Married man...what do I do?

[Redorblues]

Hi all,

I am a long time lurker, first time poster.

I'm trying to figure out exactly what to do about this situation, I could really do with some support.

I have recently moved to a new country on my own for a job secondment, and have been lucky to meet some really great people who I get on with so well. One of these people is man with whom I share so much in common, we have become good friends. There was a natural attraction there, but I put it to the back of my mind and put energy into forging other friendships and going on dates. He is married, with a child. However he contacts me constantly, we talk about everything. We both have similar childhood experiences and have been through a lot of therapy etc. We are both in our 30s. He and his wife separated last year, but are trying to give things a go now.

Well, there was a few of us out last week and the two of us ended up the only ones left. He confessed a huge infatuation with me, and pursued me relentlessly that night. I too am completely smitten. We had had a few drinks, and we ended up kissing and more. I feel so all over the place. No good can come of this. He has said he has been processing, and wants to meet and chat this week. We dont work together, just in the same building. I have the option of working away from the workplace a lot more often, but I don't want to isolate myself from my lovely colleagues and in a foreign country.

I have never been in this position before. I am trying to see him in a bad light and put everything in perspective. I'm hoping he wants to put it it behind us like I do, and that's why he wants to chat.

I know this is all so shitty, I didn't ever want to be someone's dirty little secret. I try to live with integrity, and this is tearing me up inside. I feel so awful and sad and lonely.

Please help me think straight, and try to be kind.

In my early 20’s I moved to London alone. Now I am and always was very morally upstanding and would NEVER touch a man with a family as I believe ‘what goes around comes around’ and ‘how can we expect men to respect us if women can’t respect each other’!

However, I was also above averagely attractive and got SO much attention from ‘professional’ men who would go out of their way to pursue me/ even hiding that they were married with kids...etc.

But even those who were open about being married were so full on It made me incredibly uncomfortable and it’s very hard when you’re alone, unsure about your surroundings and someone is showing such a ‘genuine’ interest in you it’s hard!

Now I never acted on anything but honestly what I faced was borderline harassment!

She’s not a young girl! That’s just silly. I’m also in my 30s I know not to get involved with married men even if I’m the one being “pursued” because - heaven forbid - it is possible to say no to a man.

Sounds like the OP knows it’s wrong and absolutely should listen to the advise here. Some of it is quite abrupt and rude but it might stop her making a terrible mistake (or making the mistake she’s already made worse).

Advice

Sorry but if it were my DH hounding a young girl alone in a strange country - I wouldn’t be blaming her for it!

Well said, @gonewiththepotter

You're not a terrible person. You're just finding your feet in a new country. I've done that a few times, it's hard. No it wasn't a great thing to do, kissing a married man, but learn from it. Keep his number deleted and blocked, spend more time with your other friends. Tell him it was a huge mistake and you're disgusted by what you both did to his wife. If you do all go out again make very sure you don't stay until last or leave when he does. You can move past this. No need to go home unless your mum is badly sick.

@gonewiththepotter
Except he wasn't hounding her was he....she admitted being smitten and attracted to him - doesn't sound like he had to "hound" her much before she dropped her pants?

Also she's not a "girl" she's an adult - don't play grown up games by flirting with married men if she's that young - and she's old enough to be sexually aware and to know better

He is idolising you and your joint potential relationship. He hasn't factored in any of the sh1tty stuff that comes with a 'relationship' born in such circumstances and is most certainly not thing of his child or his 'estranged' spouse. He has conveniently compartmentalised his life and is relentlessly pursuing you.
He needs you to tell him that you won't be pursuing a romantic relationship with him, that whilst on this secondment you will be going on dates and other outings and will be meeting other people. You will be moving forward, enjoying your secondment, living your life with integrity.
Job done!

The tone of this thread is refreshing. I do not enjoy the bitter savaging of OW on Mumsnet. It just seems so pointless. You cannot control others through the use of shame and anyway, out of my large circle of female friends, if you count out of all of us who have ever been emotionally or physically unfaithful to a partner, or entertained a physical or emotional relationship with someone otherwise attached in their lifetime, it is the vast majority of us at some point. Are we all terrible people with no morals? Of course we aren't. We're just ordinary women: mothers, workers, daughters, wives, mostly good, occasionally not. Like everyone else.

This sort of thing is really really common. It can happen to anyone. Good people can sometimes behave badly. I don't think the kind of mistake the OP has made, feels guilty about, and wishes to put right makes her a worse person than someone who feels entitled to be holier than thou, moralistic, and judgemental about it.

Anyway. For the OP, here is my story. I hope it helps you to make the decision that is in your best interests. Just over year ago I was approached by a married man I was very attracted to. I have been single for over a decade and I do not know his wife or family. I am not a saint and I was tempted. But ultimately I could not do it. Because I also wish to live a life of integrity. I didn't want to feel guilty. I didn't want to deal with any hideous fall out that could occur as a result of people finding out. I didn't want to be judged by others. I didn't want to be gossiped about. So I said no. No to an affair, no to contact, no to meeting up to "talk."

I did everything Mumsnet tells women to do when they want to get over someone. I got new hobbies, I made sure to keep busy and see my friends, I got new projects on the go, I tried to focus on my self esteem. None of it worked really and I pined for a year. I actually got really depressed. Because although I can see his behaviour is not good, I can't seem to help the way I feel about him. I worry that in my mid forties such a connection may not come my way again, and I don't want to be on my own forever. But I have stuck it out.

I recently saw him again socially (first time in over a year.) He made a beeline for me all evening. I could see in his body language, facial expressions, that the feelings were still there. They are for me too. But I'm still not going to have an affair.

Here's my point. However hard it has been, I know I will never regret not having an affair. I will stop wanting him one day and I will have no regrets and shame to recover from. If I had the affair, I would almost certainly one day come to regret it. I would judge myself far more harshly than I would judge anyone else and it would make me miserable.

So for you I say - don't do it. Don't do it for you. Because being able to look yourself in the eye and feel good is more important. And you're still really young! There are many more exciting connections to come for you. Ones that will bring you happiness. This guy will only bring pain.

Perhaps infidelity would be less common if we judged more

Oh dear good luck with that.

I’m definitely not perfect but I’ve never gotten off with another woman’s husband!! That makes OP a bad person in my book! There is absolutely no excuse for it and could have been avoided if she’d exercised an ounce of self-control!*

It doesn't make her a bad person, it makes her a person that has made a bad mistake.

It is slightly different when a person is officially separated to if they are in a stable marriage. Yes they are trying to give things a go but he's obviously spun OP all sorts of lines and when you have strong feelings and are vulnerable sometimes people rationalize in ways they shouldn't, and wish they hadn't after. Frankly, the fact that OP is feeling so much guilt shows that she is NOT a bad person.

Your post makes clear you are a very judgmental person though.

Itwasalovelydream - we do judge more. OW and Om on here are very judged. But none of us are perfect. How many of us have had a holiday fling not really knowing the status of the other person. We read it about it on here all the time. I think anyone who has an affair is lacking morals but the OP has said she has blocked him. In the grand scheme of things she kissed him and a little bit more. Not good but certainly doesn’t mean she needs to join a monastery for the rest of her life. He is the dick he is the one married. However we are all responsible for our behaviours including the non married people in affairs.

if you count out of all of us who have ever been emotionally or physically unfaithful to a partner, or entertained a physical or emotional relationship with someone otherwise attached in their lifetime, it is the vast majority of us at some point.

Of course many of us have been there - that's why I said earlier that it's not big, it's not clever and anyone can do it!
I've had my fair share of crushes on married men. I never let on and was completely floored when one of them tried to kiss me.

I could quite easily have responded and taken it further (and a couple of my friends thought I was mad not to!) But I didn't. I made sure I had no unnecessary contact with him, never flirted and, when it was eventually possible, I cut him off amd haven't seen him for 2 years now.

I have a ridiculous crush on a friend's husband currently. But there is absolutely no way I would ever do anything!
That's what integrity is.

Not acting on it and regretting it afterwards.

Feelings are unavoidable. Behaviour is a choice.

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted

Untrue, she actually said she needed to figure out how she became a terrible person. RTFT.

And yes to other PP, people who do bad things and have no remorse and go on and on doing the same without caring about the effect on others are definitely much more qualifiable as "bad people" than people who do one bad thing and feel horrific and never do it again, obviously.

Your post makes clear you are a very judgmental person though.

Perhaps infidelity would be less common if we judged more

Yep.

Yeah, because everyone thinks infidelity is great @origamiunicorn 🙄

@motherofcats81 I have RTFT she only replied with that once she had a few comments condemning her behaviour- her original post doesn't come across as remorseful and guilt ridden to me rather it blames him and takes no ownership in the part she played in acting on her feelings

Firstly, you owe it to his wife to tell her. Secondly, you need to get some more therapy - clearly self esteem isn’t s quite low.

Christ almighty it isn't the job of society to crush women who step out of line in order to protect the sanctity of marriage. Its up to married people themselves. Some posters here sound like absolute nasty bastards who revel in having a slut to heap their judgement on.

She's single, he's married. Only one of them made vows etc and it was only a snog anyway.

The double moral standard rumbles on, fuelled by women themselves. How utterly depressing.

Yeah, because everyone thinks infidelity is great @origamiunicorn 🙄

No, not great, but just a mistake or finding your way in a foreign country by the replies on here.

I didn't ever want to be someone's dirty little secret

Yet that’s what you became, based on his actions in one night.

Go home. This man will ruin your self-esteem, and your actions could ruin your career. Be with your mom.

Don't be a cunt op.

There's a reason that criminal law charges "accessory to", "accessory after the fact", "aiding and abetting" etc etc - because civilised society recognises that it isn't just the "doer" who does harm upon a victim, it is all parties who assist that doer, who helped facilitate their crime.

So it is with infidelity. Yes, the married party is the primary "doer", but so does the affair partner aid and assist in that betrayal. That warrants - at a bare minimum - robust public judgement.

itwasalovelydream Perhaps it would be less common if we shaved the heads of women who conducted extra marital affairs and paraded them through the streets naked. Perhaps it would be less common if we stoned adulterers to death.

Except probably not. Because throughout the ages, throughout the globe, rates of infidelity remain fairly constant. People do it. They will always do it. Monogamy is not a natural state of being for humans - even the most ruthless social and legal enforcement doesn't work. The pull that accompanies new and exciting feelings of lust and love are extremely difficult to resist. Humans can be selfish and imperfect and wired for short term gratification.

Just walk away.
Time to focus on you.
I hope your mom feels better soon x