Dating thread 166: Who dates wins

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Appswww.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

batshit given your mutual feelings about each other and about marriage, I would leave the convo for a bit longer - just let things develop naturally. There’s no harm in that, surely?

You're right, Cassettes. I think I'm impatient, plus my two relationships prior to this I ended because they failed to progress - I didn't meet friends or family, in over 2 years in one case. Mr BC knows this, and he knows how felt about it. I'm going to try and be patient, and will revisit this after a year ...

I have been seeing MrSAS going on for 4.5 months now and we've never met anyone related or close to the other.

I guess we're not strictly boyfriend/girlfriend though and to be honest, I don't particularly want to get tangled in someone else's life right now.

I don't think there are hard and fast right and wrongs with this kind of thing, as long as you are both happy with where you are and want the same things going forwards.

I think there are various different conversations you could have. You’re both on the same page re: marriage, so that’s not an issue. And, nearly 6 months in (because that’s what 20 weeks actually is), is a reasonable time for a ‘where is this going’ type of conversation. Or you could give it another 6 weeks to take you to 6 actual months.

It’s not unreasonable to want more than twice a week and EOW from a relationship. And it even more reasonable to want to he introduced to family and friends. At this point, it’s ok to want to feel and know that he sees you as a major part of his life, not just a sideline.

But how do you progress to more than EOW and 2 nights a week if you have kids?

I ask because this is basically the time I have free too when I'm not with the kids. My kids are young-ish though and I don't want to suddenly have someone else there when it's my time with them as I feel that is precious and important.

Long time lurker here with a bit of a predicament. Do you mind if I join?

Been seeing someone for nearly three months. Have met his family, he’s been making all the right noises about the future, have established exclusivity (or so I thought) but not yet ‘officially’ a couple. Saw him last night and he told me he’s not seeing anyone else but he told me that if I’m going on dates with other men that’s cool as long as I tell him. WTF? I said I’m not looking to date other people and he said “you’re single so you can but just let me know as I’d be angry if you were doing it behind my back.”

I’m stunned really and not sure whether I should walk away. How can he not be bothered about me seeing other men?

I agree with woo, unless you can’t keep it in try to get to the full six months line to have the convo. That gives you time to fully prepare yourself because of course it might not go the way you want. I think it will, you sound great together, but be prepared.

On The 6 month thing, it’s dawned on me that I’ve been seeing Mr Greedy FWB once or twice a week for 24 weeks. He’s away this week and I miss him, and not just the sex, which gets better and better each time. Despite the undoubted temptation posed by Mr Mmm, I fear I may have to pass. Damn.

I think it’s about figuring out what you want. You clearly want your dating life to stay separate from your family life. And (obviously) that’s totally reasonable. In which case, it may never progress beyond the 2 nights and EOW.

When you’ve got kids, then wanting more progress than that is likely to mean ‘blending families’ (which is a term that makes me shudder). That’s what MrSG and I are doing, but it’s never something that will be straightforward really. We spend almost every night together at the moment (in different houses, depending on what’s most practical at any point) and we’re going buy a house together so that we can simplify the logistics (and give everyone their own bedroom). I had the EA round to take photos of my house this afternoon.

That’s what we both want, and what will work for us. I’m aware that even the idea of cohabitation May bring several of the posters on this thread out in hives. And, frankly, they’re totally reasonable in that too.

I don’t think there are any right answers. It’s about what you both want. So long as you’re both happy and agree about what you can offer each other, it’s fine.

The difficulty is when one of you isn’t going to be happy with what the other will offer in the long term. And you can only find that out by having the conversation. Personally, I couldn’t be happy with a couple of nights a week and holidays. But I suspect that other people may see that as the perfect amount of time together in the relationship they want to have.

I’d be really unhappy at that @OhSurelyNott. I think, at 3 months in, it’s time to say: ‘actually I don’t want to be single’. If he’s not willing to commit to that, then he’s probably not the right one for you. Let’s face it, deciding that you’re in a relationship (rather than single) is not an enormous level of commitment to ask for.

@wooMaWang thanks for your reply, you’re totally right. I think, if I’m honest, he’s having second thoughts about me. Earlier in the conversation he said that if things don’t work out with us, he’d have no hard feelings and would happily chat to me if he saw me out and about. He did also mention that his parents have invited us to a party next month but he’s already told them we can’t go because he has work the next day, which is news to me as he never works on Sundays

This dating lark is so hard.

It’s annoying that he’s doing some sort of distancing thing rather than just saying straight out that he’s changed his mind. It sounds like you want (and deserve) someone who’ll just be straight with you.

@OhSurelyNott I agree with @Woo I would not be happy with that and would have to talk it out. If he is only seeing the two of you as casual then you need to work out if you are happy with that or want to walk away.

There is no easy answer to any of this. Reading everyone’s posts, all relationships are so different and what works for one doesn’t work for another.

For us MrTri met my children before we were even a ‘thing’ as he slept over (downstairs) after a party. Now it’s much easier for him to pop round however I do worry about the impact on them having met him so early. But on the positive side, it’s not been a ‘heavy’ thing for them, they just met him as another friend.

Am on the way home from a few days in Spain with my eldest DD and have really missed him. He’s picking us up from the airport so won’t be long.

@Ant330 any more from MissHair - am
Hoping she goes quiet to give you chance to get over her. I would suggest having a swipe, even if only half hearted, it can sometimes help.....

@WooMaWang Yes, I guess you're right. I can't, while my kids are so dependant on me, imagine sharing my time with them with anyone else. I also feel I have to be the stable one for them after their dad's affair breaking up the family.

Also, in a more selfish way, I don't want to be a parent figure to anyone else's kids. I think MrSAS probably feels the same, which is why what we have works for us both. I feel like I love two separate lives but I just can't blend the two!

Things sound great with you and Mr SG, I'm really happy for you 😊

Thank you @Savoretti and @WooMaWang
I’m seeing him tomorrow evening so will speak to him then. Am prepared to walk away from this if he doesn’t see me as anything more than casual as I’m looking for a relationship (which he knows).

@OhSurely it’s so frustrating when they can’t just be open and honest.
Though to be fair, dating again after long marriage/relationship breakdowns is a totally different ball game and I’m sure I’ve been guilty of messing people around. Not intentionally at all, but each person I’ve dated has kind of helped push me forward. Things I thought I wanted, turns out I didn’t, and vice versa. It’s only now,
18 months in that I feel a bit confident about myself and what I actually want.

It sure is hard. I was meant to be having a date with Mr B tomorrow eve but apart from one txt a day there was nothing. I tried asking how he was but it was all really hard work so I sent a txt saying let's just be friends. He replied ' sure,ofcourse and have a great day'.

Not sure a 55yr old would actually want someone with a pre teen either,as his are all adults.
So.....

Popped back on pof and chatted to what seemed a decent bloke.He asked for a date but today his pic has been hidden from his profile and seems to have gone awol . He said he was going through divorce. Yeah,sure. So I shall move swiftly on

Oh @kerkyra it’s like pulling teeth sometimes isn’t it

@TooOldForThis67 I agree with others I’d try to sort what you really want and are prepared to put up with as you should come before the ex.
@BatshitCrazyWoman my last relationship was six months. We’d met kids but only because we kind of had to and was casual with them. However never really integrated other family and no friends. It made me feel insecure and that’s why it ended. Now I think looking back that was a sign it wasn’t right. My friends thought it was really odd I never introduced them. Was like a weird bubble.
@OhSurelyNott I’d not be happy at all. I’m only at 7 weeks but scared to have the are we exclusive chat. Even though I think or hope we are and we see each other a lot. The family thing would make me think he’s not fully invested but I overthink so maybe I’m being harsh on him. Will follow avidly as you are a month ahead of me. A lot on here say the 3 month wobble is big. For me it was the 6 month wobble as I said above. Keep us posted!

My children and Mr BC's late wife's children are mid to late 20s, so it's a bit different. I live alone. I think part of the 'meet my friends' issue is that both Mr BC and I have very busy lives and live an hour and a half away from each other. Next time we're chatting I'm going to say I'd like to meet them, and see what happens. My gut says he wants me to meet them but doesn't want to push me.

Eventually I'd like to live with someone again so I don't want to be sidelined to a 'girlfriend' rather than a partner.

An observation, not based on personal experience, but if you're hitting the 6 month mark around now, then you have so far missed out on the classic British period for enforced socialising with family and friends that is Christmas???

originally I can’t brlieve you dropped the C word in August . It’s a good point though - everything changes over the ‘festive’ season (including people making promises to each other just so they get a pressie and someone to kiss on NYE).

As I have a fuckwit ex, and an adult disabled DC in a care placement, Christmas is already being considered! Mr BC wants to see me as much as possible over Christmas (we both have time off work) - I have disabled DC staying and other DC and partner visiting but will definitely be spending days with Mr BC.

Apologies for the C word in August 😝😳

originally you are forgiven . Actually I’m glad you did. I really don’t want to spend yet another NYE with my neighbours so I need to focus on getting my shit together!

@ccgirr we are only 5 weeks in but I said at the start if I sleep with someone I expect them not to be sleeping with anyone else and he agreed. Not been mentioned again but the amount he messages when we are not together there’s n way he has time to be seeing anyone else.
I hope...