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Original poster

Are my exectations unrealistic?

111 replies

CHARLonodn90 · 29/07/2019 09:11

I've been seeing a guy for about 6 weeks. There's a lot of good. But a few things that are bothering me: he doesn't seem very thoughtful.

Instance 1) I have a real problem with the heat and the tube (I live in London). I'm highly sensitive and it makes me feel quite unwell. He knows this. Anyway it was quite a hot day once and he really wanted me to go to his after work. I have a job at the moment where the hours are really long - i'm looking for another one - and its killing me. But I agreed to catch the tube to his after work. When I got there his flat was sweltering and every single window was closed. It took me ages to cool down and I felt disgruntled that he didn't think of me and open the windows and air the flat out. It made me feel like he didn't care about my comfort??

Instance 2) He texted the other day to ask how it was going. I explained that id had a bit of an emotional meltdown at work (the job really is killing me) but that I got over it. I also explained a few other bits and bobs about my day... Anyway all he responded was that he was horny and that he really needs to see me. I was fuming. I've tried to explain that I need someone more thoughtful and he went ballistic. Saying that I'm too sensitive and emotional . And that he didnt acknowledge the texts I sent as we've already spoken about it in the past. All I wanted was a "sorry you're feeling low" or something along those lines.

I just don't know what to do. He said he's sick of me complaining about tiny little things and i'm starting to wonder if I am being too much or if its right to want a man that's thoughtful??

How does it sound to others? My friends obviously agree with me but they're probably going to, right?

Thanks.

OP posts:
Youngandfree · 29/07/2019 16:47

YABU!!
“Expectations are premeditated resentments”

ithinkiammelting · 29/07/2019 16:48

After 6 weeks of seeing someone a lot you should by then be able to have a whinge about work or something else that's bugging you.

And the other person should sympathise and agree that you have had a shitty day, and try to cheer you up by being nice to you.

Not tell you that they are sick of your tantrums and it's all your fault.

The 'nice guy' mask has slipped already. He wants to be in charge of this relationship and wants you to be subordinate and do everything possible to please him.

AnneKipanki · 29/07/2019 16:51

Why bother with dinner with him?

Howdoyousleep · 29/07/2019 16:54

He’s not over 50 is he?

pictish · 29/07/2019 17:06

It’s not a goer is it? You’re not compatible and that much is obvious from the quotes you’ve provided.

What baseless tantrums is he referring to? Do you bitch about every little thing? I don’t know...that’s why I’m asking. Maybe his statements are true...maybe he’s a selfish twat who doesn’t want to give.

Your example about the hot day and the tube kind of suggests it’s you. I mean honestly, what a silly thing to be offended over...he didn’t open the windows for you coming over? What? You say you’ve already told him how super sensitive you are in hot weather and maybe you are...or maybe you’re no different to anyone else and need to get over yourself. How can we know?

The second example makes him seem a wanker but if he’d a;ready heard it all about work, maybe he didn’t have anything to add and thought he’d change the subject...to his penis. So yeah, bit of cold at best.

I think you’re looking for something you’re not going to get with this one...and tbh, in some ways I wonder if you’ll struggle to find it because you do sound a little precious. Sorry, you asked.

I think you’re reading from different books, never mind the same page. He’s finding you hard work it seems...whether you are or not is unknown.

pictish · 29/07/2019 17:07

*bit of a clod

user1479305498 · 29/07/2019 17:08

You are probably a really nice person OP, but are after something that often doesn’t kick in till a bit further down the line, however in all honesty if anyone said, get yourself over here I am horny, I would feel like a hooker and wouldn’t continue seeing them , I just hate that kind of attitude, some women I know would be flattered but I am not one of them

pictish · 29/07/2019 17:10

Neither am I. I’d be all “Ehh right, thanks then. Hmm” at that one too. Can’t deny it was a breathtakingly inconsiderate response.

Original poster
CHARLonodn90 · 29/07/2019 17:11

He invited me to dinner yesterday to talk about this in person. I'm not sure where his head is at or what he wants to say.... I'm going because i'm curious.

OP posts:
Original poster
CHARLonodn90 · 29/07/2019 17:20

@pictish I definitely don't moan all the time! I've brought up three things which I thought needed addressing... The two i've wrote about here and one where I felt a little forced and intimidated. He has 2 young boys (10 and 13) from a divorce who live with their mum close by. He was getting ready to drive me home one night when one of them texted asking him to drop something round to them. He said to me I should meet them when he drops the stuff off and I said I wasn't ready and it'll make me feel um comfortable and he said something like "No no, you're meeting them, it'll be fine". Luckily when he dropped the stuff off the son didn't have shoes on or something so I wasn't forced to meet them. I just felt really funny about the whole things afterwards and explained to him in an email that I felt like he didnt respect my wishes etc.... When he says I blow things up and throw tantrums, its these three things im referring to. Oh, I think I mentioned something about the sex as well..... a BJ every single time was getting too much that I feel like I had to say something.

OP posts:
Musti · 29/07/2019 17:29

Find someone else. Why are you with someone so old? And he's got two young kids at his age so obviously likes considerably younger women.

pictish · 29/07/2019 17:40

Ok I believe you...and I’m with you on the meet-the-kids scenario. I would’ve felt uncomfortable as well. You’re right in that he overrode your wishes and also right in that discussing that fact is not a ‘tantrum’.

Yes he does rather seem like he would like you to expect nothing while going along with his agenda.

At six weeks in, it’s fine to call it a day. Don’t give it another thought.

Howdoyousleep · 29/07/2019 17:40

Sorry I misread 58 for 38 but he acts even younger than that! It sounds like an odd dynamic between you.

AnneKipanki · 29/07/2019 17:59

The more I read here ...OMG !
Do not bother with the dinner .

dodobookends · 29/07/2019 21:51

It's a no from me. He likes to be the boss doesn't he?

rvby · 29/07/2019 22:02

Jesus op. Please stop dating for a while and get some therapy. This guy is red flag city and you're psyching yourself up to apologise for him for that?

Look, you sound high maintenance - literally no one is excited about a "highly sensitive person", that's hard work for a partner - but he sounds like a massive knobber. Both of those things can be true at the same time.

In the nicest way, if you're as high maintenance as you sound, you need to be with someone extremely kind and patient. Not someone who goes "ballistic" and tries to force you to meet his kids before you are ready etc.

WhateverName2 · 29/07/2019 22:13

Blowjob every time???!!?

Closetbeanmuncher · 29/07/2019 22:25

I don't feel very comfortable throwing away a potentially great relationship because we've had a disagreement etc. As I said, everything else is pretty peachy

There is absolutely nothing peachy about the dynamic between you and this man.

I strongly urge you to consider everything @hellsbellsmelons has said.

You're either extremely unsure of yourself as a person or willfully blind for thr sake of having someone.

dodgeballchamp · 29/07/2019 22:26

I’m surprised you’re being told YABU. Example 2) he was completely rude! Even if you’d only met the day before, if you said you were having a hard time at work any person with an ounce of courtesy would say ‘sorry to hear that’ or similar. He sounds really disrespectful.

I like to talk about serious, deep stuff pretty much from the off with dating (like politics, ideologies, things about ourselves etc) so I can’t and don’t date people who only do meaningless small talk. I think you are incompatible

Romanceisdeadgetacat · 29/07/2019 22:37

Even some of the things only seem small its actually your gut telling you that in the longer term he would be an uncaring partner. This could actually escalate to worse. Red flag stage 1.

Ginger1982 · 29/07/2019 23:03

You're 35 and he's 58? As if that weren't enough of a reason! Get rid!

pasanda · 29/07/2019 23:19

He's far to old for you! Get rid. I'm intrigued to know how your dinner went. Please let us know! Grin

BogglesGoggles · 29/07/2019 23:31

Ah, I see. I thought you were both early twenties or something. In that case you really need to stop seeing him and start seeing a therapist instead.

shuthefrontdoor · 29/07/2019 23:39

How did dinner go op?

Catalicious · 30/07/2019 01:20

I like an older men but wow, no. Don't waste yourself on a nearly pensioner!

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