Feeling angry and bemused

[Anthorn]

Back story. Been married for less than 2 years. Second time around for both of us. Mid 50's. no issues and happy or do I thought.
Last week saw dh working at computer. Walked past and kissed the top of his head. He bristled and tried to close his email down. Read a message to another woman, just chat, nothing sexual. Challenged him and he said he'd only emailed 5-6 times, didn't know who it was and swore he wouldn't do it again. Deleted messages and had been very apologetic.
I feel confused and cross. What do you think he's up to? And should I be worried?

The thing is, its ine thing being lonely. Emailing random women to try and fix that isnt on.

I may be out of order asking this. But I get the impression that you dont actually want the truth. You seem to be making excuses for him, didnt ask to see the emails straight away and have just accepted what he said. It feels like you purposely want to just pretend it didnt happen.

I am not judging, but I suspect you just want to find away to forget rather than actually find out the details.

What do you mean you have both been drinking too much?

That sounds like he’s trying to get to know someone on a dating or hook up site.
I’d be snooping or asking more questions and carefully watching his reactions.
Sorry OP 😕

You could be right wish perhaps I don't want to have to face the truth if it means he's not committed to me.
The drinking is easy to address. We usually don't drink during the week but as the end of term was hard we had taken to having a drink most nights. Never drunk but more than I'd prefer.

Maybe I'm being very naive but he's a good man, loving and supportive and I guess I don't want to envisage a life where I doubt his commitment and truthfulness

I suppose you have to decide. Would you rather know the truth?

Or turn a blind eye to it. Either way it's happening, regardless.

I agree with pp, that's sounds more like an email he would send to someone on online dating or a hook up site.

I am sorry OP, but you dont tell some random that you feel down and talk about your hobbies and what you like doing.

Email 101, is dont reply to random emails.

And you are on holiday, with his kids and he is telling you he needs to do some work. But is actually emailing another woman? Is that really ok with you?

It's a ridiculous excuse. If you want to believe it, that's up to you but you're only storing more trouble for the future.

If he's lonely, let him go in a club or a FB group and chat there. This was online dating at the very least.

Don't be a fool for a man who isn't what you thought he was. At the very least, face it full on, ask to see the emails and don't be drawn in by the woe-is-me waily waily that he'll have as back up for when you can't let it go any longer.

Are we not constantly being advised not to open any emails unless we know the sender etc? Hacking and scams are happening all the time so why would an intelligent and savvy man open a random email from an unknown?

There is a huge fish in the room and I can smell it. Not the responses the OP wants to read but there is nothing about his story/explanation which makes much rational sense.

I have worked with seemingly happily married men (of all ages) who boasted of affairs and all kinds of activity which I am sure their wives and partners would be horrified to learn.

It happened last Sunday, we were due to go on holiday the following day and are coming home tomorrow. I didn't want to let the kids down so have just parked it for a week. Coming back home means I need to face reality. I'm such a fool. God knows how things will pan out but I've got to face facts, have a frank discussion with him and then decide what to do next.
I've felt so supported by all the comments you've posted and although I may come across as naive and trusting I have got a backbone and will consider everything you've written.

Well he was doing as you were preparing to go away. Not much better than while you are away.

In a week, he will have had plenty of time to hide and double delete things. Especially if he can access his email on his phone.

If he has nothing to show you, you know it's really bad. Not having the emails means he has something to hide. I would demand to see them. Very spot if the moment, soon after you get back. If they are gone, you know it's all bullshit.

I really, really wish you well. Its awful that when we see a side of someone we didnt know was there.

Sounds like he may have been on a dating app and was chatting with a woman. Sorry op 😐

Something to ask him is, if he was lonely, what was he expecting out of signing up for this stuff that he wouldn't get from chatting with other blokes about common interests on an open forum? Why women? And why should you trust anything he tells you, anyhow?

I’m sorry OP. I think he’s trying to mislead you. It’s just too far fetched. An intelligent person wouldn’t reply to an email from goodness knows where.

I did ask him why and he said he didn't know, he got upset and said he'd not done it before. I asked him what his intentions were and what would he have done if I hadn't caught him and he said he thinks he would have come to his senses and stopped. Of course I've no idea if he would or not.

Come to his senses and stopped what exactly? If he was just chatting because he was lonely, then he didn't need to stop.
He's just saying whatever you want to hear. I feel really angry for you, what a mess.

I think he is on a dating app. Maybe not going out on dates but messaging women.

The fact that he tried to shut down the email on the screen before you saw it is the red flag for me.

Yes it is a bloody mess and I'm so angry I can hardly bring myself to look at him. I've been acting normally during the day with the kids but when we go to bed I've been very cool towards him and have just said goodnight and gone to sleep. He's spent the week saying he loves me and has been referring to me as his wife far more than usual. Kind of like he is reminding himself that he is married if that makes sense?

Are you okay? I'm sorry when you said he double deletes emails that was a huge red flag. No one does that unless they're hiding something. I'm sorry OP x

Thanks for the concern name yes I'm fine just trying to think what to do. I know it's probably going to be far worse than he's said so far as it just doesn't seem to make any sense. I've told him that I think he's been a fool if he's just responded to a random email. I can forgive a fool but not a cheat. When we get home tomorrow I will talk to him again and update you all. Thanks for helping me clarify my thoughts and for making me realise I'm right to be suspicious.

He is trying to remind you that you are his wife imo. He is trying to be a lovely, and talking about your relationship status to try and get you to to move past this.

Kind of 'I really fucked up but, we are married. We can get through this'.

Has he been married before, do you know how that marriage ended?

It does sound like the discussion you would have before you have met eg a dating app. His excuse is not likely is it.

I think you are right wishihad and I hadn't really thought of it in that way. We've both been married before, and have known each other for years, just think his marriage ran out of steam.. Been together six years and married for just under two.

Messages started on the Friday night apparently and ended when I caught him on Sunday, says there were only about 5-6 messages each but obviously cant be sure. So want to think it's just a stupid error of judgement. We have (had?) a good marriage, have lots of fun together and our families have blended well. Such a bloody mess. He's gone out for a run and I'm on here trying to process my feelings. Home today to face the music.

A dating app would make sense

Good luck, OP. I hope he can be completely honest with you now.

He said he was just feeling lonely and had no friends to talk to
Are you not his friend?
That's a horrible thing to say to your own wife as a crappy excuse.
I would guess a dating app as well.
See if he will allow you access to his phone.
Have a look at the battery in settings, and see where he has been spending his time.

See if he's downloaded any pictures onto his phone as well. He might not have thought to delete those.