Feeling angry and bemused

[Anthorn]

Back story. Been married for less than 2 years. Second time around for both of us. Mid 50's. no issues and happy or do I thought.
Last week saw dh working at computer. Walked past and kissed the top of his head. He bristled and tried to close his email down. Read a message to another woman, just chat, nothing sexual. Challenged him and he said he'd only emailed 5-6 times, didn't know who it was and swore he wouldn't do it again. Deleted messages and had been very apologetic.
I feel confused and cross. What do you think he's up to? And should I be worried?

Did he explain why he is messaging someone he doesn’t know?

What does he mean he doesn’t know who it was?
He’s guilty of something - maybe just having a flirtatious exchange but that’s still not on. I’d have a frank conversation about what this might lead to and that you do not accept it as part of a committed marriage.

He has emailed a complete stranger 5 or 6 times? That's the story he's going with? Please don't be daft enough to believe that bullshit. His reaction when caught is all you need to know.

He said he got an email from someone he didn't know and it said hi how are you. He said he replied as he was feeling low.

Haha, what a load of old cobblers. If he didn't have anything to feel guilty for, why was he apologising?

Sounds like he went fishing for a woman to talk to. Either that or he's been slagging u off to this random. That would explain him bristling when you were about to notice.

He said he got an email from someone he didn't know and it said hi how are you. He said he replied as he was feeling low.

Right. And I have a bridge to sell you.

What the fuck?

He got an email from someone he doesnt know and told them about his mental health?

That's bollocks. He has signed up to one of those dodgy porn/meet up sites. You get loads of junk mail when you do and phishing scams.

Usually random emails from women you dont asking to chat. Usually, the arent women at all. Some bloke sat emailing him, strikes up an emotional attachment then rinses the idiot replying, for all they are worth.

I know this because my best friends husband did it. He was a banker and just kept signing up to dodgy as fuck meet up sites. They sell your email address to a shit ton of scammers.

No one, in their right mind just replies to someone they dont know. He knows why he got a random email and he knows exactly what he was looking for when he did.

OP he is lying to you and you cant move past it until you know the truth.

He has a professional job and gets lots of junk email, I told him he was an idiot for replying to one and he agreed. I said it could be anyone and they could be trying to rinse him. So want to believe he's just been stupid

He says he's also blocked the sender

He replied from his professional email to someone he doesnt know?
Really?

Have you spoken to him about why he’s feeling low?
Ask him..... I’ll bet he’s answer will be something along the lines of ‘You don’t give me enough attention’
They all start like that.....

Sorry yes he has a professional job but he was using his personal email account.
He said he was just feeling lonely and had no friends to talk to.
I'm switching between being really angry with him for being so stupid or wondering if he was looking for more than me

I wonder if he has remembered to delete the ‘Sent Items’ emails? Can you get on to check?

Messaging someone with you right there in the house then deleting the messages! Utterly shite excuse too. Christ, what does he do when you are not around if that's what he does in plain sight?

It's not really anything to do with you. Or rather that you arent enough.

Have you seen all the emails?

No I haven't checked his emails. Don't have the password and never really felt the need.

I was just sat across the room from him on the sofa and he was working at the kitchen table. He looked tired and I was worried that he was working too hard. I asked him why he was working so late and he said he was doing work emails. I just got up and put my arms around him from behind and kissed his head then noticed the email and then my heart sank

I dont mean have you gone through all his emails or do you go through them.

I mean, surely he showed you the rest of what he had sent, going back to the first one?

Did you see the email address?

No he didn't show me any of them. Just said there were 5-6 and he had deleted them.
Could only read a bit of the one I saw and it was along the lines of "I like playing sport and going to the cinema".

The reason you wont get past this, is because you know it's not true.

If it was innocent, he would have shown you.

If that's what he was writing what made your heart sink? What else did you see?

Personally I would go make him open the emails and show you them, there and then, and I would take note of her email address.

I would also want to see his sent and junk mail folders.

Who emails random they don't know unless it's a dating site or he's sent or received messages on social media?

If he had nothing to hide he wouldn't have deleted the messages.

I think my heart sank when he said he wasn't emailing a friend (he has some female friends that he's known for years) and that he closed the laptop down pretty quickly. He then tried to explain his behaviour and I just fell apart as I was so shocked

Deleted emails are usually kept in a trash folder for 30 days before being permanently cleared. They'll be there unless he went back to the folder and permanently deleted them or the entire folder. His browser history may have a record. Deleted files can be restored but it needs to be soon.

If it were me, I'd first try snooping. Don't mention it again until you've done that. If you find something, ask but don't tell him what you know. You'll see if he's lying. If you find nothing, still ask. At that time (soon) I'd tell him he needs to show you to restore the trust. Whatever he was doing, he knows he shouldn't have been.

And he HAS given you a reason to check.

To be honest I'd find it really difficult to snoop on him. He's a great guy and I trust him totally. Or at least I did but now I'm not so sure. I think if I ask him he would show me the emails if he can retrieve them. He has double deleted emails in the past he doesn't want to read again. We are on holiday at the moment with his teenaged children so will wait until we get home.

What did the email say?

I don't believe it was random either. No one innocent shuts their laptop to stop their partner seeing. Had he said he is lonely before?

He's tired as he's had lots of challenges at work recently, we are both probably drinking more as a result and need to reset our limits. I thought we were good at sharing concerns and problems we were facing but I guess I was wrong