I can’t get over this and I’m going mad

[Maybe2020]

Might be a long one but I really need advice.
Been with dp 10 years, never had any problems except the odd argument here and there but nothing major.
We have struggled to have children and i am deeply depressed because of it but now getting help and we are looking to have ivf.
So about a year ago my dp brother got married quite quickly to a new woman he had been seeing for a few months, we met her and she seemed ok until she made a dig at me in front of everyone. I immediately didn’t like her and felt “off” about her. On a few occasions I noticed I couldn’t find my oh (for example at a wedding, at a pub) and when I did find him he would be around her and his brother, didn’t think anything of it but it’s like my brain picked up on it subconsciously. Then we went out to a pub one night and he and now sil were chucking straws at each other and messing around, I found it flirty and have noticed little things like that ever since they met. I’ve also noticed them looking st each other for long periods especially her she seems to gaze into my oh eyes a lot. We went out another time and both of them were at the bar for about 20 minutes just chatting while I was sat down and my bil was outside having a smoke.
I had a feeling he fancied her so called him out on it one night and he said he didn’t and even if he wasn’t with me he wouldn’t because of his brother.
We’ve had several rows over this, and I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s not the fact he finds her attractive it’s he fact I feel disrespected when he’s acting on it and flirting and paying all attention on her. Think I’m more jealous because she is clearly beautiful and I feel I can’t compare. I probably sound like a envious little teenager 🙄
It’s actually made me feel different about my whole relationship with dp and sadly it’s deeply hurt me.
My confidence is at an all time low and I just feel shit. How can I get this out of my head? Am I being stupid?
He’s since stopped being flirty ( even though in his eyes it wasn’t) and started paying more attention to me, but it feels like he’s only doing that because I had to have a word.
I also can’t bare to be around her anymore because of all this. What should I do?

i dont like op painted as insecure, jealous harpy, having mental health issues, either. these comments wont help her and will make her more unhappy, more doubting about herself, confusing her.
her situation is very difficult and anyone would feel the same at her position and maybe more.

She could just be a different kettle of fish to the other sil.

The dig at you is not on. If she does this again then call her out in a calm manner or fire back with something. Throwing straws at each other? Please tell me they're in their early 20's.

They both could just be making a lot of effort with one another because she's new to the family.
He should be more mindful of not doing anything that could be perceived as flirting now you've said to him & keeping a respectful distance for everyone.

If her prolonged gazing continues poke her in the eye (not really)

I hope when you're not feeling as down this lifts for you & she's not so much of a factor.

You be the woman who flirts with your husband when you're out. Don't let her push you to the side.

There's clear evidence that this woman's behaviour is problematic because the MIL had the issue too. The SIL behaviour and the OPs personal situation / mental health are two separate issues.

She sounds like a nasty, toxic person. I'd minimize contact and grey rock her when it can't be avoided; she could well be a narc but even if she isn't, grey rocking makes it more likely that OP will feel empowered because she has chosen to mentally disengage and give her zero headspace in that moment.

I knew a woman like this. A "friend" not a SIL. They do exist and men are often very bad at spotting this behaviour in women. I am so glad I cut her out of my life, after I did so many of my other friends told me how glad they were!

these comments wont help her and will make her more unhappy, more doubting about herself, confusing her.

It's not about making the OP happy. It's gaining views and opinions from a range of independent people.

but i do know that when you're with your partner, he should be making you feel like you're the most beautiful, interesting, smart woman in the room. If he's not, then he's a shit

Mmm. This comment comes across as immature to me. It's also unrealistic. You expect respect from your spouse whether you're in the company of others or not. That includes not flirting with other women.... but it is also a matter of perception on the flirting behaviour. Her DH didn't see it as flirting and was suprised when it was pointed out...but he has taken her comments on board.

I personally don't think I need to make my DH feel like the smartest, best looking and interesting man in the room... or it makes me a shit. I wouldn't disrespect him, but if there's another man telling an interesting story, I see no issue in showing interest. Especially if it's a family member.

I'd expect him to feel very secure in himself when I'm around my sister's DH. Otherwise it says very little about me and my BIL...and my love for my Dsis.

Tbh, I'd feel very insulted if my DH accused me of flirting with my BIL.

I think it's important to make the latest inlaw to the family feel welcome. I know I did that with BIL, as the rest of us were married and well settled. It also shows my Dsis that we have accepted him.

I do know as the latest to the family, it can be a bit daunting and you strive for acceptance. That acceptance is usually more important with the parents and your partners siblings.

Perhaps she's just going about it the wrong way.

I can't say all my BILS were particularly welcoming, so I can see the other side of this.

I do think the infertility plays a big part in this though.

There was a recent thread where the OP was upset that SIL never gave a heads up they were TTC, or said she liked/wanted kids and the OP felt her pregnancy announcement was not done right/right time/right way...

This was on the back of the OPs own attempts to get pregnant and failed IVF attempts...then in her words "bam" SIL (late 30s) gets pregnant just like that.

Previous poster comment was about not making OP more unhappy …..rather than it being about making them happy. A compassionate view in my opinion. OP, I don't think you are going mad, maybe look on it as a challenging time but one you can meet and overcome. It sounds like DP has taken on board what you've said so that's a good start.

thank you ladyfromvenus.
and i dont agree much about op's previous threads being searched and used against her.
i dont know, i feel something not right there.