Married man...what do I do?

[Redorblues]

Hi all,

I am a long time lurker, first time poster.

I'm trying to figure out exactly what to do about this situation, I could really do with some support.

I have recently moved to a new country on my own for a job secondment, and have been lucky to meet some really great people who I get on with so well. One of these people is man with whom I share so much in common, we have become good friends. There was a natural attraction there, but I put it to the back of my mind and put energy into forging other friendships and going on dates. He is married, with a child. However he contacts me constantly, we talk about everything. We both have similar childhood experiences and have been through a lot of therapy etc. We are both in our 30s. He and his wife separated last year, but are trying to give things a go now.

Well, there was a few of us out last week and the two of us ended up the only ones left. He confessed a huge infatuation with me, and pursued me relentlessly that night. I too am completely smitten. We had had a few drinks, and we ended up kissing and more. I feel so all over the place. No good can come of this. He has said he has been processing, and wants to meet and chat this week. We dont work together, just in the same building. I have the option of working away from the workplace a lot more often, but I don't want to isolate myself from my lovely colleagues and in a foreign country.

I have never been in this position before. I am trying to see him in a bad light and put everything in perspective. I'm hoping he wants to put it it behind us like I do, and that's why he wants to chat.

I know this is all so shitty, I didn't ever want to be someone's dirty little secret. I try to live with integrity, and this is tearing me up inside. I feel so awful and sad and lonely.

Please help me think straight, and try to be kind.

Absolutely 100% chippy. Adultery has always existed and always will. We don't have a litany of derogatory sexual insults to heap on the men that do it, just the women.

OP had one evening of poor judgement which she regrets. And she's being called all manner of disgusting things.

I despair of how women treat women, I really do. It won't make their own husband any more likely to stay faithful, it's just an insurance policy so that if he does cheat they can blame a woman.

@MorrisZapp
What disgusting things has she been called?
She's been judged and rightly so - no one has used any four letter words or the term
Home wrecker etc

@ChippyPickledEggs
Plenty of things are not our natural state - eg shitting in a toilet - doesn't mean we go about doing our business in the bushes does it whilst also cheating on our partners

Just because it's always existed and always will doesn't mean that we should become accepting of it - if no one judges it infidelity will become the societal norm

I agree Morris. I look at the threads on infidelity on Mumsnet and feel sad and horrified. Of course I feel sadness for those betrayed - it has recently happened to a close friend of mine and I have seen first hand the devastation it can wreak. But mostly I read the comments and recoil. It is pure fear talking: 'If I call the OP a cunt and heap as much shame as I possibly can on to her, then I can contribute to a climate of fear and shame that can control other women, and then maybe it won't happen to me.'

Except we can't control others. And infidelity is a part of human life and relationships. Always has been, always will be. Nobody thinks it's good behaviour, nobody thinks it's ideal. But it happens, for all sorts of reasons, and it is not a crime. People do all kinds of things to eachother in relationships that wound and damage: withholding affection, being controlling, belittling and demeaning their partners etc. Who is to say what is worse?

@ChippyPickledEggs

Monogamy comes naturally to a lot of people. And for most people that it doesn’t come naturally to it’s not difficult to resist an urge if you’re not an animal. Humans have developed a sense of morality to overcome base natural instincts. Next you’ll be saying that rapists aren’t bad people because they were just following their natural urges.

I don’t get this whole “he’s in the wrong he took vows”

Behave. The OP knew he was married and they were working on their relationship . She had a mouth and could have used it to say no.

Both need a shake

Rape? Did I actually just read that? What the ever loving fuck. I give up.

I came here because I wanted some honest and impersonal advice from people who knew what they were talking about, and who didn't know me as a person. Some of it has crushed me, I've been in tears all day. Everything you have said is true. I have been a cunt, a piece of shit and have put my own desires before thinking of others.

But I don't think I am a bad person overall. Yes, I have done a bad thing. To every one of you, I thank you for taking the time to tell me what you think. To tell me your experiences and share your wisdom, and tell me honestly what you think of me. I felt numb before posting, but no longer.

I always wondered what it would be like to be on the receiving end of unbiased opinions here, and what would really stick. I have ever had any sympathy for an OW, and yet it is the words of kindness and support that make me feel like I can be a good woman again.

I am listening to all of you, and am so glad that strangers have reached out and tried to help me.

You sound very young OP

Do not continue down this route. Try not to overdramatise either.

You're not the first, you're not special, you won't be the last. Get over it and get on and meet a nice man. One day you'll mary and have a child and understand what we are all saying.

Good Luck

Chalk it down to experience. You'll recognise the massive red flags much better next time a MM starts his spiel.

To all the posters commenting how “young” op is/sounds did anyone actually read this? She is in her 30s as is the married guy. It’s probably more damaging than not to give advice when you haven’t read properly.

Op it’s good that you feel this has been helpful - hope you are able to back away from this situation now.

You’re not a terrible person. You’ve made a mistake but you’ve recognised that.

You’ve done the right thing by deleting his number. Don’t have anything to do with him in future.

And perhaps reflect on what led up to you behaving in a way that you know feel so bad about.

You’re in another country
You’re homesick
You’re missing your mother and worried about her

So you are vulnerable to a man who is clearly prepared to behave extremely badly.

So now you know your weaknesses, guard against situations where you are vulnerable to your own temptations and lesser behaviour.

Forewarned is forearmed.

Oh, and now you know your vulnerabilities, focus on things that strengthen you and help you be your better self.

Lust and loneliness are tough. You’re not a terrible person, but you have made a bad mistake. Use this better knowledge of yourself to look after yourself better.

@Redorblues don't run home or this mistake will define you. You did a bad thing and you know it. That doesn't make you a bad person. I doubt there's a person on this thread who has never done a bad thing.

Deleting his number is a start. If he messages you explain that you think it's better if you just have no contact atm, and thst he concentrates on his wife.

If you had sex, did you at least use protection?

Good people can make mistakes. Just make sure you really do walk away from this. There is no happy ending to this situation if you pursue it - for you or his wife.
Plus, could you live with the guilt of being the other woman. Affairs are wrong - end of!

So you KNEW he was married and had a child but still went ahead and had an affair with him! How selfish of you?!!! Aren’t you lovely for attempting to fuck up a marriage and an innocent child’s life!! And now YOU want help and advice??!! Wow!! Just wow!! I sure do hope that you know that if anything comes of this you will spend the rest of your days with him wondering who his next “infatuation” will be!! It certainly won’t be you OP!!

I didn’t RTFT OP I just read and it triggered A LOT for me (as the child of a man who cheated on my mother with a woman who knew he was married) sorry OP but NOTHING good can come of this!!

Boggles I find that comment upsetting. Rape is about power; about men's sense of entitlement and wish to dominate and humiliate women - not sexual desire. It is a grave crime of violence. What a shocking comparison.

Also your post doesn't make sense. The urge to make emotional and sexual connections outside of ones primary relationship clearly is a difficult urge to resist, otherwise people would just... resist it wouldn't they. And they don't. Even in countries where it is illegal they don't.

Just think about how common infidelity is. Most marriages I know that have ended have done so due to an affair. Most women I know have been involved in some situation involving infidelity in their life times (and probably most men too.) That's a lot of people.

And most people are not sociopaths. Almost all of us have the ability to empathise, understand consequences and morality, and do not wish to hurt others. That includes most people who have affairs. The vast majority of unfaithful people understand that what they are doing may damage others. They feel guilt, they are often in turmoil, and yet... they still do it. Precisely because these feelings of desire and excitement and connection are so difficult to resist. Do you honestly believe that everyone who engages in infidelity is some kind of immoral savage? That the man who has been a wonderful husband and father for 20 years until he fell for someone else has been hiding a monster all that time? Or is it more likely that all of us have the potential to fall for someone else and handle it badly, causing others pain?

To you OP, please stop attacking yourself. You are not a piece of shit and talking to yourself like that will not help you to make better choices. Try building yourself up. Instead of telling yourself you're a cunt (please do not talk to yourself this way - it isn't true) try telling yourself that you are worth more than what this man has to offer. Tell yourself you are a good woman who treats herself and others with respect. You have made a mistake is all. Walk away, move on, and forgive yourself.

OP it's hard to be a stranger in a strange land even with a great job and the chance of making friends which you've done. It's made you vulnerable to an attractive married man who says he's trying to remake it with wife and child but may have spun you a story. If he were honourable to his wife child and you, he wouldn't have pursued you. You're not innocent, but infinitely more vulnerable and not the betrayer. Crack on with your life and ignore him as well as blocking him. Don't go back to the US yet unless your ma is really sick .. she clearly wanted you to have this chance. Join a club, ask friends round for supper.

I hope your mother feels better soon OP.

I think that this tawdry episode has probably tainted the new opportunity for you. In your position I’d probably head home (maybe not to my home town, but somewhere near enough to mother) and start afresh.

OP you came on here for clarity and you have it. That is what forums are for.

There are very few good and bad people in the world, there is a sliding scale that we all fall somewhere on.

OP knew he was married, but was pretty vulnerable in a new country and fell for him. They had one evening of adulterous behaviour of some extent.

She did not seek him out specifically and has no history of targeting married men.

She didn't have an ongoing affair with him but came on here for clarity.

On the sliding scale she is at neither extreme.

OP opportunities come in all shapes and sizes, if this job is now poisoned for you, go home, restock, and begin again.

X

The best thing you could do now is to tell his wife. Like if all us females were honest to each other this world would be a better place.we allow men to rule things. WHY ON EARTH DID YOU GO THERE. You should not run away from your problems so you should stay and deal with it like a muture adult not like a child. What ever you do I really hope his wife finds out. I am so sorry to say this although it's my opinion.

Oh my god. Do NOT tell his wife.

OP, you're not a bad person. Ignore the posters who say you are. None of us are perfect, you were led by lust and infatuation, which is entirely human, we have all been there, whether we admit it or not. At least you have nipped it in the bud before it went any further. Just get on with what you are doing, focus on your friends, get on with your work and just put it to the back of your mind. If you fancy a chat, pm me.

You kissed someone else's husband. Have some pride

If he us that unhappy in his marriage he will leave that first before starting a relationship with you. Leave him well alone for the time being.