Wtf is going on with dh

[holidayharpie]

I'm currently on holiday. DH has been suffering depression for years and done nothing to help himself despite significant support. I work very long hours and in the run up to the holiday I've been working very long hours for a few months. DC 14 and 16 have been complaining about his behaviour and I have found him difficult. This holiday his behaviour has become bizarre. He's been NC with his parents for 20 years and many of his behaviours are identical to his dads. Examples

1. unable to take any criticism or perceived criticism. This may include a look from dd14 if he flicks sand on her etc, not actually criticism. He flies of the handle, shouting, accusations, storming off.
2. constant threats of leaving the place we are at, the holiday and me.
3. his mouth is constantly hanging open, all day and all night, he didn't do this before.
4. biting his nails, his fingers and scratching his nostrils
5. eating everything, all the food to share, all the snacks etc. Literally stuffing handfuls of crisps etc into iOS mouth. He's always been v slim and was a fitness model, he's looking v out of shape. (I am concerned about him not what he looks like)
6. greedy odd behaviour, ordering 3 courses when everyone's having a snack etc. It doesn't bother me for the money or food, but it's very different to his usual self.
7. sleeping 10+ hours a night and snoring, can't wake up, foul tempered when he wakes up.

What's happening to him? We're all on egg shells in case he has a massive tantrum.
This morning dd wanted a pastry, I said 'oh sorry i think your dad just had the last one' and he went berserk, calling me a liar, saying I was turning everyone against him etc. This was on the veranda of the hotel with other guests around.
It's so hard to manage his moods.
Any ideas?

You say he was a fitness model...did he use steroids by any chance?

l may be a mile off here, but a friend of mine experienced similar with her husband. Total personality change, aggressive, odd behaviours.
She actually asked him to leave as she was scared for herself and her children, but she pushed him to get help, and so did his colleagues (he worked in one of the emergency services, and it hadn't gone unnoticed there).
lt turned out that he had a non malignant brain tumour. He had treatment (l'm not sure if it was drugs or surgery), and he's back to his 'normal' self, and back with his family.
l'm not saying this is the case with your husband, but it does sound like it could be his new medication. l think l'd be speaking to his MH team, even allowing for patient confidentiality you need to raise your concerns and get them on record. l agree with the PP who said if you're afraid for your safety, get the local police involved. This situation would be bad enough to cope with at home, never mind in a strange country. And if you can, speak to your holiday rep and see if you can get you and the children moved. Make it very clear that you're concerned for your family's safety. x

@earlymodernparent

Fine, but you need back up. I started my nervous breakdown alone on holiday in Lagos, so I know of what I speak.

You poor thing, that must have been terrifying!

OP - I’m reposting EMP’s earlier post as it’s worth repeating!

1. ring someone at home for support and advice. Make sure they have ALL your details, including your travel insurance policy, so they can help you from UK if necessary.

2. tell someone local. Hotel manager, local doctor. Explain the situation and that you and the kids may need help to remove yourselves from husband, who may need emergency psychiatric treatment.

3. get contact details for the nearest British consulate.

4. ring your husband’s doctor and explain how your husband is. The doc won’t tell you anything but will act to inform Foreign Office etc. is necessary.

stay safe

I know it won’t be easy to just leave him there, but you have to think of your own safety, for your sake and your children’s, they can’t afford to lose both their parents.

Talk to people who can help- don’t just hope to get through it and it be ok, that’s not going to work.

He's got MH Issues... If you love him, try REALLY hard to help him.

The OP has tried to help him for 20 years fgs.
He doesn't want to help himself.

Whether he’s an arsehole or just fucking mental (or a bit of both) you need to get away for your own sake and the DCs.

As other posters have said starting a new med just before a bug holiday to a developing country very unwise.

Wiki says this med can take 3-4 weeks for full effect so about now. It seems like your DH has developed an adverse reaction.

As he is so aggressive and scarring you, can you move hotels (leave a note so no confrontation just explaining he is scarying you, you think he is having an adverse reaction to his beds but being too aggressive to sidcuss you have had no option but to move hotels and you will discuss the meds situation with him at home. Also say he should have discussed such a bug change just before your once in a lifetime bug holiday with you in advance as it is having consequences for you and the children)

If you think his behaviour is manageable, then for the children’s sake maybe just tread on eggshells for the week and then reconsider everything at home.

I think you need to explain to the children the position, and ask them what they would prefer. If moving hotels and leaving their Dad woukd really stress them out then this in turn will stress you. If they would see it as a huge relief then go ASAP.

it sounds more like he is not a very nice person who has those conditions, rather than a nice person changed by them.

This

If you insist on staying, then stop trying to fix him! Detach, detach detach and deal with it when you get home.

However, when you get home you need to start looking in the mirror and asks yourself what have trying to ‘fix’ him all these years really achieved.

You keep saying your not going to let him take this away from you, when you were warned by your mother, that he would at the very least, take the joy out of it. If this event was really so important, why jeopardise it by taking him with you?

This blinkered ‘I’ll fix him’ approach has brought you to this point and it really hasn’t been fair on your kids. I’m sure those long working hours were a holiday compared to being in your H’s company.

It’s time to stop making excuses for him and yourself.

I hope you have a better day today OP.

@ HennyPennyHorror

You seem to be attributing the post I was quoting to me.

If OP leaves him alone in the hotel he is likely to become even more disturbed and possibly a threat to the hotel staff. Don't they count?

Those tablets can cause disturbed thinking and confusion so that might be why he is worse. Also the increased appetite. I hope you are ok OP

I grew up with a father whose severe mental illness made him abusive. He wouldn't seek help either. None of that was who he was deep down but that didn't change the impact on us.

Rather than cancer, a better comparison for the type of mental health problems where the sufferer actively harms their loved one might be TB or scarlet fever. There are situations where you can love someone but have a greater responsibility to protect your children (and the right to protect yourself) and you do what you can to get them somewhere safe but you keep a safe distance.

When we'll, my dad would have given anything not to have hurt us so by protecting yourself, you're protecting him too.

There's a poster I've seen which likens depression to a deep hole and your loved ones should help you out. Well sometimes the hole is too deep and all you'd achieve is falling in too. Sometimes you have to leave it to the professionals.

It's definitely not impossible to have depression for 20 years, but I wouldn't expect anyone to continue in a marriage for that long with someone who behaves like this.

In the short term, OP, this man needs help as the symptoms seem to be getting worse over the days. That is utterly shit for you because it has the side effect of ruining your holiday, and it's a pattern.

However, he does need to see a doctor asap.

Rather than cancer, a better comparison for the type of mental health problems where the sufferer actively harms their loved one might be TB or scarlet fever

I think that's a really good comparison, @Littletabbyocelot - and sorry to hear about your difficult childhood. My DM has severe mental illness too, so I know how hard it is

Obviously the number 1 priority is the safety of the OP and her kids. But - to use the TB analogy - you wouldn't leave someone acutely septic from TB in a developing county and go home (as some PPs are suggesting), without trying to get him medical help. In the worst case scenarios, adverse reactions to mirtazipine can be fatal and more likely is that he will harm himself - intentionally or accidentally - and/or end up in jail. I agree with the PP who said that a jail cell for a mental health assessment might be the safest place for him, but that is a very different situation from him being banged up for harming someone or damaging property while he is unwell.

And where the TB analogy falls down a bit is that someone who is acutely psychotic often does not realise that he is ill. The current situation is awful for the OP and their DC, but it will be terrifying for him too.

Hi OP
You have had some amazing advice here. I hope you are safe.
Please make sure your family at home are aware as steps may need to be taken to get him home.
I was on mirtazapine myself and yes it knocks you out usually within half an hour of taking it and you sleep all the way through with increased appetite I gained loads. I have a lot of sympathy for anyone with MH issues as I have suffered but please don't carry this by yourself you amazing lady.

I hate to say it but you need to go home asap you and your children are very vulnerable right now and although it is a trip of a life time it isn't worth risking him snapping

I hope you are ok

Oh blimey, I really feel for you especially as you have been looking forward to this for so long. I hope you can still enjoy the event.

I obviously don't know your husband and whether he's having a MH crisis/medical issue or whether he's just being a prick but something clearly has to be done. If he refuses medical help then for yours and your children's safety and well-being, I'd have to leave him to get on with it.

Hope you and your children are ok

I went through something very similar with my husband, his moods were unbearable, he went from slender to chubby almost over night and would eat everything....he also had weird sensation in his feet and seems a bit confused at times. Ended up being early symptoms of diabetes.

Given OP says he's been getting worse for years and manages to ruin every event for her and this is a big one she's wanted since she was little, I find his timing a huge coincidence for this episode. He also could have held off changing meds until after the holiday to avoid side affects, but no.

He sounds like a dick and I bet he's far more aware of his behaviour than he's making out.

Hope you’re okay OP

You go and enjoy what you came for with the kids 💐
I would be looking to leave when you are back as that behaviour would be the end. I wouldn't want my children being in that environment. I'm sure they would be relieved also.

All you people saying "leave Him" …
*
You are the lowest.*

Wish my father had left my psychotic mother.

Hope you're ok, OP.

I assume OP is in a different time zone. She should speak to the hotel manager. They will have seen everything.

Often developing countries will have very good Western educated private doctors who serve the ex-pat community, hotels and the rich. I am not a medic but assume though that if it is felt to be a reaction to new medication, a new doctor would be hesitant to take him off abruptly.

The hotel manager might, however be able to find someone (security guard) to babysit him during the day whilst she takes her DC out. Perhaps find them a seperate room if she is comfortable with leaving him alone, and perhaps have a word with the local airline manager about sensitive seating on the way back.

It depends how good he is, but a good one will know everything.

You can not cure him, your children are suffering. What a horrible life they will have to look back on. Leave for your safety as well as theres

You can’t fix him.

But you can make sure that you and your dc are protected by getting the fuck away from him.

MH is easy to hide behind. But sometimes people are simply abusive arseholes who happen to have a MH problem.

He's having some kind of breakdown and I think I may be to do with his medication.