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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't love my husband

129 replies

pictureframar · 01/08/2019 09:53

We've been together since we were teens, now both mid 40s. I have realised I just don't love him. I don't mean I don't feel the same as I used to, that stopped many years ago. I mean I don't even feel that companionable friendship, nor do I want to grow old with him.

I am irritable and often feel cross with him just being around him. This is not what he deserves at all. He's a nice man.

But, we have 3 dc between 4-12 years, and a huge mortgage in an expensive area. If we split, we'd have to sell the house I guess, and probably leave the immediate area. Is this just life? Do I just need to get on with it for the sake of my dc? It's not intolerable but I am miserable. My dcs have a happy life and it would be (as far as I can imagine) really hard to move, share rooms, joint custody etc. I can't see a way to unravel our 2 lives without it ruining what my dcs currently know of their lives.

Please help if you can. I am in pieces about this, I can't seem to stop thinking about it, I can't see a way forward.

OP posts:
NewMe2019 · 01/08/2019 09:57

I was in similar circumstances. I couldn't take it in the end and left him. I was miserable and constantly annoyed by him which wasn't fair. I was worried about DCs but ultimately I didn't want the housemate relationship we had to be their norm.

Imaysnapandfart · 01/08/2019 10:06

OP I have been in a similar situation, and have had a similar crisis of faith, and felt stuck. Ultimately, I left, and it was the best decision I could have made.

It is really difficult, and it won't happen overnight. Finances etc will be tough, and it will be difficult for your children at first - BUT children are resilient, and your younger ones especially are likely to bounce back and adapt.

Could you separate for a time and see if that makes any difference?
Have you tried counselling?
Have you spoken to your husband about how you feel?

crankyassnoperope · 01/08/2019 10:11

Have you talked to him about it? I think that would be a good start; it may be that you can come to some arrangement together that allows you to maintain as much of your current lifestyle as possible whilst starting on the path to the freedom you need.

Worst case scenario is he's absolutely not happy about it, and you end up splitting and having to make those life adjustments you're avoiding anyway. But if he's that upset about it then it was even more the right thing to do because as you say he deserves to make choices about his own life, and you wouldn't want to keep vital information from him just because you don't want life to change (I'm not saying that's what you're doing, I'm just saying at this point we don't know whether or not he considers this information really critical to how he lives his life from here).

I think a kind, patient discussion with him, appreciating that this may be really shocking to him, would be a good place to start. Stressing how all you want is for you both to be able to make informed decisions about your lives and achieving the best possible outcome for both of you, given that the "husband and wife who love each other" outcome is not a possibility at all for you any more. And acknowledging that it will take time for you both to work out what that outcome should be and how to get there.

flappi · 01/08/2019 10:12

I think you are being a bit hasty . Marriage has ups and downs . He hasn’t done anything wrong . So many people I know who thought grass was greener somewhere else then regret what they’ve done ... namely two cousins ,left perfectly stable marriages with children for no good reason . then they go into their 50s,60s trying to meet someone else and seem almost desperate.

And very very lonely .

I’m not saying you should’ve leave your husband , I think when children are involved you need to think long and hard about what you think you will achieve from this and whether your marriage issues are repairable and addressable .

I’ve seen too many people regret ending a marriage with children in this way .

Original poster
pictureframar · 01/08/2019 12:13

Thank you so much to all of you for your considered replies. It really isn't hasty but over the last maybe 5 years, I've managed to stuff the feelings back into their box successfully, and just keep going. I suddenly feel, for some reason, like I can't or don't want to do that anymore.

I genuinely feel he deserves better too, he deserves to be informed, as Cranky said. I am not interested in meeting anyone else, I dream of my own house, with no man in it! I don't imagine anyone leaves a marriage for "no good reason" but maybe for no obvious reason. People are good at pretending for a long time.

Those of you that have done it, can you talk to me about the logistics, the practicalities, regarding housing? That's the big one that is stopping me acting. I can't bear to cause too much upheaval to the dcs.

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 01/08/2019 12:29

Have you actually worked on anything together or had any counselling? Does he have any idea about this at all? It sounds like you've just been repressing feelings to the point that you feel that you can't do anything but leave. That is such a shame and it will likely devastate him if that is the case.

Pinkbonbon · 01/08/2019 12:36

You only get one shot at life so...

If it were me, I think I would regret staying with him and being miserable more than leaving him. Sure it'll be an upheaval and hard for a time but hopefully that with be as regrettable as wasting your life in a marriage you don't want anymore.

Roussette · 01/08/2019 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
pictureframar · 01/08/2019 13:18

I'm taking all the advice on board. I definitely won't do anything hasty, yes I think he'll be devastated and possibly angry.

I feel like we have had so many rough patches, it's often more unhappy than it is happy. We talk, it's better for a while, then it's awful again. He persuades me it'll be better, but it doesn't last. We are no longer compatible I don't think.

I never thought I'd be without him so I'm still getting my thoughts around the very idea of it. I'm so worried about doing the wrong thing either way. I've never had to make such a big decision. I'm just conduit very hard to pull myself back from it this time.

OP posts:
Original poster
pictureframar · 01/08/2019 13:19

Only get one shot at life is exactly what a good friend said to me, that's what's so scary!

OP posts:
Original poster
pictureframar · 01/08/2019 13:28

Also, I love him platonically like a family member, and I feel I am making him unhappy and anxious, because I am often so irritable and sometimes contemptuous towards him, despite trying hard to be 'nice' and more tolerant.

I'm not saying he's perfect, he's far from it. But there are times when he's done nothing wrong and I still feel so annoyed by him. That's very unhealthy for us both, because I'm usually a very nice person and I feel guilty immediately afterwards.

OP posts:
Roussette · 01/08/2019 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
pictureframar · 01/08/2019 14:28

But how long, and how do you know it'll change?! What if I wait 10 years for example, and I find I feel the same, and I've wasted 10 more years (of both our lives)?! I wish I'd not started to consider the option of separation as I can't seem to easily come back from it. I am definitely thinking about what you're saying, I'm not dismissing it at all

OP posts:
Tanyaaah · 01/08/2019 14:37

I think I feel the same as you OP. Not sure what to do either.

Tanyaaah · 01/08/2019 14:38

If he had an affair I would not mind! It would make it easier!

Original poster
pictureframar · 01/08/2019 14:42

God I wish he would do something like that! Then I wouldn't have to bear the responsibility of the decision

OP posts:
Roussette · 01/08/2019 14:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Roussette · 01/08/2019 14:45

*mine
Not mind

Roussette · 01/08/2019 14:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sofato5miles · 01/08/2019 14:50

I left and glad I did.

I thought long and hard. No way was I giving up anymore of my life to an unhappy marriage

Original poster
pictureframar · 01/08/2019 14:57

Then I appreciate your words Rousette, thank you. I can absolutely see how that worked, and I'm really happy for you. I'm not sure I can bear to risk wasting any more of my and his life though, in the hope it might feel better. 10 years Confused

But I am terrified the dcs will blame me/hate me. I am terrified about where I'll/we'll live. I'd like life to stay exactly the same, minus my DH, but I know that isn't possible.

OP posts:
VictoriaBun · 01/08/2019 14:58

Many years ago I spent the summer evenings ( once my children where in bed) contemplating my life. Like you my husband wasn't a particularly bad man, but I just didn't love him. My eldest was almost grown up and my younger one a few years younger . I realised once they had left home it would be just me and him and that was a thought that left me in terror.
I left but whilst my eldest was happy to do the same my younger one decided to stay. Tbh it broke me , and I don't know how I didn't have a complete breakdown.

Roussette · 01/08/2019 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

desperatesux · 01/08/2019 15:11

I used to feel this way, we had got into an awful cycle of just not being particularly nice to each other, i really thought I didn't love him and used to dream of being on my own for some peace. We too had the infrequent conversations of trying to make things better but it was probably half hearted on both sides and didn't offer any real change or improvement. It all came to a head when he has his head turned. Nothing happened and he would deny it but I suddenly realized what I had to lose and it not being on my own terms focused the mind. We both really made changes and a year on I can honestly say I do love him and for the most part we are very happy. This after about 10 years of not really being but fairly happily co existing. I think you should go to counselling, together and separately, date nights etc whatever it takes. Give it a real proper shot and give him the opportunity to actually make changes and go from there. If you still feel the way you do in say 6 months after really trying and being honest then by all means go, life is as they say is too short. But with kids and your situation with the house/finances etc I think it is worth trying at least. You may regret it if you don't

Original poster
pictureframar · 01/08/2019 15:11

Thank you Thanks

It's the children that make it so difficult. How much should we sacrifice for them? And is it a happy life anyway, with our marriage as it is? I don't think it is ☹️

OP posts:
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