Feeling angry and bemused

[Anthorn]

Back story. Been married for less than 2 years. Second time around for both of us. Mid 50's. no issues and happy or do I thought.
Last week saw dh working at computer. Walked past and kissed the top of his head. He bristled and tried to close his email down. Read a message to another woman, just chat, nothing sexual. Challenged him and he said he'd only emailed 5-6 times, didn't know who it was and swore he wouldn't do it again. Deleted messages and had been very apologetic.
I feel confused and cross. What do you think he's up to? And should I be worried?

And consider checking his bank account as you can't usually exchange messages for free on dating sites.

as you can't usually exchange messages for free on dating sites
You really can.
All the common ones you can anyway - POF, Tinder, Bumble, Zoosk, etc..... Dating APPS anyway. Which is what he will have on his phone.
Others like Elite Singles, Match, etc..... you do have to pay - I believe. I've never used them so not entirely sure.

And.... if he did have pictures and deleted them, you may still find them in the deleted folder so check there.

I think this sounds very like a dating site too sadly. I do know a couple of married guys who just did this for the buzz and had no intention of actually meeting anyone, they just loved the feeling of getting interest and ‘ being chatted up’ and the banter. It didn’t end well for either of them!! Wives didn’t quite see it that way. I honestly think one issue is so many people get used to this online buzz and the novelty of the new that they are almost in mourning for it if they actually get a proper relationship

He said he was just feeling lonely and had no friends to talk to
That's the excuse he uses to justify his actions.
I bet he's been like this the whole time you've been together - just the first time he got caught.

Next it will be "i only do it because i feel YOU don't make me feel loved/wanted/appreciated enough".

If it was innocent and he wasn't messing around behind your back he would have been open with you from the start.

I do tend to think, it's unlikely this was only going on 3 days when the OP saw the messages.

Chances are it's been longer.

So we've had a long talk and he is adamant it was the only time and was only a few messages. He's really upset and seems genuinely contrite. He says he would have come to his senses if I hadnt seen him. I want to believe him but have told him that I don't trust him, am devastated by his behaviour and don't know what to do next. I've told him he had jeopardized everything we have and I'm not sure I want to continue to be married to him. He's shocked and is trying very hard to be extra nice and helpful around the house. I'm considering my options.

And has he shown you the messages?

It's easy to be upset after the event. He wasn't thinking much of that beforehand. It's also easy to play the perfect, contrite partner once he's been caught.

I'm glad you're thinking things through but it sounds like the focus is firmly on him still.

OP, your husband is a liar. He was secretly messaging another woman while across the room from you. He told you that he was “doing work emails.” That was a lie. When you kissed his head, he bristled and tried to hide his betrayal. He then minimized his wrongdoing to being “only” 5 or 6 messages and shifted the blame to loneliness.

His tears mean nothing. He is still being dishonest. Where is his transparency? He has not identified the sIte or the woman, retrieved the emails, or provided access to his password, laptop and phone. Why are you tolerating his manipulation and stonewalling? I would have already shown him the door.

He's happy to show me his phone and computer but says the emails have been deleted then deleted again. I've no idea how to try and get them back.
He's suggested changing his email address and giving me access whenever I want.

So, has he found out how this 'mystery woman' got his email address? Because if what he's saying is true, someone - a random woman - has got hold of his email address and emails him saying 'how are you?'

In which world did this happen? Because I have quite a high profile creative job and my email address is easily available and I have NEVER had one single email from someone I don't know just saying 'how are you'. Not one. Because I have a spam filter turned up quite high.

So either he has no spam filter, someone is selling his email address to any old woman who fancies it, or he is telling the biggest porky pies ever. He's got in touch with this woman somehow. And then pretends to be working while he's chatting to her?

If he's lonely, there's online forums. How many of us are on here because we are lonely, rather than 'chatting to men who happen to have emailed us without us having the faintest idea who they are?

Sneaky bastard. I wouldn't believe a word out of his mouth.

Sounds like a dating profile, he didn't set one up by accident.

How convenient he deleted the messages.

Sorry OP

💐💐

Why isn't he offering you access to his current email address?

Also you've only been married 2yrs, should still be in the honeymoon period. Not sniffing around other women.

This is not down to you OP. This is all him.

When she replies to him again, all his messages will be visible within her email. Ask for full access to his current email account.

He wouldn't have deleted them if it was that innocent. He'd want to show you and prove it was what he said it was.

I get random emails from women I dont know. They are usually Eastern European and aged in their late 20's or early 30's. Sometimes they come with a photo - nothing explicit, just a normal photo. They send a long email about how they are lonely & want to meet a good man to marry etc etc.

Probably has started from me going on some dodgy dating sites. But then I'm single. I would say this is more the case OP than actual dating sites he's been on.

Why did he double delete them if it's all innocent and only started Friday? He would want to show you, to prove nothing more has gone on.

He has suggested changing his email address and THEN giving you full access. Why? Why not full access to the email address he has now?

He is crying, trying extra hard because he is trying to make you believe hevisnt up to anything.

Look Op, I get you dont want to face this. But if you ket ut go, he will do it again but just be better at hiding it.

It's totally up to you what you do, but you either face up to it now. Or face up to it in a few years when you find out, again.

He isnt being honest. He has got rid of it all, which he wouldnt had it have been innocent. He is expecting you so be the good little wife, believe him, he wi be sorry for while and then go back to it.

If he believed you texting someone you really shoildnt have been, wouldnt you show him it was entirely innocent?

Personally, I believe by moving past this now, you are saving up trouble for yourself in the future.

He claimed he was lonely with no one to talk to and you were right there with him....I would feel very hurt and insulted by that. He needs to come completely clean. If not then play it cool and do lots of snooping.

The access to a NEW email address doesn't make sense, as pp have said - why not access the one he has? It's a perfect cover for him as obviously he would continue to use the old one for things he doesn't want you to see. Sorry you are dealing with this, easy to brush under carpet but the double deleting says it all I am afraid.

I get the odd spam email from an Eastern European woman looking for love but I don’t know what happens if you reply as it is so obviously not genuine. Could he have responded to one of those? In which case he/she/they would probably have been asking for money at some stage. He’s not that naive is he?

I am sorry this is happening to you. I am going through similar. And it sounds like a dating site set up. Which means accessing the app, setting up an account and choosing who you talk to. Very deliberate and not some random woman.

As,I said to my DH , married men have NO business being in contact with women outside of your social circle.
Lonely ?! WTF - you don't have family and friends to be with ?? What an insult.

And mine did the crying thing when caught out too.Seems like his pleasure/curiosity outweighed the skankness of it all. And now he is embarrassed and afraid of you giving him a hard time or even throwing him out.

I really feel for you OP. It is absolutely horrible when your supposedly true partner behaves like this . And you are now having to deal with shit that they bring to your life.

Why did his last marriage end ? What would his 1st ex wife say do you reckon ?

2nd marriage in 50s, I hope he doesn’t just want someone to dote on him in old age. He was not lonely and had nobody to talk to, he has a wife ffs.

I think he is full of it & deep down you know it! Make him grovel