Expectations of men as a modern woman dating...is this unreasonable?

[Turtleneckjumpers]

I'm single. I have a decent job which allowed me to buy a house in my late twenties (by no means a mansion, worth circa 220 in 2015).

I care about a nice home and want to see a bit of the world. I'm not materialistic in the sense of buying designer clothes etc (I'm a Primark person mostly!). But money bothers me. It is important to me because it is a safety net in many ways. So I work hard and hope to always be able to support myself.

Here's the question. I date. So many men have either not bought a house (I do understand this isn't easy, but by age 38 I question this!!) or in an average job earning less than I am - significantly.

I've met a lovely man, 38, good fun. But in a recent conversation he voluntarily disclosed what he earns (45k) and said he has a good bonus and car and he's happy with that. I didn't say this but i was thinking really?! Are you just going to think ok I'm happy with that?!

I've been thinking about how awful this probably makes me and how it is probably why i have been single for a few years now. Also people into their jobs are often (not always i know) not the best partners. But i can't help being bothered by this. I want someone who wants to provide and is ambitious. Am I attracted to the wrong things here or is this reasonable?

kiss
It's a question people have asked (not me) and it's not been answered. Its also one that is probably an interesting piece of the picture.

Based on what OP has said late 30s to early 40s would make sense given the seeking someone as a father for kids, having decided that there'll be time out, wanting a man to have X y z assets and salary, most people in her circle already married and so on.

When people (rightly) commented on her unrealistic and possible unreasonable focus on money and assets, the OP claimed multiple times that it isn't money because she's had all these offers from wealthy men and turned them down.

Add in the repeated contradictions through the thread and it's either totally ridiculous or not 100% genuine.

What’s your point about how old she is again? How is it relevant???

They want the OP to say she's in her mid to late 30s so they can tell her that she's practically an OAP and no wealthy man will ever choose her when they can pick a 22 year old trophy.

They want the OP to say she's in her mid to late 30s so they can tell her that she's practically an OAP and no wealthy man will ever choose her when they can pick a 22 year old trophy.
Nope.
More that it's probably more sensible and realistic to not rule out people of a similar age to you for only earning £45k plus bonus and car because that won't give you the life you want when you leave work.

Age matters when one person is going into a relationship ready to inform the other party that they expect to have a career break to SAHP and expect a certain lifestyle. Career breaks affect those who take them, disproportionately women. If the OP is late 20s early 30s and gets back into the workplace by mid 30s in a supportive industry then the impact of her career break will probably be much lower than someone in their late 30s early 40s in terms of being around to re-establish themselves in the workplace, get upskilled. If the woman's job is to do the caring stuff then it's her career that (to use the OP's word) is sacrificed for the good of the husband's important job, then places may be a bit more tolerant and willing to offer more flexible working from someone who'll be in the post longer, able to train up and so on than they would be for someone who is returning mid to late 40s after being out during the window when many people make the next jump up.

If she's planning on having multiple kids and say wanted to be off til school age (hypothetically) then there's pension contributions to consider, a much bigger gap from the workplace will vastly diminish earning power in all likelihood.

Nothing to do with trophy wives in my opinion and everything to do with the fact that I think the OP is being very naive in her decision making and view of the future

The reason I asked was because of children and fertility. The points lola mentioned, but also because calculations are inevitably different for a woman in her late 20s than late 30s, for example. Although perhaps it's not an issue if she does indeed live under a bridge.

Read through again and I think she is in her 30s .

HorridHenrysNits
I mentioned those points to the OP in the first couple of pages when they came back saying they weren't looking for finances because the man would like the fact they would still earn a lot (motherhood penalty had not been considered here).

Age may also explain the urgency in terms of viewing all potential dates as breadwinners to support a SAHP.

fucking lol. people on here are in a dream world. Absolutely clueless.

Well, some people on here, I should say. Spoilt doesnt cover it.

I find your views really bizarre, OP. There are all kinds of worthwhile or even vital jobs in the world that do not earn you £45k. People choose some of those jobs because they are interesting and rewarding. They may even be ambitious within their field. But ambition isn't necessarily a financial thing.

I'm a teacher. I decided age 12 I wanted to be a teacher. Some teachers go for promotions and end up as headteachers on a pretty good salary. But doing that takes you out of the classroom and away from what your vocation was. You become a manager, not a teacher. For many teachers, ambition is about becoming the best teacher you can be.

I totally understand the desire to be comfortable and not struggling to get by. But thinking that a person 'should be on more than £45k by 38', regardless of what job they do is ridiculously naive and very materialistic, however you dress it up.

Off course ,Yabu and you will end up missing out on some lovely opportunities because of your attitude. He is lovely and fun and it seems content, but you are more fixated on material things. How would you like to be judged like that?

I’m 33.

Hope that sheds some light on these strange comments.

Literally all I said was I wanted someone to bring as much or more to the table financially.

You’ve said much more than that!!

I do get that I clearly have not appreciated that other areas of work do not mean you can make up to 45k. I genuinely hadn’t realised this expect for maybe waitressing and hairdressing sorts of jobs. But when you have no friends or family in lesser paid jobs how am I supposed to know what someone’s salary is?!

I think given that I only just feel comfortable on a salary over 45, I wonder how hard it must be if you settle on that or less, especially with a family?

I don’t even spend much money or do a lot of nice things so it’s not like I am living the high life on this by any means

And no I’m not trying to be snobby! I’m saying that I don’t feel it is that much and that I don’t have flashy things

But when you have no friends or family in lesser paid jobs how am I supposed to know what someone’s salary is?

By reading the news? Taking an interest in the world around you? Looking at statistics? Common sense? Where you live will also make a huge difference to how far a salary will stretch. Housing in Northumberland for example is not going to cost the same as the south east

Many jobs that require a degree or even post grad qualifications don’t pay 45k (or infrequently). And honestly, OP, I live in outer London and know quite a few families that have joint income in the 50-100k bracket. They own family homes, have decent cars, go on regular holidays, have some money for hobbies and going out etc. When children are 0-3, things are a little leaner due to childcare costs/loss of income but otherwise people do live comfortably.

@LolaSmiles eh your point about age and career breaks for women doesnt make sense. Your making a huge assumption about where the woman’s career is at each age- all things being equal, someone doing well at work in her 30s is going to find it easier to return from a career break as she already has carved out a niche for herself and a strong support base. It would actually be much harder for a person who is young and therefore only worked a couple of years to take a break and then return and have to compete with a bunch of fresh graduates ( who have bundles of energy, no kids, lots of time)

Reading statistics? Why would that even come up?

I have accepted I obviously have not been aware of finances generally. Does nobody feel 45k is not a huge amount of money? Am I seriously on my own with that?

I think £45k plus a bonus and a car is fine. If you were living in London maybe not but elsewhere fine. If you don't earn 'much more' than that then it's a bit weird for you to say it's not good enough. What amount of money do you think your future partner should earn?

You're not alone. 45k is above average but not a huge amount, especially in London. I think what has ruffled some feathers is you suggesting that people who are satisfied with 45k are in some way lazy and unambitious.

If you want to live an upper-middle-class lifestyle in London, and you don’t have a stock of other assets and investments, then 45K is indeed the square root of fuck all. But in absolute terms, it’s well above the average salary for a single person.

I have never said that someone earning less than 45k isn’t ambitious. I said that usually people who earn a lot are ambitious. And it is not ambitious to sit back at 38 and consider your career finished and therefore no progression financially.

As has been pointed out to me on this thread, wanting to have a work life balance isn’t ambitious but has its own merits.

Reading statistics? Why would that even come up?

Because you take an interest in how things work and want to find out more about them? Do you never feel curious about things, such as average/most common salaries for example, and google them?

Wanting a work/life balance is a respectable ambition in itself! For all your protests that you’re not money orientated it seems very much that you are

Does nobody feel 45k is not a huge amount of money? Am I seriously on my own with that?

Your original post was not about whether £45k is a huge amount of money, you stated your distaste for someone who considers it ok.

Obviously wealth is relative and most people accept that, but theres a difference between being naive about salaries and judging people on their salary (you've said that it's 'odd' not to want to earn over £45k).

You can have whatever criteria you like for partners, but that sort of attitude has a tendency to leak out and it's a serious turn off to people who aren't dicks.