Dating thread 166: Who dates wins

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Appswww.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

@supercali77 maybe I'm not ready. I am still pining for me ex, even though I know the relationship wasn't going anywhere, he isn't interested and I think he has moved on. I don't know how to stop feeling like this. Maybe that's what it is.

@EchoElephant Ime also sofato5miles is right on the money. If you have a gut instinct on it as well...i'd just leave it and move on to swiping others. If he comes back along, great

@ohhahhh789 Yeah I would probably recommend some time out before you start dating? I find if i'm pining strongly for someone I virtually don't see the person infront of me. I know plenty of people kinda need to be dating to actually get over their ex though so....maybe it's just the right person?

Thanks all. My gut instinct says that he doesn't want to meet again.
So I'm just going to leave it.

And have a break, as I haven't managed to get any matches for a couple of weeks.

@supercali77 when I split wit the same ex before I dated and I was fine. It took my mind off him but this doesn't seem to be happening this time. I'd always said I'd take it slow and only message people I'm really interested in and not get too invested in the apps which is what I have been doing because it is so brutal. I find I'm losing interest in people really fast and just can't be bothered but on the other hand I do want to meet someone!! Who knows!!

@Notcoolmum Yes, I guess a chat is needed but what we have works so well for me I'm almost scared of the consequences off the chat if it's not what I want to hear.

@Sunshineandflipflops not sure I'd want to chat either. Sounds like it's still early days for both of you since your splits. Perhaps he just wanted to keep his options open before but obviously likes you a lot. How did his marriage end?

Don't have the chat @Sunshineandflipflops
You're happy he's happy. You know what happened last time. He'll panic and say you're not exclusive etc even though we all know you are! Unless you want to change things/meet kids/move in, why bother?

Things with Mr Bucket are going ok still, plans to meet tomorrow night...I’m still not 100% convinced he wants anything other than sex but hard to have the conversation so early on. To complicate things I have a potential iron irl... nice guy, stable, good job, likes me...but I’m worried about meeting him as I haven’t felt any spark when I’ve chatted to him before (although that wasn’t in anything like date circs) and he’s not my usual type (my usual type being bad boys ) - thoughts? I struggle with the concept of multi-dating as to me it feels like I’m cheating. Hang ups from ex there I think. Do I tell new iron I’m seeing someone and risk missing out on an actual normal rl relationship?

@Sunshineandflipflops I’m in full agreement with peanut here, fwiw. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it. If you’re happy with him then let his head catch up with his heart. He’s so into you, but he’s possibly still not in a position to admit that to himself or to you yet.

Thanks everyone. I honestly don't think he's seeing anyone else or looking. If he hadn't already met me, I'm not sure he'd even be on the apps as his life is a little complicated with his daughter and he doesn't get the opportunity to stay out over night or have anyone to his overnight as she is with him f/t so the rare opportunity he does, he is with me!

I think putting that into a conversation with him panics him into thinking I want a commitment or a label of a 'serious relationship' when I am perfectly happy with the way things are. I don't want any more from him than he can give as my situation doesn't allow for that either.

@Alanis41 His marriage was dead for years but he stayed for his children and then when they became a bit older and more independent he made the first move to divorce. It has been messy though and has resulted in one of his children living with him full time and not speaking to her mum, hence him not having much free time for long periods (she is 16 and doesn't like to be left overnight, which is understandable).

@Sunshineandflipflops Sounds like he is a decent bloke, plus no cheating breaking up the marriage too. You seem well suited and happy, I wouldn't rock the boat personally as he might get into a panic. Perhaps still on apps but clearly no time to invest in anyone else.

I honestly think it's potentially dangerous to assume how someone feels. My very lowest of what I'd accept in a relationship is that someone wants to be in one with me. How we define that is for us to decide and agree what works for us. Assuming someone feels the same as you can be very painful if that's not the case. I can only say from my own experience as I'd assumed Mr S was falling in love with me. When I pushed for him to sleep over when my kids were home he pulled away and broke up with me. My assumptions were wrong. Despite how he behaved towards me. And I had my heart broken. I could still be seeing him now if I hadn't have challenged him. But I was falling in love and needed to protect myself. I'm not saying things are the same sunshine but I'd hate for you to get hurt and I do think we should be able to be open and honest with the people we share our beds with.

I saw Mr s's bedsit and verified his living arrangements. But it wasn't enough to protect me from being hurt. I would always prefer to date someone with social media now as it helps build up a picture of their lives.

I do hope you know I'm only saying any of this from genuine care and concern. You get to feel you know people on this thread. We have been through a lot together. X

Have a first date with Mr tall&beardy tonight. First opportunity to meet (childcare through holidays) despite chating for 3 weeks. Just hope I havent friendzoned him now 🤦‍♀️

Matched with another iron over night it seems and had a message from him at 5am this morning 😯 hes very complimentary but I'm not sure we're that suited as hes clearly very into his fitness and the gym whereas I am not and sport a mom bod 🤷‍♀️

@Alanis41 If a person panics and runs simply because you ask for clarity it's better they do it now than later on to my mind.

@supercali77 I agree but sounds like @Sunshineandflipflops is playing the long game with Mr SAS and assuming his head will catch up with his heart. I'm totally the opposite though and always need absolute clarity!!!

alanis surely its best to have an open and honest conversation and not assume. As we know. Assuming makes an ass of you and me... 😂

But -forgive me for speaking for you @Sunshineandflipflops! I think @Notcoolmum you and sunshine are looking for very different things. She doesn't want him at hers when her kids are there. She doesn't want to get involved with his daughter. She's happy with things as they are.

peanut I'm not assuming sunshine wants the same as I did. But she is falling for him. We all see that. I would just like us all to be able to discuss our feelings openly in the relationships we are on. It's rule 12 of the thread. And a very sensible one.

neverexpected If he didn't like what he saw, he wouldn't have matched / messaged you...

@Notcoolmum @Peanuthedz @Alanis41 Thanks all of your for your thoughts. I agree with everyone in different ways I think!

No, I don't want him staying when my kids are here and vice versa. I want to keep my kids and my love life quite separate fir the time being as they are fairly young and have been through a lot. I just need to be Mum to them.

I think if I honestly felt unsure about his feelings then I would instigate a chat with him but I don't. Also, I've been lied to in my marriage so even if he tell me he's not seeing/speaking to/interested in anyone else, i wouldn't necessarily believe him, sadly for me.

I do, however have a potential social event at the end of September involving my group of friends and I was wondering whether to ask him if he wants to come with me (obviously depending on how things are closer to that date). We have been in our own little bubble for the past 4/5 months so it would be quite a big step to ask and more of one if he were to say yes...

sunshine I'm glad you don't honk I'm being negative or interfering. We are the only person responsible for our own well being. Mr S met most of my friends over 3 separate occasions. And my kids as they are older teens and I honestly thought things were so safe it wasn't a major risk. They are ok as they didn't get too close but hate seeing me so upset. I didn't meet his friends though.

@Notcoolmum yeah he really dicked you around. Sadly I don't think having the conversation always prevents that anyway. I've met Mr U's friends, I actually spend a lot of time with them. But he won't come out with mine. I'm not sure if he's just shy or doesn't want to spend time with a bunch of 50 something women. My mixed group of friends are no more after a #metoo moment.

Yeh he wasn't clear peanut. If I'm being kind I think he wasn't sure himself what he wanted and then realised what he didn't want or couldn't cope with when I pushed for more. I'm still glad I did. It hurt. But I could still be with him and fallen for him even more. We've chatted once since we broke up. He misses me. Thinks about me everyday. I truly believe he does. But he can't handle a full on relationship so soon out of his marriage. I think it's a shame as we were good together. I'm determined to be honest with Mr B and not allow him to think we are more serious.