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Original poster

Are my exectations unrealistic?

111 replies

CHARLonodn90 · 29/07/2019 09:11

I've been seeing a guy for about 6 weeks. There's a lot of good. But a few things that are bothering me: he doesn't seem very thoughtful.

Instance 1) I have a real problem with the heat and the tube (I live in London). I'm highly sensitive and it makes me feel quite unwell. He knows this. Anyway it was quite a hot day once and he really wanted me to go to his after work. I have a job at the moment where the hours are really long - i'm looking for another one - and its killing me. But I agreed to catch the tube to his after work. When I got there his flat was sweltering and every single window was closed. It took me ages to cool down and I felt disgruntled that he didn't think of me and open the windows and air the flat out. It made me feel like he didn't care about my comfort??

Instance 2) He texted the other day to ask how it was going. I explained that id had a bit of an emotional meltdown at work (the job really is killing me) but that I got over it. I also explained a few other bits and bobs about my day... Anyway all he responded was that he was horny and that he really needs to see me. I was fuming. I've tried to explain that I need someone more thoughtful and he went ballistic. Saying that I'm too sensitive and emotional . And that he didnt acknowledge the texts I sent as we've already spoken about it in the past. All I wanted was a "sorry you're feeling low" or something along those lines.

I just don't know what to do. He said he's sick of me complaining about tiny little things and i'm starting to wonder if I am being too much or if its right to want a man that's thoughtful??

How does it sound to others? My friends obviously agree with me but they're probably going to, right?

Thanks.

OP posts:
PixieLumos · 29/07/2019 12:46

He sounds like a bit of an uncaring prick and you sound like an oversensitive kind of person who needs to possibly toughen up a bit. Not really a compatible couple.

Highandlow · 29/07/2019 12:51

I would feel the same. I don't think you are bu. Might be early signs of incompatibility in my opinion .

Original poster
CHARLonodn90 · 29/07/2019 12:52

@category12 Yep. Which is what had made me think that it must be me being too high maintenance/over the top. I wouldn't say I whined to him. I basically texted him and said I felt upset by his lack of interest in my crappy day etc. His responses wern't very consistent. First he said he was busy and that's why he didn't respond. Then he said he didn't feel like he needed to respond as we'd already spoken about my job before. Which one is it?? He texted asking how my day was going which suggests he has time to text.... I don't get it.

OP posts:
Original poster
CHARLonodn90 · 29/07/2019 12:57

And what does BU mean?

OP posts:
Abhann · 29/07/2019 13:01

But does it actually matter? It's not as though there's some objective standard for what constitutes 'reasonable' sensitivity, stress levels or a liking for fresh air.

You're fundamentally incompatible. He experiences you as over-emotional and demanding, and you experience him as insensitive and uninterested in you, apart from when you show up to have sex with him. This is six weeks in!

Original poster
CHARLonodn90 · 29/07/2019 13:17

@Abhann - This is not the only facet of which I experience him - and i'm certain him me, otherwise it would have been dead in the water weeks ago. People keep referring to the fact it's only been six weeks. What is the correct time frame of which disagreements are acceptable? We've reached an obstacle where we both think we're in the right. I'm here to try to see things from different points of view as obviously one of us has to admit defeat. I don't feel very comfortable throwing away a potentially great relationship because we've had a disagreement etc. As I said, everything else is pretty peachy.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 29/07/2019 13:21

BU = being unreasonable.
Like the AIBU board - Am I Being Unreasonable.

Iwishyouwell · 29/07/2019 13:29

Change bf . Change job .

Original poster
CHARLonodn90 · 29/07/2019 13:32

@hellsbellsmelons Thanks! :-)

Well... I've made up my mind. I'm going to apologise at dinner tonight and admit that I am BU! I'm going to not expect emotional support from him and keep things light. As the saying goes "Expectation is the root cause of all sorrow"! I obviously haven't mentioned all the brilliant times we have and the amount of time we've spent together. I just needed help resoling this argument. He probably won't expect me to assume the blame tonight so i'm sure he'll be pleased!

OP posts:
Iwishyouwell · 29/07/2019 13:34

I think if he has to tell you he's a good guy . So not .

Howdoyousleep · 29/07/2019 13:34

What is the correct time frame? I’m not sure there is one but six weeks in is definitely too soon for any disagreements at all I would say, especially where he is complaining about your ‘tantrums’ and you are complaining that he is not sensitive enough for you.

NameChangeNugget · 29/07/2019 13:36

You’re trying to impose your own thoughts and views on him. Accept you’re being hard work here and end it, if you feel you’re too incompatible

Frith2013 · 29/07/2019 13:42

I’m sorry but I’d have ended it by now. We’ve all been hot and felt a bit faint over the past couple of weeks!

maras2 · 29/07/2019 15:11

All of what PPs have said plus he's too old for you.

HypatiaCade · 29/07/2019 15:27

Look, you might be a bit more sensitive than others. It's certainly a spectrum, we're not all alike. But is that wrong? I don't think so. It might however, be wrong for HIM. He doesn't sound like he's even trying to see you for who you are, but tells you how you should be.

Also, at 6 weeks in, this should be the period where you are seeing him at his best. THIS is his best. All those comments he has made, they are his BEST. When he settles into the relationship, and gets more comfortable, judging by what he's already said he's going to come out with some really horrible comments.

Honestly, I think you should move onto someone else.

SavingSpaces2019 · 29/07/2019 15:45

Saying that I'm too sensitive and emotional
Well that's a red flag in my book.
It's always been used by people - men and women- to deflect from their own actions and consequences.

If he'd been home all day - why didn't he offer to travel to YOU and meet you after you finished work?
I certainly wouldn't have suffered the travel to him after a hellish day at work when HE had the day off!

He's paid you lip service about your job once - and that's his lot.
He's not interested in getting to know you or your life, he just wants what he wants when he wants it - and so far you've played along with it.
He's lovebombing you and moving things at a quicker pace than you are comfortable with.
Have you slept with him yet?
If you have, stop and take things at a slower pace that's comfortable for YOU and allows you to gauge whether he's just in it for the sex.

PixieLumos · 29/07/2019 15:48

I'm here to try to see things from different points of view as obviously one of us has to admit defeat.

Well no, you both need to compromise and make a few adjustments - he needs to be a bit more supportive and you a bit less needy, ‘meet it the middle’ if you like.

SavingSpaces2019 · 29/07/2019 15:49

I'm going to apologise at dinner tonight and admit that I am BU!
What the fuck?!!!
No!!!!!
You don't owe him an apology!

As for expectations, yes you DO need to have some expectations no matter what stage of the relationship you're at.
Let's start with the very simple expectations - you deserve to be treated with respect and consideration.
From what you've written, so far he hasn't exactly met these normal and standard expectations.

ChristmasFluff · 29/07/2019 15:50

Dating is a discovery phase. I think you are discovering that he is not the man for you.

Also, he is fast-forwarding you - he basically asked a stranger to be his girlfriend. And spending all your time with eachother at the start - that suggests that you are way too quickly prioritising eachother over doing other things. Again, it is too much too soon. It's an amber alert to me.

Seriously, I'd dump him rather than apologise - he isn't what you are looking for. Don't imagine that he'll suddenly become really thoughtful and caring after a number of months.

This is his best behaviour, because we all send our 'best representatives' on dates in the early days - imagine how much worse he could get!

Abhann · 29/07/2019 16:06

I've made up my mind. I'm going to apologise at dinner tonight and admit that I am BU! I'm going to not expect emotional support from him and keep things light. As the saying goes "Expectation is the root cause of all sorrow"!

No, having pathetically low expectations is at the root of all sorrow.

Trotting over to apologise would be an incredibly stupid move, establish him firmly as 'the good guy' on the moral high ground and you as the easily-swayed, over-emotional little woman sweetly admitting she's been hysterical and he's right, really, and you'll do your best to dampen down those bits of your personality that annoy him and bustle over to his overheated flat when he wants a booty call. Is this really a dynamic you want six weeks in? Hmm

Your list of things he has already said to you suggest he's actually a deeply unpleasant person who is completely incapable of admitting culpability. Anyone who has to tell you he's 'a good guy for Christ's sake' really isn't. And as for accusing an adult woman you are dating of throwing 'baseless tantrums' -- this is not the statement of a nice man who is interested in fostering a relationship with someone he wants to impress, get to know better and have in his life on an ongoing basis. That's someone arrogant putting you in your place.

Original poster
CHARLonodn90 · 29/07/2019 16:07

@SavingSpaces2019 These were pretty much my thoughts when I started having doubts. Ah fuck! I was all for the apologising, but the comments about this being his BEST behavior..... Eeeek. Very true though. God this is so hard!

I feel like deep down I'm right. I guess i'll let him go first at dinner tonight...see what he has to say. Gulp.

OP posts:
category12 · 29/07/2019 16:17

"I'm sick of these baseless tantrums!"
"You're too emotional!"
"I'm so weary of all this!"
"You blow up at the littlest things!"
"I'm a good guy for Christsake"
"This is all you and none of it is me!"

This is not normal stuff. I'm not sure where you're getting you need to apologise to him.

All this is far too much.

jane251 · 29/07/2019 16:28

I disagree with most other messages.It doesn't sound as if you were asking for much emotional support.Early dates should be romantic-flowers on the table, champagne uncorked, noticing and complimenting you on a new hairstyle
.If he takes you for granted now it will be potentially worse later.A leopard rarely changes his spots.Drop him.

Original poster
CHARLonodn90 · 29/07/2019 16:37

Well I feel like I've had a huge wake up call. I'm glad I've read these messages before dinner this evening. I don't know why the hell I can't trust my own instincts! I guess he's just been quite persuasive in making me feel like it IS me and not him.

OP posts:
PetrolBastard · 29/07/2019 16:41

I don't really like his tone in those messages, OP. But you do tend to find that men over the age of fifty can be very grumpy and set in their ways. They're not generally full of the same capacity for sympathy that you'd find with someone your own age.

I'd get rid, if I were you. I do think you were being sensitive - but I don't think it's wise for you to be examining your personality so much to try and fit in with him. It's not healthy and you'll end up feeling crushed.