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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Married man...what do I do?

142 replies

Redorblues · 04/08/2019 05:35

Hi all,

I am a long time lurker, first time poster.

I'm trying to figure out exactly what to do about this situation, I could really do with some support.

I have recently moved to a new country on my own for a job secondment, and have been lucky to meet some really great people who I get on with so well. One of these people is man with whom I share so much in common, we have become good friends. There was a natural attraction there, but I put it to the back of my mind and put energy into forging other friendships and going on dates. He is married, with a child. However he contacts me constantly, we talk about everything. We both have similar childhood experiences and have been through a lot of therapy etc. We are both in our 30s. He and his wife separated last year, but are trying to give things a go now.

Well, there was a few of us out last week and the two of us ended up the only ones left. He confessed a huge infatuation with me, and pursued me relentlessly that night. I too am completely smitten. We had had a few drinks, and we ended up kissing and more. I feel so all over the place. No good can come of this. He has said he has been processing, and wants to meet and chat this week. We dont work together, just in the same building. I have the option of working away from the workplace a lot more often, but I don't want to isolate myself from my lovely colleagues and in a foreign country.

I have never been in this position before. I am trying to see him in a bad light and put everything in perspective. I'm hoping he wants to put it it behind us like I do, and that's why he wants to chat.

I know this is all so shitty, I didn't ever want to be someone's dirty little secret. I try to live with integrity, and this is tearing me up inside. I feel so awful and sad and lonely.

Please help me think straight, and try to be kind.

OP posts:

Beautiful3 · 04/08/2019 06:53

Im glad that you are wise enough to stop things from going any further. Well done op. I think that you're homesick and need to go back home to see your point mum and catch up with friends. Do what's right for you. You know yourself the affair would only lead to negativity. Good luck op.

user1493423934 · 04/08/2019 06:54

No. No. Just no.
Fact #1. Everyone will find out. trust me. They will.
Fact#2. When it turns to custard YOU will be the one with the damaged reputation. Is that what you want?
I think I should go home. I miss the USA and my mom is sick. She encouraged me to take this opportunity, but I just want to be near her and figure out how I became such a terrible person.
I wouldn't make a rash decision like that that now, maybe give it a few more months (unless, of course your mother is very sick) to focus on you job, and building up your relationships with the nice people you've met.
You're not a 'terrible person.' A lot of people have been in your position, and the fact you obviously feel guilty enough to post about it shows you are (I'm sure) a lovely person who just made a slip up.

thepinkp · 04/08/2019 06:55

Hmm.. Not the best way to settle into a new country/company. Tell him bluntly to focus his efforts on sorting out his marriage! Steer well clear unless you want to get yourself in all sorts of mess. Whatever's the connection the man is a cheat and doesn't exactly treat women with respect.

Mokepon · 04/08/2019 06:55

Look, you made a mistake it doesn't mean you should beat yourself up over it forever.
Do you think your 'friend' is feeling guilty?
None of us are perfect and as a pp said, he has targeted you as he knows you are in a vulnerable position.
You also said you've met some lovely people so stick it out a bit longer. You chose to do this for a reason, so don't let the reason that you pack it in be due to a sleazebag masquerading as a buddy.
I

Kahlua4me · 04/08/2019 06:57

Well done for deleting his number.

I have been in your position and it’s the one thing in my life that I truly regret and still feel guilt over 30 years down the line. I never talk about it now and none of my friends know. I was in another country away from everybody I knew and then pursued by this good looking man no doubt with the same lines as he has been feeding you. I think it’s east to get sucked into it when you are away and everything is new. I truly believed he loved me and we would be together forever - but he obviously didn’t have the same goal despite his words...

Don’t be in a rush to go home though, you are not a terrible person - just swayed by needing somebody close in a foreign place. Your mum wanted you to go there so try to have a good time and socialise with the other friends/colleagues you have made so then this relationship becomes a minor event compared to others there.

Waytooearly · 04/08/2019 07:01

Well done cutting him out!!!

Don't beat yourself up anymore. Moving to a new country alone makes someone vulnerable and he made a beeline for you, didn't he?

If you get tempted again, get your anger up: how dare he expect you to be his shameful side piece, risking your professional reputation and happiness like that?

Angelf1sh · 04/08/2019 07:02

Unless he’s already permanently ended things with his wife, there’s nothing for you to talk about. Distance yourself from him as others have suggested and the infatuation will pass.

BodyOfBrass · 04/08/2019 07:05

Oh OP, just read your update

You're not a terrible person. At all. It is probably useful to feel this pain, just to put you off continuing, but it will pass. Give your mom a call if you can. Maybe you can talk it through, and feel less homesick?

Angelf1sh · 04/08/2019 07:05

And you’re not a terrible person, you just made a mistake when you were vulnerable. Learn from that and you’ll be fine.

Walkmehome · 04/08/2019 07:08

Whatever he says, do not trust him.

LuckyLou7 · 04/08/2019 07:09

He's a predatory man, taking advantage of you. I bet he has form for moving in on new employees, making them feel special, boosting their self-esteem, then casting them aside with the 'I need to work on my marriage' line.

Don't give up on your job because of him though, just concentrate on making friends with other single people, go out and meet men who are available to you. Never be the other woman. That way lies a whole world of pain.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 04/08/2019 07:10

I don't really get why people are saying OP isn't a terrible person.....she knowingly colluded with someone to cheat on their wife......

I make mistakes all the time but I've never cheated on/with someone - there are mistakes and then there are selfish acts you now regret.....

Mokepon · 04/08/2019 07:18

The OP did an awful thing. She knows it was.
That doesn't make her a terrible person. It makes her human and fallible just like us all. There are circumstances which can make us behave out of character and no one is to say they would never put themselves in a certain situation.
Castigating someone is not really very helpful.

thelonggame · 04/08/2019 07:24

I don't really get why people are saying OP isn't a terrible person.....she knowingly colluded with someone to cheat on their wife......

we are saying OP isn't a terrible person because she isn't. Simple.
Why the need to beat someone when they are down?

Pipandmum · 04/08/2019 07:24

Move in from this error in judgement but why give up your job? If you’re homesick give your family a call but you need to follow this work and life opportunity through. Do not going running home to mother the moment something doesn’t work out.

SunshineCake · 04/08/2019 07:36

What you do is you stop spouting shite about integrity as you have none and stop getting hot and heavy with married men. And you grow up.

AloneLonelyLoner · 04/08/2019 07:45

Can people stop being hateful asses.OP sounds like a young woman who has been on the receiving end of a predatory married man. I've been there. It's shitty.

By posting about it she knows that nothing good comes of this.

OP you are NOT a terrible person. You are a lonely, homesick person who has come in the sights of a man who needs excitement. I really wouldn't leave/throw away your job, but concentrate on spending time with your other colleagues. Where are you based? Are there clubs you could go to , like sports or running clubs? Language groups (if you're not a fluent speaker of the local lingo). It'll be ok. But the excitement is addictive so you need to avoid this man at all costs.

Good luck!

TheStuffedPenguin · 04/08/2019 07:46

Totally agree !

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 04/08/2019 07:46

we are saying OP isn't a terrible person because she isn't. Simple.
Why the need to beat someone when they are down?

I don't see how pandering does any good either? OP hasn't said anywhere that she bitterly regrets what happened and wishes it hadn't? And is sorry for his wife and child?

OP needs to own the part she has played - by her own admission she was "smitten" and just seems to be deflecting blame on the man by saying he pursued her "relentlessly" - she could and should have said no

OP wanted advice - meet with him tell him it was a terrible mistake and she wants nothing more to do with him given his personal circumstances. And then avoid him for the rest of the secondment - if he continues to contact her tell him she will contact his wife

omione · 04/08/2019 07:48

OP would you be happy to tell your Mum that you are having an affair ? Thought not, dont lower yourself anymore than you have done. You know that you are in the wrong

MashedSpud · 04/08/2019 07:56

Keep his # deleted. He sounds like a filthy pig who likes the novelty of you being from abroad and new to work. He probably tries it with all the new girls while lying about his home life.

Some men are despicable.

Oilyskinproblems · 04/08/2019 07:57

OP it’s not you he wants. It’s an affair. If it wasn’t you he would try it on with someone else at some point. At this point it’s just an attraction and someone you get on well with are you really willing to do that to another woman and her child for something so shallow? If so I think you should really have a think about what kind of person you are.

Also if you plan to have a family one day (it won’t be with this man) think about how your future self will feel about your actions. No good will come of this.

Skittlenommer · 04/08/2019 07:58

His poor wife!! Let’s hope if you ever get married your husband doesn’t ‘kiss and more’ with another woman.

avalanching · 04/08/2019 08:00

Don't go home. Don't let your career be defined by this one bad decision, by a man, hold your head up high, tell him to back off and you crack on.

whirlwinds · 04/08/2019 08:01

You know who you are and what you want to be, kudos for being this wise! Your mother may be ill but she is clear it seems that she wants you to take this opportunity and, ignoring this episode with this man, you seem to be happy overall with you new situation and the new people you are meeting. Just focus on this and make the most of what is here, this man is not important in your life as he is not your friend and has put you in a situation you shouldn't be in. Get a hobby that gives you something to focus on outside of work, maybe join a art class, yoga, charity aso and make more new friends like this. You have learned your lesson though it seems! Word of advice: IF a man in a relationship makes their interest clear challenge them on this. Depending on the situation and whatnot, tell them to either stay with their partner and work it out or be a responsible man and end things if the relationship is doomed. Same goes for women. But you are not interested in any of this as this is something he needs to figure out on his own.

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