Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't love my husband

129 replies

pictureframar · 01/08/2019 09:53

We've been together since we were teens, now both mid 40s. I have realised I just don't love him. I don't mean I don't feel the same as I used to, that stopped many years ago. I mean I don't even feel that companionable friendship, nor do I want to grow old with him.

I am irritable and often feel cross with him just being around him. This is not what he deserves at all. He's a nice man.

But, we have 3 dc between 4-12 years, and a huge mortgage in an expensive area. If we split, we'd have to sell the house I guess, and probably leave the immediate area. Is this just life? Do I just need to get on with it for the sake of my dc? It's not intolerable but I am miserable. My dcs have a happy life and it would be (as far as I can imagine) really hard to move, share rooms, joint custody etc. I can't see a way to unravel our 2 lives without it ruining what my dcs currently know of their lives.

Please help if you can. I am in pieces about this, I can't seem to stop thinking about it, I can't see a way forward.

OP posts:
Original poster
pictureframar · 09/09/2019 22:22

Well just to update. Not a lot happening but we're still talking a lot. He's being very reasonable and patient. We've been through our finances together, and seen how it may look if we separate, so that's progress. I'm feeling positive about the future without him, I actually don't feel like I want to come back from this, although it would obviously have been better not to have fallen out of love.
How is everyone else doing? Thank you for the responses, both really useful.

OP posts:
SchoolGateBeta · 13/09/2019 11:33

I'm in the just sorting out back to school/work stuff. We are not having sex and haven't for ages but in the same bed. The tension of being on holiday has passed as we're back to our lives. But .... the issue remains .... We're just not thinking of it currently. We plan on doing counselling (for the third time!!) when he can find time.
I do wonder if alot of my energy is being taken up by going through the motions but not experiencing or admittedly giving base level affection.
I'm aware people say work on yourself etc which makes sense but when so much invisible energy is still going on getting along and being as civil as possible then I feel a bit flat in other areas.
How's it going picturef?

Imakitchensink · 13/09/2019 14:34

Just read the whole thread and I’m in the same place.
After a thread of my own here a few weeks back we did actually have the talk and agreed to break up. He’s was devastated and I was upset but excited, says it’s all really doesn’t it?
My mum, who was more upset than me, talked me round and with our very anxious daughter starting secondary school I agreed to try until Xmas and see how we go.
And I think I regret this and we’re just prolonging the heartache.
I love him and we can get on fine but I’m not in love with him and feel we’re more like friends. I don’t want to have sex with him which he finds so hurtful and it’ll end up being a dealbreaker for him I think.
Do I suck it up for him and my kids and hope it gets better?

bonitakitlee · 13/09/2019 14:42

I did this is my first marriage, it was the biggest mistake I ever made, even though I am now happily married again, I still miss and think of my first husband with so much affection. Life gets stale and a bit boring, I thought romance and passion were everything, now I know they are just a phase of relationships.

Needsomebottle · 13/09/2019 20:03

@Imakitchensink - exactly the same. So much is ok, and if I wanted to have sex with him we would be fine. But I don't. And I can't see me ever wanting to again. But I'm trying to reconnect. Sadly though I can see that being our dealbreaker, which feels kind of selfish, but I want to be in a relationship where I want to have sex. And I'm sure he would want to be in a relationship in which the person he is with wants to have sex with him.

@bonitakitlee - out of interest did you reach the point you didn't want sex with your ex?

Sorry to hijack OP, just intrigued.

bonitakitlee · 13/09/2019 21:44

To answer the sex question, it had died off as he was never very passionate and rather shy. I was his first love, I got impatient with the lack of passion. Went on to have lots of really passionate and emotionally crap relationships, that just about destroyed my mental health and made me realise what I had lost. I was so caught up in the passion portrayed in films that I never realised that decent, kind men are rare and all the passion in the world was not enough to make up for losing a marriage to someone who adored me.

Scott72 · 13/09/2019 23:44

"I don’t want to have sex with him which he finds so hurtful and it’ll end up being a dealbreaker for him I think."

I think never having sex again for the rest of his life would be a dealbreaker. I get the impression you have zero sex drive yourself so can't quite sympathize with him on this. When someone's sex attraction for their partner dies off like this so conclusively, without a clear reason, then there's not much hope of getting it back.

Dancinghorses36 · 13/09/2019 23:56

Op, I haven't read the whole thread but this could have been me years ago, met my ex when I was 19 and three kids later and I was 32 and before I knew it we had come to an end, we were just going through the motions and keeping it happy for the girls, they were 6, 10, and 15 at the time when I decided it wasnt fair on any of us and decided to leave, the kids were obviously a bit distraught at the start but we have both made new lives and are still great friends, Im now married and the kids are extremely happy but of course its up to you and how you feel but please remember you only get one shot at life

Original poster
pictureframar · 14/09/2019 14:01

I appreciate these posts, they're all so useful to me. The sex is a big thing - I simply am not attracted to him anymore. My sec drive has rocketed (age?) and he'd be very willing but, I just don't really want him. I do love him, like an old school friend or a cousin or something. We know each other so, so well and I'd miss him dreadfully if we separated. BUT I'm not happy and I don't want the rest of my life to look like this.
I have an appointment to speak to a solicitor in 2 weeks. Depending on what I learn, I'll have a talk with him then. I think he senses I've checked out really. I just want to make sure me and the DCs will be ok (well, I know I will be, it's them).

OP posts:
fishonabicycle · 14/09/2019 14:10

Don't know if anyone has suggested this, but could you be peri menopausal? I was very very irritated with partner for a while due to this I think.

SchoolGateBeta · 14/09/2019 14:37

bonitakitlee - I'm sometimes a bit concerned by this. As I do love my dp, just more like - as pictureframer says - like a cousin or school friend.
But passion without love......
Do we have to choose?

Original poster
pictureframar · 15/09/2019 20:27

Not peri menopausal, it's been going on so long. It's much more than irritation, it's really real.
I don't think we should choose passion or love. I want both. I think relationships run their course, and that we live so long now, maybe a lifetime together is unlikely to be happy. I think many people are 'ok' and content enough, but if you start to want more and the thought won't stop, there is a decision to make.

OP posts:
KirstyHasLeft · 15/09/2019 21:08

Same here. We just had a weekend without kids - my husband trying desperately to rekindle something here. It went so well! I did try my best to be the normal, happy wife I used to be long ago, I drunk a lot and we did have a lot of sex.
We were literally about to go and pick up kids and he asked for a quickie. I really didn't want but did it in the end just to keep peace. During the process, I, for some reason, thought of the woman that I happen to have a crush on. I thought that she must hate me and think I am a creep. It made me so upset. Then my DH started asking me to do something particular and I said no. He kept going on nagging. And then I just yelled at him something along the lines - 'Can we just f*ing get on with it?' My DH got so upset and hurt. I apologised and apologised but he is not talking to me now. I am so sorry. I kept it in and tried so hard to hide the fact that I don't want him anymore. That I love someone else.

I sound like a total cow, I know. But my DH says he loves me so much and can't imagine life without me. He gets easily depressed. I love him like a dear old friend. I so don't want to hurt him. What do I do? :(

Scott72 · 16/09/2019 00:17

This is why I think marriage in its current form is deeply flawed. It needs to be somehow redesigned to be recognized as temporary. Or perhaps people need the idea of permanence to feel safe having children?

SchoolGateBeta · 16/09/2019 10:20

I met my dp in my 20s and I'm now in my 40s. And I really know myself and what I want so much better now. I know who I'm attracted to.

Over and over again, I'm attracted to a physical type, who may be emotionally similar to dp but are physically different. Was watching tv last night and was attracted to someone of this type. I wish this wasn't thus. But I accept there wouldn't be the love or the history or the family with anyone else immediately.

So for me it isn't really the years passing. I think I was tuned out of myself when younger and tuned out of my desire. It's never felt right if I'm honest but we do love each other. Obviously this is unfair on him and with no family I'd leave no question but with a family..............

monsin · 16/09/2019 10:42

Been married 18 years. Never really passionate but a nice decent kind man.
Not slept together in 2 years , he irritates me beyond belief ... outcome ? We're separating in January .. (I've said I'll wait till then due to work/family commitments) and I can't bloody wait 😁

Scott72 · 16/09/2019 10:57

Men don't have this problem as much. The male sex drive works differently. Its on average stronger and not as fussy, not as dependent on this fickle spark of emotional connection.

YellowArdvsrk · 16/09/2019 11:28

A trial separation helped me. Four months it was. I missed him more than I expected, not to mention how much the logistics killed me.

scottyboy10 · 16/09/2019 12:58

Why waste what time you have left of your life, things probably Won't get better.. it's your happiness

Needsomebottle · 16/09/2019 20:57

@Scott72 I have often thought that, not only from looking at my own relationship but from what I've gleaned from male friends and what I know of others relationships in crisis.

Needsomebottle · 16/09/2019 20:59

And @SchoolGateBeta, your last paragraph... I even said this to my DH, which felt very cruel but I felt he needed to know exactly the mountain we have to climb to get passed this.

Original poster
pictureframar · 19/09/2019 20:16

Hi everyone. So I have told him it's over and that I don't think I'm coming back from it. Then the enormity hit me that night and I was just awake wondering WTF I was doing. How can I break up my dc's home? But they'll be happier in the long term with happy parents? A happy mum at least. Besides, I can't stay with a husband I no longer love or fancy can I?

OP posts:
Needsomebottle · 20/09/2019 05:56

That's so brave, and I'm sure it's the right thing if you know for certain your feelings won't change. I wish I had your bravery. Give yourself some time to let it sink in. Be kind to yourself. It will be totally natural to have doubts about such a massive decision. But it sounds like you know it's right. Flowers for you brave lady.

Original poster
pictureframar · 20/09/2019 07:30

Thank you. I don't feel brave. I feel like I can't separate the fear/guilt/uncertainty etc. But ultimately none of that is about how I feel about HIM. One day at a time, I could yet easily back out (again!)

OP posts:
Jan664 · 20/09/2019 09:55

You are brave. I expect you will be up and down emotionally doubting yourself at times. Maybe keep a (private) diary so you can remind yourself of when you are feeling determined in the times you are not sure. Do you have family/friend support? X

Swipe left for the next trending thread