If you are married/a parent, help me take off the rose tinted glasses about it? (I’m single and sad about it!)

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After some absolutely wonderful advice from lovely mumsnetters about being single and really wanting children...I thought this thread may be a dose of reality.

I will always want kids more than anything and the whole DH set up, but in the meantime, tell me the downsides so I can appreciate where I am in life?!

:)

Of course I love my family, but the complete lack of time for myself is crippling. I spend all my time catering for other people's needs, cooking, cleaning, childcare, working. I'm exhausted. I think by the time my children actually grow up and move out, I will be too old to enjoy the things I want to do.

I look at single women, enjoying freedom and job satisfaction and travelling and am green with jealousy

And somebody (DH) has used the last of the teabags...

I think of marriage and kids almost as a blissful existence with stress but nice stress.

That's the hormones. And TV.

The reality is nothing like that.

I'm not joking when I say that, if I had my time again, I wouldn't have had children.

Not that I wish the people I had out of existence - they are great - two easy babies, no real difficulties as far as they are concerned. Sailed through the first 'teenage years' and the second is just starting with no real issues. One at university and happy to have him still live at home, the other one only ever gets glowing reports from everyone she meets. Hard working, easily manageable additional needs, great company...

But for me, personally, it's the worst thing I've ever done.

Stamp on those rose coloured specs and dance naked in the rain.

Great phrase, thepink!

Some of you are really ... I don’t have the words.

I really feel so, so sorry for these poor children and I never thought I’d say that, but I do.

You don’t want them. They are an expensive inconvenience. You resent the fact that you LOVE them?

OP, children are lovely. Yes, it’s hard work but to be totally frank here, ANYTHING in life - a successful career, being an Olympic gold medalist, a PHD - anything that really means something involves a certain amount of self sacrifice and hard work.

I hope you have the family you want

I really feel so, so sorry for these poor children and I never thought I’d say that, but I do

No need to feel sorry for mine

Also no need to feel sorry for mine. I happily carried my DD for half an hour across a beach yesterday despite having a bad back because she'd cut her toe on some glass in the sand and I needed to get her to the first aid post. She snuggled her face into my neck the whole way and I wished I could feel the pain instead of her.

I happily sit with my autistic DS on the floor in supermarkets whilst he has a meltdown, holding him so he feels loved and safe, despite the looks and comments from passers by.

I do this because I love them. I exhaust myself mentally and physically because my children are the world to me.

However, it is worth women knowing that having a family is not the eternal summer of cake baking, cuddles and trips to Disney that Instagram and the TV would have us think it is.

Law of Mumsmet: There is always one who cannot pass up an opportunity to pearl clutch self righteously.

Always.

I have cried myself to sleep so often wishing I had a baby to wake me up! I’m not sure that feeling will ever go but I am sure i have an unrealistic view of it.

As for the husband....I imagine happy chats in the evening over dinner, a bbq, joint discussions about house stuff ..a poster said they didn’t like having to consult someone else, well trust me, making every decision alone is very lonely.

This thread has really really opened my eyes.

As for being single with money...I’ve travelled all over this year. Seen some great things. I would still swap it in a second to spend it all on a child..

I think of marriage and kids almost as a blissful existence with stress but nice stress.

Oh bless your heart, OP. 🤣

Honey, honestly, these lovely women aren't playing up the downsides for your benefit. If anything, they're playing it down a little because the "oh, but they're totally worth it!" mitigation statement requirement is still in play - even in a discussion like this.

OP, take what these women have said and then make it twice as dire. That's the reality...for women. Once pregnant, women discover that surprisingly little has changed in terms of the rights and status of women. Surprisingly little. They also discover that they are required to be June Cleaver, but that kids aren't like on television and a life of sky high societal expectations of maternity - combined with the brutal reality - makes for unhappy motherhood.

It’s a long emotional roller coaster ride through to adulthood and beyond.
It’s worrying all the way, after they and you have survived baby hood, there’s the school years and all that brings.
Once they’re late teens/ adults you worry about the company they keep, are they safe and if they drive you stay awake listening for the car to return.
If they go away to Uni. Are they eating/ studying/ keeping safe. Have they enough money.
Then can they get a job, are they happy, will they meet the right partner who makes them happy, can they buy a house and have security.
Then if you become a grandparent it the start of the worry circle again, with the added bonus of being a MIL!
Not to mention it’s all very costly.
I love my DCs and DGCs dearly and wouldn’t be without them.

Gee whizz so much misery and self pity on here . It's called LIFE.

Sounds like you're due some life, StuffedPenguin.

Enclume - I DON’T, ordinarily, but when people are grouching about the fact they love their children, I am like this

Stuffed, yes. Very much so.

I have cried myself to sleep so often wishing I had a baby to wake me up! I’m not sure that feeling will ever go but I am sure i have an unrealistic view of it.

I am a qualified teacher. I currently work teaching in roles that dont require me to take on any of the 'shit work' of teaching.

I bloody love it - my days are all about the children; inspiring inquiring minds; building relationships; loving their idiosyncracries; loving the teaching. I fucking love it.

Every now and again, when I have an evening in on my own, I think, "I probably could get a f/t class based role again. I'd be quite happy to spend this evening sourcing/making/laminating resources to make exciting and engaging learning opportunities..."

And that's the view of family life you currently have. All the lovely stuff and in your own time as and when you think of it.

But I know that the reality of teaching is relentless stress; no time to myself; endless guilt; never feeling like I've done enough; sleepless nights; losing all my 'me' time; having to give up the band I play in and the gigs we do; becoming one of those people who can never go out in the evening because there's always work to do; not seeing my own children at weekends/holidays because of work... etc. Etc. Etc. And then, at that point, I remember that the little imaginings I have are not the reality.

That imaginary baby isn't going to wake you once after you've had a week of good sleep. No, it might be awake for several hours at a time, every night, for years. And the annual packing for your husband for the family holiday is actually being responsible for doing everything in the house. I mean, he'll 'help' if you ask, but he won't see that it needs doing himself. That will come from you.

That's not to say don't do any of it but dont imagine it to be better than your current life. It'll just be shit in different ways!

Gee whizz so much misery and self pity on here . It's called LIFE

Not the life of my childfree friends though! They're having a whale of a time.

Married but no kids by choice. Sounds awful but some of the people I see who are truly happy in domestic bliss lack imagination and have no desire to do anything other than revolve their lives around their children.

I realised very early on that having children impacts very little on men and their lives. But women's lives generally change beyond recognition. And not for the better overall.

Everyone on this thread is articulating exactly why I don’t (and have never) wanted to marry or have children!

OP, instead of thinking about how much you want a husband and kids, why not ask yourself what it is you don’t like about the single life? What can be done to make it better for YOU, on your terms?

So far today, I have...

Got up at 6.30am with the baby.
Sorted breakfast for all four DC at 7am.
Got the younger two through the shower.
Done two loads of laundry.
Cleaned the bathroom
Put the bins and recycling out
Cleaned the kitchen
Breastfed the baby a million times
Broken up twenty fights
Picked up an extra two children
Made lunch for six children.

By contrast, DP has woken up. Is still not dressed. Played with the baby for fifteen minutes. Complained about having a headache and is yet to make it down the stairs.

And you had four because ...?

Well, because I really like them and like my life and my DP is great. Remember the title of the thread we are on!

All to predictable that there would be some "backlash" on this thread. But OP asked for the negatives! Of course, there is something distasteful about complaining about something we have and the OP desperately wants.

The thing is, many of us want a partner and children despite the downsides, many of us find it hard but worth it, and don't regret it. (Some people are unhappily married and regret having children but I do think they're in the minority.)

Some people are happily single and/or childless. But I get the impression that you're not one of them, OP, and that's OK. You don't have to convince yourself that you don't want a partner and children after all. Because if you actually do, I don't think it will help. I suppose you could reach the point when you accept that it's not going to happen for you, and you grieve the life you hoped for. But personally I wouldn't be doing that just yet. I would do what I could to get the life I want and wouldn't give up until I'd explored all my options.

Good luck to you OP whatever happens.

All too predictable (argh!)

My kids are grown now and love them very much but 10 years of sleep deprivation and pulling apart fights whilst trying to work was very very hard.

I think that’s what a lot of us are trying to say it’s way harder than you think it’s going to be.

OP, I wouldn't give up on your dreams of marriage. There are lots of happy marriages especially the childfree ones.

As I said before, me and DH have been married 40 years and are very happy and still in love. We get on so well and love spending time together.

It's not all been roses but, on the other hand, we really have not had to work at our marriage.

"No need to feel sorry for mine" nor mine!

"Law of Mumsmet: There is always one who cannot pass up an opportunity to pearl clutch self righteously." Yep!

Think you've misunderstood what this thread is about.

Think also you're being disingenuous if you claim there are only pros to having DC (or indeed any life experience!) or that the pros always outweigh the cons.

I'm wondering also, the age of your DC and if they have any chronic health conditions?

This thread the op specifically asked for the cons, which we have given, on another thread asking why people choose to have DC there's a lot of the pros of being a parent being given, certainly I have on that thread.

Not acknowledging/recognising the downsides to parenting/motherhood is frankly weird and rather smacks of deliberate denial - Why would that be necessary?

I can absolutely note and admit the difficulties without regretting or not loving my dd for a second! Indeed on the other thread I explain the heartbreak of having had 2 mc and not being able to have more after dd as I would have been risking both our lives even getting pregnant due to a rare condition I didn't know I had until I had dd!

I have been a single mum 16 years, it's been "me and dd against the world" and for the most part we have a lovely, open and close relationship but ANY relationship has ups and downs, EVERYONE has annoying habits and quirks that the people living with them are bound to find overwhelming on occasion, and sometimes even the most sociable people are just not in the right frame of mind to spend time in close proximity with others, but have no choice because you share an address! That's entirely normal.

I'm currently supporting her through a tough time at work and dealing with her boyfriend being away due to work for a few months and she's missing him like mad. I'm feeling like I wish I could do more to do so and take some of the heartache she's feeling away for her but I can't. That's damn hard! Doesn't mean I don't think she's worth it, but certainly doesn't make it any easier!