Wtf is going on with dh

[holidayharpie]

I'm currently on holiday. DH has been suffering depression for years and done nothing to help himself despite significant support. I work very long hours and in the run up to the holiday I've been working very long hours for a few months. DC 14 and 16 have been complaining about his behaviour and I have found him difficult. This holiday his behaviour has become bizarre. He's been NC with his parents for 20 years and many of his behaviours are identical to his dads. Examples

1. unable to take any criticism or perceived criticism. This may include a look from dd14 if he flicks sand on her etc, not actually criticism. He flies of the handle, shouting, accusations, storming off.
2. constant threats of leaving the place we are at, the holiday and me.
3. his mouth is constantly hanging open, all day and all night, he didn't do this before.
4. biting his nails, his fingers and scratching his nostrils
5. eating everything, all the food to share, all the snacks etc. Literally stuffing handfuls of crisps etc into iOS mouth. He's always been v slim and was a fitness model, he's looking v out of shape. (I am concerned about him not what he looks like)
6. greedy odd behaviour, ordering 3 courses when everyone's having a snack etc. It doesn't bother me for the money or food, but it's very different to his usual self.
7. sleeping 10+ hours a night and snoring, can't wake up, foul tempered when he wakes up.

What's happening to him? We're all on egg shells in case he has a massive tantrum.
This morning dd wanted a pastry, I said 'oh sorry i think your dad just had the last one' and he went berserk, calling me a liar, saying I was turning everyone against him etc. This was on the veranda of the hotel with other guests around.
It's so hard to manage his moods.
Any ideas?

I do wonder if he's having a manic episode? Some of things he's doing sound similar to how a friend of mine with bipolar can behave during a episode. However whatever is going on, neither you or your dc deserve to be constantly walking on egg shells or feeling afraid. Get some distance between you when you get home, prioritise yourself and your dc. it might give him a wake up call to get further help. His behaviour is going to end up making your dc feel the same way about him as he feels about his own father.

I do wonder if he's having a manic episode? Some of things he's doing sound similar to how a friend of mine with bipolar can behave during a episode. However whatever is going on, neither you or your dc deserve to be constantly walking on egg shells or feeling afraid. Get some distance between you when you get home, prioritise yourself and your dc. it might give him a wake up call to get further help. His behaviour is going to end up making your dc feel the same way about him as he feels about his own father.

I do wonder if he's having a manic episode? Some of things he's doing sound similar to how a friend of mine with bipolar can behave during a episode. However whatever is going on, neither you or your dc deserve to be constantly walking on egg shells or feeling afraid. Get some distance between you when you get home, prioritise yourself and your dc. it might give him a wake up call to get further help. His behaviour is going to end up making your dc feel the same way about him as he feels about his own father.

Sorry MN is having a wobble. I never posted that multiple times

Your last night sounds lovely, well done. Now hold onto the memory of that night and the knowledge that your and your children's whole lives could feel that good EVERY day without your DH in the picture.
Whether he needs to sort his medication is his own problem but you only get one shot at your children's childhood.

Don't let him suck the life out of you whatever happens, OP.
I stayed with my 'd'h for far too long putting up with his dementerish behaviour and he refused to acknowledge he was depressed telling me that I was.
Now, at 63, 42nd anniversary coming up, I'm part way through a horrendous divorce, but at least, I hope, the end is in sight.
Make sure you take care of yourself, whatever else you do.

Today he's claiming all poor behaviour is due to serious physical illness. When I have not engaged with him on this, offering unlimited sympathy (there's no sign of illness and not been mentioned before) he's locked himself in the bathroom.

One very odd thing is his total change in language. He's using expressions and speaking in a really odd way. He's also walking in an incredibly hunched way with his hands clasped behind his back.

His eating is really bizarre. It's all just too much.

Sounds like he needs to see a Dr asap. All sou D's very odd.

Hm, it seems people on this thread are torn between two interpretations:

1. he is having a psychotic break down.
2. he's a selfish prick.

But there's also the third option, that 3) both are true. He can both be very ill and also fundamentally a prick.

Either way, you should not feel guilty about saying you can't or just don't want to deal with this/him anymore. It might be time to think about calling in some professional help for the psychosis, and also extracting yourself from the marriage because he's a prick. It sounds like you and your kids would be much happier if you did.

Oh op this is heartbreaking to read.
Bless you. This is too much for one woman to cope with alone.

Well that he’s saying he’s ill is a good signal towards what to do.
Call a doctor for him, say you were worried.
At least it either gets him help or calls his bluff.
Then when the doctor comes to look for his physical symptoms explain openly how threatened you feel.

If he's saying it's a physical illness, he needs to get to hospital.

You need to call medical assistance , do it behind his back.

He's also walking in an incredibly hunched way with his hands clasped behind his back

Tardive Dyskinesia? Many years ago I worked with a man who took strong anti-psychotic meds. He walked and held himself very stiffly, also hunched over, in an effort to stop the involuntary movements characteristic of TD.

But I do agree with others, if he is able to control his outbursts to only in private, then he's doing it on purpose. Mental Illness does not preclude manipulative and controlling behaviour. In some cases, it accentuates it. He's been controlling you for years with his tantrums. He now sees you are getting tired of it and are starting to recognize his behaviors and break free. You can expect either an acceleration of these behaviours or an abrupt volte face into being extremely 'nice'. Both to get you off balance.

Agree with others, it is possible he’s struggling with MH issues, feels physically unwell, but is also choosing to behave like a total shit in private.

Have you called a doctor? I really think you should. If he's saying it's physical then he won't refuse treatment will he? And if he's just being a twat then he can explain himself to a medical professional and will look like a fool but as others have said I suspect he's both being a twat and having a psychotic episode needing treatment and it could escalate quite fast. You need to make sure you and the dc are safe too.

I agree with others, medical help is needed now.

I wouldn't give this any more head space than you need to right now. You need to enjoy the last bits of your holidays and get safely home. Then it's time to get your head straight and realise that you owe this man nothing, and you owe your DC a good life. It doesn't matter that you've been with him since you were 18. He is making your life hell, he makes your DC walk on eggshells, he brings nothing positive and illness or no, he is able to decide to behave hideously when he wants to - that is, when it makes you miserable.

Time to ditch him.

Don't fucking talk him out of the toilet this time. Offer nothing.

I remember your previous thread(s).
Hasn't he been faffing for years about doing some niche job but wouldn't ever commit to it.. Artist or similar?
You've done enough time at the coal face here, you need to just do what suits you and the children. Wishing you well

This all sounds frightening. I would want him to leave asap.

I remember your previous thread(s).
Hasn't he been faffing for years about doing some niche job but wouldn't ever commit to it.. Artist or similar?

Oh God - not one of those precious frustrated creatives who never actually put pen to paper ...... entitled, arrogant, deluded.

There was a thread on here recently about these types and the women they keep gas-lit and grinding away at the coal face.

You said all these things are new and bizarre. He needs medical care or you need advice from his GP, now.

He needs to see a Dr and he needs to see one fast

He needs to see a Dr and he needs to see one fast