Dating thread 166: Who dates wins

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Appswww.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Thanks Sunshine we do message lots so I’ll just have to relax and hope that he doesn’t forget me! We do seem to get along well so I hope he feels the same. Far too early for any kind of chat around that issue though I suspect.

To complicate matters Mr RL is keen to meet up for coffee, which I think will lead to him asking me on a ‘proper’ date. Would I be an idiot to tell him no, on the basis that I am really into Mr B?

Quick question re What’s App - how do you find our holly how many messages you’ve sent between you?

@savoretti

Settings > Data & Storage Usage > Storage Usage > Tap User Name

You'll see all the statistics there. Note, it only counts stuff sent from this phone

Ok my date turned up .. He was ok.We had a drink..just not sure .He claims to be 54 but spoke about slowing down at work..body falling apart type thing . I am only 44 .It was the first date thst hasn't ended awfully. However he messaged twice in the evening to offer a lift home after my mates birthday.. Today we have chatted we are free at same time during the weekend but he made no suggestions to meet up.but got excited when I said I was free x time .. I am holding off suggesting 2ns date as I suggested first.. views pls

@notmrscookie I would agree with waiting for him to suggest the second date, but I like the man to do the chasing!

I’m thoroughly on the smitten bench with Mr Chips after 7 dates so let’s hope it doesn’t all go horribly wrong! He has a gorgeous rugby players body and is a pretty good shag, so I’m pretty please with myself!

Put your hand up if you're going to spend the next 4 days in a tent at a festival getting very wet 🙋🏻‍♀️

See you on the other side...hope there are some good dates this weekend!

Sparkles57 I don't think from what I seen/heard he is brave enough.. He lives with his elderly parents and has had 2 weeks off and hasn't done much ..I don't mean that the wrong way.. He plays cricket and clay pigeon shooting but will not ask other members out for a drink but complains about doing nothing....

@notmrscookie I much prefer men to do the asking but then it’s 2019 and we (women) are all modern and independent so I don’t think you can blame men for sometimes being a bit shy. Maybe he’s wondering why someone like you would be interested in him and would like a confidence boost? I went through a phase where I felt I was chasing Mr R but now it’s about equal and in fact the last few weeks he has suggested activities and dates.

@ant330 I was going to say that it sounds like she wasn’t ‘ready’ for you but then I think sometimes the best way to ‘get ready’ is to start dating with an open mind. Not sure if you remember a conversation back many threads ago where the attentive, enthusiastic behaviour of one of my early irons made me realise just how crap my exdh was and dismissive of my feelings. Obviously I was never abused but from what you’ve just said I can see how she would find herself in the position where she’s learning from a new experience and reflecting on an old experience, and maybe being triggered. That said your priority is to look after yourself and do what you feel comfortable with.

@stealthninjamum just wanted to say a lot of what you just posted really resonated with me.
Sadly my best prospect has decided he is not hanging around to find out what I learn from reflecting on the relationship with the ex and how it influences me to react to him, and has said he thinks I need more experience. But as I said to him, his loss.
You've just put everything I was feeling into much more succinct words. Thanks.

@Ant330 I hope that you don’t mind me chiming in as I’m more of a lurker than poster, generally!

I’ve been in this situation a few times. Sometimes it’s worth it and sometimes not. In my opinion, generally when people have reacted with withdrawing when stressed we have not been compatible in our communication styles overall. When we get the oxytocin hit from sharing wonderful times with someone, we want to believe that we can overcome any obstacle... I know that people who have been hurt can lash out, her style of withdrawing and then attacking you for moving on after what is really a very short relationship sounds as though she realises that her behaviour is self destructive but perhaps doesn’t quite have the EQ to acknowledge it?

I have been seeing Mr Pizza for nearl

Thanks @originallymeonly I'm glad you said it's his loss, I personally would value someone who was reflecting on their past experiences with a view to not repeating their mistakes (or not reacting in the same way to other people's mistakes.) I am not perfect but am really working on my communication skills. Let's hope your next iron appreciates you more.

Whoops, posted too soon!

I’ve been seeing Mr Pizza for nearly three months. About a month ago he was very quiet and then snappy and it came completely out of the blue. I asked if anything was wrong and he said that he was tired but he was quite barbed. I asked if he would like some time alone or if he wanted to talk about it, and he said ‘why do you want to help me through this?’ which also felt a bit barbed at the time. I am a fairly calm person and used to dealing with much higher emotional states with my job (!), so I replied with ‘why wouldn’t I?’

We then talked about it and he was able to be really open. I think that there was problems with expressing emotions in his marriage and perhaps not much room for his own emotions. He apologised profusely and said that he will make sure that he doesn’t speak like that to me again. Over the last several weeks I can tell that he is insecure at times as a hang up from his marriage. We all have our own demons. I feel like he is balancing a lot of different things and it made sense when he spoke to me. We are consciously trying to create a healthy dynamic. So, whilst I know that it’s early days, I feel reassured that he is able to address issues head on fairly swiftly after the initial emotional reaction. It would worry me if he was to withdraw in the same way that Ms Hair did.

However, only you know :) it’s much harder when you’re in the middle of a situation to see clearly.

@StealthNinjaMum that’s exactly what I mean :) we are all products of our experiences but we can make conscious choices and recognise what is real and what is anxiety/built in patterns!

Quick update from me - second date with MrTall&Beardy last night - took me out for a meal and drinks and then we went back to his 🙈 had a lovely evening and are supposed to be seeing each other again.

Had matched with someone else and been chatting (not mr muscles who after chasing me for a date then just unmatched) who seems nice but is a bit further away. He knew I was going on a date last night and said to let him know how it went. He sent me "hope you have a nice evening - but not too nice 😉🤞" message before I went and has messaged today to see whether he still has a shot at meeting. I've replied saying I have agreed to see date again and dont like to multi date but if nothing comes of it and hes still free and willing it would be lovely to meet but understand if he wants to unmatch now. That's ok isn't it? I hate this part of the process

Hmm, not sure what to do.

Next Saturday I’m in Manchester for the night to go to an event that best friend (and so ex fwb/ex) is performing at, so I will be free of the sproglet and don’t need to be home until 6pm. We’re travelling up as a group and staying at the same hotel. MrNN has met the other two in the group, he hasn’t however met BF yet, so I don’t know whether to invite him to take advantage of a night away, or leave it and have them meet at another time. I do know he is free that weekend, but he might not want to come anyway.

Cant hurt to ask Simon- he might prefer meeting ex/current bf with others there too

@Originallymeonly @StealthNinjaMum I'm the same, abusive ex which makes me run away a bit with new potentials when I reflect on both. I haven't got as far down the line as @Ant330 and Miss Hair but can totally see the pattern repeating with current FWB.

I tried to talk to someone 3 years younger. It lasted 10 sentences. Not for me

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/flashing-is-illegal-offline-so-why-do-we-still-tolerate-it-onlineukk_5cee8d67e4b0ae67105a3ed8

Hey all, just found the above on Twitter - the Huff Post journalist Sophie Gallagher has been doing a lot of research on cyberflashing (we’ve all had those lovely dick pics right?) and apparently this is against the law in Scotland and soon will be in England & Wales. Anyway thought this was only a little off-topic

@Neverexpected2 I think you handled things well.. do unto others etc. @SimonJT I'm always keen on taking things slow when it comes to merging friends / partners' lives too soon.. but that's just me I think! Although it's always a good barometer check

@midcenturylegs It has been four months, is that it a bit soon? I’m not facetiming him until 8pmish, so a bit of time to think.

One of my potential dates for next week sent me a fun selfie whilst WhatsApping. Is that something folks do before a first date? Do I reciprocate? I feel old 😂

Hes replied saying hes a little bit gutted but wont be unmatching as would still like to meet me if it doesn't work out 😊

never I think that’s perfect.

simon has he met your other friends? Would you intro if your BF wasn’t also your ex and recent FWB? I think 4 months sounds about right for introducing if your comfortable to do so!

rick fun as in funny or rude? It’s up to you. I like a pic exchange if there is good banter but wouldn’t send or want anything rude before meeting.

I have a new iron. I am gonna call him Mr Curtains but would like to just inform you all he is 6ft 6 😍 really good banter, bit flirty but not rude. He is going away in the morning for a fortnight though which is a shame as I would like to meet him.

Mr Pleasant is now boring me. Do I just fade him? Seems harsh saying no spark when haven’t met.

Mr Luigi get back from holiday tomorrow. I think he might be a bit quiet for me but will meet him if he asks as he seems sweet.

Mr Big is still mad about me but too scared to admit it 😁