Expectations of men as a modern woman dating...is this unreasonable?

[Turtleneckjumpers]

I'm single. I have a decent job which allowed me to buy a house in my late twenties (by no means a mansion, worth circa 220 in 2015).

I care about a nice home and want to see a bit of the world. I'm not materialistic in the sense of buying designer clothes etc (I'm a Primark person mostly!). But money bothers me. It is important to me because it is a safety net in many ways. So I work hard and hope to always be able to support myself.

Here's the question. I date. So many men have either not bought a house (I do understand this isn't easy, but by age 38 I question this!!) or in an average job earning less than I am - significantly.

I've met a lovely man, 38, good fun. But in a recent conversation he voluntarily disclosed what he earns (45k) and said he has a good bonus and car and he's happy with that. I didn't say this but i was thinking really?! Are you just going to think ok I'm happy with that?!

I've been thinking about how awful this probably makes me and how it is probably why i have been single for a few years now. Also people into their jobs are often (not always i know) not the best partners. But i can't help being bothered by this. I want someone who wants to provide and is ambitious. Am I attracted to the wrong things here or is this reasonable?

Just because I said I work hard doesn’t mean I think others don’t work hard?

I only know two teachers and they both earn about 48, which is a lot more than I earn. I’m only going by what they say.

So when you said 'all of the teachers I know' you really meant 'both of the teachers I know'? Talk about a small sample size!

48k is the very top of the upper payscale for teachers in central London (and last year they wouldn’t have got that).

OP, but what sort of lifestyle do you expect as a family? That’s the bit I’m curious about as obv a lot of people on the thread feel that it’s possible to have a comfortable life on a salary that’s below your acceptable level.

All the teachers I know earn more than 48K - just saying
That was the salary for a senior leadership post I looked at so I'm guessing you're circle is exclusively either heads of large departments in schools that struggle to recruit or senior leaders.

The average wage for a teacher is £38k.
If you start including the salaries of heads and executive heads and those schools that have 85 senior leaders with a range of spurious titles probably.

It's not the norm for normal classroom teachers.

People who've got into leadership earlier have TLR payments for their jobs. I know now as people like me leave, the TLR isn't readvertised, portions of it are given as voluntary projects to offer 2nd/3rd year teachers the opportunity to build leadership skills.
When I left my last post that's what happened and my current post is suffering from role creep as the last TLR post holder in a related area has left and suddenly school thing this can get tagged into my job description.

JoJo I guess comfortable means no money worries, holidays for kids twice a year, ability to fund their education ideally.

That's not comfortable. That's incredibly privileged.....which is fine but it's a level above comfortable.

But a privilege I’m working for not being handed on a plate? Except for the privilege by birth and colour etc

And that's fine but it's important to recognise that privilege. I'm in the same position.....I've worked hard to put myself in a privileged position and provide a better life for my son. However, I recognise that privilege and know I'm more than just 'comfortable'

Things can change though. My DP has always earned considerably more than me and is content with where he is in his career. Now there's a possibility that I will be earning considerably more than him in a few months time!

But a privilege I’m working for not being handed on a plate? Except for the privilege by birth and colour etc

How are you this bad at following a discussion?

The pp is pointing out that you have a category error at play. You're saying "all I want is to be comfortably off", and arguing that 45k wouldn't do that... now it emerges that your idea of "comfortable" is demonstrably different to what most folk would think.

Shes not saying you're not allowed to want wealth.

Shes just saying you need to reframe and start saying, "I'm looking for wealth". Not "I'm looking for comfort". That would make your insistence on six figure salary and ambition make way more sense.

OP:Comfortable = funding private education and multiple holidays a year whilst not working
Reply: that's not comfortable, that's a highly privileged lifestyle
OP: but it's a privilege I'm working for
(And want key future partner to finance when I come out of work).

How many couples out there finance private education and multiple holidays on one salary I wonder?

I think from this warped definition of comfortable,the idea that the OP is only just comfortable on £45k and overall attitude etc that the pool of prospective suitors is limited.

This is going to fast become one of those hilarious threads that go like this:
DH and I have been thinking about having children but we are really worried about how to finance it. We have a household income of £100,000 but we're comfortable now and I'm not sure how we'll cover the costs of childcare and school fees, let alone holidays. We're used to skiing at Easter and then a big holiday in the summer,usually long haul and half board or AI in a nice resort. Would it be irresponsible to consider having a baby if we haven't got financial float? Any tips for how to make it affordable?

My view of that IS being comfortable. Not every parent with their child at a private school is wealthy!!!!!

lola whilst that may be hilarious to you, why can’t someone ask that question if it’s what they want?

Personally skiing holidays aren’t for me and I think they’re a waste of money. But if someone was bothered about these things then surely they’re entitled to be?

How are this poor at comprehension?? Of course not every child at private school is wealthy. They're still in a privileged position though.

Oh op.

Ok - carry on using words that YOU think mean certain things then. Never mind what the rest of the world thinks words mean. Who cares! It's not as if we use words to communicate with other human beings or anything...

Why even open the discussion if you won't be told.

Not every parent with their child at a private school is wealthy!!!!!

Unless their child has got a scholarship, then almost by defintion they will be of above average wealth at the very least.

Anyway, I don't see the point of your contributions. You want a highly comfortable existence, and you want a man to fund that lifestyle for you. Sounds a bit sad to me, but each to their own. What exactly do you want any of us here to say to you at this stage?

Not every parent with their child at a private school is wealthy!!!!!
They are more affluent than comfortable. The majority of parents at our local private school are professional couples and both work. The people I know considering it are professional couples who both work.

We could probably cut back and afford school fees for one child, but not 2. That alone makes us more than comfortable financially, but the bottom end of the wealth bracket for independent schooling.

Multiple holidays a year, private education on one income is wealthy.

Your refusal to see this is either totally clueless or really quite goady.

Your refusal to see this is either totally clueless or really quite goady.

I'm seriously wondering how this person supposedly managed to succeed in a high paying profession when she can't follow a simple discussion.

What exactly do you want any of us here to say to you at this stage?
Something to the effect of:
Yes you should expect a man to be ambitious and earn lots of money to support you. Failure to want more than a salary of £45k plus bonuses is tantamount to being a cocklodger. If you're just comfortable now as a singleton on an above average income then children on less than £80k a year is basically living on the breadline. It's totally reasonable to dismiss men early on based on salary and don't worry because there's loads of men who tick your boxes so you'll absolutely find you can take your pick from them.

The real consensus:
You're free to have whatever thresholds you like and whatever demands you like. On the whole your approach is unreasonable and hypocritical, but if that's your wishes then knock yourself out but be prepared you're looking at an increasingly narrow pool of potential suitors.

Are you aware that a woman earning more than 100k a year in the UK is in the top 1% of earners?

For a man its 200k if you take London allowance into account. Outside of London, a man making 100k a year is top 1%.

You have no idea what wealth/ affluence/ comfort is! If being in the top 1% of earners isnt wealth, then what is? Honest question!

@LolaSmiles That's pretty much the shape of it, yes!

How can you measure wealth by what is the top of something?

What if everyone had a pay cut, would 40k suddenly be wealthy because it’s now more than everyone else?

Wealthy can’t be defined just by that statistic

www.theguardian.com/money/2017/apr/19/how-much-earn-rich-70000-labour

How else do you define it? Wealth is obviously relative to what others earn in the population.