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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can’t get over this and I’m going mad

106 replies

Maybe2020 · 06/08/2019 08:40

Might be a long one but I really need advice.
Been with dp 10 years, never had any problems except the odd argument here and there but nothing major.
We have struggled to have children and i am deeply depressed because of it but now getting help and we are looking to have ivf.
So about a year ago my dp brother got married quite quickly to a new woman he had been seeing for a few months, we met her and she seemed ok until she made a dig at me in front of everyone. I immediately didn’t like her and felt “off” about her. On a few occasions I noticed I couldn’t find my oh (for example at a wedding, at a pub) and when I did find him he would be around her and his brother, didn’t think anything of it but it’s like my brain picked up on it subconsciously. Then we went out to a pub one night and he and now sil were chucking straws at each other and messing around, I found it flirty and have noticed little things like that ever since they met. I’ve also noticed them looking st each other for long periods especially her she seems to gaze into my oh eyes a lot. We went out another time and both of them were at the bar for about 20 minutes just chatting while I was sat down and my bil was outside having a smoke.
I had a feeling he fancied her so called him out on it one night and he said he didn’t and even if he wasn’t with me he wouldn’t because of his brother.
We’ve had several rows over this, and I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s not the fact he finds her attractive it’s he fact I feel disrespected when he’s acting on it and flirting and paying all attention on her. Think I’m more jealous because she is clearly beautiful and I feel I can’t compare. I probably sound like a envious little teenager 🙄
It’s actually made me feel different about my whole relationship with dp and sadly it’s deeply hurt me.
My confidence is at an all time low and I just feel shit. How can I get this out of my head? Am I being stupid?
He’s since stopped being flirty ( even though in his eyes it wasn’t) and started paying more attention to me, but it feels like he’s only doing that because I had to have a word.
I also can’t bare to be around her anymore because of all this. What should I do?

OP posts:
yellowallpaper · 06/08/2019 13:10

Exactly the same thing happened to me many years ago when my new SIL would openly flirt with DH and DBIL was so besotted with her he couldn't see anything wrong in anything she did. I did pull DH up on it and of course he denied it and was more careful around her. It made me feel mousy and unattractive and deeply hurt by DHs behaviour.

Fast forward and SIL is now the ex SIL, as her flirting didn't stop with DH. She revealed herself as a selfish, narcissistic bitch who would frequently cheat on DBIL and was highly manipulative. DH hates her for her treatment of his DB and I laugh at how reviled she is to all who know her.

The lesson is, don't let her behaviour affect how you feel about yourself. Your DH is now aware of how you feel and has stopped. Ignore her bitchiness to you. It's based on jealousy of you and your DH. Other people will see her for who she is in the end. Concentrate on your own relationship and avoid her where possible.

yellowallpaper · 06/08/2019 13:12

Your DBIL isn't bothered by it because he's thinking 'look how everyone drops to their knees around her, and she's chosen me'!

Magicpaintbrush · 06/08/2019 13:19

Maybe you should host a family get together and invite them over - and also invite all of your stunning female family members...being surrounded by a swarm of ex-models would wipe the smirk off her face pretty quickly.

NanooCov · 06/08/2019 13:45

Seriously I actually am astounded by the comments on here and actually feel a bit sorry for your SIL.

She made an apparently snarky comment about where you live (difficult to judge if it was snarky or not since there's no detail), accidentally used your OH's name on one occasion rather than her own (probably just embarrassing for her) and didn't say anything when one of your friends gushed about you being stunning (sounds like an awkward situation - what did you expect her to say?)

Other than that, she has been (apparently) over friendly with her husband's brother and father. From what you say, your BIL and SIL's relationship moved quickly and he has kids from a previous relationship. Isn't it possible she was just keen to make a good impression and get to know her new family members?

Perhaps she's picked up on your dislike for her and that you've been gossiping with MIL about her behind her back? You've turned down her invitation to visit them and rebuffed BIL coming over with his kids.

It sounds like you've been fairly unpleasant to her and I can't imagine she's oblivious to that.

Original poster
Maybe2020 · 06/08/2019 16:34

I never disliked her in the first place.
I was always friendly/nice to her.
She was the one who made nasty digs to me when I’d been more than nice to her.
Thanks for your reply though.
Bil has child with 2 other women and doesn’t see either. She has one from previous relationship.
Apparently she didn’t want bil babys around her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maybe2020 · 06/08/2019 16:34

Never been unpleasant and certainly not to children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maybe2020 · 06/08/2019 16:36

Awkward when a woman tells another she’s stunning 🤨. Sorry I’ve been brought up to being women up not down. I tell women there beautiful all the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maybe2020 · 06/08/2019 16:37

And she wasn’t my friend just for info.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 06/08/2019 16:40

I think maybe make the gp appointment op and try to keep yourself busy untill then.

ladyfromvenus · 06/08/2019 18:58

OP is here for support and helpful advice and I can see neither in the post from NanooCov. OP the majority of posters are with you, try to put anything negative aside as its not worth headspace. I hope you have a lovely holiday and any rubbish from that woman or anyone becomes a distant memory, in fact, just forgotten. Take care OP.

IrmaFayLear · 06/08/2019 19:15

Agreed, ladyfromvenus.

Poor OP. There's nothing wrong with you - it's horrible if someone flirts with your bf/dh and they seem to be enjoying it!

I had a friend who was very motivated by getting conquests. If you introduced a boyfriend to her, she'd gaze into his eyes asking about his job and act as if it were terribly interesting. Plus a few brushed hands etc.

babba2014 · 06/08/2019 19:29

I think the problem you had was a DH problem. You saw him looking at her and acting silly and she fed it back.
Don't have any children with him yet. Wait it out. See how he acts in future situations without giving him any clue beforehand and observe. You will know if he is the problem, she is or if it's you not seeing things properly.
You've had the talk now it's up to him.
Going by many posts on Mumsnet, men who flirt too much will use any opportunity to get with the other woman, doesn't matter who she is unless she says no herself. Having a baby is hard and many men do go off handle during the early years. You don't want that to be your DH. He obviously liked the attention.
What you can do is focus on loving him a lot, try not to let the stress of having a baby get in the way and watch out for situations around her. Listen to your gut after that.

MsDogLady · 07/08/2019 05:23

I agree with @babba2014 that your DP has been your problem.

You are likely struggling because his boundaries with this woman have been weak. He felt entitled to pursue an ego boost, and you feel betrayed.

You are not irrational. You know what you saw and heard. DP was repeatedly giddy and flirty with SIL, and it had been ongoing since meeting her. He participated in the long eye gazing. He was treating her much like he treated you when you first met, under the guise of ‘just being nice.’

He was crossing a line and you rightly pulled him up on it. He knew what he was doing, but denied it when you rowed. I doubt that he would accept you holding long gazes and flirting and ‘messing around’ with another man.

He has stepped back, but it took several rows and your finally making a stand about the damage and hurt he has caused. I agree that you still need to observe their interaction for a good while before having a baby. Is it possible that they have been messaging?

NanooCov · 07/08/2019 08:18

@ladyfromvenus Yes Mumsnet is generally about help and support but not unquestioning agreement. I think the OP has had enough contributions from sycophants in this thread.

OP - it is great when women bring each other up rather than put each other down. Which is why it was disappointing to see so many women piling on to someone they don't even know on this thread, calling her a cunt and a bitch from completely minor transgressions, accusing her of being after both her BIL and her FIL.

There's a difference between being supportive and acting like a baying mob.

NanooCov · 07/08/2019 08:20

Also curious that one of your latest posts says your BIL doesn't see his kids when an earlier post by you mentioned he wanted to bring his kids round to visit.

Original poster
Maybe2020 · 07/08/2019 20:42

And that is other posters not me I haven’t called her a cunt or bitch once.
He doesn’t see kids with his ex.
He has child with her and she has one from previous relationship.

OP posts:
user1479305498 · 07/08/2019 22:15

I’m afraid OP some women just are like this, my mother was one, felt every bloke had to fancy her , even if she didnt fancy them and the sad thing is many guys will lap it up, even if it’s just mild flirting and they aren’t really interested, rather than rebuff , they go along with it.

fandabbyfannyflutters · 07/08/2019 22:42

Sycophants? For seeing the obvious?

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2019 22:52

Sycophants? For seeing the obvious?

I think it's maybe the lack of critical thinking here. The op clearly admits her jealousy. Her mental health issues, the fact her brother in law who is present during these interactions can't see it, and yet some people are on here ignoring all that and ripping this woman apart.

I guess because the op said she was attractive and confident right? There is nothing like saying that about a woman that makes some other woman want to rip her from limb to limb. Is there?

Moffa · 07/08/2019 23:03

@Maybe2020 I haven’t read the whole thread but ANYONE who has faced infertility knows how hard it is. I’ve been there and even now with my 2 beautiful IVF babies, I clearly remember the sadness, the obsession, the despair.

Forget everything, focus on yourself, your DH and your own life. During IVF take the counselling- whatever you think, you need it & so use it well.

It will be having an impact on your DH as well. Keep talking to each other. Hopefully this time next year you’ll have a baby of your own. Good luck to you xxx

fandabbyfannyflutters · 07/08/2019 23:08

The op is also attractive and says most of her family are yet they have never made her feel like that so why are you painting her as some jealous insecure harpy? Is the mil also wrong about her behaviour with fil too?

SandyY2K · 07/08/2019 23:46

Your DHs behaviour towards her has changed after you told him how you feel...so he does care.

Maybe he was just trying to be friendly and welcome her to the family.

I think her looks and her getting pregnant quickly have added to how you perceive her.

Ultimately, as long as your DH supports you...you can't control her behaviour. I think her and FIL texting like that is weird though.

She may be someone who likes attention and is trying to be accepted in the family, hence her behaviour.

Bil has child with 2 other women and doesn’t see either. She has one from previous relationship.

I can see why MIL sucks up to her... if her and your BIL split the chances of her seeing this GC are low.
This isn't a situation I'd be envious of tbh.

Apparently she didn’t want bil babys around her

I don't understand this. SIL didn't want her baby around her other child?
Can you clarify.

cinderfeckinrella · 07/08/2019 23:56

Op what a horrible situation. She sounds difficult to deal with and very attention seeking, the digs she made are clearly nasty. If she's caused same arguments with MIL re: flirting with FIL then it's not just jealousy in your head. You've spoken to OH and he should be embarrassed about the situation. I think fertility issues maybe affecting your self esteem but I would feel the same, it's heartbreaking. I really hope the ivf works for you. It must be difficult to be around pregnant people/children in this situation. Don't be too hard on yourself. Good luck x

cinderfeckinrella · 08/08/2019 00:00

what @Moffa said...great advice

HaileySherman · 08/08/2019 00:45

I don't know what you should do, but i do know that when you're with your partner, he should be making you feel like you're the most beautiful, interesting, smart woman in the room. If he's not, then he's a shit partner.