I don't love my husband

[pictureframar]

We've been together since we were teens, now both mid 40s. I have realised I just don't love him. I don't mean I don't feel the same as I used to, that stopped many years ago. I mean I don't even feel that companionable friendship, nor do I want to grow old with him.

I am irritable and often feel cross with him just being around him. This is not what he deserves at all. He's a nice man.

But, we have 3 dc between 4-12 years, and a huge mortgage in an expensive area. If we split, we'd have to sell the house I guess, and probably leave the immediate area. Is this just life? Do I just need to get on with it for the sake of my dc? It's not intolerable but I am miserable. My dcs have a happy life and it would be (as far as I can imagine) really hard to move, share rooms, joint custody etc. I can't see a way to unravel our 2 lives without it ruining what my dcs currently know of their lives.

Please help if you can. I am in pieces about this, I can't seem to stop thinking about it, I can't see a way forward.

Thank you for the responses. I'm determined not to rush into it, but I do feel I am winding down and I feel positive and excited for my future. When I imagine still being with him at 80, I feel Sad so that tells me something.

I think many many posters would leave if they could have a different but similar house to their own current home, with bedrooms for each child, close to the children's schools.

I have concluded some of it comes down to sex, and the complete lack of attraction I feel towards him. He still fancies me and wants a normal sex life. I want lots of sex but I don't fancy him, and can't see that I will again. That makes me sad, and it's sad for him. As a result, we rarely have sex and are both miserable about it. He's a bit baffled, but probably knows why really.

Oh yes this. And also about the thought of being together at 80. Bizarrely I watched grand designs tonight (stick with me - its relevant!) And there was an old couple who had built a house together years ago. Possibly late 70's. They were snuggled up and he gave her an affectionate kiss. My first thought was that I want what they have now and when I'm 80 and i can't imagine wanting it with him.

But once i did, so I'm sticking to my 6 months, and if i have to I'm going to have to find it in me then to call it a draw. That to me is the fairytale. Still in love at 70 odd. And I'd rather be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong ones. To quote a film from the eighties.

Sorry to disappear. We've just had The Conversation, sooner than I'd have wanted but he knew something was up. I've told him so gently and kindly. He's made it easy for me by being an arse, reverting to his old ways of trying to manipulate and control me. He even said I'd have to move out but could visit at weekends!!

I'm in a child's bed tonight (fine by me). No idea what happens now. It feels terrifying but it feels right, it actually feels like it's the right thing to do.

Well done it's scary but I promise one day you will look back on this night and describe it as the first day of your new life !

It was me on the bathroom floor 9 years ago when my new life started - feels like a movie I watched but real life

Sending love and strength for your new life xxx

Bravo, just skimmed this. You have done the right thing 110% sure of it. You are great to be so respectful and considerate of him. this is a very gentle uncoupling lol. Just look forward to freedom which is round the corner now x

OP - I was in a similar place to you. Knew for years that I was done and eventually would need to pull the plug. I also couldn’t imagine being with him in my old age, etc.
Kids were small, so I delayed it, thinking it’d be easier when they are a bit older.
Time passed and I got to the point where I had a reason to file for divorce.
And like you said - it felt right.
It was like the weight has lifted.

He was angry and almost lost. He wasn’t expecting me to act - although often used D-word as a threat in arguments before....
So - your H’s behaviour is understandable. He needs time to process.

We are in the process - and it does take time. And - not pleasant and anxiety-causing at times. But I have no regrets, not even when it’s at its worst.

So - don’t make any decisions just yet; don’t change your day/day life; don’t move out; etc.
If you have joint accounts - move half of the money to your name.
And look around for a solicitor.

Thank you, so lovely to get up and read these. I'm forcing myself to eat right now, I'm feeling anxious and sick, but absolutely positive and almost elated.
He's still in bed, so not seen him yet. How do I find a solicitor? Just any solicitor?

He's got up. Red eyed and cold. He said he wants to talk about 'arrangements' and that he's not prepared to financially support me for long. That I have to know there are consequences if I want to go down this road, and that I can't have my cake and eat it.

Fuck, he's horrible. He was only ever nice to me when I behaved, and I always behaved as a consequence. I didn't even realise that was the case, I actually thought I was a strong, confident independent woman. I probably earn half what he does. I need a solicitor don't I, how do I do that/pay for it?

Hi, that sounds horrible pictureframer!!!! You've got kids right. I think he needs to contribute. I can completely relate to your posts and alot of the others here (bar the one suggesting a woman's depressed if she wants to leave partner). I'm in a similar position and have been for for the last few years. I know relationships aren't perfect and we all make comprimises to live together but when the balance shifts, it shifts. And when the bad outways the good..... for years......

And I relate to that 'nice' when you behaved. I too think I've behaved for LOTS of years. I'm so done with it.

I get that feeling of being nice when you behaved. I wouldn’t say quite the same but I do get the impatience and frustration if I rock the boat or don’t agree with something or say we can’t afford something etc. I was married to a very placid guy when I was young and the lack of engagement annoyed me after a while , I thought the reverse would be more interesting but it’s actually quite anxiety making at times. Surely there must be people who are ‘in the middle!!

I've had my own house, no man in it, since 1986.
Like many women, I'd dreamed of having a place of my own.
It's good.
But it is far from perfect.

Well done for leaving op I know how hard it must have been, but when he says he is not prepared to support you financially for long, I do agree with him in terms of supporting you, no I don't think he has to support you per say but he does have to support his children! Get some legal advice and find out what you are entitled to op I wish you the best of luck.

You’ve done the right thing. I know from experience.

He sounds shocked and bitter, and he’s likely to play financial hardball. I’m not criticising him, just stating what I’ve gleaned from your posts.

I think that you should find a solicitor ASAP and arrange an appointment for this week. There is a Divorce board here, featuring regular posters who are solicitors/barristers who can often recommend local lawyers (if you’re prepared to divulge your city/county). Or look at old posts - they’re often have titles like “need a solicitor in Bristol” etc. You’ll need to gather financial info re salaries, savings, buy-to-lets, pensions etc.

Good luck.

Yep - you need a solicitor. Firstly - don't move out. It might be miserable but you need to stay with your kids. If you leave he can drag out divorce forever and not give you a penny and you'll be stuck renting a shit hole and never seeing the kids.

Find a solicitor that will give you a 30 minute free appointment and go get some starter advice. Get together copies of any and all financials docs. Bank statements, payslips (his too), savings, debts, mortgage things for the house..... At some point you'll need to know all that and better to sort it out now before he starts hiding stuff.

Consider what you want. Normally the financial split starts at 50:50. Then whoever is main custodian of the kids gets first consideration. The intention being that the kids are well looked after and that once that is secured there should be enough left for the other party to have a home / money etc.. Both of you will likely see a drop in your standard of living at least at first.

Do you want to stay in the house with the kids or sell it and split any equity? Are you going to be asking for spousal maintenance (hard to get unless your earnings are hugely different). I assume you intending to try and get main custody of the kids.... Just work out what you think is a fair split based broadly on a 50:50 share of what you've got.

Good luck.

Just wanted to add my words of support. Went through similar more than 8 years ago and it took me years and years to pluck up the courage to leave. Thought I couldn't survive financially on my own, etc etc. All of the things that you're probably feeling right now. You've done the right thing. Just make sure you get a fair divorce settlement.

For what it's worth I remarried last year and have a lovely house in a great area. DD is much happier with two happy parents who aren't together any more than she was with us arguing in the same house the whole time.

Doesn't he have to support me though? Even if I gave up my career (well went part time which amounts to a similar thing in terms of progression) to raise our kids and support him to work? I don't mean forever but for now? I don't know, I'm completely unprepared for this ☹️

picture, please get your ducks in a row, make copies of ALL final information, bank statements, pentions, morgage etc. Be savvy, way too many men wriggle out of financial obligations when a split occurs.

I would have personal counselling lined up, as it will help you to have extra support if you split up and help you to work through the issues that you have.

Your gp should be able to refere you to counselling or take a look at bacp to find a private therapist near you.

Sorry I hadn't seen the more recent posts. Thank you for the support both practical and emotional. I'll look at seeing a solicitor ASAP.

Ps go to a solicitor and get legal advice.

I would phone up all of the solicitors that practice family law in your area and arrange a 30 mins consultation (often they do this for free) with each of them.

Thank you, I'll do that xx

Good luck. It’s tough but you can’t carry on like this. I’ve read your thread and it seems to me that no amount of counselling or improved behaviour from him would change the way you feel. Your love for him has died and it’s past the point of no return by the sounds of it. It will be a hard road though. Even very amicable divorces are not without hiccups and children will always be affected. I think personally with you being the hone one to want to leave the marriage that 50/50 is a fair split rather than going after bigger shares. That’s where the animosity kicks in and it can get very very messy.

He probably should support you right now but it if he is enough of a git he will try and make things very difficult. If you have access to the joint account he theoretically shouldn't be able to stop you accessing it but he could have his salary paid into an account just in his name which you would not be able to access. The same with savings. He may well funnel the money into accounts just in his name. This is why you need to get copies of financial documents very quickly before all the money gets "lost".

He is not obliged by law to pay you anything until a financial settlement is reached and a child maintenance order is agreed. This can take months / years and a lot of legal wrangling. Don't move out. Try to be as reasonable as possible to encourage him also to be reasonable. Try and remind him you both want what is best for the kids and that should be both of your first priorities.

You should expect nothing from your husband unless it is a legal requirement. Relying on his generosity when you have just dumped him is pretty naive.