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Relationships

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If you are married/a parent, help me take off the rose tinted glasses about it? (I’m single and sad about it!)

150 replies

TrafficJamz · 27/07/2019 22:13

After some absolutely wonderful advice from lovely mumsnetters about being single and really wanting children...I thought this thread may be a dose of reality.

I will always want kids more than anything and the whole DH set up, but in the meantime, tell me the downsides so I can appreciate where I am in life?!

:)

OP posts:
Huskylover1 · 29/07/2019 17:32

Graphista Your ExH will have cheated on his current wife you know. Mine certainly cheated on his long term GF after me, and he is currently cheating on his current GF, despite them being in the process of moving in together. I can't tell her, as I have no proof (but it's from a very reliable source) and I don't really know her anyway. His current GF also has a child of 11, so despite our children now being adults, he now has another 7 years of living with a child (he will be 59 by the time she leaves for Uni) What a Bellend.

BearRabbitPants · 29/07/2019 17:35

Children:

Pelvic floor shot to bits. Have to wear an adult "nappy" if I want to go for a run. Trampolines, heavy lifting, sneezing, coughing, laughing- all no-no's!

7-8 hours sleep is literally the longest restful sleep ever- but it's never not 'broken' sleep- and I actually have 2 good sleepers! But there's always the stirring, or bad dreams, or DS needing the toilet or DD discovering she can now roll over and get stuck waking me up!

Can't ever just "pop to the shop" literally have to pack everything but the kitchen sink, then strap 2 kids in car seats, that's after wrestling them in the car seat, getting coats and shoes on in the beginning etc. If it's raining I try not to leave the house lol!

No spontaneity in life, hardly ever go out on date nights, to the cinema, weekends away. And when we do we have to plan weeks if not months in advance.

Husband:

You can't just do whatever you want, have to discuss things with another person ie. colour of paint, what to have for dinner etc

Their farts and shits absolutely fucking wreak

They can be messy, leave shit lying around ie. shoes in the hallway, coat hanging over the stairs- just fucking put away in the under stairs cupboard!!!!

They just don't 'get it' when it comes to stuff, ie having eyebrows waxed- thinks it's a waste of money because 'my eyebrows look fine to him' um yeah because I wax them- dick head!

They're from another planet!!!

There's plenty more I could write but I'd prob be here all day haha

Graphista · 29/07/2019 17:58

"Your ExH will have cheated on his current wife you know" oh yes I already knew, he's cheated on her repeatedly it's one of the reasons she's miserable. He even tried it on with me day before THEIR WEDDING.

But she feels trapped into staying with him because she doesn't want him treating her and her kids like he has me and dd - I've actually seen a screenshot of her saying this to someone (people don't keep their sm as private as they think and don't consider "the trail" of who connects to whom 😉

continuallychargingmyphone · 29/07/2019 18:21

That’s creepy Hmm

WhoIsTheFairestOfThemAll · 29/07/2019 18:45

OP, I've been married and have two children. They're now 20 and 13.

I am single and won't ever be in a relationship again.

Having experienced all states, I'd rank them (good to bad) as follows:

Single with children - autonomy but no money
Single and childfree - autonomy and money
Married with children - neither

Despite what your hormones are telling you, you won't appreciate the reality of packing for an utterly incompetent husband.

WhoIsTheFairestOfThemAll · 29/07/2019 18:48

Actually, as much as I love my children and like the people they are, if i had my time again, i wouldn't have married or had children.

ChiaraRimini · 29/07/2019 18:49

Whois, I completely agree with your analysis FWIW.
Despite this I would also add that no one would have kids if they knew the amount of worry involved, and how it feels when your child is hurting and you can't make it better.

KCM99 · 29/07/2019 19:45

Ok I love being a mum but sometimes I want to help others more in my community and go to evening courses and seminars etc but can't!! I miss being able to do those types of things.

AwdBovril · 29/07/2019 19:46

As a baby, DD would not sleep unless she was literally on DH or myself. We had to do everything in shifts. Eat, sleep, everything. DH was unfortunately unemployed by the time I gave birth, things were hard financially, but I think I'd have gone mad through sleep deprivation if he'd not been around as much. She wouldn't tolerate the pram, she'd only settle in the sling when we went out.
We tried to get her to learn how to settle in her cot - we tried laying next to her, putting a hand on her tummy to calm her, sitting on the floor next to the cot. In the dark in the light, noise, no noise, putting a piece of our clothing in with her. Nothing worked. She'd scream for hours, literally. I think 7 hours was the record (& I think that was with us mostly holding her to try to calm her). She'd scream so long & hard she'd vomit. And then it then took ages to calm back down - she often went to sleep still half-sobbing, sometimes we could hear the occasional sleepy sob 20 minutes after she'd gone to sleep. This was when she was still a baby, BTW - she figured out a Makaton sign (from Mr Tumble on CBeebies!) & her behaviour changed dramatically within a week). We were desperate & just glad of anything to help. We eventually managed to start getting her to go to sleep on her own when she was nearly 5.
She dropped naps completely by 13 months, unless she was ill. She is the most energetic child her nursery teachers, & school teachers have ever met. They all said, on first meeting her, that she'd sleep well that night, etc. Nope, we told them that was her "normal" state, she runs rings around everyone, she's absolutely exhausting. You would think she was hyperactive, except she can (sometimes) sit & concentrate, when she's motivated to. She eats a massive amount, more than me - people are astonished how much she can put away, until they see how energetic she is. She costs a fortune to feed. She's spot on the middle line for her height (which is bloody tall for her age).
My house resembles an absolute bombsite the majority of the time. By nature, I am a neat freak, but DH & DD are of the "drop it wherever" mindset, & I absolutely cannot spend my life picking up after them. I am disabled & it would be nearly a full time job...
Due to the continual untidiness, the house is also less clean than I'd like. I'm pretty severely allergic to dust. They are both aware of this. I have to take antihistamines all year to cope with the consequent allergy response.(I am also allergic to animals, mould spores, pollen etc - it's not just them causing it!)
DD has been water phobic since birth. Literally, since the pethidine wore off. She's now 7 & it's only since we've been able to coax her to go for swimming lessons that bath time has stopped being a tremendously stressful job. Up until a few months ago she had a weekly bath, as the bathroom would just be soaked due to her thrashing about, trying to escape. As a baby & toddler it was honestly a 2-person job - 1 to hold her in & comfort her, & 1 to wash her. Washing her enormously thick hair was a nightmare. Bear in mind, she's big for her age.
Potty training took over 6 months until she was even vaguely reliable. And we started late (about 3.3 yrs) because she'd flat refused at 2.9 & 3yrs - epic, epic tantrums. We had to have fleece blankets everywhere for months because of the constant failures. Even now, at over 7, she's not 100%.

She is now under investigation for ASD.

Also - finances, pelvic floor, lack of privacy, personal time, difficulty in getting pre-baby body back, etc. Plus family issues with both mine & DH's side. I never would have believed 10 years ago I would have felt like this.

BibbleBrain · 29/07/2019 21:01
  • 2 stone heavier than before DS 2, 6 months in. Nothing I own fits and everything looks crap
  • DH wonderful Dad but refuses to ever budge an inch on organising anything
  • DS 1 a wonderful boy but we’ve been on holiday two days and he asked 86 times if we can go home and 47 times if he can go back to the hotel to play with his effing trains
  • DS 2 smiley and happy but feeds 10x a day at six months, won’t allow us to sit down to eat currently and farts the most noxious gas. Honestly it could be a chemical weapon it’s so gross.
  • career as expected is in toilet
  • house is coated in plastic toys. Decoration for us is a happyland airport and various train tracks
  • I haven’t spoken to adults other than DH or shop staff more than five times since DS2 was born
  • I’ve parented through sinus infections, flu and noro virus while trying not to die for four years now
  • travelling light is a hilarious concept
  • we used to drive a two seater convertible, we’re about to buy a VW
  • gems from DS2: (make up) what have you done to your face, I don’t like it; (curly hair now hairdryer obsolete) mummy why is your hair like that? (Makes crazy movements with hands) I think you should brush it; (my favourite) when DS2 was in your tummy it was very big, now he’s out it’s only quite big (this was last week)
  • DS1 has also specifically told me he hated a black guy on train because his skin was dirty and told me a woman wearing a headscarf was his nursery teacher because only she wears one. Very very loudly indeed...
Littletabbyocelot · 29/07/2019 21:39

I miss going to sleep knowing I will be in control of when I wake up. I miss spending 48 hours reading a book just because i want to. I miss going to the loo and not having to jump off again because someone has decided they desperately need to use to loo right that second, I miss finishing a conversation, I miss my memory which remains shot after 3 years of sleep deprivation, ditto my alcohol tolerance, I miss being able to make spontaneous plans with my friends, I miss being able to drop everything for my elderly parents because I'm responsible for 2 small beings, and (on the topic of marriage) I wish I hadn't had to balance my dad's last Christmas with my MILs acute illness.

In general I have an hour or two a day that are 'mine' - and my husband (who can stay up later than me so gets his me time when I'm asleep) likes to spend that time together. Oh and he likes watching TV in bed, whereas I like silence

Flyingquestion · 29/07/2019 21:50

The constant underlying anxiety regarding the horrible things that could happen to your family.

Am going through an anxious patch and the fear is worse.

Am also divorced and really that was so traumatic.

Lots of not great things about being married in my case. Hence the divorce. In particular my ex used to ostracise me for weeks on end. Silence as punishment.

A lot of married couples put up with each other and live separate lives IMO. Or maybe I am blinkered by my own experience.

Romanceisdeadgetacat · 29/07/2019 23:55

You love your kids but the lack of sleep makes the whole experience unbearable. They warn you ‘the first few weeks they may be a bit unsettled’ er sorry did you mean the first few years up till about age 7?

Sunnyrose · 30/07/2019 09:14

Never thinking that it will happen to you..life is all rosy and you excitedly wait for your new baby, along they come, seriously ill within a week in an incubator and now nearly 5 years on with severe, permanent learning difficulties. I am full time career and our marriage has been put under so much pressure. We're exhausted and it'll never let up, this is forever.

Sunnyrose · 30/07/2019 09:14

Carer not career Hmm

WhoIsTheFairestOfThemAll · 30/07/2019 09:26

Despite this I would also add that no one would have kids if they knew the amount of worry involved, and how it feels when your child is hurting and you can't make it better

Agree.

I really hope neither of mine have children. Sounds awful to say, but I want more for them than that.

WhoIsTheFairestOfThemAll · 30/07/2019 09:36

A lot of married couples put up with each other and live separate lives IMO. Or maybe I am blinkered by my own experience.

This is very much what I see. On both sides. Men and women who were sucked in to the belief that marriage/children was the done thing in their 20s who, 10/15 yrs down the line, realise it's not all it's cracked up to be but they have kids and responsibilities now who, 10/15 yrs after that are thoroughly miserable and realise/feel it's too late to do anything about it.

I know one 30+ yrs marriage that is genuinely good but my God has she had to put up with some shit to get to the point they are at!

And another that, superficially, is ideal - they do loads together, both attractive, lovely house, gorgeous family, enough money... until you also learn that he has all her passwords and full access to her SM accounts and they only do everything together because she's not allowed to do things on her own and he constantly undermines her and makes her feel like she needs him.

But it's ok - because they love each other.

I see lots of marriages where people will tell everyone they are happy, that their DH is the best, that they couldn't live without them. I'm always very suspicious of this because I've seen what that often looks like in reality.

EgoAmigo · 30/07/2019 09:40

Body is ruined, stretch marks, pelvic floor knackered. Saggy tummy and boobs.

The lack of sleep.

The constant worry.

No time to myself, EVER

I really envy childless women

thepinkp · 30/07/2019 09:43

My size 8 body is destroyed, I married the man of my dreams who smashed them without a second thought for his family and I now care for two boys with autism 24/7 and fight their corner day in day out. Stamp on those rose coloured specs and dance naked in the rain.

WhoIsTheFairestOfThemAll · 30/07/2019 09:48

I really envy childless women

Same here.

If I'd had even an inkling of the reality, I wouldn't have done it.

Romanceisdeadgetacat · 30/07/2019 10:03

Also someone always pipes up... if it’s so bad why did you have 2?

Um because normally the first couple of years you just think you have a difficult one and you will get through it and all will be rosy when they have someone to play with.

Nope twice the work plus lots of fighting and power games. That’s why many stop at 2.

LadyFlumpalot · 30/07/2019 10:09

I'm having a week off work with DH and the kids. How lovely! Family time! Yay!

Except.... DS is playing some noisy shit on the PlayStation in my room.

DH is having the worlds longest, stinkiest and noisiest shit in my nice en-suite.

DD is racing up and down the stairs pretending to be Toothless (from aforementioned dragon film) and making very loud grunt-screams.

My living room is destroyed (I only fucking cleaned it yesterday) and at some point today I have to scrub the minging fish tank that I don't even want in the first fucking place because no other fucker in this house will do it.

If you are married/a parent, help me take off the rose tinted glasses about it? (I’m single and sad about it!)
TrafficJamz · 30/07/2019 10:21

Well these posts have certainly opened my eyes!

I’m still not sure feeling lonely and having so much time to yourself is preferable though. I can’t inagjne not wanting all of this but I am sure I have no idea at all how hard it is. I think of marriage and kids almost as a blissful existence with stress but nice stress.

OP posts:
Romanceisdeadgetacat · 30/07/2019 10:24

Go for it and come back and tell us when your rose tinted glasses have been stamped on by a 4 year old lol.

LadyFlumpalot · 30/07/2019 10:24

And yes, I love them. I really really do. I love my DC with the sort of scary, terrifying love that would compel me to jump in front of a train to save them. You have to love them that much to deal with the loss of everything you were before kids. It's a bit of a bum deal really.

Society expects us women to:

Ruin our bodies with childbirth yet still be confident sex kittens. If you don't you are "frumpy", "frigid", "mumsy".

Give up our hobbies and careers to care for said children and spouses but still contribute to the household or be labelled gold diggers if you marry someone rich or benefit scroungers if you don't.

If you don't want to marry or have kids then you are considered strange, career obsessed, people
make excuses for you.

No one ever explains "mum guilt" before you decide to have children. It's the feeling that nothing you do will ever be good enough again. It's the feeling that whatever choice you make will hurt someone. It's feeling guilty for just once wanting to spaff your savings on a nice car or some diamonds, not keep it aside "just in case"

It's that feeling that when you are surprised by a chunk of inheritance you spend it on everybody fucking else and all you get out of it is a haircut and you even feel guilty for going to the posh hairdressers.

Wow. Rant over. Sorry.