Expectations of men as a modern woman dating...is this unreasonable?

[Turtleneckjumpers]

I'm single. I have a decent job which allowed me to buy a house in my late twenties (by no means a mansion, worth circa 220 in 2015).

I care about a nice home and want to see a bit of the world. I'm not materialistic in the sense of buying designer clothes etc (I'm a Primark person mostly!). But money bothers me. It is important to me because it is a safety net in many ways. So I work hard and hope to always be able to support myself.

Here's the question. I date. So many men have either not bought a house (I do understand this isn't easy, but by age 38 I question this!!) or in an average job earning less than I am - significantly.

I've met a lovely man, 38, good fun. But in a recent conversation he voluntarily disclosed what he earns (45k) and said he has a good bonus and car and he's happy with that. I didn't say this but i was thinking really?! Are you just going to think ok I'm happy with that?!

I've been thinking about how awful this probably makes me and how it is probably why i have been single for a few years now. Also people into their jobs are often (not always i know) not the best partners. But i can't help being bothered by this. I want someone who wants to provide and is ambitious. Am I attracted to the wrong things here or is this reasonable?

This thread has been completely derailed.

The hypocrisy is hilarious - all men with money are already married or want a younger woman. Yet apparently I’m the woman who is morally corrupt. Not these woman who are married to all these high earning men already.

45k sadly is not a huge amount of money and I repeat what I said earlier that the fact people believe it is, is what makes people at the top so rich.

OP is now just playing privileged wanker bingo now.
But it is funny.

I worked hard actually. Is that not allowed?

House!

I work hard too OP. Very hard. I still ' only' earn 45k.

Salaries vary depending on sector which is something you don't seem to understand. It doesn't necessarily reflect effort or level of qualification.

I came from a very poor background so for me 45k pa is a dream and hopefully one I'm earning soon. Then again to someone with a better upbringing that may not be alot so I can see where you come from.

At the moment I earn anything to 28 to 40k a year. My colleague on the same salary has a partner who earns that in bonus alone. They are happy with that arrangement as he treats her like a princess. Just the same my partner earns less than me but in a few years he'll be like my friends wife.

What your looking for doesn't seem to unreasonable as you want a partner who is your fincial equal. As you be mentioned prior you like having a financial safety net. Nothing wrong with that.

I don't have any advice really that hasn't been mentioned. Just be careful you don't pass up a good guy as he earns less than you.

45k sadly is not a huge amount of money

It is and it isn’t. IMO It’s actually enough to have a comfortable enough lifestyle (a roof over your head, pension, decent car holidays, no worries over boiler breaking etc).
Having a lot more only gets a little bit extra in terms of lifestyle, eg nicer hotels/own holiday home, a nicer car, school fees instead of a good state school sort of thing.

Jojo I agree and I think that's what the OP is missing. When you're young and building your career ambition makes sense because it's about building financial security and a comfortable lifestyle. Once you've done that you have a choice between striving for more or settling for what you have, but unless you're into lavish things, it's a game of diminishing returns because you're taking on more stress for things that don't bring you sufficient joy. This £45k guy may well lack "drive and ambition" in the OP's sense, but he's not in the off-putting man-child camp, he's just content with what he has, which in my book is admirable, though whether he's partner material depends on whether we connected in other ways. I can't personally see myself connecting with someone who is into pursuing a lavish lifestyle at all costs but that's not to say the OP is necessarily wrong for finding that attractive.

*I worked hard actually. Is that not allowed?

House!*

😂😂😂😂

Id say its nothing to do with the situation a man is in but the reasons why. My ex got the house and Ive been renting since, mostly because legal bills for child arrangements were over £20k. I was earning over £120k before the split, but needing to be around for school run on my days have blown that out of the water. Its a conscious choice I make to live within my means so my child has two parents raising her. When DD is older I will earn more to cover her increasing financial needs. However Id be quite upset if my partner or [hypothetically] a potential date judged me for not having a house. Just sayin

I'm off to look at Plenty of Caviar , £HARMONY , £lite . Bye .

OP you’re still not getting it. Nobody despises or begrudges people who work hard. What makes people despise the privileged is that they can have a tendency to lose sight of their privilege, forget that they operate in a small percentage of society and that not everyone has access to the opportunities they did, that what they consider the baseline needed to live is often vastly more than the majority of society, when they call people on £45k lazy and unambitious and insinuate the person doesn’t work hard enough, and generally forget that, while in their position comparatively it might not be a lot of money, they are not representative of society at large. That’s what people resent. If a self-made millionaire maintained awareness and humility people would perceive them very differently to one who berates low earners for not working hard enough.

People thinking £45k is a lot of money is not what stops them earning more. If you’ve only ever earned minimum wage then of course to you, it will be a lot! Capitalism is what keeps people poor. The workers at the bottom of the pile help generate the profits but see no return on it - those profits get the shareholders their dividends but don’t translate into bonuses or pay rises for the monkeys. Look at property investments - developers and business people make money off the fact that low earners can’t afford housing, increasing demand for rental properties and thus driving up their value and further pricing people out of the housing market. It’s got absolutely nothing to do with thinking 45k is a lot of money - capitalism actively works against low earners. People at the bottom of the pile would probably give anything to be on 45k and have a slice of the pie just to give them a bit of security and peace of mind. Having zero idea of how things actually work in real life is what makes people resent and despise the privileged. (And I say that as someone who does earn marginally more than 45k and am considered quite a high earner among my peers. It’s all relative and that’s what you seem to be failing to understand).

@dodgeballchamp and yet the proletariat in this capitalist country have a higher standard of life than they ever did in communist countries...

People on universal credit in hostels and temporary accommodation because their zero hour contracts won’t get them a room to rent might disagree that they have a great quality of life. But hey if we’re doing pointless comparisons I’m sure it’s better than people in Africa!

I don’t know of any communist coutries in Africa so comparing to Europe. Currently no communist countries either but if you look at the Gini coefficient in Scandinavia or Eastern Europe, the U.K. is only a tiny bit behind. Workers have rights, there’s a well-developed benefits system, social housing, free healthcare and education etc. Sorry for detailing the thread, OP!

As a man in his late 40s who earns more than the 'magical' figure of 45k, and who lives in London in a property with almost no mortgage outstanding, I am indeed still ambitious, but not in a way in which the OP would recognise I suspect.

While I would certainly take a new position with more pay, it would have to provide a significant improvement in salary without requiring a proportional level of extra time investment.

You see, as someone who has achieved a relative level of financial comfort, other things are now far more important to me, such as spending time with my children and my partner, going away on short breaks and generally catching up on things I missed out on in my youth when work was, perhaps, a far more important part of my life than it should have been.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that ambition can take many forms - mine was financial security when I didn't have any. Now that I have it, time and what I do with it, and the happiness that brings are far more valuable commodities.

Perhaps Mr 45k feels similar and has achieved a work-life balance that works for him, something I would argue is far more valuable that the digits on a pay slip or bank balance?

Yes of course there are many positive things about living in the UK and comparatively our quality of life isn’t bad - that doesn’t mean that every single person living here is free from poverty or suffering because they aren’t. the point I was making is that OP’s frame of reference is very narrow and lacks awareness of what life is like for a large number of people which, while it isn’t communist Russia, is way below what the OP seems to think is standard for everyone

Most if not all men I work with earn on average 130k.

Most if not all earn about 5 times the national average? What field are you in? If most if not all are earning this, I assume you are too or can expect to be at some point? So why are you so desperate to find a man to fund you?

I'm beggining to agree with those who reckon your'e a troll.

Has OP told us how old she is?

HorridHenrysNits
Conveniently not, but we can bet late 30s or early 40s based on the sudden need to find a baby daddy who'll support her, but it's probably really difficult to guess her age because she's always mistaken for 25, which is why she has all these wealthy men queuing after her who she turns down.

We're due another funny update or contradiction soon.

I did ask @HorridHenrysNits . No reply . The house was bought in her late twenties .
I could not work out from the original post if she was 38 too. The date who told much he earned was 38 years old .

@LolaSmiles there is no need to be so bitchy.

I think she did say at one point she was late 20’s.

@Turtleneckjumpers I actually completely understand what you're saying.

I haven't read all of the posts but I think I understand what you want, financial equality.

I always wanted this. I wanted to be with someone who earnt the same if not more than me. I have a great lifestyle, I've owned my own home since 18, I go on roughly 10 trips abroad each year and if I want to buy something 8 out of 10 times I can just buy it.

However, my DP isn't financially minded. He is self-employed, has 3 DC to pay for and can't be as free as me however he is an amazing person so if I want us to have the lifestyle I want, I'm happy paying for it.

Equally he knows I'll go off on my own on holidays/days out etc and he completely supports me.

I would recommend you don't disregard these men so quickly. You never know what has brought them to this moment in their lives. They may not have had the chance to save for a deposit for a house, maybe they've worked abroad or had other financial commitments.

Money truly isn't everything.

@CestCeleste , OP bought her house in her late 20s.

OP might be better using Gray and Farrar agency .

@lolasmiles your comments do seem a bit mean .. don’t think OP was boasting about men queuing up to marry her , she was just making the point that money is one of the things she considers, not the only thing...
What’s your point about how old she is again? How is it relevant???