I don't love my husband

[pictureframar]

We've been together since we were teens, now both mid 40s. I have realised I just don't love him. I don't mean I don't feel the same as I used to, that stopped many years ago. I mean I don't even feel that companionable friendship, nor do I want to grow old with him.

I am irritable and often feel cross with him just being around him. This is not what he deserves at all. He's a nice man.

But, we have 3 dc between 4-12 years, and a huge mortgage in an expensive area. If we split, we'd have to sell the house I guess, and probably leave the immediate area. Is this just life? Do I just need to get on with it for the sake of my dc? It's not intolerable but I am miserable. My dcs have a happy life and it would be (as far as I can imagine) really hard to move, share rooms, joint custody etc. I can't see a way to unravel our 2 lives without it ruining what my dcs currently know of their lives.

Please help if you can. I am in pieces about this, I can't seem to stop thinking about it, I can't see a way forward.

I was in a similar relationship we were together 15 yrs. We had nothing in common, nothing to talk about. I was the 'driver' in the marriage he just sat back and had no say. My kids were 8 and 15 at the time. It was very hard as I still loved him but couldn't see where the relationship was going, we had no goals and he shot down all my ideas to improve life. Long story short, he created a huge shit storm to the point I nearly had a breakdown. I've lost contact with all his family and our friends. But you know what?? I'm so much happier!! I've a new career, my kids are happy, I own my own house and I have a great partner. Whilst my exH..guess what hes doing?? He got with a younger girl and they've had a baby and they are doing all the mundane stuff I used to do...!!! So I know I'm not missing out on anything. Hope that helps you.

I don't think staying for children is a good thing. They aren't daft, they pick up on things and I've seen it on here where the split happened once they were adults and they felt their childhood was a lie.

I used to wish mine would have an affair too. In fact I found messages between him amd woman at work, nothing bad but very over familiar with a flirty tone to them. I confronted him, he deleted the texts before handing his phone to me so I could never prove anything and that was that. I limped on for another 2.5 years then decided I'd had enough. I always had that niggle of doubt too and it was no way to live. I'm so much happier now and just felt relieved when I told him it was over.

Op, are you sure it isn't just your discontent with life + hormonal changes? It is very, very common to have irritability as a sign of menopause. Have you seen the posts on menopause boards.

I don't advocate separating where there is no abuse as it does impact your DC. You will both be poorer and you will have to get used to separate holidays & Christmas.

If you were single what would you do differently? Would you go on holiday solo?? If so what is stopping you doing that now? Do you enjoy your job? What are you passionate about?
Happiness is an inside job and often related to our thoughts and behaviours not circumstances.

Get yourself some counselling, it was through counselling that I realised Ex was very abusive, not saying that is the case for you but it will help to clarify what is going on.

OP people have mentioned counselling and you've not replied to any of those. Why is that? Are you unwilling to try marriage counselling? I do think your children will resent you - and possibly you resent yourself, if you just give up without even trying. You fell in love with him, enough to marry him. You just need to attempt to recapture those feelings. It may not work, but at least you will be satisfied in yourself that you actually both tried everything.

Hi OP, im in exactly the same position

I’m in a similar position. We don’t fight much at all really. I hanker after a great love but I’m not sure if our relationship is what it would be like. I’m not sure I want to grow old with him and I’m not entirely sure I should have married him. But it’s not bad. We get along well enough and we have kids (two have disabilities and I’m their carer).

The answer is I don’t know. Would you be okay if it was just you and the kids? Is the grass greener? Is there anyway you could inject some fun into the relationship or have you checked out?

I could have written this 7 months ago. I fell out of love with my husband of 22 years a good while ago and stayed for my Son. He is now 15 and we are moving out of our (lovely) family home to a much smaller one but I could not be happier.
I was constantly irritated with his very presence, I did not make happy as I wasn't demonstrative enough and would not jump up and greet him like a dog would when he came home from work.
We never had sex, I did not want him to touch me at all. So after a massive argument in December 2018, he said that's it we are done in a text and the relief I felt was enormous. So I said Yes, brilliant and lets separate first to see how we go. He then changed his mind and has been 'heartbroken' ever since. I have however been floating about on a cloud of happiness.
We argued constantly and the house had a horrible atmosphere. I cannot wait to get away with my son and start fresh. There is no one else on the horizon (never has been, I am a faithful girl!) but I cannot wait to live a happer single life. So my advice is go for it!!!

I am further down the line in a similar position. I realised a few years ago I think. And I started trying to address it on my own. Realising that wssnt making a difference I raised it with him over 12 months ago. We have been "trying to improve" since last may.

The difference with us is that I do enjoy his company and find him a good companion. I just don't love him like he loves me and feel that's unfair which is part of what I've been wrangling with. And the guilt I feel at how he would be devastated is a huge load to carry. I felt I was going round and round in circles in my mind.

This week due to DC's staying at grandparents for school holidays I told DH I wanted a week alone and have moved out for a week. The heavy feeling has lifted, I feel light and free and I have been able to get some perspective over our relationship with the distance.

I also had those gut feelings about not wanting to move from our home, fearing sorting the finances etc. The distance and not being in our home for a week has really made me realise that actually, whilst i love my home, it is just bricks and mortar and I could be happy somewhere else.

I don't know if getting some distance in this way is achievable for you but it has really helped me.

I am still undecided as to how to move forward. But I have also realised that if needed, be it now or six months from now, I can do it.

Set yourself timescales. Last year, knowing I was unhappy and looking forward I thought "it would be ridiculous to carry on if I'm still this unhappy in a year". I've made a few diary notes along the way so I know how I felt and can gauge if I feel better about things. Or worse. That's also helped as I feel I need fo justify to myself so I have tangible "evidence" to look back on.

It's a process that some people will find quicker than others. If you're not ready to make a quick decision maybe these things I've done may help you. Good luck on your journey.

So many of us in the same boat.

I did end it a few weeks ago but crumbled when he was telling me his mental health is bad and he can’t live without me. I want so badly for it just to me and the kids.

Hi pictureframar I am in a similar position. I asked DH to go to counselling 10 years ago and he refused. I've asked him many times but he refused. He's been cruel at times and very unsupportive but I hung in for the kids. Something snapped in December and I told him I was done. He agreed to counselling but it changed nothing for me. He begged for a chance and I agreed to give it six months but although he's been the model husband I feel nothing and am starting to feel really irritated. He's still pushing for sex and I'm just not interested. I've made it really clear and we're in separate beds but he refuses to leave and won't let me buy him out. So it's really awkward, lots of tension and I'm looking out for somewhere to move to. Sending big hugs as it's so difficult but I think I've reached the point of no return and just want it sorted now :(

Hi. I'm always on my phone so can't remember names but I've read all your thoughts and experiences with great interest.

With regards counselling, I really don't think it will help. There are things which make us fundamentally incompatible (now) that cannot change. Our dynamic is no longer right for me, and we're both fighting it at times. I have a lot of insight, coupled with a few close friends who I can be really honest with. I also don't (easily) have the money for it, when I don't think it'll change how we work.

I feel so excited about the thought of being on my own. I do think I've checked out, it's like I've already jumped but just not told him yet. I won't do any though until I'm clearer on the practicalities with regards to housing and the children. I know he'll want 50/50 custody too, I need to think long and hard about that 😥

I am sorry there are so many people who have felt or do feel like this.

It's horrible isn't it, hugs all round to those going through it. I've just started some individual counselling through work to help with the guilt and anxiety but I definitely know my marriage is over. Is there anything available for you via work? X

Hi sorry I abandoned this thread. We've been away and the internet was terrible. As was the holiday

This is really helpful to me so I'd like to keep it going, especially as there are so many others in the same boat.

Regarding counselling, I'm not sure it would help. The issues we have are fundamentally unalterable (they're not just behavioural for example), and I feel the compromises I have to make are becoming too much. However, I'm really wobbling between excitement at a new future that I never imagined possible, and terror that I have no idea how it might look.

My youngest is still so little, it's unbearable to think I won't be with him every Christmas/weekend/whatever. I'm
All over the place.

I'll post this in separation too but while I'm here - has anyone got any experience of 'bird nesting' (I think it's called)? Where the kids stay in the home and parents take turns living there.

It just sounds like you have outgrown the relationship and aren’t right for each other any more.
5 years is a long time to be contemplating leaving.

Yes the DCs will experience some upheaval but I think it’s more important that parents are happy, rather than being stuck in a miserable marriage. Would you want your DCs to stay in an unhappy marriage? I doubt it.

Just because there is no abuse or cheating, and your partner is a decent person, it does not mean you have to stay. There is so much more to a healthy relationship than that. You get one life, why waste it.

I do agree about only having 1 life, it's what I keep thinking about.

We talked last night, about everything. It was the most honest discussion we've had, because for the first time I felt I had nothing to lose - what was the worst that could happen?! I was already prepared to split up. He was shocked and absolutely terrified.

He's agreed to go to counselling and we're not going to do anything for now. I asked for a trial separation but unfortunately he wasn't very cooperative and it sort of fizzled away, but that will be next if I don't feel better soon.

I feel like I'm stalling though. I don't believe I'll be happy with him long term, but we'll see. At least I'll know we've tried. I'm going to speak to CAB in the mean time, get some advice about how things might look if we do split up (which probably says a lot about how optimistic I feel...!)

Hi, similar circumstances here. After a week apart he realised at last how bad things were. We agreed to give things six months and I made it very clear that if I was in anh doubt we would split. Ultimately, as I said to him, they won't thank us for wasting another five or ten years of their lives to then leave. And theres only so long you can carry on for. In the meantime, he is like a changed man. It's only been a week and I don't know if it will last but if it does I could see my feelings might change. I too am not particularly optimistic either but I'm trying to push the negative attitude to the back of my mind as I think that has hindered me too.

I wish you luck on your journey xx

Hi. Maybe nothing in your relationship needs to change but perhaps you are depressed? Have you seen a doctor about how irritable you feel?

If he isn't actually doing anything to make you unhappy other than just being him and like you say, you snap for no reason, maybe you have an unhappiness inside you?

I would explore that before ending a marriage. You aren't in a rush to meet anyone and you're still quite young so taking 6 months or a year to figure out, with the help of counselling and mediation (if needed) might make you see if you are actually unhappy within yourself or you are unhappy with him

Same here needsomebottle , I agree. It's just going to be so disruptive, I can't even imagine how it will look. If he can maintain what he's doing now, and actually change a bit, maybe I'll start to feel it's not bad enough to go through with it all.

I'm definitely not depressed, I'm actually very content with all other aspects of my life, and relationships.

If it was me I would try marriage counselling first. Mainly to be sure I’d given it every possible chance. But also to help end things as amicably as possible, and to give him s chance to catch up too.

I don't suppose anyone is still around? I've just come back to this. We're still carrying on, he's been really 'good', trying hard, making the effort to make sure I'm happy etc. It's fine. It should be enough, except I feel so dissatisfied. I feel like I'm waiting for my life to start. He's out tonight and it's blissful just being me and the kids. I've made a GP appointment to try to get referred for individual counselling.
I have concluded some of it comes down to sex, and the complete lack of attraction I feel towards him. He still fancies me and wants a normal sex life. I want lots of sex but I don't fancy him, and can't see that I will again. That makes me sad, and it's sad for him. As a result, we rarely have sex and are both miserable about it. He's a bit baffled, but probably knows why really.

Often the initial attraction felt at the start of the marriage just naturally wears off over time, even when neither person does anything particularly wrong. Men often barely notice, but in women it frequently produces serious discomfort and unease. There is no reliable way to get some of that attraction back, but if you search online and get counselling you will find useful advice.

Hi OP - I'm in the same position except I have no children with him. Been together since I was 26 (he was 39) - I'm 40 now and feel like I've been living someone's else's life for 14 years! I am the main breadwinner but I am absolutely at a loss as what to do. Feel like I'm so stuck as we have a house together (I pay the mortgage, utilities, council tax etc) but I just don't love him. I don't want to be intimate with him and am often snappy and impatient which is shit, but he literally likes nothing I like. Worse, I have met someone fantastic so am doubly stumped. Wish I could wind the clock back but that's impossible!

I did it last Autumn. Neither of us had done anything awful but I no longer wanted to live with him (and hadn’t for years).

He was sad but didn’t ask me to reconsider. I think he realised he didn’t really want to be married to me either. I felt guilty and also really sad that something I’d once wanted and treasured had ended up going so badly wrong.

We agreed to sell the house, we split the equity 50:50. I bought a smaller house, he chose to rent for a bit.

We divorced (on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour- he and I agreed on what would be written!)

We agreed on a sensible share of our DDs time.

She was very sad for a while, confused and wanted us to get back together. Maybe 6 weeks where it was very obvious, lots of tears. Ex and I remained consistent- we loved her and were still friends but didn’t want to live together anymore.

After about 5 months DD and I moved into our new place and ex was in his flat and life settled down. DD claims to be totally fine without now. She certainly seems a lot happier than when I was married. I am hugely happier!

OP I left my H 5 months ago and I’m living with my parents.

I’m so much happier. I don’t miss a single thing about him.

My young DC seem to be adapting. They spent their first night with STBXH last night which I was dreading but actually it was ok. I had a bath, watched a film, ate dinner & then slept until after 7am! I need to get used to being without them when they go there but it’s worth it for my freedom!

Best of luck to you x