I don't love my husband

[pictureframar]

We've been together since we were teens, now both mid 40s. I have realised I just don't love him. I don't mean I don't feel the same as I used to, that stopped many years ago. I mean I don't even feel that companionable friendship, nor do I want to grow old with him.

I am irritable and often feel cross with him just being around him. This is not what he deserves at all. He's a nice man.

But, we have 3 dc between 4-12 years, and a huge mortgage in an expensive area. If we split, we'd have to sell the house I guess, and probably leave the immediate area. Is this just life? Do I just need to get on with it for the sake of my dc? It's not intolerable but I am miserable. My dcs have a happy life and it would be (as far as I can imagine) really hard to move, share rooms, joint custody etc. I can't see a way to unravel our 2 lives without it ruining what my dcs currently know of their lives.

Please help if you can. I am in pieces about this, I can't seem to stop thinking about it, I can't see a way forward.

Try and remind him you both want what is best for the kids

Clearly that isn't the case - she's only thinking of what is best for herself.

OP... no he doesn't have to support you in any way, only the children. You were a family and the decision was for you to stay at home with the kids and work part time as that was the family set up. There is no family set up now and it would be a bit wrong to ask him to support you when you've ended the marriage.

You are however entitled to at least half of the assets because as partners, even though he earned more than you, you shared roles in order to build marital assets and they are always to be shared. It doesn't matter who earned what when it comes to that unless things were ring fenced or legally binded (pre-nup).

You don't need to rush out and see a solicitor as there's nothing they can do for you at the moment. You need to talk to your husband (he suggested you do) about how you are going to arrange things e.g. sell the house, you buy him out, he buys you out, care for the kids etc. He can't make you leave so don't leave. You left the marriage, not your home and it's half yours. Keeping it amicable is key. You'll spend money for a solicitor to tell you that the house either gets sold, someone buys someone out or you battle in court for more than a fair equal split etc. Mesher orders are rare, I doubt that would be granted and you likely wouldn't afford the mortgage on your own anyway?

I would aim to sort it out yourself then use a solicitor for the paperwork. It's not been long, there's no need to go full pelt and get the house up for sale next week and start divorce proceedings. Let it sink in first. I don't think he's horrible for saying he won't support you. Like he said, you can't exit the marriage but still have him acting as your husband so to speak. In the short term for a couple of weeks maybe but I would fully prepare to pay half the mortgage and bills going forward

Have you tried ways to repair the relationship?

We've talked and talked. He'd been much nicer about it today, accepting his part in my unhappiness and actually being reasonable. I've asked that we go through our finances together, and don't make any rash decisions.
I'm so desperate to not have to do this, but I can't pretend to love him forever can I? But I have realised I can't make my dcs lose their home either. It's either my happiness or theirs, no contest I guess

Have a look on entitledto.com - you might be eligible for benefits.
I split from my ex last November. Like you, I was worried about the DC more than anything but they have adjusted very well and are much happier with two happy parents - they have told me this several times. I was shocked as I didn't know they knew I was unhappy - I thought I'd hidden it but they're very perceptive.
I wish you lots of luck.

@pictureframar finally you said what the problem was: " He was only ever nice to me when I behaved, and I always behaved as a consequence."

Before then, it didn't make sense. There are always reasons why people withdraw.

Yes he does have to support you. Sorry for him, the law doesn't care about his consequences and cake. You put your job on a back seat for him, and he has to compensate that.

What you describe follows a pattern, where the woman tries to signal the problem, the man resists listening, then the woman pulls away, the man fails to notice, then the woman announces she is going - suddenly he wants to try.

Maybe with the reasonableness things might change in your feelings (now that he knows you are serious). Good luck OP

You could try making things better counselling talking but if that's not going to help you should go it alone.
Theres no point in being in a miserable relationship. I was a single parent for 17 years , it was hard work.but we were happier without my ex and it makes you strong and independent . Sounds like your husband would still be involved with the kids.

Gosh thanks for those supportive replies. I'm absolutely going to try, to keep an open mind and see if my feelings can change. But I'm also going to get all my ducks in a row, check out what position I'd be in financially etc. and be prepared to go the final step. I've come this far, talked this much, I'm not going to just limp back to the start now.
So much of my life I don't know anything about! I've let him manage most things, I've run the kids/home, stupid, naive woman!

Good luck pictureframar, what ever happens i hope that you find happiness and have a good future

Seems we are on a very similar journey. Best of luck and keep us posted. Xx

How's it going Picture?
I spent the summer quite determined to start thinking about what I wanted from life - intimacy, sex, romance etc Or just more realistically not living a lie.

But with the backtoschool/work thing. I just feel sucked back into it. This is my life, whether I like it or not. My dp is a nice human. Everyone knows us as a couple - for years. We both get to wake up with family. He just doen't prioritise me or us. But why cause upset? Especially as I work p/t and like you don't have the finances. The summer thinking is slipping away.....

SchoolGate that is exactly how I Feel, but I don't know that I can just accept it. Is it just Enough? Should we just be happy? I think he'd walk over hot coals for me, now he knows the depths of my unhappiness. It just comes down to the details, the sacrifices. If money was no object, I'd walk. That says it all I think. I want to fancy someone again, to have sex that I actually WANT - it's fine with him but I'd never bother given the choice! Not that I'm not given the choice, just that occasionally I want sex, he is very understanding about all the times I don't. Sorry, waffling!

We're talking more tonight. I intend to try to disentangle our finances a bit, get my head round it all, and start taking responsibility for my own affairs. I've just let him take care of it all. Then I'm in a better position if I do decide to walk.

And it's not all about the sex either of course! But shouldn't I find him a bit attractive still?

Its uncanny how similar your situation is to mine. I have spent hours and hours agonising over whether it's a fair balance to tear a family apart simply because I don't want to settle for "ok". And because I want to sit next to someone on the sofa who I want to snuggle up to and want to have sex with. Not someone who I do those things with because its what couples do and if I don't it will only alert him to something being wrong and force a conversation. But we get on well, as friends do. I guess the fear is the kids grow up and it's just us and I flee and I've wasted ten years of our lives, look back and think why didnt I bottom this ten years ago when I'd been feeling this way for three years?! When is it enough?

Six months from now I think if I don't feel any differently I'm going to either have to bite the bullet or learn to live with the contempt for myself for not having the courage to do it. Have you set yourself a timescale?

And yes I think you should find him attractive! My best friend and her DH have had issues over the last couple of years and been together 15. I spoke with her over the weekend and she said "I still fancy him and want to have sex with him". Feeling that way about mine is so unimaginable I almost struggle to believe her. Not that I think she is lying. But its incomprehensible to me!

Pictureframer and needsomebottle - I too could be writing your posts. I just don't fancy dp either. We never did have the big passion thing at the start. But I loved him. A few years back, when I wanted to chat about sex and communicate better what I wanted, he really wasn't keen to move away from his routine. He was quite dismissive. And with that I think I really stopped fancying him. I got vulnerable and he just kept himself safe. And whenever I invested energy into rekindling romance, the minute his work got busy he dropped me like a tonne of bricks. He just assumed me and my energy and goodwill would be ever-present.

We also get on as friends. But I also want to fancy someone again and have sex I actually want. I'd like someone to bring some energy and romance to the table, or obvioulsy the bed. To surprise me.

I don't think fancying our partners is a big ask. I really do wonder if it's the secret.

Wow, this is big for me! I thought I'd be told that's just long term relationships, you have to accept it, commitment, marriage, kids blah blah. I'm quite excited to think that might not be the case! And I might not be wrong to want more.

How is everyone doing? We've had lots more talking this evening. He is clearly very hurt and scared, but unfortunately that makes him aggressive and cold, so I feel even less like I love him!
I feel more and more convinced that we bring each other unhappiness. I know he loves me, and if only I could love him more, we'd be happy. I feel so awful to tear our family apart, I don't even know if I can. But I don't feel like I can stay

Another one with exactly the same story in soooo many ways. 18 months of conscious unhappiness, 2 years unconscious before that probably. Not going anywhere right now. Dd in middle of exams. Having counselling. Sometimes find it too hard to come on here and read/post but living the same journey as you all nevertheless. So offering my support & empathy. X

Sorry to hear that too. Maybe we'll start a revolution! My friend did say if I left, other wives would be hanging out bunting and cheering for me!

I'm still trying to think how much of my discontentment is me, as in - no relationship is perfect, they all have ups and downs. And how much of it is 'but I don't fancy him, he's not that interested in listening to me, we're just flatmates who watch tv together, I've been wanting more for years now, we're simply not even affectionate to each other etc' If he just said - I want more too, this is what I'm going to do etc I'd be hopeful. But he obviously doesn't. I've jumpstarted our relationship everytime through the years and I'm sick of it being me, it doesn't make me feel wanted when he prioritises work and parenting always.

Sorry to hear Picture that he's being 'aggressive and cold', yeah I'd agree with you as to why. But it can't be easy for you.

And got2bebrave - how is counselling going?

When I've known people split in rl and some other women are not so bunting friendly - and I know that may well happen to me as my dp is one of those men that people feel empathy for even though he's often quite different behind closed doors ............

I was in exactly the same position as many of you for many years, didn't love my husband anymore, couldn't see us together in the long term, had very little connection but of course worried about the impact on the children of separating. About 4 years ago all came to a head when I fell in love with someone else and he with me and it was the catalyst if not the reason for me going ahead and separating. It was initially horrendous; my ex-husband was understandably very difficult, I had a few years where I had to cope simultaneously with missing my children dreadfully as we had a 50/50 custody arrangement, having very little money or financial security, living in a very basic rented house and coping with the loss of the other man too who I loved dearly but, and here's the important point I NEVER ONCE REGRETTED IT OR MISSED MY EX-HUSBAND. The children had a very difficult first 6 months I would say but have settled reasonably well into our arrangement. They wish it were otherwise for sure and I have enduring guilt over the fact that they have to live between 2 homes, negotiate a very adult landscape and will always have this as part of their identity. There's no BUT at the end of that piece; they are good but no better off and probably worse off than they would have been had we stayed together. I think your own personality comes into play and what you can bear; my children are the most important thing in my life, of course they are, but I wasn't necessarily willing to entirely sacrifice my own well being and peace of mind for them. Some are more selfless than I and they decide to stay put. We can't live two parallel lives to know how it could have turned out differently if I had stayed. I did what I thought was right at the time, I jumped and tried to do it in as careful and painless a way as possible and I hope in the end we will all be ok - we seem to be doing really well so far, but who knows - and that is all anyone can do. The key factors in my own growing sense of happiness since separation have been getting a job that I love, having very good and supportive friends and family and I suppose a decent amount of ingrained optimism and faith that things would be ok. Not everyone has these things and that can make a difference too. Without wanting to sound arrogant, I had a lot going for me and was never going to have a really shit life. I have dated a bit and have had some lovely experiences with very nice men. The other man and I did not end up together - although there are still feelings there and our story is not done I think - but in a way, that's perhaps the least important part of my tale.

I have no real advice to give, as everyone's situation is unique. I would ask yourself to put yourself in worst case scenario and think about what you have to enable you to cope with that - your own strength of character, support from others, practical things like earning capacity - and if you think you could handle it, and if indeed the idea of doing so gives you a sense of excitement and freedom, then you probably know what you need to do

Not speaking from experience regarding loveless marriages but regarding loveless marriages of parents

I had 2 friends growing up who had real issues and insecurities due to their parents not loving each other. More than me for having separated parents from cheating.

One had serious intimacy issues. Couldn't get close to people very guarded no eye contact. Years later I found out her mum used to sleep in her room for years. I always thought they rotated the use of the bed as mum worked nights. Parents never in the same room. No family feel at all.

Another opposite. Overly affectionate. Just wanted anyone to love her. We lost touch 5 years ago and her parents were still living together.

Staying together unhappily will impact your children. It will teach them that is what love looks like