Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Are my exectations unrealistic?

111 replies

CHARLonodn90 · 29/07/2019 09:11

I've been seeing a guy for about 6 weeks. There's a lot of good. But a few things that are bothering me: he doesn't seem very thoughtful.

Instance 1) I have a real problem with the heat and the tube (I live in London). I'm highly sensitive and it makes me feel quite unwell. He knows this. Anyway it was quite a hot day once and he really wanted me to go to his after work. I have a job at the moment where the hours are really long - i'm looking for another one - and its killing me. But I agreed to catch the tube to his after work. When I got there his flat was sweltering and every single window was closed. It took me ages to cool down and I felt disgruntled that he didn't think of me and open the windows and air the flat out. It made me feel like he didn't care about my comfort??

Instance 2) He texted the other day to ask how it was going. I explained that id had a bit of an emotional meltdown at work (the job really is killing me) but that I got over it. I also explained a few other bits and bobs about my day... Anyway all he responded was that he was horny and that he really needs to see me. I was fuming. I've tried to explain that I need someone more thoughtful and he went ballistic. Saying that I'm too sensitive and emotional . And that he didnt acknowledge the texts I sent as we've already spoken about it in the past. All I wanted was a "sorry you're feeling low" or something along those lines.

I just don't know what to do. He said he's sick of me complaining about tiny little things and i'm starting to wonder if I am being too much or if its right to want a man that's thoughtful??

How does it sound to others? My friends obviously agree with me but they're probably going to, right?

Thanks.

OP posts:

Howdoyousleep · 29/07/2019 09:14

I think it might be a lot to expect after six weeks tbh and you do sound a bit moany. At this stage he seems more interested in the sex. I don’t think you sound compatible.

hellodarkness · 29/07/2019 09:17

Instance 1) I think you are overreacting. Presumably he had been in work too? Unless you have some sort of hitherto unknown medical condition that makes you particularly susceptible to heat, why shouldn't you get the tube? Where's the harm in opening a few windows on arrival?

Instance 2) It is a new relationship so I am not sure how much work-related moaning is acceptable. Based on Instance 1 I think you might moan quite a lot. Even so, his reply was crass and you were right to expect better.

Obviously you are fundamentally incompatible and should call it a day.

pennypineapple · 29/07/2019 09:18

I think on 1 you're being a bit unreasonable and on 2 I think you have more reason to be upset.

As a PP says it sounds like this probably isn't the guy for you, it's not meant to be this much like hard work so early in the relationship!

OakElmAsh · 29/07/2019 09:20

Well, to me that sounds hugely high-maintenance, especially the first example, but then I'm generally pretty laid-back. If that's the type of attention you need, you might be better off with someone else that can handle your expectations

Scrumptiousbears · 29/07/2019 09:21

This is going to sound harsh but after 6 weeks all relationships need is having fun. You sound like hard work and I'd personally have given up by now.

TheStuffedPenguin · 29/07/2019 09:22

I think you are looking for the kind of commitment and involvement that comes from a long term relationship . You are not there yet . Sadly many men do use chat as a means to an end and not as a discussion tool .

VixenSixen · 29/07/2019 09:25

I think that there are a couple of ways You could have dealt with the window issue like you could walk in and say "It's like an oven in here can we open the windows?" ..... Or even just communicated about how you felt hot.

I think in the early stages of dating it's supposed to be fun and in the getting to know you stage and I think perhaps bringing in emotions so early on might be difficult for someone to know what to do with, especially as you probably barely even know each other yet.

The way he responded to you is not ok though and he clearly has a one track mind as far as that's concerned. I wouldn't be wanting to pursue anything with someone who minimised my issues or couldn't offer a supportive comment if I was having a shitty day.

He is showing you who he is, early on. Be thankful and move along.

Also, it might not be the right time for you to date right now and it might be worth throwing your energy into your new job, spending time with good friends and doing things for yourself that make you feel happy.

🌈

Bringmewineandcake · 29/07/2019 09:26

Instance 1 is definitely you over-reacting.
Instance 2 sounds like he was very thoughtless in his reply but you also sound very high maintenance for so early in the relationship.
Either dial the moaning down a bit and enjoy getting to know each other, or end it now and try and focus on getting out of your job situation before meeting someone else.

Original poster

CHARLonodn90 · 29/07/2019 09:28

Wow, maybe I am a bit high maintanance then? :-S

And no, he wasn't at work he'd been relaxing at the flat all afternoon.

I was in a three relationship where it was pretty obvious the guy was using me for sex (couldn't see it at the time...love fog and all that) and i'm so worried about making the same mistake.

I felt we were compatible. Does it really scream that we are though? Maybe its thew hole texting thing and misinterpretation. We do usually have the lovliest time together.....

These opinions have given me some food for thought. We're meeting this evening for dinner to discuss it..maybe I should apologise.

OP posts:

PaterPower · 29/07/2019 09:29

I think 1) is probably BU.

suggests he’s either not “there” in the relationship yet or that you two aren’t really compatible.

You’re allowed to have had a shit day and expect at least some sympathy / acknowledgement even at 6 weeks in, unless it was the 999th time you’ve brought up how bad your job is?!

Bookworm4 · 29/07/2019 09:29

‘I’m highly sensitive’
‘Emotional meltdown’
My advice to him is to run, you sound like an absolute headache.

Happynow001 · 29/07/2019 09:30

It's only been six weeks OP. This should be fun for both of you. It really doesn't sound as though either of you are enjoying each other - why invest more energy into what sounds like an incompatible pairing?

category12 · 29/07/2019 09:30

If you can't say "can we open a window?", there's a problem.

I'm bemused that after 6 weeks you're expecting emotional support from him. You've barely dated.

But he sounds disinterested and impatient with you as well, so if you have any sense, you'll dump him now. He's not right for you.

BBBear · 29/07/2019 09:33

I don’t think you’re over reacting or over sensitive.

Example 2 especially makes him sound like a nob, and his reaction of ‘he didn’t acknowledge the texts that I sent because we’ve spoken about it in the past’ makes him sound selfish and uncaring - Do you really think that attitude will change if you move into a long term relationship?

I think you are incompatible and are looking for different things.

Original poster

CHARLonodn90 · 29/07/2019 09:38

These are not the only two things that define me as a person. He has a great time with me... i'm lots of fun, a great listener, very giving and thoughtful.... The list goes on.

OP posts:

HUZZAH212 · 29/07/2019 09:38

You were upset that you were hot, he'd been in the flat all day so clearly he wasn't too hot - not his fault.

You had a shitty day and wanted his support/condolences. He wasn't too interested (but you'd already spoken about It?) - possibly his fault depending on previous conversation.

It all sounds draining if these are the biggest bug bears at 6wks and are upsetting you. Dating is supposed to be light and fun in the early stages.

hadthesnip2 · 29/07/2019 09:41

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time on here OP. After 6 weeks you both should be interested in each other's days & I think he was insensitive & immature with his reply to you. But you were ABU regarding his flat - you should have just asked if you could open a window, not suffer in silence.

However, I dated someone for 5 years & they continuously moaned about work. Everytime we met up (only every other week) she would raise the same issues......I told her time & again to do something about it. She didnt. As far as I know (we split up last year) she is still there with the same issues. Best to either sort it or stop going on about it.

Dieu · 29/07/2019 09:44

You kind of sound like hard work, sorry. At 6 weeks it's all about fun.

Original poster

CHARLonodn90 · 29/07/2019 09:44

I should probably add that it's been quite an intense 6 weeks and we've spent a lot of time together. He asked me to be his girlfriend a couple of a weeks and I just feel it's a bit soon and I need to gauge whether or not he's right for me. We're compatible in so many other ways which I obviously haven't mentioned and I feel really happy when i'm with him. I'm just doubting my own concerns and am wondering if I should put up with the fact that he doesn't consider the little things....?

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 29/07/2019 09:45

I think for six weeks this is a bit much and hard work. You hardly know each other, and he's supposed to listen to all your whinging, not allowed to forget to open window etc. I

Maybe you're not ready for a relationship. Sort out the job, get yourself in a better place mentally, then take it slow when you do meet someone.

Mac47 · 29/07/2019 09:46

What everyone else said. "I've explained I need someone more thoughtful" - you barely know him but it he is not up to your standards, ditch him now rather than giving him all these tests for him to fail.

Wishihad · 29/07/2019 09:46

Sometimes during really hot weather, leaving windows open all day doesnt help.

I have to leave my windows and curtains closed in my bedroom. During the day when it's hot. If I dint get really stuffy.

Besides which, it's his flat and he was in all day and he was fine. You could have just said 'can we open a window?'

The second example, I think you are expecting to much. You have been seeing eachother 6 weeks, it's still quite casual. You said you were emotional and got over it. He replied not acknowledging it because you said you were over it. You arent in a full blown relationship.

It sounds like you want him to treat you like a long term girlfriend. He is just thinking that you are someone he has been dating a few weeks.

You dont sound in the same place at all.

But you really need to adjust your expectations on someone you have been seeing a few weeks.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 29/07/2019 09:47

It's been six weeks - it's too soon to be relying on him for emotional support, he's not a crutch right now. Use your friends for that, and keep this fun so it can develop at its own pace. It sounds like you're just expecting quite a lot of support from him and it's too early for him.

I'm not sure that you're screaming compatibility, but if you like him and it feels good when you're together, just keep an eye on that.

Original poster

CHARLonodn90 · 29/07/2019 09:48

Oh and I opened the windows the second I got in there! Ha ha.

OP posts:

Wishihad · 29/07/2019 09:50

Then what's your issue?

Your issue is really that he didnt air his own flat out in anticipation of you arriving?

Really?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread