Wtf is going on with dh

[holidayharpie]

I'm currently on holiday. DH has been suffering depression for years and done nothing to help himself despite significant support. I work very long hours and in the run up to the holiday I've been working very long hours for a few months. DC 14 and 16 have been complaining about his behaviour and I have found him difficult. This holiday his behaviour has become bizarre. He's been NC with his parents for 20 years and many of his behaviours are identical to his dads. Examples

1. unable to take any criticism or perceived criticism. This may include a look from dd14 if he flicks sand on her etc, not actually criticism. He flies of the handle, shouting, accusations, storming off.
2. constant threats of leaving the place we are at, the holiday and me.
3. his mouth is constantly hanging open, all day and all night, he didn't do this before.
4. biting his nails, his fingers and scratching his nostrils
5. eating everything, all the food to share, all the snacks etc. Literally stuffing handfuls of crisps etc into iOS mouth. He's always been v slim and was a fitness model, he's looking v out of shape. (I am concerned about him not what he looks like)
6. greedy odd behaviour, ordering 3 courses when everyone's having a snack etc. It doesn't bother me for the money or food, but it's very different to his usual self.
7. sleeping 10+ hours a night and snoring, can't wake up, foul tempered when he wakes up.

What's happening to him? We're all on egg shells in case he has a massive tantrum.
This morning dd wanted a pastry, I said 'oh sorry i think your dad just had the last one' and he went berserk, calling me a liar, saying I was turning everyone against him etc. This was on the veranda of the hotel with other guests around.
It's so hard to manage his moods.
Any ideas?

Hope all is ok there, sounds extremely trying

Happy Birthday! I hope you have a wonderful day and experience. I'm guessing whale sharks off the Yucatán or something in the Galapagos 😊🤞

I'm sorry for everything you are going through, think you've got some great advice here though and like PPs I hope this birthday will be the start of a new era for you.

And I did it!!

Omg
Best day ever.
You guessed it, you clever clever nest of vipers. I was swimming with whale sharks off Isla Holbox
I saw a tv about 'biggest' animals when I was about 8 and have been obsessed with whale shark ever since. I saw manta rays years ago and became more obsessed!
We had a private boat and a proper marine conservation crew. We saw dolphins too and ds caught a tuna and ate it. Best day ever. Omg.
I am high on life.

I know I sound like a dick but I cannot thank you enough. You got me thru that night. Thank you.

@Evenkeel yep, you've got me. I am a co dependant mess but I am improving and changing, thank you for caring.

When you commented on my thread and shared your kindness you meant so much to me. I haven't known much kindness in my life. Thank you so so much

I am utterly overwhelmed
Xxxxx

Happy birthday @holidayharpie
Congratulations on fulfilling your dream, it sounds amazing!!

Brilliant update. Hope you can bottle that feeling and take it home with you. You deserve to be happy.

Oh wow, Harpie - I am so thrilled for you that you got to do that! A friend of mine did that off the coast of Western Australia a couple of years ago and I've been hanging to do it myself ever since! (Getting a bit old now so will have to get my skates on )

So so exciting. And glad that your husband didn't manage to totally trash everything for you.

Now you just need to work out what you want to do longterm, when you get back to the UK - get him off those meds to start with and then start planning. Get everything ready so that you can leave him if you need to - only you can decide if that's what you actually want to do - then if there is another crisis, you can just get up and go, knowing you have stuff in place for it to work.

xx

I know, you are right. I am not leaving thou. I bought my house. I redecorated it and bought all the furniture. I am staying in my house. I chose it. All my animals live there. It's mine. But he must change or leave. I agree. Thank you

Great to hear you so happy. I'm delighted your special day loved up to your dream.

Next steps when you get home. Be strong. Stay resolute. You can do this.

Lived up.

Bloody predictive text.

Wow so glad you had such an amazing birthday! You deserve it op x

I feel bad asking how things are with DH? X

It sounds like an anxiety state when awake then crashing out as probably knackered. My Db was like this recently and was put on Pregabalin. It has helped.

What an amazing day! I'm so glad it went so well for you, you really deserved it! Now get yourself and the kids home and start building that peaceful, happy feeling in your everyday life. Get your friends and family up to speed on what's happened, then deliver DH the ultimatum = get help or get out!

Followed this whole thread. I don't have any new advice to add that hasn't been suggested by you clever and empathetic lot however I wanted to wish you a very happy belated 40th birthday and congratulate you on still enjoying yourself and keeping you all safe which I have no doubt has been challenging.

Fantastic! So glad it worked out!

Hope this gives you strength to go home and change the rest of your life. You deserve it.

Wow! How amazing that you achieved this. Hope that feeling helps you when you get back home and talk about the changes you want to make.

When you commented on my thread and shared your kindness you meant so much to me. I haven't known much kindness in my life. Thank you so so much

This is really sad. You would like a giver who has been surrounded by and exploited by takers. There are lots of kind people in RL you need to edit out your friends and family and find nice people.

You have worked so so hard to give your children a home and this millstone of a DH has done nothing to contribute - and even proactively disrupts everything you do. This will just escalate. You need to throw him overboard to the sharks so that you and your children have a calm and peaceful home.

Relationships are all that matter in life. Your relationship with your DCs is being drained, compromised, distorted as you have to give emotional and physical energy, headspace and time to manage his nonsense.....to no improvement - he just chucks another bigger spanner in the works.

Your DC need at least parent who is stable and 100% positively focused on them. Your DH is neither or these and you trying to fill all of the gaps he has left means that you cannot give them this either. You will end up exhausted and depressed and then they will have no one.

holidayharpie I'm so glad you made your dreams a reality but very concerned that things are still continuing. It's a lot clearer now that this latest crisis might be incidentally connected to the meds, but is part of a massively bigger picture.

Honestly I think the best advice is to work in the short term on getting home safely as quickly as possible (particularly you and dcs), but beyond that, in my view you do need to detach. Easier said than done, I know, but this has gone on long enough and you've put up with so much.

I hope that the wonder you have found on your trip and on MN stays with you long enough so that you know how life is and can be for you and your children - inspired, supportive and surrounded by kindness - and that this is your goal for you and be your DC.

Your DH is impossible and the situation is intolerable. The drug change episode has just heightened and highlighted is already bad behaviour.

Whale sharks?? You can actually swim with whale sharks? Oh. My. God. Can you touch them? What an amazing, incredible experience. How wonderful that you got to do that.

Good luck with sorting things when you get home. I hope your DH gets the help he needs, whether thats in the house or out of it, and you go on to find some real kindness in your life.

And again... whale sharks. Mind blown.

holidayharpie
Im glad you got to live your dream even for just a short time.

You might think of name changing as there might be identifying posts you made?

Congratulations on your whale shark experience. When do you head home? What are your next moves?

Glad you had a good time.

He won't change though. I also don't know why you'd spend an hour talking him out of a bathroom...just let him stay there and do your own thing. He gets off on the attention.

I am so glad that you had this experience - I too have been reading this thread, but had nothing to add to the wisdom of those giving such good advice.

I think you already know he won't change though.

It is such a classic manoevre by toxic people - to try to ruin the big moments, the special birthdays, the big occasions. That isn't about mental illness, as someone else who has suffered severely spoke about very early in the thread. It's about toxicity. Well done on not letting that happen and on having your special time. Stay strong, and hold this in your heart - this is how your life can be without him holding you back and dragging you down.

Sending you and your children lots of love.

From the pics you posted I thought it looked like the Yucatan, or somewhere on the south-eastern coast of Mexico. But I couldn't figure out what you were doing. I'm so glad you got to realize your dream. My son recently spent time in Cancun as a jumping off spot for one of his dreams; traveling to Cuba.

Technically US citizens 'aren't allowed' to visit Cuba, or rather the State Dept makes it very, very difficult. But using a non-US airline and Cancun as the jumping off spot makes it much easier.

Crossing off 'bucket list' items is so satisfying, isn't it?