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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married man...what do I do?

142 replies

Redorblues · 04/08/2019 05:35

Hi all,

I am a long time lurker, first time poster.

I'm trying to figure out exactly what to do about this situation, I could really do with some support.

I have recently moved to a new country on my own for a job secondment, and have been lucky to meet some really great people who I get on with so well. One of these people is man with whom I share so much in common, we have become good friends. There was a natural attraction there, but I put it to the back of my mind and put energy into forging other friendships and going on dates. He is married, with a child. However he contacts me constantly, we talk about everything. We both have similar childhood experiences and have been through a lot of therapy etc. We are both in our 30s. He and his wife separated last year, but are trying to give things a go now.

Well, there was a few of us out last week and the two of us ended up the only ones left. He confessed a huge infatuation with me, and pursued me relentlessly that night. I too am completely smitten. We had had a few drinks, and we ended up kissing and more. I feel so all over the place. No good can come of this. He has said he has been processing, and wants to meet and chat this week. We dont work together, just in the same building. I have the option of working away from the workplace a lot more often, but I don't want to isolate myself from my lovely colleagues and in a foreign country.

I have never been in this position before. I am trying to see him in a bad light and put everything in perspective. I'm hoping he wants to put it it behind us like I do, and that's why he wants to chat.

I know this is all so shitty, I didn't ever want to be someone's dirty little secret. I try to live with integrity, and this is tearing me up inside. I feel so awful and sad and lonely.

Please help me think straight, and try to be kind.

OP posts:
Mokepon · 04/08/2019 05:45

I think the only thing that he will be processing is how he can get away with having an affair.
Concentrate on the other lovely people you've met.
Imagine starting up something with him and it all going wrong, the implications of that for your work/relationships with others/your mental health.
I wouldn't meet him for a chat, it'll just all be angsty 'Oh we should be together' star-crossed lovers nonsense.
If he wants to be with you he will do rhe decent thing and split with his wife before starting anything else.

snoopy18 · 04/08/2019 05:53

Wouldn’t get involved in it it sounds very messy and he must be very confused if he’s meant to be giving it a go with his wife and kid but is doing all this with you. Sounds like a hot mess.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 04/08/2019 06:02

You're already his dirty little secret and you lost all integrity when you "kissed and more"'knowing he was married and trying to make a go of it with his wife

Walkmehome · 04/08/2019 06:07

You know the chat will be him making another pass at you.

AlongTheWay · 04/08/2019 06:09

Walk away. You've already crossed the line when you knew his situation. If he's not ready to leave his current relationship, for real not just say what you want to hear, then he has no business starting anything with you nor do you have any accepting his advances when you KNOW he's married.

Makes you just a bad really. Walk away and find someone who isn't taken. Don't stoop so low as to enter a relationship via an affair. At least have some self respect and respect for his family at home. He already sounds like a douche and who's to say once he screws his family over and is with you that he won't find the next person who starts attractive and then its you he does this to (not like you wouldn't deserve it..)

He has already shown you who he is.

AzraiL · 04/08/2019 06:13

Your mutual attraction and what you both have in common is irrelevent. Look at what you DON'T have in common:

Being single.

Sadiesnakes · 04/08/2019 06:17

You know he's not leaving his wife and more than likely she thinks she has a great marriage with a lovely faithful husband.
He's spinning you the usual marriage on the rocks line, she doesn't understand him anymore, they never have sex, grown apart but live together for the kids sake? blah blah blah and you are being very very stupid and selfish to believe any of it.

You are his ow, his dirty little secret and he'll shag you until he's bored of his "infatuation" and dump your sorry arse.

And you are delusional thinking you have any integrity.

Pineapplefish · 04/08/2019 06:18

You try to live with integrity OP, this is an opportunity for you to live up to those principles. It’s tough settling in to a foreign country when you don’t know anyone, but there are lots of single men out there. Good luck.

Elderflower14 · 04/08/2019 06:19

Be kind to you??? 🙄 You aren't being very kind to his wife are you??? 🍪

AlongTheWay · 04/08/2019 06:20

Be kind to you??? 🙄 You aren't being very kind to his wife are you???

Totally agree. What a way to settle into a new country and new job, by getting a reputation.

Sadiesnakes · 04/08/2019 06:21

You don't need any support and no one should offer you any here anyway.

Maybe direct his wife here? She's the one in need of support.

KatherineJaneway · 04/08/2019 06:22

To be blunt, he knows you have just moved countries on your own, are lonely and he's hoping to take advantage of that vulnerable feeling and have sex with you while working things out with his wife.

SmallestViolin · 04/08/2019 06:28

Nothing in life is certain except for death, taxes and being pursued by married men. It's not big, it's not clever and anyone can do it.

So what you do is tell him that you're not interested. That's it. There is nothing else.

Turn those feelings of "ooh, he likes me" into feelings of "fuck that, I'm worth more than being someone's bit on the side".

When he asks you if you want to see where it goes, ask him what his wife thinks of that.

Have a bit of self respect.

HeffaLump1 · 04/08/2019 06:32

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them"
He's shown you he's an unfaithful sleeze. Is that how low you think of yourself? To think that's what you're worth?
He is prepared to put himself and his wants above his wife and child. Wow, watch a catch you have there.

CarafeOfTheFinestWine · 04/08/2019 06:32

They probably split because you won’t have been the first. Before you dive headlong into something that has the potential to turn into a complete mess start making new friends, try jo8ning things outside work, concentrate on single people or people not hitting on you. If he’s still around in a few months time then have another look. You may find your feelings have changed.

He’s got a young child, that’s where his energies should be, not messing around with the new girl.

CarafeOfTheFinestWine · 04/08/2019 06:33

And If it did go anywhere then where do you end up as dads new girlfriend (this years version).

BillieEilish · 04/08/2019 06:34

Oh dear. No OP just no, and what all PP's have said.

We've all had the married man chase us. It's all bullshit. No, he won't leave his wife and child and ex pat communities gossip so much.

Guard your integrity please, look after you.

thelonggame · 04/08/2019 06:39

I say this with kindness, but have some respect for yourself.
Distance yourself, he's married, he's using you while telling his wife he loves her and wants to make a go of it with her - why would you consider looking twice at him?

Original poster
Redorblues · 04/08/2019 06:42

Thank you all for your honesty and wisdom. I have deleted his number.

I think I should go home. I miss the USA and my mom is sick. She encouraged me to take this opportunity, but I just want to be near her and figure out how I became such a terrible person.

I am so sorry to all the people who have been on the other side of this :(

OP posts:
CurlyWurlyTwirly · 04/08/2019 06:44

Good decision

jeezerwheezer1974 · 04/08/2019 06:44

Don't get involved. Sage advice given here. How could you possibly want to be with this man, knowing that he is trying to give things a go with his wife. He is not to be trusted. I bet he hasn't thought twice about how she feels, when off with you and your kissing and more thing.

ivykaty44 · 04/08/2019 06:45

but are trying to give things a go now.

It’s a strange way of making a go of his marriage by putting relentless effort into chasing you

He is bullshiting you with a pack of big fat lies

Your away from home, in a strange country and he’s honed in on these factors to suck you in

What do you want, a load of grief for the next year or a happy time?

ukgift2016 · 04/08/2019 06:46

You know what you and him are doing is wrong. It shows a lack of moral character from both of you.

Do not think you are the first or the last OW he will chase.

If you really are 'special' he will leave his wife to pursue you.

BodyOfBrass · 04/08/2019 06:48

To be blunt, he knows you have just moved countries on your own, are lonely and he's hoping to take advantage of that vulnerable feeling and have sex with you while working things out with his wife.

^ this.

OK, if you're infatuated like this, it will be extremely difficult to walk away. It's like you have just developed a crack habit. But walk away you must. You need to give yourself some.seroous motivation to walk. Imagine what an affair with this man would actually mean for your life. Misery and your self esteem trampled on for a long time. Read about how you will always feel second best. How his feelings for his wife will trump those about you in the long run. How if you're actually together the excitement will go. How men's mistresses are very often not the people they would go for in long term commitment terms.
And then... Go cold turkey. And do it one day at a time, like I'm addictions rhetoric. Just for this day, you will not contact or see him. Then repeat....

Good luck. Deciding you have to move on is the only decision you can make which leads to a decent outcome for you. Flowers

Graphista · 04/08/2019 06:52

You ONLY have HIS biased, ulterior motives word for whatever bullshit he's feeding you - not only about his marriage, but quite possibly the things you "have in common" - think VERY honestly was it usually a case of you saying something and him going "OMG me too"? Classic move by predators.

ALSO you are not only risking being dragged into a VERY messy, sleazy and destructive relationship, you're also putting your career/reputation at work at risk!

I'm willing to bet he's of a higher "rank" with more "time served" and you're new to the company, if not the industry you work in and have yet to build a professional reputation?

Do you want that reputation to be "works hard, gets on with everyone; always professional"

OR

Do you want it to be (and yea before everyone starts this IS misogynistic bullshit BUT it's also how the real world works currently)

"Office slut, chasing married men trying to sleep her way to promotion"?

And if your company has (as many do now for JUST such situations) a "no fraternisation" policy you could well end up sacked!

Is he really worth risking all that? And quite possibly your sexual health too?

Your choice. But I say you need to get a grip and WAKE UP!

This is an all round terrible idea, tell him to get lost Ang focus on your job, settling into the new country and making platonic friends initially while you're so vulnerable.

Does your company have a mentoring programme for people in your position? They really should and it should be someone who wouldn't behave as he has.