Married man...what do I do?

[Redorblues]

Hi all,

I am a long time lurker, first time poster.

I'm trying to figure out exactly what to do about this situation, I could really do with some support.

I have recently moved to a new country on my own for a job secondment, and have been lucky to meet some really great people who I get on with so well. One of these people is man with whom I share so much in common, we have become good friends. There was a natural attraction there, but I put it to the back of my mind and put energy into forging other friendships and going on dates. He is married, with a child. However he contacts me constantly, we talk about everything. We both have similar childhood experiences and have been through a lot of therapy etc. We are both in our 30s. He and his wife separated last year, but are trying to give things a go now.

Well, there was a few of us out last week and the two of us ended up the only ones left. He confessed a huge infatuation with me, and pursued me relentlessly that night. I too am completely smitten. We had had a few drinks, and we ended up kissing and more. I feel so all over the place. No good can come of this. He has said he has been processing, and wants to meet and chat this week. We dont work together, just in the same building. I have the option of working away from the workplace a lot more often, but I don't want to isolate myself from my lovely colleagues and in a foreign country.

I have never been in this position before. I am trying to see him in a bad light and put everything in perspective. I'm hoping he wants to put it it behind us like I do, and that's why he wants to chat.

I know this is all so shitty, I didn't ever want to be someone's dirty little secret. I try to live with integrity, and this is tearing me up inside. I feel so awful and sad and lonely.

Please help me think straight, and try to be kind.

Of course he doesn't want to put it behind him, don't be so naive. he wants a nice guilt free affair with you, he will then ditch you.
I expect they separated after he did this again and again with other women.
Just say no thanks and keep your distance from this man.

I don't really get why people are saying OP isn't a terrible person.....she knowingly colluded with someone to cheat on their wife...... oh how many perfect human beings there are on this thread. People who would never have done wrong ever. The OP knows that what she has done is wrong. But literally anyone could end up developing feelings for someone who was in a relationship. And literally anyone could end up in a position where those feelings developed at a time when they are vulnerable and more susceptible to being drawn in.

nobody is perfect. I’ve never cheated with a married man either and neither have many people. But I would bet that almost everyone has developed at the very least a crush on one who was married or in a relationship, and if those feelings were recipricated there are plenty who would be receptive to them at the right (or wrong, however you look at it,) time.

OP, there is no point in beating yourself up. What happened has happened. You can’t take it back. You can however move forward without this man in your life, and you can still stay where you are. Don’t let one stupid move on your part define your future.

Sadly there are women who get sucked into believing the BS fed to them by sleazey married men and so feel that they must be so special if a man is willing to break up his family for them only to get a big shock when the true realisation is they are nothing but a bonus shag to said married men.
Have some dignity OP, dont lose respect and friendship from the other people you have met as believe me you will be very unpopular with all the women folk at least, not a good way to start this chapter of your life.
There are plenty of nice single men out there, leave the sleazy ones alone.

oh how many perfect human beings there are on this thread. People who would never have done wrong ever.

I’m definitely not perfect but I’ve never gotten off with another woman’s husband!! That makes OP a bad person in my book! There is absolutely no excuse for it and could have been avoided if she’d exercised an ounce of self-control!

WTH?

So what do want the OP to do, designate herself as forever a Bad Person and... carry on the affair?

I haven't done this particular bad thing but throughout my life I've had times where I've done something wrong, hurt people, and all you can do is recognise it, seek out better company, forgive yourself and move on.

You are NOT a terrible person OP

And I say that as a married women with a baby on the way. If you were a terrible person you wouldn’t feel bad, guilty and wouldn’t be asking for advice on it!

Terrible people don’t give AF what anyone else thinks 🤔

@Skittlenommer but how many of the wrong things you’ve done would make others think of you as a bad person? It’s all subjective you see. What is bad to one is a stupid thing to someone else. It’s so easy to talk about this one thing you’ve never done as making someone else a bad person, but others will have the same judgements of things you have done.

I think people who do drugs are bad people with no consideration to those around them. But others think nothing of smoking a joint even with their kids in the house.

Other people think that women who go back to work are bad people for leaving their children. And yet many women choose to go back to work.

The list goes on and we don’t live in a world where this one thing you’ve done shapes the way your life is and should become. That way madness lies.

We just can’t hold people up to our own sense of right, unless obviously they’ve done things which are so repellant ie. murder or child abuse that even the legal system would have them brought to account for it.

I guarantee you will have friends and family who have cheated on their partners and who will have been OW and OM at some point. I imagine that you don’t know and that you would consider these people to be decent human beings at the point you didn’t know about what they’ve done. Finding out that e.g. someone you held in high regard kissed a man twenty years ago shouldn’t change that view, it says far more about you than it does them.

You can’t say the behaviour is not so bad because she feels guilty. Would it be worse if she didn’t care? Of course not.

Anyway op it’s afffair territory already if you have ‘kissed and more’ whatever that means. You need to cut it dead. No meeting for chats or staying friends.

You can’t say the behaviour is not so bad because she feels guilty. Would it be worse if she didn’t care? Of course not. but you can still say the behaviour was bad without labelling the individual for ever as a bad person...

And there is a vast difference between someone who kisses a married man on a night out and someone who becomes the OW and carries on a long-term affair. Neither is right, but the one who kisses and regrets should not be defined in the same light as the other one.

I knew someone who had had multiple affairs with multiple men, and she had a partner of her own. Some of these men were married, others weren’t, but she had a partner of her own. I know of at least three affairs she had, in fact she left her last husband for someone else who then changed his mind and it turned out he’d been playing around all along. I found it difficult to muster any sympathy for her at that point given the form she had iyswim.

Now, I would judge her as a fairly awful person. But the woman who kisses a married man and then regrets it I would judge the behaviour as being pretty shit but as long as they moved forward and recognised their own part I wouldn’t consider that this alone made them a bad person.

literally anyone could end up developing feelings for someone who was in a relationship. And literally anyone could end up in a position where those feelings developed at a time when they are vulnerable and more susceptible to being drawn in.

This is rubbish!
OP hasn't known him that long - easy for her to play the vulnerable card now isn't it - he's been in "therapy" same as her - what makes him any less vulnerable???
I've had male friendships before where they've expressed an interest in "more" but I've got more self respect and integrity to have acted on it when we were both in relationships

Generally always the man who is portrayed as the predator on here and having his cake and eating it but so is she - seems like she gave him the come on with this "smitten" and "natural attraction" behaviour and he has responded to it. She's acted on it knowing that she doesn't have a wife and child to answer to at home

@NoCauseRebel I think hooking up with another woman’s husband is probably up there on most people’s list of shitty behaviours and most people would consider her (and him) to be bad people!

@gonewiththepotter
OP hasn't said what's she's done is bad though nor has she expressed any guilt

Instead she said she's trying to see HIM in a bad night - no mention of herself and placing all the blame on him

I think hooking up with another woman’s husband is probably up there on most people’s list of shitty behaviours and most people would consider her (and him) to be bad people! given most people admit to having cheated on a partner at some point I think that it’s unlikely that most people would consider them bad people...

If going home is going to badly affect your career then I wouldn’t make any rash decisions.

Look - you’re probably not evil incarnate as some of these posts imply.

And you’re probably not a sweet, innocent little lamb seduced by the big bad married man that others imply.

You’re a grown woman who shagged a married man because you cared more about getting your rocks off than the morality about it.

That’s fine. That was your decision in the moment. It wouldn’t have been mine but it doesn’t mean you’re the dregs of humanity either.

A PP is right; everyone will know about this.

And many PP are right too when they say he’s more than likely feeding you total bullshit so you’ll continue a seedy affair.

But if you can keep your chin up, and keep your distance from this aresehole, then you don’t need to run off home. You can concentrate on your career and your life.

Be prepared for some colleagues to be less lovely after they hear what happened. Those are called consequences for your actions.
Then again, they might not give a shit!

And in the future, I’d probably stay away from getting pissed and having sex with married men...

@NoCauseRebel
I think his wife and child would consider her bad person

From my own experience, this is who he is.
In life, we get what we give. What this guy gives is who he is.
It's a weak, self-centred person who can't do the right thing and end one relationship before starting another. I'd back off from this ENORMOUS can of worms, OP.
Short-term fun. Long-term clusterfuck. Sooo not worth it. Trust me.

Oh and there's a kid?
Say no more. Hands off, OP. Seriously. Let him sort his shit out and clean up his mess. You have to let him try to work it out.
Be a decent person here. Child or no child, let the guy try and work on his marriage. Don't be the obstacle.

skittlenomer @NoCauseRebel I think hooking up with another woman’s husband is probably up there on most people’s list of shitty behaviours and most people would consider her (and him) to be bad people!

They are not bad people but they have made bad choices.

Don't throw away a good work opportunity because of this guy. Sorry but soon enough he will be chasing after someone else and if you leave now you may one day regret it.

Learn from this mistake and surround your self with the new friends your making. Avoid him at all costs. Not working together should help

You know with these sort of men, you won't be the first or the last.

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted

🤔 being ready to run home to her own country and leave her opportunity here behind to ensure it doesn’t happen again and remove herself from the situation definitely insinuates guilt/feeling like she needs to leave.

It also sounds like OP was the one being heavily pursued.
Sorry but if it were my DH hounding a young girl alone in a strange country - I wouldn’t be blaming her for it!

Leave the OP alone. She has finished the affair. She now knows her behaviour was shitty but at least she had the balls to end it. And I say that as the ex wife of a husband who did have an affair.

How convenient he feel for the woman who is only there on a temporary basis.

Don't see him alone, ever. Cancel whatever meeting was in. If you absolutely have to talk to him for work purposes, schedule a meeting that includes other people or have a call in public. Don't meet outside the office. If he is at office social events, leave before he does and don't talk to him. If you don't need to talk to him for work, block his number completely and don't speak to him beyond perfunctory pleasantries when absolutely required. He's a cheater and a loser.

She hasn’t ended it. She deleted his number.