Wtf is going on with dh

[holidayharpie]

I'm currently on holiday. DH has been suffering depression for years and done nothing to help himself despite significant support. I work very long hours and in the run up to the holiday I've been working very long hours for a few months. DC 14 and 16 have been complaining about his behaviour and I have found him difficult. This holiday his behaviour has become bizarre. He's been NC with his parents for 20 years and many of his behaviours are identical to his dads. Examples

1. unable to take any criticism or perceived criticism. This may include a look from dd14 if he flicks sand on her etc, not actually criticism. He flies of the handle, shouting, accusations, storming off.
2. constant threats of leaving the place we are at, the holiday and me.
3. his mouth is constantly hanging open, all day and all night, he didn't do this before.
4. biting his nails, his fingers and scratching his nostrils
5. eating everything, all the food to share, all the snacks etc. Literally stuffing handfuls of crisps etc into iOS mouth. He's always been v slim and was a fitness model, he's looking v out of shape. (I am concerned about him not what he looks like)
6. greedy odd behaviour, ordering 3 courses when everyone's having a snack etc. It doesn't bother me for the money or food, but it's very different to his usual self.
7. sleeping 10+ hours a night and snoring, can't wake up, foul tempered when he wakes up.

What's happening to him? We're all on egg shells in case he has a massive tantrum.
This morning dd wanted a pastry, I said 'oh sorry i think your dad just had the last one' and he went berserk, calling me a liar, saying I was turning everyone against him etc. This was on the veranda of the hotel with other guests around.
It's so hard to manage his moods.
Any ideas?

I don’t think we can tell if he’s generally abusive from this post. He’s shouting and delusional but that could be due to his mental health. It isn’t right and the op doesn’t have to put up with it (I’m not suggesting she does) but sometimes severe mental health issues do make people behave this way when they wouldn’t otherwise especially during a flare up or a recent change of meds.

If the op is filming him snoring / his other sleep behaviours to try to show him what’s going on and he’s struggling with the side effects no wonder he’s getting annoyed. I would be annoyed too! When my dh first started taking these tablets he made the most god awful noises in his sleep, like he had hiccups and was choking and snoring at the same time. He’s a large man and it was so loud it woke all the kids up. It sounded horrendous. But I didn’t say anything to him because I knew he was starting these new tablets and it was probably due to that. If I’d filmed him and confronted it with him he’d have felt like shit about it at a time when he already felt like shit.

The worst thing the dh has done in all this is not explaining to the op he’s started to take these tablets. They don’t seem to talk as a team. He should have stayed at home.

Are you in a hotel op? If so ask them to arrange a doctor. He needs medical help ASAP.

He sounds like he needs inpatient care and needs to be involuntarily admitted. If I were you I wouldn’t continue the relationship as it sounds miserable. It’s not just this latest odd behaviour, you said the majority of the responsibility has always been on you and he has form for ruining things you enjoy.

You can’t fix him. It’s time to make a plan!

'no wonder he's annoyed' FACE PALM

Omg how do any of you know he's severely mentally ill? Granted he's on medication but he may just be acting like a twat. From what the op says previously, he doesn't sound the nicest of men.

I hope you have a lovely time today op and enjoy your dream day! X

Just shown the medication pic to my GP husband - apparently it can cause phenomenal hunger, especially if recently switched. He's heard of people eating the entire contents of the fridge on this stuff.

Unfortunately this doesn't account for his other behaviours. OP, perhaps your once-in-a-lifetime experience isn't the event itself, but the opportunity to let the scales fall from your eyes and move on. Something positive can come from this.

I really hope that op reads and carries out XXcstatic's advice and takes him to the nearest doctor for an assessment.

He went mental when op mentioned he'd had the last pastry. Does anyone here think he's going to trot along to the foreign gp and meekly explain his problems? Op can't 'take' him anywhere.

Mirtazipine wouldn’t cause any of that. Neither would depression really. From what you’ve said it sounds like he’s an abusive manipulator who you’ve supported for many years. People’s personalities do change and maybe he feels you’ve put up with him for so long he can be true to himself.
Or he’s having a severe psychotic breakdown in which case you need you and your children to be safe and he needs to help himself.

Yes, sorry, not had coffee yet. I meant arrange for a doctor to see him (the hotel reception would probably help).

Omg how do any of you know he's severely mentally ill

1. Appears to be having delusions
2. Sudden mood swings, much worse than his normal
3. Paranoia
4. Sudden change in appetite
5. Sudden change in sleep pattern
6. Sharp increase in irritability
7. Bizarre and atypical behaviour
8. Newly started on mirtazipine
9. I have been a doctor for more than 20 years.

People who are twats in everyday life can suffer from mental illness too. Just because he is normally a twat doesn't mean that his current behaviour is his fault. It's a bugger for the OP, but she needs to act before someone (likely her DH) gets seriously harmed.

The worst thing the dh has done in all this is not explaining to the op he’s started to take these tablets. not the shouting, screaming temper tantrums or scaring his family then?

Mirtazipine had horrific side effects for my niece. Not that it explains the last 20 years of course but it may be the cause of the current extra issues.

Hope you’re ok OP

Yep also I think people here are massively overestimating the powers of medical profs (who don’t know the patients history) and also of consular services. Don’t know if any of you have had the misfortune to require consular assistance in an overseas emergency, but really is rarely what you’d expect.

People aren’t reading the replies from those who actually have experience of his medication and long term depression. It really does cause these side effects. I’ve seen it first hand as have others who have also posted.

It doesn’t mean op should stay with him or put up with his behaviours though. But I choose to stay and support dh who has very similar behaviours and difficulties because I know it is his condition and not “him”, however he controls it around the children by removing himself when he feels very agitated so they don’t realise how bad he is.

How would that play out? The guy isn't asking for help and doesn't think he's having a breakdown. He won't tell his own wife what tablets he's on and he's refused help at home for twenty years.

Unless people are reading a different op, I'm beginning to doubt myself tbh as some of these replies are completely off the wall.

@XXcstatic speaks sense.

Mirtazipine wouldn’t cause any of that

Where did you go to medical school, Shplot?

From the British National Formulary (the medicine bible)

Side-effects
Common or very common
Anxiety; appetite increased ; arthralgia; back pain; confusion; constipation; diarrhoea; dizziness; drowsiness; dry mouth; fatigue; headache (on discontinuation); myalgia; nausea; oedema; postural hypotension; sleep disorders ; tremor; vomiting; weight increased

Uncommon
Hallucination ; mania ; movement disorders ; oral disorders ; syncope

Rare or very rare
Aggression; pancreatitis

All you people saying "leave Him" You are the lowest
Would you say "leave him" if he had cancer …He's got MH Issues... If you love him, try REALLY hard to help him

Lower than someone too stupid to read the OP's posts where she describes living with this and supporting him for many years and the abusive behaviours he is displaying?

OP: Some of this could be side effects, but it may not be if there is also another pattern of behaviour in his family.

He needs help from someone medically qualified but honestly so do you. Caring for someone with severe MH issues whilst also being the breadwinner, the person on whom the family hinges is really tough.

You need help too, partly to know if this is sustainable long term or to work out how much of your life and your children's lives you are willing to put on hold/sacrifice if he doesn't address the behavioural problems.

Helluva time to start taking such a serious, new medication that he should be being monitored on initially ... 3 weeks before a major international holiday?!?! What on earth was his GP thinking?

It does sound like the medication has turned your arsehole of a husband into an even scarier and now paranoid arsehole which makes him potentially dangerous to himself and others. I would actually be very concerned and afraid right now.

Is there anywhere at all that you and the children can go to get away from him if he won't seek help?

I would also think that if the marriage was already teetering, this will probably push it over the edge.

I have no advice on the husband side, but I just wanted to say that I hope you have managed to enjoy the event you’ve waited so long for with your DC.
I hope you all get the help you need as soon as you’re able.

There's no point telling the OP to leave immediately and get back to the UK - she's been waiting to do this event her whole life and spent a small fortune on it, she's not going to leave now.

Whatever is going on with her husband, and it does sound like it could be the new meds, then it can wait another couple of days til she's done her event for her birthday - with or without him - then she can decide whether or not to finish the second week on holidays or go immediately (at vast expense).

However, when she gets home, it could be a plan to tell him he must go to the GP or she's done - he could wait out the side effects, but if they aren't gone within a month, then she shouldn't have to put up with this any more.

C8H Depression isn't simple and many people who suffer mental health problems WON'T seek help BECAUSE of the MHP. It's not as cut and dried as "They're abusive" at all.

Not saying that everyone with a spouse who is mentally ill HAS to stay with them. But it's a factor.

Have you spoken to the children about it? I think they’re old enough for a frank conversation and some reassurance. “Dad seems to be ill. When we get home I will be ensuring he gets medical help. Here, my priority is our safety. I have a bag packed with all of our passports. It is in [place]. I’d also like you to put these numbers in your phones... If he scares you, you should feel able to walk away. Go to the hotel reception and wait for me there. Ok?”

Really hoping @holidayharpie reads @XXcstatic posts as they’re realistically the most factual and helpful for advice.