Wtf is going on with dh

[holidayharpie]

I'm currently on holiday. DH has been suffering depression for years and done nothing to help himself despite significant support. I work very long hours and in the run up to the holiday I've been working very long hours for a few months. DC 14 and 16 have been complaining about his behaviour and I have found him difficult. This holiday his behaviour has become bizarre. He's been NC with his parents for 20 years and many of his behaviours are identical to his dads. Examples

1. unable to take any criticism or perceived criticism. This may include a look from dd14 if he flicks sand on her etc, not actually criticism. He flies of the handle, shouting, accusations, storming off.
2. constant threats of leaving the place we are at, the holiday and me.
3. his mouth is constantly hanging open, all day and all night, he didn't do this before.
4. biting his nails, his fingers and scratching his nostrils
5. eating everything, all the food to share, all the snacks etc. Literally stuffing handfuls of crisps etc into iOS mouth. He's always been v slim and was a fitness model, he's looking v out of shape. (I am concerned about him not what he looks like)
6. greedy odd behaviour, ordering 3 courses when everyone's having a snack etc. It doesn't bother me for the money or food, but it's very different to his usual self.
7. sleeping 10+ hours a night and snoring, can't wake up, foul tempered when he wakes up.

What's happening to him? We're all on egg shells in case he has a massive tantrum.
This morning dd wanted a pastry, I said 'oh sorry i think your dad just had the last one' and he went berserk, calling me a liar, saying I was turning everyone against him etc. This was on the veranda of the hotel with other guests around.
It's so hard to manage his moods.
Any ideas?

I have nothing to add to the short term advice you've had from excellent posters on this thread, other than to repeat that I think you may be in more danger than you realise and that you need to reach out for help, both locally and from home.

Speaking as someone who left a partner who was mentally ill after many years of bad behaviour, I just want to add a couple of things for your longer term consideration:

• it is very, very easy when dealing with bad MH issues to normalise behaviour that is really not normal in your own mind. This can lead you to underestimate impacts and risks.
• you have a right to be happy in your life and to pursue your own happiness. You have been more than dutiful in your loyalty to this man, and it is perhaps time to think of yourself. It is not selfish to do so, particularly if someone isn't taking responsibility/care of themselves. A decision like switching medication is something he should have spoken to you about.

I've heard an early symptom of diabetes can make people go a bit "weird", my grandad had diabetes. He sadly passed away before I was born but my grandmother has told me about how he would become weird and say strange nonsensical things if he was late to take his insulin/medication. Someone I know also became similarly delusional before being diagnosed.

I hope you and your DC are okay. Call a mental health crisis line, maybe?

@holidayharpie You ok OP? X

I think there's nothing more you can do unless you feel threatened, but to keep your head down, try to enjoy the last part of your holiday, and make plans to divorce when you get home. In view of his behaviour I would contact women's aid and see how to do this safely.

If things worsen you have no choice except to leave for somewhere safe.

I disagree with all those saying get home quickly. You’ve saved for 10 years and wanted this holiday since you were little, you should bloody well enjoy it.

I do agree that you need to change hotels/send him home in order to get the most out of the trip though.

Isn't it convenient that this episode coincides with the once in a life time trip op has dreamed of and saved for years.

Mentally ill or not abuse is abuse.

Please stay safe OP

I hope you manage to enjoy the trip and are able to form an escape plan once you're are home.

I don’t want to worry you but that sounds like early onset dementia or Huntington’s or similar. He need a medical opinion to rule out- if all ok he’s a dick and LTB.

Agreed Rose. He has form for ruining things that matter to her, and this is the most important thing she's ever done. If he's randomly coming down with a syndrome starting when they arrived in the resort I'll eat my hat, but only a doctor can confirm.

I'm not sure this man is going to ask his doctor about diabetes, huntingdons etc. He's been self neglecting for twenty years.

What is happening now is not his fault. He needs urgent medical help to get him assessed and, ideally, back to the UK as quickly as possible, as long as he is safe to fly. He must be assessed by a doctor first though.

This. All those people saying get home quickly - would you want to be on a flight with this man?

Although the timing is really weird. Once in a lifetime and he wrecks it for the OP. Honestly OP, I'd make sure everyone is safe and I'd leave him.

If he's on mirtazepine 30mg now it would suggest the tablet change he spoke of was just increasing the dose, as the starting dose is 15mg. I wouldn't expect all these new symptoms to come just from upping the dose.

Yes mirtazepine can increase your appetite but it shouldn't cause the other symptoms, and I would expect his behaviour around food to still be within societal norms rather than losing all his table manners.

My differential, purely from what you have said so obviously don't take this as gospel, would be either a psychotic depression or some kind of frontal lobe disorder. The second one would tick more of the boxes but would be quite rare. I would suggest he definitely needs to see a doctor ASAP

Please make sure you and the children are safe and please call for medical help.

Yes mirtazepine can increase your appetite but it shouldn't cause the other symptoms, and I would expect his behaviour around food to still be within societal norms rather than losing all his table manners

I listed the recognised side-effects of mirtazapine above and they include every single one of the DH's symptoms. He hasn't "lost his table manners" FFS - mirtazapine is affecting his neurotransmitters and making it impossible for him to perform actions like eating (which are in fact quite complex neurologically) normally.

It is depressing that some posters are so invested in the idea of the DH being abusive that they would like to see someone acutely ill and vulnerable abandoned in a foreign country. It just shows how stigmatised mental illness still is. I can't imagine that - if the DH were having a heart attack or sepsis - PPs would be telling the OP to abandon him without getting him help, even if he was a massive twat who had brought the illness on himself.

The DH may well have made choices that have contributed to his illness. He may well be an arsehole. But he is very sick at the moment. I wouldn't abandon anyone, even a complete stranger, in his circumstances.

PS I don't mean you are telling the OP to abandon him, @justchecking1 - I mean other PPs.

XXcstatic 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

It is possible to really feel for holidayharpie without wanting someone with a history of mental health problems to be abandoned in a country where mental health services are not well developed.

Really hope u n the kids are safe n DH is better

Hope you got to your event op. And I hope you're all safe

How scary for you OP it sounds like it's escalating too. Definitely consult a dr, hopefully the hotel can help. I'd worry about getting home safely with DH in this frame of mind.

Either break down or drug related. He needs to see a doctor, could also be something physically wrong with his brain.

OP is it a long flight? I would be worrying about his behaviour on the aeroplane. Sadly I think you need to just accept defeat and get yourselves home as soon as possible so he can get some help.

No need to be quite so scathing XXXcstatic. I am not equating GPS with International Rescue. I typed in a hurry and accept I put that badly. I was only thinking that if there were a crisis it might help to have told the GP who could assist, if only by confirming diagnosis/ medication to the relevant people.

Apologies if this has been suggested already but are you taking antimalarials? There's several different types and some can cause psychosis. I remember when I went to Africa on my gap year one of my fellow travellers told me about someone she had met whilst travelling that got very paranoid and tried to attack her with a tent peg hammer.

Thank you for all the posts, it is quite overwhelming. I agree with those who say it is a combination of a pattern of selfish behaviour and the medication. Thanks for the advice on side effects. I am finding his behaviour around food particularly difficult as DD14 is reacting by eating less and less, other than that it doesn't really bother me.
I am going to hold on for tomorrow, we are travelling today and I will see how he is.
Last night it took me 45 minutes to talk him out of the bathroom. I wasn't worried he would harm himself as he has locked himself in bathrooms for years, at home in the shed. His behaviour improved dramatically and I booked the trip, then he got worse again. When he locks himself in a room he curls up in a ball on the floor and just lies there until I basically 'talk him down' for anything up to an hour. Its exhausting.
He has threatened suicide and self harm for over 10 years but never actually hurt himself in any way. It tends to happen if I cry about his behaviour.
I think he has developed abusive behaviour as a way of dealing with his illness and he had a terrible childhood. I can't continue with this thou, even thou it isn't his fault.
PP who said it was like being a prey animal, constantly alert was right, I am so anxious and I don't need it and nor to DC.
DC are my top priority and alway will be. His lack of pride and joy in them breaks my heart. DS did GCSEs this years so it was a join GCSE exam and bday celebration. :(

The GPs and DRs he has seen have not been helpful. The counselling has seemed to make his selfishness worse. I am exhausted. I didn't sleep last night. He has been snoring away, I lie here trying to make a plan. Its not fair.

Your poor poor woman
You've had so many years of this. I hope you can still have your special trip. You sound like you've come to the end of the road with your DH. He's clearly unwell but he's also clearly not a nice person to you.