I hope this man's wife is on Mumsnet

[HollowTalk]

Article in The Guardian today - "My Life in Sex".

This is what the man says:

I met my wife at university, and we married when I was 27 and she was 25. We had a vanilla sex life for the first 10 years, after which I decided we should stop. For 29 years we have had no sexual contact. This lack of a physical relationship goes undiscussed and does not cause any tension. We both take it for granted and are rarely in the same room.

I can only assume my wife has remained celibate. Meanwhile, I get physical satisfaction from cottaging, something I started doing shortly after we married. I use a railway station toilet in London, as well as one in my local station and another near where I live.

My preference is for other married men. Picking them up is easy – you just stand at the urinal for as long as it takes. You can tell if other men are keen by whether they linger a little too long, then we make our way to a cubicle. The best time is when they travel home from work at six o’clock.

I enjoy the social status attached to being married and I still feel affection for my wife – just no physical desire. I went off sex with her because she was too emotional and clingy afterwards; I just wanted to go to sleep.

Sex with other married men is quick and involves little emotional commitment. There’s someone I’ve met several times, but I’m only interested in casual encounters. I like knowing I can give men something their wives can’t.

This is grim, his poor wife. He wants all the perks of being married as well as picking up whoever he wants.

If a woman was hanging around inside male toilets, offering her body to all of the strangers that came in, and was having sex with anyone and several strangers a day, behind her husbands back, people would say that she needed serious professional help.

But because it's a man that's doing it, it's just fine. For fuck's sake.

And, as for PP saying that they would turn a blind eye if their DH was doing this, because they are 60+, this is just so sad. You're not on life's scrapheap at 60+. You could have another 30 years to go. I'm almost 50, there is no fucking way I'd stay with DH if he was doing this. I have many years left, for good sex with a straight man, and I know my worth.

As for PP who said heterosexual married men go cottaging : News Flash....they aren't heterosexual.

Nobody said heterosexual men cottage. And women never needed to become lesbianism has never been illegal.

It was me who said I’d turn a blind eye. Not because I’m sad or on the scrap heap but because I’m damned if I’d walk away from 50% of our shared assets, not least because I’ve earned most of them.

Alsohuman you honestly wouldn't mind if your DH was shagging men in public toilets? Or anywhere really? Money trumps your relationship? I just cannot get my head around this. And yes, there were a few people who mentioned heterosexual men cottaging.

Money trumps most things when you have no prospect of earning any more of it. The older you get, the more pragmatic you get. I lost my rose tinted glasses a long time ago.

I can certainly understand a gay man taking part in cottaging, it being part of coming out perhaps or something they did when young. Many of us have a risky sexual encounter in our pasts. It's the habitual use of this system for years, when there are other options open to him, that I don't understand - well I can understand it, cheap no-effort orgasms, but I don't think it's right.

Theyre probably from some circle where you just dont get divorced and people their age arent gay.
It's ridiculous. There are similarly so many men like this whose only enconters are wuickies with prostitutes too. Their wives know but just go with it. It keeps their status quo.
This guy is about 68 I think. Am I right? So we can keep a look out.

No, gay men in their 60s were in their 30s in the 80s. Maybe you should brush up your maths. A man born in 1953 was 14 when homosexuality became legal and society continued to discriminate against and disapprove of it for a very long time after that.

Yes. They 80s, when Elton John was married to a woman and people thought Freddie Mercury was straight.

Personally, I think that there is something wrong mentally with men that continually seeking sex with random strangers, regardless of looks or age. I mean, with the glory hole things, the man sticking his penis through the hole, literally as no idea who the person is that is wanking him off. It could be an 18 year old man, it could be a wrinkly pensioner, it could be literally anyone. I find that quite disturbing.

*You have declared yourself a supporter of offenders and sneered and ridiculed those who disagreed with you.

You have stated very poor expectations, well, worse, of men, and only marginally bettter of women.

The OP was clear on the things being discussed here.*

This. Man cheats on wife in toilets with men. The op is homophobic for not agreeing this is ok, because men have been having sex in toilets for a long time. I've heard it all now.

We had a vanilla sex life for the first 10 years, after which I decided we should stop.

I can only assume my wife has remained celibate.

I went off sex... she was too emotional and clingy afterwards; I just wanted to go to sleep.

I like knowing I can give men something their wives can’t.

There's an awful lot of I there. I wonder how much say his wife had in the original decision? And why does he assume she is celibate?

/i wonder how long this has been going on? As a child i remember here in Manchester that we had lots of public toilets,, In the city centre they were underground,victorian,all beautifully tiled and lots of polished brassware. There was always an attendant. They closed them all down. You cant have public toilets any more as they seem to be abused by vandals,druggies and those seeking sexual d'alliances. Im sure its not the same in female toilets but it is not uncommon to go in one of the rare male loos and find ads scribbled with mobile numbers offering sexual services and also holes bored in cubical walls.

Its not just a UK thing, i recently went in a public loo in Europe and was shocked to see a hole bored in the cubicle wall to communicate with next door.

I wonder if women "cottage"?

Im digressing i know

I wonder if women "cottage"?

I'd be amazed. I don't think there are many any women, who would have that "any hole is a goal" attitude.

I don't think women need to cottage, they can just go out and will be able to pick someone up if that's what they want in a pub.
Lots of gay men cottage, its not just married ones that haven't come haven't come out. I've a friend whos a Dr and he met his boyfriend in a toilet.Its not just toilets as well, its woods, graveyards, dogging spots anywhere known for cruising.

Well we are lead to believe that women engage in dogging..

@samanthabrique (Hi! Are you the real Sam brick because I know her!)

Speaking for the man in the OP (who, as I've said, probably doesn't consider himself gay), yes he is risking being caught. A London railway station toilet at peak hour is hardly the most anonymous of bogs!

Nowhere does he say he is in London. Rural or quiet stations are incredibly deserted in between trains and anyone there is unlikely to be disturbed. Even in a commuter belt, a station can be deserted between trains running every 20 minutes.

@JinglingHellsBells, I’m afraid he does mention London.

Second paragraph says "I use a railway station toilet in London", then later "The best time is when they travel home from work at six o’clock."

If that isn't peak hour then what is??

I'd like to say- yet again - that this 'letter' may have been highly edited - or the man told how to write it, to get a response - which has worked!

With features like this , the editor takes the draft copy and then asks the writer to make changes. Here, the man may have been asked to make it sound uncaring, unemotional, whatever.

Don't take all you read at face value.

And while I'm here, I agree 100% with @alsohuman about the generation gap. I don't know any men who in the 60s and early 70s when they were aged 16-20ish, and sexually peaking, admitted to being gay. The word 'gay' wasn't even in our vocabulary then, except to mean 'happy. The were called queers, nancy boys, or bent.

There was no acceptance of homosexuality as there is now.

Even in my own world I can think of at least 4 men I know who are late 50s and early 60s who may be gay- this includes relatives, family friends, etc- and none has the confidence to come out now. So it is no surprise at all that a man in his mid 60s prefers to hide his sexuality.

His wife clearly knows because she'd have to walking around with her ears and eyes shut not to notice.

People put up with all sorts in marriages which other people find unacceptable but until you walk in their shoes you have no idea really.

Ah, ok I misread the London. But London railway loos are so busy and noisy (the women's are at least) I can see that you could get away with a quicky.

I read this while I was having a leisurely Sunday breakfast. (it takes me 2 days to read sat guardian) it really made me think wtf?!
He says it doesn't cause conflict but it might cause his wife unhappiness she doesn't feel she can share. He came across as smug in getting away with it and misogynistic in his pleasure in doing something wives couldn't do. Really unpleasant person.

Deeply unpleasant indeed. I think we’d all agree on that.

So not wanting to bump into people fucking in public is Puritan.

Fuck me, I’m 51 and never been called that before!

Cottaging isn’t just a gay thing, lots of sites on the internet for people who want to meet like minded people to basically fuck strangers in public places. It’s not about gay or straight, it’s about the thrill of anonymous sex, a little snifter of exhibitionism, and some even do it to make porn films.

But if you object, you’re a Puritan. I could not give less fucks what anyone gets up to (as long as there’s not abuse in any form), just don’t expect me to enjoy bumping into it when I get caught short in town etc.

What a dishonest man, both with himself and his wife.