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Original poster

Dating thread 166: Who dates wins

999 replies

Ginmel · 04/08/2019 21:03

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Appswww.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

OP posts:
CodLiverOil556 · 16/08/2019 01:16

@Gymandtonic25 MrTall and I had the chat just after our first date and deleted our apps. I think you should just have the chat and if he's scared off then it wasn't right to begin with iyswim?

Lovemusic33 · 16/08/2019 07:44

Had date 6/7 with Mr Skinny last night and we kind of had the exclusive chat, well he asked if he could say I’m his GF, I hadn’t really been talking to anyone else anyway and we both came off the apps ages ago. I’m still a little scared about the whole relationship thing but also very happy. We had a good evening, the sex is pretty amazing and we enjoy spending time together, I’m spending the day with him Sunday which will be good as we haven’t really spent a day together, I then won’t see him for a while as I’m away with the dc’s and he has his dc’s.

Ant330 · 16/08/2019 07:48

Gymandtonic I think once you're dtd together then it's perfectly reasonable to want to know that neither of you are doing it with others.
Does he give the impression that he's dating others?

Ant330 · 16/08/2019 07:53

That's a lovely update Lovemusic he sounds great, very pleased for you!

BatshitCrazyWoman · 16/08/2019 07:54

Gym I agree with Ant it's fair enough to ask the question if you've dtd, imo.

Ndotto OLD is a steep learning curve - ignore the sleazes, interact with men you find interesting and meet up as soon as you can. The giving up dating thread absolutely doesn't reflect my personal experience, and I'm at that 'past it' age for OLD, apparently (I'm 55) 😁

Minerva44 · 16/08/2019 07:57

Hi all, I've been lurking a bit, two toddlers, 2 and just turned 3. FWB of six months (known for almost a year) was going to come over for first time on Bank Hols whilst kids were in bed and leave before they woke. Just thinking whether I'm being a terrible parent if I let him stay the next day or spend it with us. My logic was my kids are small plus they have met many people, men and women in and out of my house. It's just this one is someone I have been sleeping with. However I'm not sure whether I should. Any thoughts? We would not be affectionate with them around or anything.

Ant330 · 16/08/2019 08:06

WotcherHarry thanks for your post, incredibly insightful as I think you're bang on the money.
Strangely the longer it goes on the more indifferent I am about seeing her on Sunday, I think it's dragged on too much now and I may have moved on mentally. Clearly that might change when I see her, but at the moment I'm a bit meh.
I also have a number of other distractions including two women who want to meet when I return from my holiday, and they're both fit! 🙊 😂

AverageGuy · 16/08/2019 08:36

Update on last nights date with Miss Close.. Please don't flame me.. (longish post).

We met for a drink, and within a few minutes, she was touching my leg, and arm. By the time the drinks had arrived, she had kissed me on the lips...

There was a lot of touching, cuddling and kissing during the meal, along with her taking selfies of "us" (which I don't know how I feel about Confused).. When we had eaten, she invited me back to hers, where we may or may not have dtd (twice.. Blush)

She wanted me to stay the night, but, frankly, I was a bit overwhelmed by how fast things had moved, so made an excuse and left.. Confused

I have a horrible feeling that she is very overinvested in me - She said she wasn't looking for a ONS, but a long term partner, and some comments she made suggested she had found one... Shock

All this on a first date...

So I'm really not sure how to proceed. We definitely had chemistry, there is a connection, and I'd like to see her again, but I get the feeling that she is on date 15, and I'm still on date 1, iyswim...

I really don't know what to do about her, or Miss Old on Monday.

Advice please kind listers.. treat me gently...

Ant330 · 16/08/2019 08:53

AverageGuy if there was chemistry and you liked her then I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. She may calm down on the 2nd date once she knows you're interested.
She could have had some awful dates before you, and just thought bloody hell this one's great don't let him go.

Peanuthedz · 16/08/2019 09:26

@AverageGuy errrr she sounds a bit much. It also sounds like your gut is telling you the same. If a man was like that I'd run a mile. Have you arranged a second date yet? If you do want to see her again maybe tell her it's early days and to slow down a bit.

AverageGuy · 16/08/2019 09:26

Ant
Thanks. Maybe you're right.

She was quite amazed that we cuddled afterwards. Apparently she has never been with a guy that cuddled after dtd, and she had been married twice...

I'm a natural cuddler. To me it's part of dtd...

Peanuthedz · 16/08/2019 09:28

@Ant330 it's good you know there are other possibilities out there.. might keep you meh when you see her...

Peanuthedz · 16/08/2019 09:30

I'm off on my hols today with my kids. Looking forward to a break from real life although as it's just the three of us it's going to be a little intense...

Saw mr U last night and it was lovely. But I could do with a bit of distance to get some perspective. It'll be 6 months when I get back. 😬

Marlboroandmalbec34 · 16/08/2019 09:32

average does seem a bit keen BUT got to be worth a 2nd date if you had chemistry. hopefully she will calm down.

Minerva I am in exactly the same situation and not sure. FWB of 8 months, 2 toddlers. My kids are used to me having friends stay (male and female) but it somehow feels wrong to me as I always said I wouldnt want anyone to meet them who I was not in a proper relationship with

AverageGuy · 16/08/2019 09:46

Peanutedz I know, right? It was like she was measuring me up for my wedding suit, or something... Confused

Marlboro I think so too, but am likely to approach with caution...

What do I do about Miss Old on Monday though? I feel I'm sort of committed to seeing her, but maybe I should cancel? Or am I overthinking things, and should just go for it?

Ant330 · 16/08/2019 09:50

AverageGuy I would go on the date with MissOld. You have reservations about this one and I imagine if she's the same on a 2nd date it won't go any further so why limit your options.

Chocolate123 · 16/08/2019 10:01

@AverageGuy why not go on a second date in a coffee shop for lunch and see how it goes. Definitely wouldn't cancel other date though.

Neverexpected2 · 16/08/2019 10:08

Averageguy I'd try another date with her but I definitely wouldn't cancel the other date you have arranged especially as you already have reservations about this one.

Third date with MrTall&Beardy today. We're going to lunch as hes busy tonight and then busy all weekend with golf, cricket and footy 🤔 it's my last childfree time for a whole week then. Think I may need to ask if hes actually in a position to date with all these sporting activities as this is whilst his kids are away too so will be even busier when they are back I guess 🤷‍♀️

CassettesAreCool · 16/08/2019 10:26

Felt I had to delurk to say:

Yay averageguy! She does sound a bit overexcited but you have a connection (dtd twice!!) and she thinks you're fab, so I would say definitely a second date at least. Perhaps she'll calm down. At the end of that date you'll know whether you can stomach her enthusiasm. And please don't bin off Miss Old.

Yay Ant on the new irons, just what you needed to disentangle your brain from Miss Headfucker - for that is what she is. I'm hoping you will keep the Great Handover very short. Whatever traumas she has been through in the past, that doesn't give her a licence to treat people like shit. If she was a man none of us would be agonising about the ins and outs of her motivations - we'd just say she was a wanker. Please go slow with the next one?

Love so chuffed for you. Relax and enjoy.

No news here. I am on a total detox, have deleted all accounts and all numbers and chats, even of FWBs! A very rare weekend alone beckons and I'm determined to seriously reappraise my life choices.

Ant330 · 16/08/2019 10:27

Peanut yes it's nice to know I have options and not going to be a lonely old man 😂
Enjoy your hols, are you going anywhere nice?
I'm going away on Tues with my son, really looking forward to spending a whole week with him, I've missed that!

Ant330 · 16/08/2019 10:36

We'd just say she was a wanker 😂😂
Yes I'm hoping I'll learn from this Cassettes and take things a bit slower. I tend to be a bit all or nothing about most things tbh and relationships are no different.

Gymandtonic25 · 16/08/2019 11:04

Thanks for the advice Ant and kermitrulesok. In person he doesn't give the impression that he is dating others quite the opposite. It just feels too good to be true, we only had our first date 3 weeks ago! He messages back very quickly and daily so no problems there, but he seems active on WhatsApp a lot in the evenings and I just have a gut feeling. I'm very all or nothing and feel like I've jumped into this too quickly and not playing it cool at all! I've had some rubbish dates and I suppose I just don't want to let this one go Blush

NigesFakeWalkingStick · 16/08/2019 11:09

I've been lurking for a while but now ready to post!
So was on Tinder and Bumble. Met 3 people so far, first two meh, third was an absolute joy. Had a fantastic first date. Second was pencilled in two days later - even better, lots of really lovely post date chat, nothing too heavy but definitely seemed like he was keen. Third date was also nice, he had a bit of a cold so wasn't 100% but lots of kissing etc. We were both very open about our previous relationships and on his questioning I answered and talked about my abusive ex. Not in super great detail, skirted around some of the more negative things.

Since then, despite him saying at the time the right things (that's awful, you're so nice etc etc) and saying that nothing was off limits in terms of chat, I can visibly tell he's withdrawn somewhat. Texts are less frequent and not quite as keen (hard to put that into words without sounding batshit, but you can gauge right?). I mentioned last night that I felt I had said too much and sorry if I had put him in a position he didn't like, to which he reassured me that it was fine. But the withdrawnness still persists.

We're supposed to be doing something tonight at his, just a movie and a takeaway, but there is none of the happy chat there was before - it's very static and often he'll check a message without replying, which isn't a problem as I do the same, but it didn't happen before at all.

I'm pretty perceptive and can tell something is shifted but I can't fully bring myself to be that person who sounds batshit. I just can't be arsed to waste my time if I'm going to go round there for him to give me the talk - I suspect he's the type of person who would rather say that sort of thing face to face.

Literally three days ago he was 'can't wait to see you, you're great' to feeling like I'm pulling teeth. We've not slept together btw, so this isn't a post coital he's got his rocks off and is using me. Just seems totally odd.

Ant330 · 16/08/2019 11:13

Gymandtonic don't read too much into the WA activity, I communicate a lot through WA completely unrelated to OLD. If he's messaging back promptly and it doesn't seem like he's juggling conversations then you probably have nothing to worry about.
However I would still have the conversation with him. You're not asking him to declare his undying love, just that he's not sleeping with anybody else and isn't looking to. It's not too soon 😉

Minerva44 · 16/08/2019 11:30

@Marlboroandmalbec34 thought I'd be flamed for being silly! I think I'll hold fire on him staying during day but let him sneak in and out in the evening. He suggested that anyway and think we have other weekends where we can have time alone.