Wtf is going on with dh

[holidayharpie]

I'm currently on holiday. DH has been suffering depression for years and done nothing to help himself despite significant support. I work very long hours and in the run up to the holiday I've been working very long hours for a few months. DC 14 and 16 have been complaining about his behaviour and I have found him difficult. This holiday his behaviour has become bizarre. He's been NC with his parents for 20 years and many of his behaviours are identical to his dads. Examples

1. unable to take any criticism or perceived criticism. This may include a look from dd14 if he flicks sand on her etc, not actually criticism. He flies of the handle, shouting, accusations, storming off.
2. constant threats of leaving the place we are at, the holiday and me.
3. his mouth is constantly hanging open, all day and all night, he didn't do this before.
4. biting his nails, his fingers and scratching his nostrils
5. eating everything, all the food to share, all the snacks etc. Literally stuffing handfuls of crisps etc into iOS mouth. He's always been v slim and was a fitness model, he's looking v out of shape. (I am concerned about him not what he looks like)
6. greedy odd behaviour, ordering 3 courses when everyone's having a snack etc. It doesn't bother me for the money or food, but it's very different to his usual self.
7. sleeping 10+ hours a night and snoring, can't wake up, foul tempered when he wakes up.

What's happening to him? We're all on egg shells in case he has a massive tantrum.
This morning dd wanted a pastry, I said 'oh sorry i think your dad just had the last one' and he went berserk, calling me a liar, saying I was turning everyone against him etc. This was on the veranda of the hotel with other guests around.
It's so hard to manage his moods.
Any ideas?

Just read back what you've written. He's obviously struggling to keep a lid on his temper, but he is choosing you to be the person who gets his worse behaviour.

It would be different if he was apologetic or taking himself elsewhere to calm down.

Would you treat him this way? If not, why do you deserve it?

He's an utterly abusive twat OP and regardless of any presumed illness, he is able to control it in front of others who aren't you. It's become easy to abuse you. I wish you every strength to kick his nasty arse out for good. I really hope you do.

Op my friends partner did this nad he had a brain tumor. He needs to see a gp to rule anything medical out.
If my dp spoke to me like that in front of our son I'd be gone. But I do. Think he needs help

Definitely erring on the side of abusive twat - agree with previous posters that if he can hide this side of him in front of others it’s not a pure MH issue.

You deserve better.

I'm no GP, but surely if he can be charming and nice with your parents, this is a lot down to the fact he's a complete twat, rather than a MH issue.. After reading the thread I thought it was more around him having a psychotic episode. Maybe he's simply a cunt

It's stressful just reading your posts, please don't waste another hour, start to make your arrangements to leave him

He is an abusive cunt. Even if he does have a MH problem, he’s STILL an abusive cunt. The reason doesn’t matter, the result is the same

I've been lurking and hoping you all made it home safely. I'm glad you managed to have some happy times with your lovely DC, and I'm so sorry your H has behaved so badly. It's all been said before - he's an abusive cunt.

If you can summon the energy to manage the last two weeks, you can summon the energy to leave him, or to make him leave. You deserve better.

Ive been following this thread and I'm so stressed out for you, OP! You've done brilliantly over this holiday and you sound lovely. You're on familiar ground now, with hopefully support around you. For you and your kids, it's really time to take action. Either he leaves or you do. His steps to seek medical/therapeutic support will come after (his decision). You cannot live like this, and if his behaviour (which is already abusive) escalates, you could be in serious trouble. Call the police if you feel in any way intimidate or threatened - please. X

There’s no let up for you. Do you think he would stick around if you acted the way he does, ill or not?

I hope your animals are ok. I had to shop around quite a lot before I found the right sitter to look after mine but they do exist, don’t give up on that Masai Mara dream.

What an amazing experience for you Harpie but what a shitty home life you have.

Really hoping you can sort this out for your children if nothing else.

Get some rest and plan an exit

OP I think you need to get in touch with the police now that you are home and his behaviour is this bad. They might be able to involve social services and get him sectioned

Oh OP you've tried to help him and he's not willing to listen. Time to get rid of him for the sake of the children. I wish you the very best

Oh, Love, you really need to leave. Can't you and the DC go back to your mum's?

The fact that he can turn it on and off shows that whilst he may have a mental illness, he is capable of controlling himself. He is choosing to inflict this on you and your vulnerable children.

He is choosing to be like this. He is charming to your mum but once she is out of range Mr Shithead comes back - that is his CHOICE.

Please now choose yourself and your children. Your life as a unit of 3 will be so much better. I made my alcoholic depressed H leave. It was hard. He ended up dead. I have zero regrets. Every time I see my DDs laugh, play, do silly crazy stuff I see my decision confirmed. Take that happy future for all your sakes.

Get out of there before he hurts you.!!!!!

FUCK SAKE OP, LEAVE HIM.

You are all right about his behaviour being bad only when he has me, or me and DC - especially DS - isolated.
We moved to a very rural location 6 years ago and he has been spiralling downhill ever since now I think about it.
I feel ashamed and weak. DM is wonderful, she is the best she could ever be but due to severe abuse and trauma in her past she has problems expressing her emotions. I know she loves me. She would do anything for me and DC but she has spent a long time recovering from her childhood and marriage to my dad and she deserves a happy time with my step father. I am one of a very big family - over 10 siblings, which means we have complex changing relationships with each other. I cannot talk to my dad, we are low contact. I am going to my best friends house on Friday. I will need a break. I just want DC rot have a happy childhood and not have all this crap to process, I cannot believe that this is happening. Everything I have worked so hard to avoid. I know its not my fault but also that it is, I feel so ashamed and childish. I just want someone to make it all ok.
I am sorry for being so pathetic and miserable. I need to be strong, I have so much to do, so much work.

I can't go to my mums, she has 4 of my siblings in her 3 bed house atm. DH is easy company compared to my dad and he is abroad atm.
I need DH to leave me and DC here. I think he will go but it will take a while.

I know it is hard for people to understand my thinking, I am co dependant I suppose.
I have never even had a bed to myself, I shared with my younger brothers then with DH. I am not a proper adult
I am going to sleep for a few hours then get up and clean and make the house nice. Keep busy. DH is outside somewhere. He is obsessed with the garden and his vegetables so he won't come in until its dark.
My animals are all very pleased to see me and it is lovely. I feel so muddled up. I think I'll be clearer after a sleep.
Thank you

You need to find the courage to say no more. Insist that he seeks help. You need to withdraw from this toxic relationship

Everything I have worked so hard to avoid. I know its not my fault but also that it is, I feel so ashamed and childish. I just want someone to make it all ok.

Its normal to feel like this.

My shameful secret is that when I had moved into my new house (fled would be a better word), the first night I just broke down sobbing and... wanted H to come and give me hug and fix it all

Feeling weak and afraid is ok.

Just keep ACTING strong because you are, you have already been strong for years, you just don't know how strong yet.

I've never said I am amazing? What an odd comment. I am the daughter of an abused woman who left home at 13 and had her first child at 15 and an abusive man. I met DH, who suffered abuse throughout his childhood when I was 18 and moved in with him within 3 months as he was homeless and I was penniless. I am not in anyway amazing. I am a loving and attentive mother thou, and my DC are outstanding. DS predicted 13 level 9s in GCSEs (waiting for results), DD in all top sets at one of the top 10 schools in the north of England and play county level sport and in a league. So I am, like most women I know, just doing my best and trying to give my DC the best life I can. I am certainly not amazing. I don't think amazing women are reliant on the kindness of strangers to support them thru their problems, but I am doing my best and I am trying to be kind to myself to give myself the strength to get thru this.