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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling angry and bemused

115 replies

Anthorn · 28/07/2019 17:15

Back story. Been married for less than 2 years. Second time around for both of us. Mid 50's. no issues and happy or do I thought.
Last week saw dh working at computer. Walked past and kissed the top of his head. He bristled and tried to close his email down. Read a message to another woman, just chat, nothing sexual. Challenged him and he said he'd only emailed 5-6 times, didn't know who it was and swore he wouldn't do it again. Deleted messages and had been very apologetic.
I feel confused and cross. What do you think he's up to? And should I be worried?

OP posts:
Original poster
Anthorn · 30/07/2019 08:23

randommess he would give me access to his current emails but if he's double deleted I won't find anything will I

OP posts:
Original poster
Anthorn · 30/07/2019 08:25

wishihad im trying so hard not to be the little compliant wife. I've barely spoken to him since we got back off holiday, I ranted and raved when we discussed it last night, I've said that I'm considering what to do and I mean it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anthorn · 30/07/2019 08:28

had the snip2 I think you have got it spot on. He's been a fool and responded to a random email. I'm pretty certain that he's not on dating apps.

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prawnsword · 30/07/2019 08:30

Re deleted emails - if she writes back his original emails will be in the conversation thread below. This is why he doesn’t want you to have access to his current mail. If he is smart he would have set up an email redirection to a different, possibly new email account.

If I were you would go quiet/stealth mode and see what else he is up to. He may be on a dating site and they have taken the conversation to email.

He will have wiped his internet history, but lack of evidence is also a clue.

Does he have a lock on his phone ? You really should check his search history.

It sounds like he is more technical than you...so he will be trying to bamboozle you using this angle.

Original poster
Anthorn · 30/07/2019 08:32

prawnsword his wife left him. We have been friends for over 20 years and I know him really well.

OP posts:
prawnsword · 30/07/2019 08:32

Re dating apps - it won’t be an app, it would be a dating website. In his 50s, it would be an older one like e harmony, rsvp etc... things people used before apps came into play.

Wishihad · 30/07/2019 08:32

You want ongoing access to his current emails. He will still get spam from these websites and she will reply at some point. Or try and prompt him to email again.

Infact, if he has emailed her several times and tells you the first part of her email, to can type it into the 'To' box and it might auto populate.

I feel like you are going down the road of letting it go because he has acted sorry and doing more around the house and have accepted he double deleted these messages. Sorry if I upset you. But I believe that's what he is hoping for.

You need to touch to have access to his emails. And tell him you want to look at them alone and check all his folders including the sent box. If he has deleted the sent box, you know he was he is covering his tracks.

In his junk folder, over the course of a day there is likely to be emails from websites he has been on. There definitly will be over the course of a week.

He has deleted all evidence and hoping that you just accept it.

Original poster
Anthorn · 30/07/2019 08:38

He does have a lock on his phone but he's given me the number and said I can check anything I want. So I will look at the search history. He's said that if she contacts him again via another email address he will show me everything before he deletes it.

I'm feeling strong this morning, but do you know when something awful happens and you wake up and it hits you immediately. That's how I feel and I know it will be days or even weeks before it's not the first thing to hit my head when I wake up. I hate him so much at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anthorn · 30/07/2019 08:43

wishihad don't worry you aren't upsetting me, you are giving me really helpful advice which I'm very grateful for. It's so useful to have someone thinking about this who is not emotionally involved. Thank You!
Later on today I will do a full check of his phone, computer and tablet, all have been left out for me. Obviously anything sinister will have been deleted but I will look at search histories, junk, deleted stuff too.

OP posts:
TheVoiceInTheShed · 30/07/2019 08:46

Does he have WhatsApp ? I know most move the contact to there, check archived chats.

Original poster
Anthorn · 30/07/2019 09:12

Yes he's got WhatsApp so I will check that too. Lots of good advice being given to me and I'm so grateful.

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SignedUpJust4This · 30/07/2019 09:17

No point checking his phone history as he will delete or go incognito. If he has an iPhone you can check his Web activity in advanced settings.

peekyboo · 30/07/2019 09:18

One of the saddest things in this situation is your willingness to give him some benefit of the doubt at the same time as thinking you are being strong and defiant with him.

You don't know he hasn't been on a dating app, or a dating site. You don't know he hasn't been doing this for months with different women. You don't even know really how many emails he has deleted. Maybe he deletes them regularly and his part truth is that he only had a few to delete (this time).

You want some things to be true, such as it being a random email - come on, really? How likely is that? It isn't, it just is not likely.

Be wary of what you want to believe vs how you think you are acting. Imagine it like yelling at someone to show them how angry you are, but then continuing on a normal day after. If the person can put up with being shouted at for a while, normal life continues after. A little bit of suffering then do what you like again.

He's put his head down, doing the housework, boo hoo crying after he's basically broken your heart, and hoping that his promises will he enough to calm you down so he doesn't lose everything. At which point he'll start again.

SignedUpJust4This · 30/07/2019 09:18

You shouldn't have to though. He's given you reason enough not to trust him. He either sits you down and tells you the whole truth and answers all questions and shows all evidence or you can't trust him.

peekyboo · 30/07/2019 09:19

A thought: you could reverse image search his pictures and see if any pop up on a dating site.

prawnsword · 30/07/2019 09:22

@peekyboo so spot on, well said

Original poster
Anthorn · 30/07/2019 09:32

peekyboo I get what you are saying and yes he could have done a forensic clean of all devices and I won't find anything. You are probably right in that I simply couldn't face the fact that there have been other instances or that it's far more than he says. I need to consider my options and I guess they range from tellling him to leave (it's my house) or forgiving him and trying to rebuild trust.

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Zaphodsotherhead · 30/07/2019 09:39

I might be techologically incapable...how could she contact him again via another email address? Unless he gave it to her? Is she just typing in random email addresses and hoping it hits the right person? Or is she contacting him via work and his work addy is visible on a website?

newmomof1 · 30/07/2019 09:50

If she does email him again it should show the whole email thread so hopefully this comes through and you can know for certain one way or the other Thanks

Wishihad · 30/07/2019 09:57

Be wary of what you want to believe vs how you think you are acting. Imagine it like yelling at someone to show them how angry you are, but then continuing on a normal day after. If the person can put up with being shouted at for a while, normal life continues after. A little bit of suffering then do what you like again.

I have a friend whose husband does just this.

Basically does what he wants, once went on a stag do disappeared from the group, the group called his wife. Wife checked and he taken £600 put of the bank and didnt trim to for 4 hours.

After a week or so of her kicking off, they just moved and she accepted he just spent that money buying rounds of drunks and walked back to the hotel alone, took a nap then went and found his friends.

He does what he wants because he knows he will get it in the ear for a bit then it will be forgotten.

Original poster
Anthorn · 30/07/2019 10:40

Yes if she does email again I should be able to see the whole email train.
We keep our finances separate and both pay into a joint account for bills. I could manage financially on my own if I had to.
If he can prove it's only a one off I think I can accept it eventually. If it's part of a bigger picture then we are done.

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villamariavintrapp · 30/07/2019 10:45

Wait a minute, he said 'if she contacts him again via another email address he'll show you the emails'? So he thinks she has enough personal information about him after '5 or 6' emails to track him down like this? He's lying.

Original poster
Anthorn · 30/07/2019 11:15

No what I mean is that she has his email address but he has blocked the one she used to contact him. If she changes her email address and contacts him again it won't be blocked iyswim

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Chunkers · 30/07/2019 12:26

Check the sent items folder, he may have forgotten about that.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/07/2019 13:01

I will re-iterate the below for when you check his phone.
Have a look at the battery in settings, and see where he has been spending his time
Look at the battery 'usage'
There are usually 2 tabs.
One showing the last 24 hours and the other the last 7 days.

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