Wtf is going on with dh

[holidayharpie]

I'm currently on holiday. DH has been suffering depression for years and done nothing to help himself despite significant support. I work very long hours and in the run up to the holiday I've been working very long hours for a few months. DC 14 and 16 have been complaining about his behaviour and I have found him difficult. This holiday his behaviour has become bizarre. He's been NC with his parents for 20 years and many of his behaviours are identical to his dads. Examples

1. unable to take any criticism or perceived criticism. This may include a look from dd14 if he flicks sand on her etc, not actually criticism. He flies of the handle, shouting, accusations, storming off.
2. constant threats of leaving the place we are at, the holiday and me.
3. his mouth is constantly hanging open, all day and all night, he didn't do this before.
4. biting his nails, his fingers and scratching his nostrils
5. eating everything, all the food to share, all the snacks etc. Literally stuffing handfuls of crisps etc into iOS mouth. He's always been v slim and was a fitness model, he's looking v out of shape. (I am concerned about him not what he looks like)
6. greedy odd behaviour, ordering 3 courses when everyone's having a snack etc. It doesn't bother me for the money or food, but it's very different to his usual self.
7. sleeping 10+ hours a night and snoring, can't wake up, foul tempered when he wakes up.

What's happening to him? We're all on egg shells in case he has a massive tantrum.
This morning dd wanted a pastry, I said 'oh sorry i think your dad just had the last one' and he went berserk, calling me a liar, saying I was turning everyone against him etc. This was on the veranda of the hotel with other guests around.
It's so hard to manage his moods.
Any ideas?

OP what a terrible, terrible story

He's a narc. AND I suspect he has got an underlying MH complaint.

This is a LTB from me. So sorry.

Hope you're home safely and with your mum.

Ask him for a trial separation to give yourself some space, the relief you will feel when he goes will give you the strength to make it permanent.
Because you have been together so long you knew a lot of his behaviour was not down to any meds but was simply him.
Value yourself, and done waste anymore of your precious time with him, show your DC's it's not ok to be treated like this. Ever.
He has shown you his true feelings, contempt for you and the DC's.

Life truly is so short, I hope you make the rest of yours a peaceful and happy one.

So glad your mum is coming. She will have been waiting for this to happen.

You can do it on your own because you have been.
Life will be so much easier without him.

Happy belated birthday! You sound d like a brilliant, fun mum and I don't doubt that you'll be fine on your own. You won't have the anxiety of his behaviour to deal with any more.

So glad you enjoyed the sharks!

Hope you get home safe and sound OP. All the best

Hope you get home safely, you've done so well, and now it's time to start getting him out of your lives.

Oh harpie, I so hope you and your DC are home safe and sound and with your mum now.

So many others have put it so eloquently, but please don't fear being alone. Right now, you're in the worst position - you're in a partnership but you're doing all the work and are being held back, sabotaged, criticised and controlled by someone who wants to go in the opposite direction. This isn't love, and this isn't a team. You will be so much stronger and happier without him, and so will your children. His behaviour on this holiday is beyond reproachable, and needed to happen to show you just how toxic things have become.

It's time to move on, for you and your DC, who will be fine as they have you, and yes, your mum will have been waiting for this to happen.

Sending strength, though to be honest, I don't think you need it - you sound incredible.

Good luck, OP. The best thing you can do now is get legal advice and start telling your support network. We are the stories we tell and if you say to them "I have had enough. I am going to leave my marriage. This is why", you will get the support you need to do it. More importantly, you will believe it too.

It's going to be so much better when you don't have to manage him. Just be prepared for the financial hit as he will have a claim to the assets you built up during the marriage. On the plus side, you won't be dragging him around for the rest of your life. Consider it his "fuck off" payment. Fortunately, your kids are old enough to arrange their own contact.

Make your 41st birthday one to remember too. Totally drama -free.

In all honesty, life will be so much simpler without him in it. Don't worry about not being in a partnership or going it alone. Your life with him sounds absolutely awful, awful, awful.
You've become desensitized to his dreadful behavior.
And the fact that he chooses to just act terribly in private with you says it all.
If severe MH was the issue he certainly couldn't pick and choose his rages, his drama or his hatred. But he does choose it.
Please leave, for your sake, for your children's sake and to find happiness.

I knew you were the OP of the other past threads when I was about three pages in. Your husband is a particular brand of awful, that's how I remembered. Weren't you booking the trip the last time you posted, and everyone said oh God please go on your own with DC? And doesn't he disappear into a garden shed for ridiculous amounts of time? I remember it all distinctly, because he was so horrendous and yet as well as carrying him through life, you'd obviously done loads yourself in terms of work/career/hobbies

Please leave this man. I speak from experience when I say the relief you'll feel will be utterly intoxicating. Right up there with the whale sharks. I guarantee you don't even realise 75% of the low level stress you're under on a daily basis, just by being around this man. So glad your mum is supportive. Honestly OP, I really do wish you well, you've been a Saint

Yep 100% ^

We've all got your back op.

Honestly, take it from us. You don't have to live like that.

I had an ex DH like this, he ruined every bloody event, birthdays, Xmas, holidays with his behaviour. He would argue the grass was red on these days just to ruin them.

You are better off without him.

Get home, leave his luggage out front, call him an Uber and give his mum/dad/sibling/Aunty/etc as the delivery address.

You are too kind and worn down to see how seriously disfunctional his behaviour is. Let someone else see it.

No drama, no crisis for the kids. Just make him stay elsewhere, so you can all have a couple of days rest from dealing with him. Don’t pretend to yourself that your kids aren’t aware of all this ‘talking him down’ that you do every day and night. They need a holiday from him too.

Then go and see a family lawyer, and get things moving. If he gets a shock and earns his way back with adult conversation and active self care, then that’s a possibility for the far future. He can’t seem to pull himself together while with the family. You all just seem to make him worse, no matter how caring/ignoring/concerned/enabling you get.

Take your cue from the lovely whale sharks- serene and sure of their direction in life. Oh, and come to Australia for your next solo holiday. We have them too! Good luck. Power to your arm.

You are such a strong person. You can do this.

You will feel so much lighter when you're not carrying him.

Hope you're journey was uneventful. I am not sure if he got on the plane in the end?

I agree that the fact the thoughtless prick can act perfectly fine in public should tell you all you need to know. He reserves his cuntish behaviour for you and your children. Stop giving him the opportunity.

Drop him at the hospital for a mental health check, he sounds as if he has reached cracking point.
Then plan a future without him for your DC sake.
Good luck 💐

I don’t think you and the children should be alone with him once you are back. It worries me that if he can act like that in a hotel with people around that once you get home and you’re alone he could be worse. Is there anywhere you can stay short term while you sort things out?

How do I stop?
I met him when i was 18. How do you split up from the only man you've ever loved?
How can I?

Only quickly skimmed the thread (thanks @RandomMess for the link) but you absolutely can.

I can only agree that you will feel so much lighter, I do and things have been pretty horrific here and yet every day I smile to myself about something in my new life.

It's not easy, and H was the only man I'd ever loved (since age 20) too.

Feel free to PM me and please keep posting, everyone will talk you through it all with such brilliant advice.

My mum was at the airport to pick her up. He was charming and pleasant. We went to her house, he went with my step father to collect the car whilst we went to my mums. He was lovely whilst we ate and chatted. Got in the car, switch flicked and boom he's off again. Screaming about my 'shitty car' not having any decent music, he's not slept - apparently I slept the whole way which is odd as I remember watching 3 films - 2 with ds and 1 with dd. Got home and there's been a power cut. He went berserk shouting 'fucking cunts' over and over. Dc in bed now and I'm sorting out the huge mess left by am animal sitter I've paid to care for my animals. I feel devastated, sort of hollow. I just want to crawl in bed with dc and cry. But I will be strong.
I have tried to insist he sees a dr. But 'it's not that fucking easy, you haven't a clue have you?' Is the response I get

Well that just shows that a big chunk of this is him being a twat rather than MH as that would show all the time and not be kept just for your pleasure.

It won't be easy but it will be the right thing and you owe it to yourself and your kids.

Big hugs.

Actually, I'd be heading towards ultimatum time.

Either he makes s concerted effort to see a GP, undertake some kind of counselling and really try to help himself - or you leave.