Wtf is going on with dh

[holidayharpie]

I'm currently on holiday. DH has been suffering depression for years and done nothing to help himself despite significant support. I work very long hours and in the run up to the holiday I've been working very long hours for a few months. DC 14 and 16 have been complaining about his behaviour and I have found him difficult. This holiday his behaviour has become bizarre. He's been NC with his parents for 20 years and many of his behaviours are identical to his dads. Examples

1. unable to take any criticism or perceived criticism. This may include a look from dd14 if he flicks sand on her etc, not actually criticism. He flies of the handle, shouting, accusations, storming off.
2. constant threats of leaving the place we are at, the holiday and me.
3. his mouth is constantly hanging open, all day and all night, he didn't do this before.
4. biting his nails, his fingers and scratching his nostrils
5. eating everything, all the food to share, all the snacks etc. Literally stuffing handfuls of crisps etc into iOS mouth. He's always been v slim and was a fitness model, he's looking v out of shape. (I am concerned about him not what he looks like)
6. greedy odd behaviour, ordering 3 courses when everyone's having a snack etc. It doesn't bother me for the money or food, but it's very different to his usual self.
7. sleeping 10+ hours a night and snoring, can't wake up, foul tempered when he wakes up.

What's happening to him? We're all on egg shells in case he has a massive tantrum.
This morning dd wanted a pastry, I said 'oh sorry i think your dad just had the last one' and he went berserk, calling me a liar, saying I was turning everyone against him etc. This was on the veranda of the hotel with other guests around.
It's so hard to manage his moods.
Any ideas?

Your trip looks amazing OP. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, you are right to put your kids and yourself first. Big hug x

Get home safely

OP you've had your wonderful experience and I'm happy for you. But please don't put yourself or your children at risk. Can you get a separate room?

I'm really sorry that he's still being an arse but so glad that you've had an amazing time! Stay safe and do what is best for you and your children

If you look back at other holidays, is this just an extreme version of the shenanigans he's pulled then?

I wouldn't be surprised if he's ruined most family occasions, especially as on holiday you are away from your support system.

You should look up @jamaisjedor threads so many similar traits with her STBXH

Sorry @jamaisjedors

The thing that stands out for me is the fact that he is not sharing his medical issues with you.

If he were open in his struggle with MH issues, told you that he was trying a new medical regime, and what possibly side effects might be, you could work with him. Instead you have had to root through his suitcase to even find what medication he was on.

Leaving the MH issues aside, this is not a partnership. He is behaving selfishly and you are being expected to deal with the consequences. He is not giving you any consideration. You can see it, and don't lose sight of that. LTB.

Randommess would you mind linking the threads - I was unable to find them - or summarise the similarities and outcome?

RandonMess !

3rd time RandomMess - sorry fat fingers

Don't think I can on the app as I am too technically inept.

All about "sulking DH"

DIVORCING sulking DH should bring up the most recent thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3637219-DIVORCING-sulking-H

Thanks RM - all 4 threads on this link

Op I'm so glad you got your dream they look like some amazing photos and the experience will stay with you forever please look after yourself and DC

@holidayharpie is there anyone in the hotel you could chat to? Even having seperate rooms for you and the kids might be a short term solution. Have you rang family at home to let them know what's going on?

I so hope you can either get him proper help or get him out when you get home.
Good luck OP. Be safe.

I think you need to think about the flight home. Will he be fine on the plane? Is he usually ok travelling? Will he be happy to e going home and therefore be fine, or is he actually not in control of his behaviour?

He'll fall asleep on the flight home, and mortify dc by snoring. That's the thing. He only ever does his outbursts in private. He'll have us all walking on egg shells constantly but the outbursts are only ever in private.
I pulled off a feat of outstanding excellence tonight, even if I say so myself. Moved from remote nature resort with no ac etc to a last minute deal on a fancy 5* hotel in Cancun. Managed to get a full refund on what we'd booked by calmly explaining to the woman manager. DH utterly bamboozled by the swap, locked himself in the loo and was incredibly grumpy. I took dc to a restaurant on the waterfront that was terribly expensive but affordable due to the refund and the cheap deal. The food was great. We danced like silly tourists, we laughed and laughed. The manager gave dd sparklers and a huge pudding. It was a super super night. When we got back dh disappeared to the reception.
What a fool he is.
Ds said 'goodnight mum, thanks for the funnest night ever'
I need to hold on to this. I've put up with too much.
As has the lovely lady with the sulky dh. Why have I endured this?
How do I stop?
I met him when i was 18. How do you split up from the only man you've ever loved?
How can I?
Thank you all, you are so kind.

The fact that he only has outbursts around you, only locks himself in the bathroom when you are upset proves (imo) that he is choosing to act this way.

The newer issues particularly related to food may well be side effects but no medicine can make you behave badly only in specific scenarios.
I am so pleased you had a great experience and evening, try to imagine being free to make choices and be openly happy every day, not just a one off!

Harpie - you've outgrown your 18yo self, and you've outgrown him. You don't love him any more, certainly not the man he is now. He certainly doesn't love you - not in any conventional sense.

Your DC have just given you the biggest impetus to get out now - you've had a great evening without your emotional vampire husband.

You'll find that, once you do get rid of him, a millstone will lift off your shoulders - and what happens after that could be anything, you might even find real love with a person who can actually love you back - but even if you don't, you'll still be better off on your own than with this lifesucker.

Because this is not good enough for your DC and is doing your children deep emotional harm.

You cannot give your best to your DC as your emotionally preoccupied and drained by this man. The night you had with your DCs - the joy and freedom is how is could and should be 24/7.

He has proved that he can control his actions, and that his behaviour is not a result of his MH. If it was then he’d be like this all the time - but he can turn it on and off at the flick of a switch.

Jamais’ Thread is well worth a read, she’s also dealing with an abusive cunt who also happens to have MH problems.

I think the starting point is to tell people you trust.
It’s really hard but really the situation is out of your hands, you’re putting your children at risk of real damage by staying. None of it your fault, but there comes a point where their safety and psychological well being trumps your right to the love you still feel for your dh .
It’s really tough. You have to leave though.