Feeling angry and bemused

[Anthorn]

Back story. Been married for less than 2 years. Second time around for both of us. Mid 50's. no issues and happy or do I thought.
Last week saw dh working at computer. Walked past and kissed the top of his head. He bristled and tried to close his email down. Read a message to another woman, just chat, nothing sexual. Challenged him and he said he'd only emailed 5-6 times, didn't know who it was and swore he wouldn't do it again. Deleted messages and had been very apologetic.
I feel confused and cross. What do you think he's up to? And should I be worried?

All the checks on his phone and email will only confirm what you already know: your husband has been chatting up other women online, while in the same room as you. It doesn't matter who, or how long or which sites of if it's an app. He's set his feet firmly on the path to cheating, and being found out is scuttling off it again while the dust settles.

If it helps you see the lousy man for what he is, look for proof. If you want to try to work through it and rebuild trust, he needs to be honest.

And seriously, without a really specific cause, who double deletes their emails?

Will do Belleville
Thanks peekaboo more food for thought
Got through the day by busying myself with work - another discussion looms tonight

Sorry that was for hellsbells

Good luck op. I get the temptation to look the other way and believe him. I just genuinely believe you will be storing up future hurt for yourself.

If this was all innocent. He would have saved the emails to prove it to you.

I really hope you managed to have another discussion last night where he actually told you the truth and didn't just assume you were a dumb woman who would believe his lies.

We had another long chat and he's adamant he responded to a random email and had about 5-6 messages between them. He says he's done nothing else. He's going to change his email address. He's walking around with his head hung low and I'm getting the full "I'm so sorry, you are the only one I love, what can I do to make it up to you, what do you want me to agree to so that you feel better" treatment. Neither of us have slept well and I can't bear to look at him or be in his presence much during the day.

The trouble is I don't know what he can do to rebuild trust with me. I don't want to throw away what we have but equally am not prepared to be made a fool of. We seem to be at stalemate at the moment.

I checked the battery usage on his phone and there's nothing untoward on there. No dating apps or anything like that.

Has he given you a reasonable explanation as to why he did this though?
He can fuck off with the lonely crap because that's just an insult to you.
I'm glad his battery usage didn't show anything untoward.
What was his highest usage app?

This is your life and your marriage so only you can decide where you go from here.
Could he give you a bit of space to really think things through?
You can't think clearly with him in your space.
Or could you go and visit someone for a week to talk things out and think about what you want for your future?

I don't think there is anything he can do to make it up to you.
But if you want to then you can work through this.

He just said it was a moment of madness and he can't explain it.
Yes the woe is me stuff is just pissing me off and I'm ignoring it completely.
Highest usage was the remote access site he uses for work.
I'm planning lots of time away from him to think - gym today, day out shopping and lunch tomorrow and visiting my sister at the weekend. He's definitely not invited and I've told him to sort his own plans. Hopefully with space and time a way forward will become clearer for me.
Thanks for your support.

The problem is that he cant do anything now. Because he deleted all the emails

Why does he need to change his email address. It's one woman. If she enails from another address, he just shows you and then deletes it.

He is going to be adamant. Because right now he knows you have no way to find out if he is lying or not.

Personally, I couldnt let go of the fact that he basically cleared everything out and then expects you to trust him, after breaking your trust.

He needs to unblock her email address so that she can respond and you can see the chain.

Actually you need to do that, having changed the password on his old email address so that he can’t delete anything before you see it.

If he’s trying to prove what he’s saying is true, why hasn’t he suggested that?

The new email is pointless, he could easily create two - one for you to see, another for him to do what he wants. It would prove nothing.

Go into his email, unblock the person, change the password and don’t tell him what it is. Then tell him that you have emailed her to forward the conversation (don’t actually do that), and see if he’s any more forthcoming.

I think he needs to get to the bottom of 'why', otherwise it will happen again (just maybe in a different form/with a different woman).

You can drive yourself mad with the 'trying to find out how many messages', but if you sit him down and find out WHY he felt 'lonely' and the need to message some random (who may not even be a woman, you could point that out), you may get some answers. And don't let him put the blame on you for 'neglecting' his poor sorry ass.

Of course he knows why he did it. All the 'I don't know's are just deflection. If he actually has to verbalise to YOU why he did it, it might be a wake up call to both of you.

@Anthorn

With my now Ex, I tried to ‘move past it’ & ‘rebuild the trust’ but it’s soul destroying. You’re in conflict all the time with what you know & what you’re pretending to believe - you can fool others, but fooling yourself is far harder & far more destructive.

I loved him, I loved our life, I believe he loved me & our life too and I believed him when he said he regretted it and it meant nothing... but the bottom line was HE destroyed the trust & what we had and whilst you can kind of glue that back together it’ll never be like it hadn’t been broken.

I totally understand you wanting to fix it & get past this, but sadly, it will NEVER be the same again. It took 2 years for me to finally say ‘I can’t live like this’ two very hard years not weeks or months.

And no matter how much I love DH he knows that if he crosses a line I will never put myself through that again for any man. No way.

Not to mention that his comment that he was lonely is so fucking insulting. He’s married to you - why is he lonely??? And why is he looking for friendship/companionship/comfort from some woman online & not talking to you or finding himself a genuine social life?! Bullshit - for ‘lonely’ read ‘seeking sexual ego boost ‘ (at best) or looking for sex (more likely)

Look after yourself 🌷

Good advice from you all. Thank you so much for giving me lots to think about and talk to him about. I've got a busy few days planned and won't be around much so it gives me plenty of time and space to determine how I want to move ahead.

The idea about unblocking her to see the chain of emails from her email is not bad..