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Original poster

Expectations of men as a modern woman dating...is this unreasonable?

764 replies

Turtleneckjumpers · 04/08/2019 11:00

I'm single. I have a decent job which allowed me to buy a house in my late twenties (by no means a mansion, worth circa 220 in 2015).

I care about a nice home and want to see a bit of the world. I'm not materialistic in the sense of buying designer clothes etc (I'm a Primark person mostly!). But money bothers me. It is important to me because it is a safety net in many ways. So I work hard and hope to always be able to support myself.

Here's the question. I date. So many men have either not bought a house (I do understand this isn't easy, but by age 38 I question this!!) or in an average job earning less than I am - significantly.

I've met a lovely man, 38, good fun. But in a recent conversation he voluntarily disclosed what he earns (45k) and said he has a good bonus and car and he's happy with that. I didn't say this but i was thinking really?! Are you just going to think ok I'm happy with that?!

I've been thinking about how awful this probably makes me and how it is probably why i have been single for a few years now. Also people into their jobs are often (not always i know) not the best partners. But i can't help being bothered by this. I want someone who wants to provide and is ambitious. Am I attracted to the wrong things here or is this reasonable?

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 07/08/2019 08:24

OP finds it strange that’s the point. Everyone is different. People are entitled to their own approaches to life and to their own criteria in a partner.

Personally I agree that not having bought your own home at 38 when you have a reasonable income and no dependents is a bit lacking.

But he’s entitled to live his life how he likes. But his outlook may just not be commensurate with the OP’s.

TatianaLarina · 07/08/2019 08:26

To be fair, it's no stranger than you wanting to be a stay at home mum while super ambitious and driven women pay for childcare and continue progressing in their careers.

That’s not particularly strange. I know lots of ambitious career women who took time out to be a SAHM when the children were small.

Benes · 07/08/2019 08:28

It's fine to have different values and to be attracted to people who hold particular values and outlook on life.

It's the judgement and ill - informed assumptions that aren't great. Applying those judgements and assumptions universally could mean the OP misses out on a great guy.

Banangana · 07/08/2019 08:32

That’s not particularly strange. I know lots of ambitious career women who took time out to be a SAHM when the children were small.

I know many of them too and I mentioned them in a post earlier on in the thread. I also know women who didn't stay at home even though they could have lived comfortably on their husband's income. I don't think either are strange. And neither is a single man who values his work/life balance and isn't particularly bothered about earning huge amounts.

ShatnersWig · 07/08/2019 08:33

Applying those judgements and assumptions universally could mean the OP misses out on a great guy

I hope so. A great guy deserves better than the OP.

LolaSmiles · 07/08/2019 08:33

Personally I agree that not having bought your own home at 38 when you have a reasonable income and no dependents is a bit lacking.
Whereas I would say it depends on where you're living and what you've done with it.

I have friends who teach in London who are still in house shares. I don't think they're lacking. I think they've chosen to make the most of the range of opportunities in London and made that compromise.

I also know some friends who enjoy travelling so they rent because they like the flexibility and lack of maintenance. They wanted to travel whilst they're young. Now in their 30s they're saving.

I have other friends who rent because they're considering moving abroad in the next 5 years and when a good opportunity presents itself they don't want to be stuck selling a house.

I don't find it hard to believe that others may not have the professional jobs, marriage and house that I've got whilst still being successful.

TatianaLarina · 07/08/2019 08:35

Well there’s an awful lot of judgment and ill-informed opinions coming from posters on this thread.

This isn’t about OP missing out on a great guy, posters don’t give a shit about that. It’s just an opportunity to put the boot in.

FaceForRadio1973 · 07/08/2019 08:37

Personally I agree that not having bought your own home at 38 when you have a reasonable income and no dependents is a bit lacking.

I was in a lucky enough position to be able to buy my first house when I was 24 in 1997.

Then (among other things) marriage and then , divorce happened, and I am now privately renting, with zero chance of buying now.

Am I happier? Hell yes!!!!!!

Although, seeing as I appear to be a complete failure in life, maybe I need to leave this thread alone?

TatianaLarina · 07/08/2019 08:39

Whereas I would say it depends on where you're living and what you've done with it.

And we’re all entitled to our own perspectives including the OP.

Benes · 07/08/2019 08:41

Have you read all of the OPs posts Tatiana?

The lack of basic comprehension about how the real world works still makes me think she's actually a troll. I'm still astounded by the fact she assumed teachers and nurses earned £60k +

Most people aren't sticking the boot in. They're pointing out that ambition can come in many forms. Most people would not consider a 38 year old man earning £45k lazy and unambitious.

Original poster
Turtleneckjumpers · 07/08/2019 08:42

A man who earns 45k a year, age 38, who chooses to fritter his money away instead of buying a house, or chooses not to buy a house because he doesn’t want the ‘hassle’ Hmm of selling it...

I think I’m ok with missing out on that sort of great guy.

OP posts:
Benes · 07/08/2019 08:43

Nice bit of drip feeding there OP 🙄

Original poster
Turtleneckjumpers · 07/08/2019 08:44

Because I wasn’t aware that a lot of people don’t earn 60k. Fine, I accept that.

I don’t accept that everyone can earn that if they want to. The exception of course is a child raised in a family where they have had zero opportunities. This is not the case for this man.

OP posts:
Original poster
Turtleneckjumpers · 07/08/2019 08:44

*cant not can!

OP posts:
Original poster
Turtleneckjumpers · 07/08/2019 08:45

bernes I was referring to the post above.

Although looking at this man’s life it’s certain he likes to holiday a lot.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 07/08/2019 08:45

Sure I have, they’re a bit kooky. But then there’s a lot of nonsense posted by others too.

It’s not a crime to be a bit naive. There are people all over the internet with odd ideas about life, you can’t police all of them.

TatianaLarina · 07/08/2019 08:47

To Benes ^^

ShatnersWig · 07/08/2019 08:47

Because I wasn’t aware that a lot of people don’t earn 60k.

Are people still actually buying this as a genuine OP? Even Boris Johnson is aware a lot of people don't earn 60k and he thought minimum wage was around a tenner an hour.

It's totally, utterly, patently absurd that anyone could actually think this, even if they came from a stupidly rich family with servants, because their servants wouldn't be on 60k.

dodgeballchamp · 07/08/2019 08:47

I have a friend who jointly bought a house with her ex partner, could barely afford the mortgage alone when they split up, took two years to sell it and made zero profit on it because they could only sell for the same price they bought it for so it’s not a guaranteed investment and now is struggling to buy again. She earns about 60k but is struggling to get a mortgage because she’s recently self employed. You don’t have to agree with people’s life choices but it’s not beyond your comprehension so understand why people choose different paths surely? I think this guy’s had a lucky escape from your rigid and inflexible views

Benes · 07/08/2019 08:47

OP...you really need to think about what you are saying.

Not everyone has the ability, potential, opportunities or desire to earn a large salary. I don't understand why you can't comprehend that.

Original poster
Turtleneckjumpers · 07/08/2019 08:49

It’s surprising I didn’t have all the National salary figures to hand. I find it surprising people are brainwashed into believing people in high paid jobs automatically give up the chance to be home in time to see their kids. You don’t need to mock me, I’ve not mocked you.

OP posts:
Benes · 07/08/2019 08:52

No you can't police every person on the internet but this is a forum where someone has asked for an opinion.

This is a subject( career development, employment, motivation etc) that I'm passionate about and is something I teach, research and write about so it's difficult to not respond when I see posts like this.

I still think she's a troll though..... nobody is this naive.

ShatnersWig · 07/08/2019 08:52

Turtle Were you home educated or did you go to school? Genuine question.

Benes · 07/08/2019 08:54

Not brainwashed turtle it's the reality for most people in high pressured jobs which command a high salary.

Research shows this and you've been given numerous examples.

Benes · 07/08/2019 08:56

And good on him for going on holiday as often as he can while he can! I'm 38 and if I was single and has no commitments that's exactly what I'd be doing!!