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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wtf is going on with dh

690 replies

holidayharpie · 29/07/2019 23:36

I'm currently on holiday. DH has been suffering depression for years and done nothing to help himself despite significant support. I work very long hours and in the run up to the holiday I've been working very long hours for a few months. DC 14 and 16 have been complaining about his behaviour and I have found him difficult. This holiday his behaviour has become bizarre. He's been NC with his parents for 20 years and many of his behaviours are identical to his dads. Examples

  1. unable to take any criticism or perceived criticism. This may include a look from dd14 if he flicks sand on her etc, not actually criticism. He flies of the handle, shouting, accusations, storming off.
  2. constant threats of leaving the place we are at, the holiday and me.
  3. his mouth is constantly hanging open, all day and all night, he didn't do this before.
  4. biting his nails, his fingers and scratching his nostrils
  5. eating everything, all the food to share, all the snacks etc. Literally stuffing handfuls of crisps etc into iOS mouth. He's always been v slim and was a fitness model, he's looking v out of shape. (I am concerned about him not what he looks like)
  6. greedy odd behaviour, ordering 3 courses when everyone's having a snack etc. It doesn't bother me for the money or food, but it's very different to his usual self.
  7. sleeping 10+ hours a night and snoring, can't wake up, foul tempered when he wakes up.

What's happening to him? We're all on egg shells in case he has a massive tantrum.
This morning dd wanted a pastry, I said 'oh sorry i think your dad just had the last one' and he went berserk, calling me a liar, saying I was turning everyone against him etc. This was on the veranda of the hotel with other guests around.
It's so hard to manage his moods.
Any ideas?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
threemonthstogo · 05/08/2019 21:53

I agree. I left an emotionally abusive relationship a couple of years ago OP and I feel so much less alone now than I did.

I really like the Robin Williams saying: "I used to think the worst thing in life was to be alone, now I realise the worst thing is to be with people that make you feel alone".

Go be with your mum xxx

WhenPushComesToShove · 05/08/2019 21:53

Am so happy you have seen the light. I wish you well on your forward life journey without the 'joy sucker' to impinge you and the children. What a great example you are setting them

choosingchilli · 05/08/2019 22:07

I find it unbelievable, the kindness you show me. You remember my previous idiocy. You don't judge me.
Thank you xxx

You've put up with so much already, it's not idiocy, it's a process you sometimes have to go though to gain clarity. Wishing you strength, you can do this Thanks

2018SoFarSoGreat · 05/08/2019 22:32

no judgment, Harpie

sending you a hug, and strength to get through this next bit. Because you know you need to make the big change. You can do it. You are so much stronger than you believe. We've seen it, read it. So have your DC. They deserve this YOU that you are showing them today. Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 05/08/2019 22:50

Oh please let your mum pick you up. Please let her be there for you. It's as much for her as it is for you.

What do you do next? You see a family law solicitor. That's what you do. It doesn't have to mean you're doing anything legally now, or even tomorrow. But you do need to be educated as to your legal position, your alternatives, and what you can expect if you decide to go forward with separation or divorce.

ohfourfoxache · 05/08/2019 22:58

I’ve been thinking about your posts tonight.

PPs are right, you are on your own already. But worse than that, you’re alone but having to put up with his shit, so you’ve actually got it even harder.

Can you imagine how much easier it will be without him?

Original poster
holidayharpie · 05/08/2019 23:00

I just found out he ditched all his snorkelling gear, sunglasses and sandals at the rental car place.
Said 'I won't need these again'
To ds. Why does he have to upset everyone all the time. So fucking selfish.

OP posts:
Original poster
holidayharpie · 05/08/2019 23:01

Boarding now.
Thanks everyone

OP posts:
NewMe2019 · 05/08/2019 23:07

I think he knows exactly what he's doing. The locking himself in is pathetic and attention seeking, he really has done his level best to try and ruin this for you OP. Funny how he has enough control that these episodes don't happen in public, only private.

Dancinggertrude · 05/08/2019 23:21

Wow
So sorry for you OP
I cannot wait for the post that says you’ve put his stuff in bin bags on the drive and kicked his miserable controlling abusive arse to the kerb.
Safe flight.

BumbleBeee69 · 05/08/2019 23:23

he sounds utterly self consumed using his mental health to control bully and manipulate. welcome home Flowers

peekyboo · 05/08/2019 23:56

He doesn't have time to get a job, he's too busy finding new ways to terrorise his own family.

Fontofnoknowledge · 06/08/2019 00:03

Unfortunately OP, suffering mental health difficulties AND being a first class self absorbed fuckwit -are not mutually exclusive. In fact I think this is almost certainly the case.

You have cared for, pandered to and tiptoed around him for years BECAUSE of his illness. The downside being that this has lead him to expect you to behave this way.

Add to that some kind of massive change be that organic (maybe frontal lobe disturbance) of some ilk ) or chemical (drug side effects) and you have (as you know) a nightmare on your hands.

If you can, contact psychiatrist/crisis team. As soon as you can.

Fontofnoknowledge · 06/08/2019 00:03

Unfortunately OP, suffering mental health difficulties AND being a first class self absorbed fuckwit -are not mutually exclusive. In fact I think this is almost certainly the case.

You have cared for, pandered to and tiptoed around him for years BECAUSE of his illness. The downside being that this has lead him to expect you to behave this way.

Add to that some kind of massive change be that organic (maybe frontal lobe disturbance) of some ilk ) or chemical (drug side effects) and you have (as you know) a nightmare on your hands.

If you can, contact psychiatrist/crisis team. As soon as you can.

Fontofnoknowledge · 06/08/2019 00:04

Unfortunately OP, suffering mental health difficulties AND being a first class self absorbed fuckwit -are not mutually exclusive. In fact I think this is almost certainly the case.

You have cared for, pandered to and tiptoed around him for years BECAUSE of his illness. The downside being that this has lead him to expect you to behave this way.

Add to that some kind of massive change be that organic (maybe frontal lobe disturbance) of some ilk ) or chemical (drug side effects) and you have (as you know) a nightmare on your hands.

If you can, contact psychiatrist/crisis team. As soon as you can.

Fontofnoknowledge · 06/08/2019 00:04

Unfortunately OP, suffering mental health difficulties AND being a first class self absorbed fuckwit -are not mutually exclusive. In fact I think this is almost certainly the case.

You have cared for, pandered to and tiptoed around him for years BECAUSE of his illness. The downside being that this has lead him to expect you to behave this way.

Add to that some kind of massive change be that organic (maybe frontal lobe disturbance) of some ilk ) or chemical (drug side effects) and you have (as you know) a nightmare on your hands.

If you can, contact psychiatrist/crisis team. As soon as you can.

Fontofnoknowledge · 06/08/2019 00:05

Unfortunately OP, suffering mental health difficulties AND being a first class self absorbed fuckwit -are not mutually exclusive. In fact I think this is almost certainly the case.

You have cared for, pandered to and tiptoed around him for years BECAUSE of his illness. The downside being that this has lead him to expect you to behave this way.

Add to that some kind of massive change be that organic (maybe frontal lobe disturbance) of some ilk ) or chemical (drug side effects) and you have (as you know) a nightmare on your hands.

If you can, contact psychiatrist/crisis team. As soon as you can.

Ellabella234 · 06/08/2019 00:26

Sending you strength. You sound frigging awesome and you can and will get through whatever lies ahead. X

Ellabella234 · 06/08/2019 00:26

Sending you strength. You sound frigging awesome and you can and will get through whatever lies ahead. X

Blondebakingmumma · 06/08/2019 01:13

The fact that your ‘d’ h can act appropriately in public and is only difficult in private makes me suspect he is just an abusive prick and not having a mental break. I hope
You have the strength to break away when you get home

Weenurse · 06/08/2019 01:55

Sounds like you know what you need to do. Good luck

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/08/2019 03:06

Oh Harpie - what a dick he is. But he's hopefully making it easier for you to say "Enough".
Tell your mum everything - and I hope she supports you in getting shot of him. You don't need to do this any more - your kids don't need this any more.

You CAN do it on your own - let's face it, you have been for most of your life anyway, haven't you?! What has he actually contributed in a positive way? Once you break it down, you'll realise that his negatives far outweigh his positives and that you'll be much better able to deal with everything without him dragging you down.

Thanks to you and I hope your Mum is really supportive and helpful. xx

MirzyMoo · 06/08/2019 03:34

Oh @holidayharpie i had an extremely bad reaction to Mitrazapine, i lost my eyesight, ended up feeling drunk, falling over, angry, ending in an emergency admission to hospital. I cannot begin to tell you how awful the side affects were, and as soon as i was admitted with pressure behind my eyes, they stopped the Mitrazapine immediately. Awful awful tablets.

MsKhan · 06/08/2019 04:03

Op can I say, you sound absolutely amazing.

Your husband sounds absolutely terrifying. I don't know if you are brave or naive for consistently 'talking him down' and talking him out of the bathroom while in a remote location with your dc.

I would have been frightened for my and dcs lives and probably fled with my dc.

I am so glad you have all boarded safely.

Please get him to a doctor and out of your lives ASAP.

Ps happy belated birthday FlowersCake

mamakoukla · 06/08/2019 04:19

Safe journeys home and beyond. Sometimes we need to make decisions for ourselves. And that’s okay. You sound lovely; take care. Xxxxx