If you are married/a parent, help me take off the rose tinted glasses about it? (I’m single and sad about it!)

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After some absolutely wonderful advice from lovely mumsnetters about being single and really wanting children...I thought this thread may be a dose of reality.

I will always want kids more than anything and the whole DH set up, but in the meantime, tell me the downsides so I can appreciate where I am in life?!

:)

It took me 3 hours to do 10 minutes worth of work today and 3 kids screamed at me all at once on several occasions.
I went 9 months where I got so delusional from lack of sleep I actually decided I wouldn't bother trying anymore and survived (questionably) on 2-3 hours of broken sleep a night. A 40 minute stint was a luxury.
My vagina is a mess.
I've aged 15 years in 5 years.
I'm broke.
I haven't been out out in 3 years.
I haven't been on a date with my husband in even longer.
I don't have sex because I'M JUST TOUCHED TOO MUCH ALL THE TIME.
I've been tired for 5 years.
I'm broke.
I get whined at a LOT.
Holidays are no longer a chance to relax.
Ditto weekends.
Ditto evenings.
Ditto night time.

There's loads more if you want it?
I'm now a bit stuck as I sound like an ungrateful whingeing bitch, but if I try to justify it with how much I love my family etc it will ruin the point. Hope it helps!

What she said ^^

I’m an introvert and need peace to recharge every day. I therefore have to stay up past 10 every night to get it, meaning I’m always in bed super late, trying to wind down to sleep and tired every morning and wishing I didn’t have to get up

Oh and my last pregnancy triggered rheumatoid arthritis, so that’s a fun addition to the family

My DHs farts smell like something crawled up his arse and died.

I have a genuine scar on my areola from trying to establish breastfeeding in the early days.
If I want to pop to the shop, I have to take more stuff with me than I used to take for a weekend away.
Since getting married my husband has miraculously forgotten how to pack for holidays. If we go away, I have to double check what he’s put in the suitcase as across our last three holidays he’s forgotten pants, socks, a suit for a destination wedding, his wallet, any toiletries, belts and jumpers.
My child screams any time she’s in a car seat/pram so I have to carry her everywhere. She’s nearly 5m now and getting heavier by the day

Going out and doing adult stuff takes a lot of planning now.

DH and I were reminiscing about seeing an article about our favourite band playing in Glasgow and just heading over there from Edinburgh after work. Spontaneity doesn't exist.

I have to think about someone else's plans ALL THE TIME. How what I do will impact on him/the children. I can't just bugger off if I feel like it.

I broke my elbow recently and had to wait till DH came home before I could go to the hospital.

Thank you for the replies!

The poster who said her DH has forgotten how to pack...in my imaginary world of a family I always think I would love to pack my DH’s things!! This thread is definitely helping

Although I do still desperately want all of these things!!!

You can't do anything on impulse. Cinema? No chance! Restaurant? No. Day trip? Forget it! Everything has to be planned in advance - and that's just the things you can take a dc to. Otherwise you need someone to babysit. If it's somewhere you can take the dc, rest assured they'll ruin it! They'll fight. They'll tantrum. They want sweeties, ice cream, toys, toilet, a drink - the list is endless. And you can only go somewhere that children like. Soft play, playgrounds, zoos, beach. Not where you'd like to go - theatre, posh restaurant, museums, art gallery. Just make the most of being husband-free and child-free OP. Be careful what you wish for!

The poster who said her DH has forgotten how to pack...in my imaginary world of a family I always think I would love to pack my DH’s things!! This thread is definitely helping

Let me rephrase then. My husband will go upstairs for an inordinate amount of time, during which time I’ll have to look after the baby. He then packs what he thinks he’ll need. He then comes back downstairs looking all smug, saying he’s done the packing and therefore deserves a break, so he’ll proceed to watch tv/browse Facebook/sit on his arse whilst I continue to look after the child. I later have to go upstairs and repack everything he’s packed because he’s forgotten everything he might need. For example, we’re in a hotel tonight as we’ve been at a wedding. He forgot to pack any clothes for tomorrow, no pants, no shirt, no shorts, nothing. Sometimes he’ll even pack for the baby and expect extra praise for this despite the fact he always manages to pack her things that don’t actually fit. Also when you do add in things he’s forgotten, when we arrive to the holiday destination, he whines “why did you pack this one, I don’t like this one” despite the face he’s worn it regularly for the last year.

What I’m saying is, it’s really bloody irritating. He was perfectly capable before we got married. No idea what went wrong

I had my first child 8 weeks ago.

I absolutely adore him and love him more than I ever thought it was possible to love another human. I'm well aware of how lucky I am so to anybody reading this who is struggling to have children or have lost children, this isn't a moan. I'm just stating facts on how hard it is. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate it.

DS is a very clingy baby. You cannot put him down without him crying. This results in DP getting home from work most days to me not even showered unless my mum has a day off and can come and sit with him whilst I shower.

I cannot do the simplest of things without DS attached to me, like making a drink.

Sleep deprivation is something else! I don't remember the last time I had a proper sleep. DS feeds every 3 hours if we are lucky, but takes an hour minimum to feed as he is so tough to wind. So when he wakes in the night at 2am for example, we get back to bed for around 3.30am and he's back awake for 5.00am.

I cannot leave the house at a time I plan to. Either DS will puke, poo, pee on me or will need an unexpected feed.

Leaving the house takes a lot of planning - packing his back, does he have enough milk? Is there a change of clothes in there? Do I have enough nappies? Wipes? Is there suncream in there just in case?

You cannot just "nip" anywhere.

I no longer have a handbag. Just a changing bag with one measly zip section for my purse and phone.

Babies have a profound impact on relationships so you need to ensure your relationship is solid before baby arrives. DP and I have no time for each other right now and it's so hard. I miss him holding me. I miss us having a cuddle. But as mentioned above, DS is so clingy that you cannot put him down, so one of us is always holding him.

Finally, NOBODY warns you how painful contractions are. Nobody. People vaguely talk about birth hurting and I thought they meant the popping out of the foof part, but no, many many hours of your insides feeling like they're being wrung out is what kills you.

I know these hard times will pass and I know I am blessed to have such a beautiful little boy but enjoy the freedom of coming and going as you please until you are blessed with your own little bundle of joy xx

And when you have organised a babysitter for the only night out this whole year with your DH. Then they don't turn up and you sit at home in your posh cocktail dress and DH in black tie and eat chicken nuggets instead of the 3 course meal you paid lots of money for because the the sodding babysitter has a better social life than you and has long forgotten she has a responsibility that night.

You might love to pack for your dh in the early days. But then the dc come along and somehow you end up packing for everyone and looking after the dc who are underfoot and fighting and won't leave you the fuck alone for 2 minutes. Dh is doing last minute jobs that he's suddenly decided are urgent and he can't see the problem because despite having been a parent for nearly a decade he still thinks everything can be packed and ready in 30 minutes. Then he sleeps in on the day of travel, gets up and does nothing for a while then decides he's ready to leave an hour earlier than the agreed time and gets pissy that the last minute stuff that needs to be packed takes longer than his expected 30 minutes and takes his mood out on everyone till you're all in the car ready to go. This despite the fact you were up for an hour before him wrangling the kids and getting stuff ready. Then once you've set off he expects you to be magically happy because he's happy now, despite the mean impatient mood he was in and how he treated you while getting ready to go.

A mother is only as happy as her happiest child. sometimes, no matter how hard you try you cannot make things better for your child and it is heartbreaking and soul destroying, it makes you feel selfish for craving the short period of babyhood (which is special) so much.
DH and I are the loves of each others lives but the strain of parenting is the only thing that has ever made us horrible to each other.
21 years in and I feel somewhat hollowed out.

Oh God.

Look, I married two men who were interesting affectionate professionals with apparent social lives and who loved at least some of their families. With XH it was a complete illusion. Once he had a partner he was uninterested in any contact with other people apart from one friend. He couldn't see why I wanted friends at all. He thought me wanting a baby was like me wanting another man. If I had friends to the house, which I think I did twice in five years, he would sit up in the bedroom until they left. He hated his family and only talked about money and how much he earned in front of them. It was sheer misery unless I did exactly what he wanted. The first weekend day after I left him, when I could do just as I wanted with no grief, is still the happiest day of my life.

DH was very different; completely lovable; but very very ill and I was often his carer. He never minded female friends but was so possessive about men I stopped so much as chatting at the school gate with dads. His insecurity was fathom deep. He loved ds but was incapable of doing all that much with him. He is dead now and I am grieving but also recovering. I am sleeping deeply for the first time in years.

Relationships are often difficult, especially if you are bad at communicating yourself, and you find yourself putting up with things you never ever thought you would.

DS is a joy but the never ending responsibility of parenthood is a grind too. My favourite aunt is childfree and has had the most fascinating life tbh.

Family court.
That's a right barrel of laughs.

🤨

Everything takes 3-4 times as long and needs to have some planning to make life easier.

So if you are going out to the supermarket you need to get them dressed and fed first then yourself dressed. If they are still in nappies they would do another poo before you get out the door so you need to change them.

Today it rained heavily in the morning. Pre-child if I was going to a local supermarket 10-20 minutes walk away when it was raining I would just put on a raincoat and go.

Now with 10 month old I would either ensure DP has her but if he had gone out like today it is easier to wait until the rain completely stops as if I took the car I would have been stuck in non-moving traffic for an hour and she would start screaming.

I adore my children. But honestly: having your own kids is definitely overrated!! I always say this to single/childless women!! Of course I wouldn’t want to think my kids didn’t exist. But if they had been born to, let’s say my sister, and I could have been their fun aunt instead of their mother I would have loved them all the same without having the expense, ruined body, sleepless nights and endless worried about their future... honestly, it really really isn’t so bad to be childless!!!

ive not shit, showered or peed alone in ages

i change my clothes twice a day min

i used to sleep and eat properly

i used to have clothes that fit

i will keep the above as they are... im happy even given that!! :)

Sorry, coming back to add...

Any time you’re remotely dressed up to try and go somewhere nice, my baby has this uncanny knack of vomiting all over me. She usually manages to get it in my hair too, so I’m left with the choice of smelling like vomit or getting in the shower again but risking being late/having to go with wet hair and no makeup

All I ever wanted was to be a mother.
I love my dd more than anything but never for one second realised how hard it would be.

Overdue with dd2 and despising pregnancy.

My husband leaves his pants and clothes on the bathroom floor, when i open the door it bounces off them and always catches me in the face. I have told him so many times not to and he forgets and still does it!

My son leaves his toys everywhere and im forever tripping up and standing on them.

The pair of them are trying to kill me!!! (I am rather clumsy but we will ignore that!)

Also i am ill at the moment and husband is at work i just want to curl up and feel sorry for myself but hyperactive toddler stops that! So i must suffer 😂

Also i can never go to the loo without said toddler following me and watching, it gets awkward when i need to put a tampon in!

And a slightly sad one i had to turn down a dream job today because we couldn't make childcare work, im desperate to change jobs but i doesnt look like i can until he is in school, thats two more years in a job i hate. Its a tough one

I've often remembered Philip Larkin's line 'Something is pushing them to the side of their own lives.' and felt it's true for me, much as I love them.

Before I got married and had DS I travelled a lot, and that's what I miss the most - the freedom to go new places (alone), meet new people, drop everything and spend a weekend in a random city, go exploring and have a leisurely lunch alone, etc. The loss of independence is the biggest downside for me, closely followed by missing my pre-pregnancy boobs...