Break up support thread

[TinselAndKnickers]

Anyone else going through a breakup?

I'm a week into it. It was nearly 4 years together and it's ended because we lost communication and we just can't do it anymore, it's not the right time. He's said never say never and we've done the stuff swap over so I know I have to accept it and move on. But we love each other and have a lot of respect, so the goodbye was very hard to do. We might reconnect in future but for now we're NC.

Anyone else want a pity party/support thread?

Sorry everyone is feeling so crap.

I called in sick to work today because I just want to hide away. I'm not particularly upset or angry today just feeling very sad.

@Lana1234 occasions are really tough. The thought of spending occasions without the person you thought you’d spend every occasion with forever is incomprehensible and so devastating but I think for our own sakes aswel as our DC (and I will try to follow my own advice here) it’s important to try to have a nice time and to create new traditions that are secure and happy memories for the children.

My now ExDP had been hanging out with a prettier younger female friend, who I'd never met. The last time he and I had anything resembling a conversation he was all ' there's nothing going on, she's so nice... 'so my guess is that he has been mooning after her for a while all behind my back and is now probably telling her how I am a psycho.

I still want him back and it hurts and I feel sick.

He's vile in an argument and I don't know if he was saying things just to provoke me or if he has been her nice male friend for ages.
I hope she kicks him into touch if when he makes a move.
If he makes a move and she takes him up on it, I hope that she turns out to be a psycho.

No I'm not a child but it's how I feel and you can't say things like that IRL.

Sent him an e-mail a few days ago pointing out what had made me a suspicious mess. I don't know if he's got it (blocked?), just deleted it, or read it.

Whenever we've argued in the past, he's come back but I don't think he will this time. All the flags were there that he was seeing someone else. Why didn't I bin him? I've had months of heartache and probably will hurt for ages.

Aside from tired I’m not feeling too bad today, but I’m learning from last night and not going to examine my feelings! Just this constant feeling of something being missing. Because of course, something is missing.

I’m feeling sad about things like Christmas, was so lovely finally having someone to spend it with (I mean I did have my family but a partner) and to spoil and in either his Christmas or valentine’s card (or maybe both) I had written about how it was the first of many and actually it was the first and last.

My guess is that she became newly single about a year and a half ago, and that ExDP was a shoulder to cry on and he lapped up the attention.
He's an outgoing sort of person and not much of a looker. It took me while to get used to the thought of going out with him because of his appearance. He is probably her safe nice male friend who she has no interest in other than he can be fun company.

Apologies for the pity party and I accept that I must seem obsessed but it's all I can think of.

No worries broken hearted, I have these feelings too. I hope that his new relationship fails as I dont want him to be happy.
I feel sad about christmas too, last year we had a super christmassy day buying a tree, having a "christmas" dinner, decorating and putting presents under it and I'm so so sad that that won't happen again this year, but that he will do it with her instead :(

Thanks, Jons. In my case, I don't think it's a relationship - I think it's an EA. I guessed there was something going on at the beginning of the year and I have begged him to cool whatever was or wasn't going on, but he continued. He kept saying she's an old friend but there were flags everywhere. Only last week he was saying that he and I were a couple and exclusive, but accidentally let slip that he was with her. Aaargh! I'm a mess.

Yours however is different, and you are doing very well.
I've been through the having to face an ex-bf and his new-gf situation and if must be so much worse when it's your ex long term partner and the OW.

Nothing wrong with the odd pity party - in the long run obviously not good to wallow too much but sometimes you just have to feel your feelings not bury them.

It's also the feeling of being completely replaced, no chance to miss me and no thoughts about me because he has her. And also the intrusive thoughts about how much happier he must be now and how she's much better than me. Which I can't possibly know but it's what my brain constantly tells me!
I never ever thought I would be in this position, it's probably the worst thing I've had to go through. I don't find it easy to cut people out of my life, as he easily has done. Just compartmentalised me and shut me away in his mind somewhere. So sad.
I just hold on to the fact that rebounds don't always work out!

It must be so horrible! Just the thought of A moving on and finding someone else makes me want to scream, at least he hasn’t actually done it. But I definitely feel he has compartmentalised his feelings despite not having anyone new to distract him and is probably just fine without me.

The problem is him tho, not you.

Jons , it will catch up with him and he'll reaise what a mistake he has made.
I've got my mind in a right loop. If only he would phone and apologise or something that would make me feel other than second best.
Maybe it was just friendship, but he knew I minded and minded a lot.
What can I do?

Your ex hasn't had the novelty wear off yet Jonsnow.
I apologise for my me me me pity and woe.
I must not contact exDP. He knew he was hurting me and he was vile in an argument. There is no excuse for that. He won't change.

Brokenhearted don’t apologise - have you seen how many posts I’ve made?! I think here is a really good place for us to just wallow and indulge our sadness because then we can hopefully get on with things a bit more IRL.

I’ve suddenly crashed in a major way. Not sure what’s brought it on but I’ve gone from feeling vaguely ok back to feeling shit and holding back tears. Hadn’t realised till it came back that the lump in my throat had gone.

I've crashed too.

Can't believe I actually called in sick to work. Not like me at all - I wish he'd just come back. But I don't think he'll change his mind, even when the novelty is worn off.

Sorry to be jumping in so many ways ages in once everyone has got to chatting already, not necessarily looking for people to want to talk to me just wanted to vent somewhere as I don’t have much real life support at all.
I’m home now.
We spent an awkwardly long time together today due to 2 eldest (my DS and her DD) sleeping in until late!
She even dropped us home... and bought us all our favourite milkshakes on the way home.
I feel so stupid and confused.
I’m walking away from somebody I love who tells me in words that they love me in a partner way, still fancy me and want to be with me.
But day to day it’s not like that. I get nothing. She’s been cold. Emotionally withdrawn. Angry and annoyed.
I’ve asked her if she’s depressed and to talk to me so I can support her because I love her and want to help and she tells me no.
She said she doesn’t know who she even is.
That she’s never really known who she is or what even makes her happy.
That she doesn’t know why but she just can’t feel any emotions, she’s always said that to some degree but she used to be SO affectionate and attentive and made such an effort to the point where actually it was me that couldn’t cope with the lack of understanding that I’d like a day or 2 to myself a week during the first year or so.
She wanted us to move in so fast and I didn’t.
We both had debt but hers was/is large.
I’ve almost cleared mine now which was the plan but it was so important to me before moving in together.
We didn’t have enough space for all the DC to have their own rooms and my youngest has additional needs so they all needed their own rooms.
We basically lived at mine for the 2 years previous to her moving in and her DD had her own room at my house that I made up for her being a girl and I had my 2 DS in together but it wasn’t working out and was causing allot of strain.
Long story but anyway she stopped paying her rent, evicted through the courts and so moved in early due to circumstances.
During the time she lived here her relationship with my youngest DS disappeared and she pretty much emotionally withdrew and ignored him for a long time which came to a forefront on our disneyworld holiday last year where she probably spoke only an odd word to him here and there.
He’s 9. He has ADHD, with ASD traits and sensory processing issues and his behaviour can be challenging at times but she lost all connection with him.
She then moved out and in with her mum and revealed afterwards she was depressed but didn’t realise.
She wanted us to try again but living apart but spent 6 months withdrawing further until breaking up with me just after her DD birthday in April.
Again wanted us to get back together and said she can’t accept it’s over, loves me and wants to be with me and that she would try not to be withdrawn.
I lapped it up and tried, I’ve really bloody tried but there has been nothing.
She doesn’t call or text with any meaning anymore.
The time we’ve spent together we’ve only been together in presence. Rarely any physical contact... no sex at all despite me bringing it up a fair few times (and getting far too emotional). She can barely look at me anymore.
So I’ve decided I can’t do this.
A week ago we had a conversation that we would give a 3 month period and split if it didn’t improve. I said my ideas of working on it would be to talk about things openly but she said no. So I suggested just having fun and planning things and making more effort to be closer and we had an ok weekend but then she almost blanked me for the couple of days we haven’t been together. I asked what her ideas were to make the most of the 3 months to turn it around and she just said she doesn’t know and I shouldn’t keep going on.
I asked yesterday does she feel ANY different since a week ago and she said nothing has changed for her at all.
I asked does she feel any more hopeful at all and she said no she still doesn’t know so I’ve decided to leave rather than to keep hurting like this.
I am an emotional person and like to talk and work through things and I tend to get emotionally reactive and cry but she is so cold toward me.
I asked her this morning how emotional makes her feel and she said that she doesn’t even feel emotion herself so she doesn’t know how to deal with it in me or other people.
That when I cry she feels guilty (not my aim), sometimes sad but wishes it could just stop as it’s uncomfortable.
I’m so gutted.
Sorry for the long post I just needed to talk to someone. Anyone. Just get it out.

It’s horrible isn’t it? I just want him back. Except it would probably be ruined now - what I want is for this never to have happened.

He was such a lovely boyfriend. Not saying he was perfect and I’m sure if we’d lived together there would be stuff that drove me mad, but he is such a kind, fun, patient, chilled person. We complimented each other well. Everyone said how well suited we were and people back home told him how much more happy ajd confident he seemed.

But it just wasn’t enough to build real love I guess.

Sorry about the awful typos! 😳

@TinselAndKnickers don’t beat yourself up, it’s happened and you’ve called in.
Take the day to do something to lift you up or just to rest if needed and then get yourself back on your feet work wise.
It’s really important to try and maintain stability elsewhere.
I know how much it hurts though, easier said than done.

@BrokenHeartedAndBruised at least I won’t be the only one in a pity party, I’d like to catch up soon, I feel terrible talking about my situation this late in without having had the time to read everyone else’s yet.
I just turn to mumsnet in my times of need as it helps.

Everyone said how well suited we were too, and I was so comfortable to be completely myself around him. I know that the novelty of the OW won't wear off for him. I hope one day I look back at these messages and laugh but at the moment I just want him back. I just can't get my head around it at all.
I posted an instagram story last night for the first time in a while and he watched it within 20 minutes! Likewise I did a little test this morning (you'll all think I'm crazy ha ha) and posted one when I got into work at 7 this morning, which he watched within 10 minutes, before he'd even gone on WhatsApp (he gets up at 6 then from 7 to 8 has tea/breakfast and goes online and would message me, I'm pretty sure he does the same with her) which is crazy. I'm not reading anything into it at all but why does he watch them so quickly?!

That is weird jonsnow but try not to read into things! Just ignore it, let him look if he wants, but don’t dwell on it or you’ll go mad!

music don’t worry about venting. Sounds like an awful situation. But she is not making you happy and you deserve to be happy. I can’t be angry at my ex for breaking up with me as much as I’d love to be because he deserves to be happy and if being with me doesn’t make him happy anymore, he is right to move on.

Not RTFT but seen my name a couple of times.
Just so angry that he might have been doing boyfriend and girlfriend stuff like going for meals out with her even if it wasn't physical, while keeping me well away from his friends.
Telling me he loved me when all I got was little leftover scraps.
I have not much idea of what went on other than he has a soft spot for her and that it was worth binning me for.

Thank you for just letting me vent.

@Jonsnowsghost fingers crossed for you and all of us!
I think we all think that during a breakup there’s no way out.
My heart physically hurts.
I feel so sick and eating is proving very hard but I have to push myself as have struggled with an eating disorder in the past and I won’t allow myself to drag myself back down there.
As much as we read into these things it really is what most people do, to watch an ex’s social media for a while.
I have had to delete my Facebook account for now as I will be obsessively checking and looking if I don’t so it’s the right choice for now.
I feel so sad for everyone going through this, it’s so crushing and devastating to loose a person you love.
I’m trying to look at it that I’d already lost her a long time ago so it’s now just the letting go not the loosing. It doesn’t make it really any easier at all although I’m hoping in time it will.
No I’m not happy and neither is (was ) she and it’s the fairest thing for us both.
I feel the same. I’m not angry. I truly hope she is going to be happy. I’m just so gutted that it can’t be with me. With our family of 5 we were trying to build.
She used to say I was the glue that held us all together but I went through a tough time with anxiety and a re-surfacing eating disorder (it wasn’t all her) and I suppose I came unstuck and she didn’t want that.
I also had wall up for a while at the beginning that maybe shouldn’t have been.
I had reasons but I never knew if they were real reasons.
She came into my life and tried to change the way I parented, bought her 2 dogs around all the time (of course that goes without saying) but they ruined hundreds and hundreds of pounds worth of property and drove my cat away.
Would also joke in ways I didn’t understand saying things like
“Sometimes I just want to punch you in the face”
“What would you do if I just pushed you but didn’t hit you”
And then would say “I’m only joking you don’t have to take everything so seriously”.
We broke up after 6 months as it didn’t feel right but then she said she couldn’t live without me. I’d come to love her and wanted us to work so we carried on.
I guess we were doomed from the start.
Lately she has made it very obvious and even said to me that I’m allot to deal with, that I’m draining. In a discussion (argument I suppose) mocked me in a silly voice saying “oh look at me I’m so deep and spiritual and better than everyone else” (I’ve never felt better than anyone in my life, I struggle with my self esteem but think we’re all equal in life). Mocked me for saying I just want her to show me something real.
I’ve felt that it’s probably just me being a bit crazy but 2 weekends ago changed my view a bit.
We were going to stay at her house but my youngest DS said he didn’t want to so I had a chat with him and said it’s ok to feel like that but what was it that he was worried about. (In private).
He said that DP (exdp... I’m finding it hard to refer to her as that ) didn’t let him do anything and was moody and he just gets told off all the time. As much as I love him he can be challenging with the additional needs so I saw it from both sides.
I then had a word (again in private) with exdp... and told her how he felt and asked if she could maybe find the time to have a chat as I could see it from both sides but I was sure If she had a chat it would reassure him and she said I was telling her what to do, was making her feel guilty and was manipulative.
Fine if my emotions are allot to deal with but this is my DS and that wasn’t fair.
I realised things go this way more often than not but I’m stuck wondering if I just exaggerate things, make mountains out of molehills or am just a bit crazy.
Have I given up on someone who loves me and wants this family but is struggling or have I done the right thing? We’ve been back and forth so much that it can’t happen again, I just wish it had been different.

I feel so guilty sharing all of that.
I love her so much
I feel like this all paints her as a terrible person and really she’s not.
She made so much effort with my son at the beginning and found it very hard that I wouldn’t always be comfortable with how she wanted to parent my DS.
I did question her about things he said had happened.
I also questioned that she was being fair and I didn’t always back her up.
Was that wrong of me?
Was it my fault she lost her relationship with him?