Dating thread 166: Who dates wins

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Appswww.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

@ohhahhh789 this would ring alarm bells for me. Double check the date is definitely happening.

A bit of advice required, my ex and I get on ok, I pretty much do it all so that the children have some sort of normality but he still visits them as they are small. He hasn't paid child support for 14 months now. Half of that he wasn't working and now I just think he hasn't had the finances and I have only recently asked about it but not actively chased. My FWB who I've been getting closer to called me a doormat and I cut him off. He apologised saying he was angry on my behalf but the words etc made me feel rubbish about myself and took me back to being made to feel rubbish at times with my ex. AIBU to cut FWB off? We were really hsppy but i guess i expected more support from him, not just so blunt and hurtful.

@Alanis41 I think your FWB could have expressed his concern for you in a kinder way, without using those words. I wouldn't say that to anyone I cared about.

Maybe it's time to chase your ex for maintenance now though if he is working. He has responsibilities that don't end when a relationship does.

I live here today to head home (get home tomorrow). I'm ready to go now and need my own space back. I have had a nice time but am also ready to hand the kids over to their dad for the rest of the weekend and have some space.

Mr SAS has just told me he can't wait to see me tomorrow so I want to get home even more now 😍

*leave

@Sunshineandflipflops thanks, I will be speaking to ex about it. It all came to a head as he wants new gf to meet children and I was upset but said ok. It just brought up lots of resentment about our situation. But with FWB, I just had enough especially as I'm also always the one doing the work with him ie going there, paying etc

FMFL I love a sleepover if I like them

Sorry no idea why double posted!

FMFL the first time Mr BC and I DTD it was a sleepover - a Fab meet in a hotel. By the morning I knew there was something more there than just sex. I like the intimacy of sharing a bed and being held when I go to sleep ...

Alanis your FWB put it harshly, but your ex should be paying towards his children - I'd get in touch with the CMS and let them handle it

Alanis41 the last thing he said before my messages stopped delivering is that he will see me tomorrow!! That was without me asking anything about it or mentioning it. I now can't even check it's going ahead as his messages aren't delivering!! I haven't been blocked and he seems to have internet connection. The only explanation I can think of is that he has uninstalled WhatsApp it doesn't have connection and used POF from a computer but then he could have messaged me through POF as that's where we first met. Alarm bells are ringing and up worried I'm going to be set up to be messed about here.

@ohhahhh789 can't you text him and ask him to confirm?

@BatshitCrazyWoman I'm not really too worried about payments because he does buy bits and pieces for the children but he has now worked since the start of the year. I genuinely believe he is not great with his money and I'm suspicious whether he had debts as was out of work a long time but I'll mention it more when the girlfriend stuff has died down otherwise he will say I'm just making a point out of jealousy.

I feel to block FWB as I was hurt by his comments.

4th date last night with Mr Skinny, all went well, went for a walk and out for something to eat, went back to his and DTD. I think I’m starting to see the real him as we are beginning to relax a bit more, still worried that I’m being a bit cold and holding back a lot. We haven’t had the exclusive talk or the “where is this going?” talk. I won’t be seeing him now until next week as he has his children this weekend.

love that all sounds good. By the fourth date I don’t think there’s anything wrong with holding back a bit still, jumping in emotionally with both feet is madness in my book. If you’ve DTD it doesn’t sound like you’re being overly cold! Fingers crossed for you.

@BatshitCrazyWoman I hope I feel like that tonight/tomorrow! It’s because it’s at my house I think. I’m just worried about everything...have most of the day to prep which possibly isn’t helping me! I really do hope that this first time he disappears early and perhaps if there’s a next time I’ll be more comfortable.

FMFL please dont worry too much,try and relax. You may not even end up dtd. If you're wanting him to not hang around,mention to him that you arent used to spending so much time with someone,that it's no reflection on him and you need to ease into this new situation and hopefully he understands.
About a month ago I saw Mr dadbod,he came over on the fri eve and stayed to Sunday morning,after me saying I had to get on with chores. It completely killed it!
Good luck later

After a few days with the app Hinge, I really recommend it. There's no swipe right, and you have to like or comment on a particular photo or piece of information. Seems to generate good opportunities for easy openers and chat.

No dates lined up, but a few irons which is encouraging. Not sure if my profile is up to much though 🤷‍♂️

Oh kerkyra that would be my worst nightmare...I’d be very happy if he left at 7am tomorrow!

RickDeckard are you in a big city? I’ve heard Hinge only really works in London.

@Alanis41 so your FWB called you a doormat for not calling out your ex, but is happy to let you make all the effort with going to his and paying for everything when you see him?

He’s telling you how he sees you, and treats you like one. Why have you been doing all the work here? Sounds like you’d be better off without that FWB...

@fmfl @kerkyra I'm interested on what you're saying about wanting your irons to leave quickly and would like to understand it a bit more. I'm the opposite and would love to see much more of Mr R but it's not possible with kids, busy lives etc.

However there have been times where Mr R has seemed distant, I've called him up on it and he says sometimes he needs time on his own but really likes me, wants exclusivity, wants the relationship etc. We have got a few social events coming up and have met each other's friends so it is going in the right direction.

Ultimately if we have different needs then we're not compatible but I wonder if you think you'd ever be in the kind of the relationship where you spend several nights a week together (assuming children weren't an issue) or if you'll always like you own time to do chores and basically be my yourself. Otherwise if I can understand you a bit better maybe I can understand him better. He isn't the best at explaining his feelings but at some point I'll ask.

@alanis41 I think his comments were clumsy (although you know him best) if you were my friend I would try to kindly tell you not to be a doormat too but with more tactful words. I think blocking anyone is unkind unless you explain what they've done wrong.

@ohhahhh789 I have had problems with WhatsApp messages not being delivered (i.e. just one grey tick), I have no idea why, sometimes a message sits there for a while. Can you see when he was last on? Maybe his battery's gone or he has no signal. When is the date tomorrow? I would say that he has said he will see you tomorrow and so just stop overthinking and assume you're seeing him tomorrow. On my first date with Mr R we agreed the night that we were having the date about 4 days before and the town and I don't think we agreed the time until about 4 hours before - but it is close to us so not such a long way to travel.

@Alanis41 sorry just reread and also if you've been doing all the work I would've already questioned that and told him it's not working.

@CassettesAreCool North West based so not terrible population numbers. Seemingly much lower numbers than Tinder, but Hinge slows you down a bit as the profiles are more engaging.

I also need this tattooed on my forehead.

12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

I constantly see the best in all people and brush my own feelings aside because I like them. I need to toughen up.

@Sidge you are right, he pretty much gives everything he earns to his ex, lives very frugally etc. He hardly has any money so if i did want food, would pay to order pizza etc. I did like him but at the moment feeling like everyone is taking but I'm not getting much back. Being nice to ex but he pays nothing. Being nice to FWB but he does nothing, just waits for me to sort everything out. I've had enough.

You and me both Rick!
FMFL don't take this the wrong way but stop worrying and overthinking 😉
Just relax and play it by ear, you may find you don't want him to go in the morning because you've had a great night. Don't plan it out too much in advance.
And if he's asking you if you're spending the night together, then he's clearly keen and you have nothing to worry about 😉
Alanis think you were right to dump the FWB, especially as you're the one doing all the legwork. I might have encouraged you to take a slightly tougher line with your ex IF you asked for my opinion, but in all honesty you're the one closest to it so best placed to make those decisions.
Stealth it sounds like everything is going well with MrR. I don't think you need to worry too much about him wanting some independence and me time, at least it shows he's capable of looking after himself and isn't just looking for somebody to mother him 😉 doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want what you want in the long term.