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Original poster

Are my exectations unrealistic?

111 replies

CHARLonodn90 · 29/07/2019 09:11

I've been seeing a guy for about 6 weeks. There's a lot of good. But a few things that are bothering me: he doesn't seem very thoughtful.

Instance 1) I have a real problem with the heat and the tube (I live in London). I'm highly sensitive and it makes me feel quite unwell. He knows this. Anyway it was quite a hot day once and he really wanted me to go to his after work. I have a job at the moment where the hours are really long - i'm looking for another one - and its killing me. But I agreed to catch the tube to his after work. When I got there his flat was sweltering and every single window was closed. It took me ages to cool down and I felt disgruntled that he didn't think of me and open the windows and air the flat out. It made me feel like he didn't care about my comfort??

Instance 2) He texted the other day to ask how it was going. I explained that id had a bit of an emotional meltdown at work (the job really is killing me) but that I got over it. I also explained a few other bits and bobs about my day... Anyway all he responded was that he was horny and that he really needs to see me. I was fuming. I've tried to explain that I need someone more thoughtful and he went ballistic. Saying that I'm too sensitive and emotional . And that he didnt acknowledge the texts I sent as we've already spoken about it in the past. All I wanted was a "sorry you're feeling low" or something along those lines.

I just don't know what to do. He said he's sick of me complaining about tiny little things and i'm starting to wonder if I am being too much or if its right to want a man that's thoughtful??

How does it sound to others? My friends obviously agree with me but they're probably going to, right?

Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
CHARLonodn90 · 29/07/2019 09:53

What did I ever do without this forum! Ha ha It feels good reading lots of different perspectives...even though some could use a little tact! :-)

I think it's probably best to keep it light. I do have to keep saying to him I'd like to take it slow. He wants to go at full speed and see me all the time and make it official. I just feel like if that's the case, then he needs to know what he's getting involved with and kind of what I expect from a relationship - the good and the not so good. That's all.

OP posts:
HUZZAH212 · 29/07/2019 10:10

To be honest reading back through it does sound like you're unhappy with your job more than anything else. If you're actively looking for a new one I'd suggest just saying to him you'll take the current job woes off the table conversation wise. If it's getting you down then you are allowed to say that of course. But I'd try to not bring it into everything all the time.

category12 · 29/07/2019 10:11

I'd be a bit concerned at the speed he wants to take things and "lock you down" as girlfriend. 🚩 🚩

Yet at the same time, he goes "ballistic" when you explain your needs and doesn't want to hear about things that bother you or take them on board.

Be careful with this one, op.

Zaphodsotherhead · 29/07/2019 10:13

When you say he 'wants to go at full speed and see me all the time' - does this mostly include having sex? His dismissive remark when you were upset about work that 'I feel horny - come over' makes me wonder if he isn't mostly seeing you as a convenient shag.

Can you pull back on the sex and see if he still feels the same? I must admit that you do sound a bit 'desperate', but his getting irritated about you 'moaning all the time' makes me think he wants a manic pixie dreamgirl to shag, rather than a real woman.

BBBear · 29/07/2019 10:23

So he wants you as a girlfriend but is unwilling to listen to your problems... I stick by what I said earlier, you are incompatible.

IncrediblySadToo · 29/07/2019 10:25

Without wanting to sound too harsh you sound very draining (way too sensitive & emotional) & expecting far too much from a guy you’ve been seeing a few weeks.

OTOH he sounds like he wants a bit of fun& sex.

So no, you’re probably not very compatible.

HollowTalk · 29/07/2019 10:26

I don't like him!

I think what he wants is an uncomplicated shag. He wants you to travel to him, sleep with him and not make any demands whatsoever - he doesn't even want to have to open a window for him.

He sounds selfish.

Original poster
CHARLonodn90 · 29/07/2019 10:26

@Zaphodsotherhead desperate in what sense?

OP posts:
Musti · 29/07/2019 10:30

I think you're both at fault. 1, I keep things light until much further in the relationship. Everyone was hot last week and some could bear it better than others. My son was attached to the fan but for me opening windows was fine.

However, he needs to make an effort too. If you're hot and tired after work, why doesn't he come round to yours, you have a shower and then he takes you out? Because at the moment , it looks like you're just his booty call and he doesn't need to do anything other than message you.

hellsbellsmelons · 29/07/2019 10:32

and he went ballistic
After 6 weeks!
Fuck that OP.
Huge red flags here. Please do NOT ignore them.

Yes he should be more thoughtful but you do sound like you are expecting a lot as well after 6 weeks.

But... He goes ballistic.

You tell him how down you are feeling and all he can message back is that he's horny - NOT GOOD
He's sick of you already complaining about the little things. That basically is the first sign of controlling behaviour - he is telling you to STFU unless it's to service him.
He's love bombing you.

RUN - THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Zoflorabore · 29/07/2019 10:33

Hi op, 6 weeks in you should be swinging from the chandeliers! This sounds quite intense already.

What I would do is separate him and work completely to see if your perception of him changes at all. If he asks about your day be very vague and move the conversation on. Keep your work frustrations out of the relationship and then it may show you exactly who he is when you're not "moaning" and he therefore may feel frustrated. Hope that makes sense?

I'm also terrible in the heat so I totally get that part....

VivienneHolt · 29/07/2019 10:34

He doesn't sound great tbh (the second example is especially poor). And more fundamentally, you just don't sound compatible. Is it worth investing more time and energy in this?

PetrolBastard · 29/07/2019 10:45

You sound quite draining, OP. You could have raised both of those issues in a light and productive way. The second one you could have just said, can I have a bit of sympathy, rather than telling him his personality doesn't suit your temperament.

Original poster
CHARLonodn90 · 29/07/2019 10:50

@VivienneHolt That's the million dollar question. I feel the pros outweigh the cons. But there are cons... when are there never? He just sounds so convincing when he says that i'm being unreasonable to the point that i've come on this forum to get outside opinions as maybe I am... and by the majority of answers - it seems he's right.

OP posts:
Original poster
CHARLonodn90 · 29/07/2019 10:52

@Zoflorabore Thanks. I'm really sensitive to extreme heat and most of the time feel quite unwell with it :-S

OP posts:
Original poster
CHARLonodn90 · 29/07/2019 10:54

@Zoflorabore And thanks. That advice sounds pretty good. I'll keep the job-moaning - or any moaning - out of it and keep it light I guess. And i've only mentioned the job stress a few times. It's not constant.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 29/07/2019 11:12

He just sounds so convincing when he says that i'm being unreasonable

This sounds horrible. And if you are so unreasonably, why does he want to stay with you, eh?

KnifeAngel · 29/07/2019 11:17

You sound very hard work and a delicate little flower. You aren't compatible.

luckystarsabove · 29/07/2019 11:27

Sounds like you moan a lot and he wants to see you so much because he wants a shag. This isn't going to work op

BogglesGoggles · 29/07/2019 11:31

How old are the two of you?

Original poster
CHARLonodn90 · 29/07/2019 11:42

@BogglesGoggles I'm 35, he's 58.

OP posts:
Abhann · 29/07/2019 11:48

These are not the only two things that define me as a person. He has a great time with me.

But you are clearly experiencing him as thoughtless, emotionally insensitive and primarily focused on the sex. It's not working for you, and that's all you need to prioritise.

hellodarkness · 29/07/2019 12:04

"and he went ballistic
After 6 weeks!
Fuck that OP.
Huge red flags here. Please do NOT ignore them."

But did he really 'go ballistic'? Because OP is someone who says things like 'my job really is killing me' and 'I'm highly sensitive to the tube' so I think it's quite hard to tell what is the truth and what is a massive exaggeration.

Original poster
CHARLonodn90 · 29/07/2019 12:15

@hellodarkness

"I'm sick of these baseless tantrums!"
"You're too emotional!"
"I'm so weary of all this!"
"You blow up at the littlest things!"
"I'm a good guy for Christsake"
"This is all you and none of it is me!"
I'm quite claustrophobic (more than I realised) and am a genuinely highly sensitive person. There's a whole book about it. I am very sensitive to my surroundings and get a bit anxious in crowds that are noisy etc. Because of this - and having to take the tube every day - my job IS actually making me ill because i'm constantly on edge and it's manifesting itself physically. Killing me is just a figure of speech.

OP posts:
category12 · 29/07/2019 12:36

Are those quotes from him?

It shouldn't be like that. I'd call this one a bust.

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