Wtf is going on with dh

[holidayharpie]

I'm currently on holiday. DH has been suffering depression for years and done nothing to help himself despite significant support. I work very long hours and in the run up to the holiday I've been working very long hours for a few months. DC 14 and 16 have been complaining about his behaviour and I have found him difficult. This holiday his behaviour has become bizarre. He's been NC with his parents for 20 years and many of his behaviours are identical to his dads. Examples

1. unable to take any criticism or perceived criticism. This may include a look from dd14 if he flicks sand on her etc, not actually criticism. He flies of the handle, shouting, accusations, storming off.
2. constant threats of leaving the place we are at, the holiday and me.
3. his mouth is constantly hanging open, all day and all night, he didn't do this before.
4. biting his nails, his fingers and scratching his nostrils
5. eating everything, all the food to share, all the snacks etc. Literally stuffing handfuls of crisps etc into iOS mouth. He's always been v slim and was a fitness model, he's looking v out of shape. (I am concerned about him not what he looks like)
6. greedy odd behaviour, ordering 3 courses when everyone's having a snack etc. It doesn't bother me for the money or food, but it's very different to his usual self.
7. sleeping 10+ hours a night and snoring, can't wake up, foul tempered when he wakes up.

What's happening to him? We're all on egg shells in case he has a massive tantrum.
This morning dd wanted a pastry, I said 'oh sorry i think your dad just had the last one' and he went berserk, calling me a liar, saying I was turning everyone against him etc. This was on the veranda of the hotel with other guests around.
It's so hard to manage his moods.
Any ideas?

But also be aware that the response to speaking to hotel staff / local medics will depend entirely on the culture of the place you’re visiting. Tread carefully... not everyone knows how to deal with delicate situations in a woman- centric way , and a well meaning hotel employee making the wrong moves could put you in danger.

The OP hasn't posted since 5.29am...hope she's sleeping and the * hasn't hit the fan!

Sorry this is happening op. Just try and get through this to your special event. I agree why should he take this from you. It is strange that he has been on this new medication for three weeks and you are only seeing the side affects now. I hate to say it but cold this be a little bit deliberate? After your event I would seriously think about leaving with the DC. You can't help him if he doesn't want to help himself.

And please don’t put an event above the safety of yourself and your children, he cannot be trusted, he is behaving like a stranger and if he flips out on you it’ll be the flight home you won’t be seeing, never mind your event. You won’t be able to hate him.

Please don’t live under a cloud! Life is too short to risk your life like this.

Someone I know had a very bad experience on mirtazipine, including personality changes and ‘active blackouts’ where he was doing things and speaking to people but he wasn’t ‘him’. Very much like he had split personality. Then would come round back into himself with no recollection of the hours previously. Alcohol exacerbated it.

As soon as I read your first post I knew he was taking the same medication as my dh. My dh had exactly those side effects from it including the mouth hanging open thing and horrendous snoring. However this was just for about 2-3 weeks when he first started taking it and gradually they’ve gone away. Since then it’s been a miracle worker and he seems to be a lot better in himself, he’s had very severe depression (which I suspect is actually bipolar) for years and has tried many drugs and this is the only one that seems to help.

He does still eat a lot on it and has put on about 2 stone, which he hates but he would rather be like that then suffer the depression.

He does still get very paranoid but I think that is more the nature of his depression rather than the medication.

I think it seems like your dh started these tablets just before you went away, no wonder he’s struggling with the effects so much! Poor you, it’s very difficult to cope with.

No it's not deliberate. He's extremely ill. You have to get him
home but he may cause trouble on the flight. This is a medical emergency and it's so awful that the kids have to witness it.

People telling you to leave him in the place where you are .. a local prison cell isn't going to be very helpful.

The problem is medications are all different. Switching medications or just skipping a few doses of existing meds can have big side effects and cause mood instability !

It is completely irresponsible that he isn’t keeping you in the loop with things like change of brands - he is altering his brain chemistry and doesn’t want to let you know! You aren’t acting as a team and he is shutting you out.

I would advise to leave him until he can take some real responsibility for his mental heal and medical schedule.

I'm worried for you Op I agree some countries may not like a woman accusing a Male. I would sod the activity and come home. Saftey is paramount x

Why is everyone coming up with weird and wonderful diagnoses? The op states he's been a nightmare for years and won't get help. He has form for ruining things that matter to him and his father was just the same.

He isn't going to ask the gp to investigate all these things and op can't do it for him as he's an adult. All she can do is get herself and her children away from him so they can be safe and happy.

He is clearly abusive. He's ill too, but that's his responsibility.

Oh op. I am so sorry. I had an ex like this, even down to worsening on holiday or when away and being the sole earner and carer. I think part was learnt behaviour from his dad a massive part was abuse and manipulation. I ended up finally getting the push to leave after a conversation with his mum about bringing children up in that environment.
Life For you is exhausting, utterly exhausting, your constantly on high alert. Even when sleeping your not resting properly. My councillor pointed out it’s like being a prey animal, constantly on alert.

On a practical level I think you need to look into getting home as soon as you can after this event. So gather your stuff speak to the consul etc. Do you think he’s going to leave early?

Yes I also thought I could fix him, I couldn’t. Only he can fix himself.

The OP has been trying for 20 bloody years!!!!

If he is genuinely ill or psychotic I don’t think it’s good advice for the op to leave with the children and not tell him. Is he capable of getting himself home? What would happen to him? He could get himself locked up in a foreign country and what then?

No ^ but the OP is being abused by this man and that is not on either.

@haloumi I think that’s very out of order. Don’t compare cancer to something that hasn’t even been diagnosed and is putting op in immediate danger of violence.

People with cancer usually try to get help and don't terrorise their family. What a pointless comparison.

Er, haloumi, read the full thread.

He's an abusive arsehole using mental illness as an excuse.

Can you go off and do the stuff you want with the dcs and just leave him at the hotel?

@Gingernaut even if he weren’t it’s all levels of wrong to judge someone for leaving someone who has mental health issues. Just because there’s a reason for abuse it doesn’t mean it’s any easier for someone to tolerate. No one should be judged for that

have a discussion about his behaviour and how it is not acceptable

He is acutely and severely mentally ill. This is not a behavioural issue and not within his control. His behaviour is alarming, but it is a side-effect of his illness. He may well be an arse when he is well too, but that's a different matter.

What is happening now is not his fault. He needs urgent medical help to get him assessed and, ideally, back to the UK as quickly as possible, as long as he is safe to fly. He must be assessed by a doctor first though.

The emergency, and the priority , is to ensure the op is in a position where she can not be harmed (especially physically) by her dh. After she’s in that position, when she’s safe, his issues can be addressed. And if he’s a danger to her and her children in a remote place, because of medication or not, then frankly yes, a local prison cell is preferable than the op and her children being attacked abroad. Because that’s how these situations tend to escalate sadly .

@MorrisZapp, thank you! I was just coming to say the same. Who knew the only thing you had to do to get a mental health diagnosis was to ask the armchair psychiatrists on MN?!

Honestly people, stop spouting bollocks about stuff you know nothing about. The OPs husband presumably has a doctor who has given him a diagnosis and prescribed him some medication (which the OP could have googled for herself). Trying to come up with 101 other reasons why he’s a twat just makes you look foolish.

Ring your insurance company and arrange for him to go home.