Wtf is going on with dh

[holidayharpie]

I'm currently on holiday. DH has been suffering depression for years and done nothing to help himself despite significant support. I work very long hours and in the run up to the holiday I've been working very long hours for a few months. DC 14 and 16 have been complaining about his behaviour and I have found him difficult. This holiday his behaviour has become bizarre. He's been NC with his parents for 20 years and many of his behaviours are identical to his dads. Examples

1. unable to take any criticism or perceived criticism. This may include a look from dd14 if he flicks sand on her etc, not actually criticism. He flies of the handle, shouting, accusations, storming off.
2. constant threats of leaving the place we are at, the holiday and me.
3. his mouth is constantly hanging open, all day and all night, he didn't do this before.
4. biting his nails, his fingers and scratching his nostrils
5. eating everything, all the food to share, all the snacks etc. Literally stuffing handfuls of crisps etc into iOS mouth. He's always been v slim and was a fitness model, he's looking v out of shape. (I am concerned about him not what he looks like)
6. greedy odd behaviour, ordering 3 courses when everyone's having a snack etc. It doesn't bother me for the money or food, but it's very different to his usual self.
7. sleeping 10+ hours a night and snoring, can't wake up, foul tempered when he wakes up.

What's happening to him? We're all on egg shells in case he has a massive tantrum.
This morning dd wanted a pastry, I said 'oh sorry i think your dad just had the last one' and he went berserk, calling me a liar, saying I was turning everyone against him etc. This was on the veranda of the hotel with other guests around.
It's so hard to manage his moods.
Any ideas?

Do try the hotel manager though. I lived in a developing country for a few years. Find the right person, and they know everyone. A lot works through personal contacts.

It's not fair.
Life is not fair.
This is not fair on you or your DC.
But I would hold out some hope as a PP has outlined how this drug affected her DH, but ultimately it's been a godsend after the settling in period.
I would give it another couple of weeks and see if things improve on these new meds.
If not then you know it's time to protect yourself and your DC.

Oh OP, this really isn't fair. The long and short term situations you are describing are intolerable.

My best advice - the plan I've followed in crises - is to split the situation into two boxes. One is 'immediate', the other is 'later'. IOn the 'later' box are things you can park until the immediate crisis is over - when you have some more rest and sleep and are not facing a big immediate crisis. You don't have to solve the problem of your whole marriage right now, when you are in this extraordinary and difficult situation, in other words. You only have to deal with the 'immediate' business - ensuring you and your children are safe, and working out what you do about getting all of you (including your husband) home. This also gives you time to develop a proper battle plan for your long term future, once you've been able to talk this through with friends and family, look at practical alternative housing arrangements, arrange a support plan for your husband etc.

My heart goes out to you, it really does.

I really feel for you, did you tell the medical insurance about his meds ?

The GPs and Drs can only go by what he tells them.

If he's minimised, mis-described or mis-represented his symptoms, they aren't to know and can only treat and prescribe according to his self reported (and inaccurate) symptoms.

I'm travelling today but will keep checking in. I am so grateful for all the kindness and support, there is little kindness here but I am going to just focus on DC. Thanks everyone.

Sending a hand hold to you @holidayharpie

I knew by the end of the first page of the thread that it might be Mirtazipine. I intended to post asking if he could be on new meds that you didn’t know about!

I managed four weeks on Mirtazipine before my husband intervened and helped me see that I was having an exceptionally bad reaction.
I couldn’t stop eating and genuinely felt starving the whole time.
I put on a stone and a half!
I didn’t feel like I could make my face do the expressions I wanted it to.
I was coming home from work and going to bed, only getting up for food and sleeping 12+hrs.
I felt dangerously out of control of myself and completely disconnected from reality.
I had gone on them for anxiety but my anxiety was sky high, I became paranoid that everyone around me thought I was nuts and hated me 👌😬
I have never been a snorer and was then snoring every night and couldn’t be roused from sleep at all.

@XXcstatic has written some excellent posts here 👍

• Make no long term decisions now.
• Detach your current situation from past events with him if possible.
• Try to think of him as a medical emergency rather than a selfish individual (just till this situation is over!)
• Gather the contacts and details you could need if this escalates (consulate etc as he may become unfit to fly on a commercial flight)
• Consider arranging to go home as soon as possible after your once in a lifetime experience.

Are you all safe to make it to the day after your big event? If yes then you can deal with the rest once you get home.
Just know that if this is drug induced (which in my opinion it definitely is) he could continue to deteriorate or deteriorate more quickly as time goes on. Take nothing for granted, e.g: you cannot trust that his previous limits on actually harming himself won’t change suddenly.

Wishing you the best possible outcome x

Some psycho-active medications do make you abnormally hungry.

This poor man sounds quite ill - I am sorry for him and for all of you, especially as this is on holiday.

It's not fair. I only had this for a year, I lost 2 stone, hardly slept and started doubting my own sanity. I can't believe you dealt with it for so long. Really abnormal behaviour starts to seem OK as it's better than what has gone before.

It's the up front and insidious effects on a spouse that are so awful.

@holidayharpie

I hope you get to your destination today safely and without incident. This is such a horrible time for you and your poor DC. Really, if your husband is mentally ill he should never ever have gone on that trip with you. However, you now need to ensure that you and your DC are safe for the rest of the trip. I think, like another poster said, you need to focus on the immediate actions right now and leave the rest until you get home. So make sure you have the embassy telephone number and a person you can contact at the travel company / hotel / group whatever, who can intervene if needs be. Could you arrange separate rooms tonight for him and you and the DC? You need to get some rest, you sound exhaust ed. I know this is a trip you wanted for a long time, but be prepared to walk away, you can make a plan for another time, focus on what is best for you and your DC right now, sometimes it takes a crisis to make us change our lives for the better.

Stay in touch on here, there are lots of people with good advice and knowledge.

How timely that he improved so much before you booked and then went downhill again in time to spoil your lifelong dream trip.

He is ill, no doubt. But he sounds like a terrible person to live with, especially for your children.

Nothing helpful to add, just to say thinking of you OP 💐

Thinking of you OP I hope you find some enjoyment from your special event this week

How could she have told the insurance company about the new meds? He wouldn't tell her what they were. She dug them out whilst he was asleep to inform this thread.

He has threatened suicide and self harm for over 10 years but never actually hurt himself in any way. It tends to happen if I cry about his behaviour.

OP as well as being ill he sounds incredibly manipulative. My dad is an alcoholic, very different in many ways I know. But if anyone tries to tackle him about his behaviour he is similarly manipulative. Yes he's ill, but he's also a wanker. Once you've got through this crisis, I don't think anyone would blame you for getting out of this marriage.

My ex has depression. But he was always a wanker first, and depressive second. My DCs have been diagnosed with depression; they haven't turned into arseholes.

Such good advice by @Flashesofrage ❤️

I think you have two separate issues here, @holidayharpie - the immediate crisis which sounds like awful medication side effects and the underlying depression/trauma/possible personality disorder your husband has been suffering in the long term.

The “walking on eggshells” that you all have to do around him, the manipulation, threats of suicide etc. all sound like my Mother who my counsellor thinks has Borderline Personality disorder which as well as making her very unstable, has made her extremely manipulative, narcissistic, controlling yet neglectful at the same time. The result is hypervigilance and constant fear, walking on eggshells, everything you and your dc are suffering. If you can get home safely, I think you need to think very carefully about the possibility of your husband EVER changing and taking responsibility for not only his own health but the effect his illness and behaviour is having on you and the children. You may all be much better if you and your husband separate. I wish my Dad had left my mother and taken my siblings and I.

In the short term, is he ever lucid enough to talk to you about his meds; how long he’s been on them, is this a completely new drug or has he upped the dose etc. It may be that he needs to titrate down and get off them once home but if you can’t get him to talk calmly to you about them then I think you need to either get home ASAP or get a separate apartment for you and the dcs. What an awful situation for you.

I hope you enjoy the event x

OP, if his behaviour is escalating (I don't know a lot about MH or drug side effects) I think you should consider calling a doctor out to see him where you are. You say you're in a developing country, but assuming you're staying in a hotel and you're at some kind of relatively well know tourist event, I assure you there will be private doctors available and your hotel will be able to recommend (they probably have a list they keep of doctors for these things). Yes, you'll have to pay (although your travel insurance may pay out on your return) but his behaviour sounds completely over the top and I'd be worried that this time he MIGHT hurt himself. Or you or the DC. Also, extremely erratic behaviour, if it continues to deteriorate, will be a problem on your attempt to return - airlines wouldn't let him on a plane if they felt his behaviour was too dangerous.

As a rule, I get extremely frustrated when people suggest that a Dh who's behaving like an arse has mental health problems because in most cases, they're clearly just abusive dicks. . But in this case, it seems far more severe than him being manipulative and abusive. The mouth thing, the eating thing, the foetal position in the bathroom thing - these are all physical manifestations of something more than just a man who is badly behaved.

If he's undiagnosed bipolar, anti-depressants can make things much worse. Mirtazapine can trigger manic episodes among other things.

Can you find out what he was taking before, and did they wean him off as they added the new? Stopping medication abruptly/changing too quickly can cause terrible side effects.
Does he take any other meds or supplements?

Here's a list of drug interactions and side effects:
www.medicinenet.com/mirtazapine/article.htm#which_drugs_or_supplements_interact_with_mirtazapine

Please find a way to contact his MH providers.

My god OP. You are a saint for putting up with that man and basically carrying him through life. Your relationship is unbelievably one-sided. You provide financial, emotional and mental support to your H and in return he drains you in every conceivable way.

I hope that you have a lovely day and get to enjoy your excursion with your kids.

I also hope when you get home you take a good long look at what you get out of this marriage. I suspect it's very little and you already know that. Both you and your kids deserve better.

I would hang on for the special event but maybe look at a different room from him. You can’t keep living with someone who scares you.

OP the more I read the sorrrier I feel for you. This man is ill - and a big thanks to those who have given such stellar advice from a medical standpoint - but is also an asshole. You, and your children deserve so much better.

Happy birthday whenever it is.

I'm holding you in my thoughts.

Hope you’ve all had a better day today X

Thanks for asking. Yesterday was better. I did a 'cold hard voice of truth' and detached completely and told him he would be taken to the airport and left at a hotel if he continued.
Unfortunately we have been put back a day here so I am in a very hot little town waiting, excited. Last night I totally ignored him.
You are right, he is ill, his medication is making him worse, but he is also being a total dick. And he has been for years. We met when we were 18, I don't he's grown up and developed whilst I have. It is hard, but I cannot do this anymore.
Thanks especially to those who replied with experience and also who've taken that medication, you've all kept me sane. Happy Birthday to me :) thank you