No sex for over 4 years is this normal

[Never2L8]

Never2L8

Is over 4 years without sex normal?
I found this site by accident. Searching through the internet trying to find the answers to life and found a post on here by a woman asking the same thing.
I realise this is an almost exclusively female site but want a woman’s perspective.
We’ve been married 20 years together 25. 3 kids oldest is 17 youngest 13.
Our relationship has been very good in the past. Sex fun intimate but not always easy. Raising 3 kids is hard earning a living and paying taxes.
Sex slowed down over the years. More her than me. Well all her actually, I always find her sexually attractive and beautiful.
She said she just wasn’t as interested in sex.
We still had sex once a month then sometimes less.
I started a new job which required lots of travelling but it we decided it would be better to have the money while we could.
Things were alright for a year or 2 then the sex just stopped.
I didn’t want to push as I knew it was difficult looking after the kids with me away so much.
2 years ago I changed jobs again and now I’m home all the time. Still no interest from her. Also now no intimacy.
She doesn’t want to spend time alone together. Wants to go out on her one with her friends.
I don’t no what to do. Sex is important to me but equally so is intimacy. She and our family are everything for me but it’s tearing me apart. She moved into the spare bedroom last year.
If she doesn’t want to talk or work things out should I give up and suggest a divorce?
The idea of living in a sexless marriage for the rest of my life seems grim.
Any thoughts?

It's not good.
I mean sex isn't every thing but most people on your situation would feel the same way.

So yes I would asking if she doesn't want sex / intimacy have you still got a marriage?
Or does she want a divorce?

She could be asexual or be getting sex elsewhere and isn't interested in you sexually.

Moving into the spare room really says it all. She doesn't even want to be next to you.

It doesnt sound good for your relationship. Why did she move to the spare room? I moved to the spare room when i found my husband was lying to me, made me feel completely worthless as a women. I did ask for a divorce at the time, but he wouldnt give ne one. I dont think of him as the person that I thought I married, which is why I cant lie next to him. Had anything happened in your relationshio at the time she moved to the spare room?

This isn't normal and her behaviour says she is checked out of the relationships at the least.

Most men would have left by now I'm sorry to say.

I had pushed for us 2 go to couples therapy. We hadn’t had sex for 3 years at this point and only 1 time the year before.
I had suggested going on date nights or at least out for a drink together. We tried going out during the week for a quiet drink but she said no one goes out during the week. She only went out once or twice before she stopped.
In the end I said we have to go to therapy to try and reconnect.
Therapy suggested... date nights casual touching, just spending more time together. I tried this again but just received funny looks from w.
She said lots of couples don’t have sex. I’m not suggesting that we need to have sex every day 2-3 times a day. Who has time for that with 3 kids.
But with no intimacy at all our relationship seems doomed.
She wants to spend more time with friends and needs time apart. I can understand this as well but we also need some closeness. Or I do.
She has started taking a dance class and I have started going to the gym.
She now goes out with her dance friends for a drink once a week in the week. I’m not invited. I don’t want to be pushy and invite myself.
She has now booked a 3 day weekend away with her dance mates. We haven’t even got a family weekend away planned yet.
She has gone on dance nights away back very late. This is all fine I’m glad she is enjoying herself, but if we don’t do things together ever then what??
The more I write this the worse it looks really.

I’m sorry op, but it sounds like your wife has already mentally left your relationship.

Are you the main earner? I agree that it sounds like she mentally left your marriage a long time ago.

I ask if you're the main earner as I suspect she doesn't have the courage to face actually ending it because she is worried about all the other consequences - the upheaval to home life, the impact on children etc. I suspect her going out so much is so she doesn't have to be at home facing the fact that she is in a marriage she doesn't want to be in. Does she do things with the children?

I'm so sorry but it does sound like she had reached the end. Though it also sounds like you know that this isn't sustainable in it's current format. Open up the conversation, you may both feel relieved to discuss what is quite an obvious elephant in the room, and it sounds like neither one of you has angered the other so you could move amicably forward.

My concern in your position would be that she is hoping to ride it out until your youngest leaves home at which point you would be likely to feel resentment that you've wasted so many years. Theres threads on here that discuss how children feel their childhood is a lie when parents split the moment they leave home and are more upset about that. Your children are old enough to know it isn't right for you to both be in separate rooms and I doubt it would come as a shock to them. Best of luck whatever you choose.

You asked for a women's perspective so here goes based upon what you've written.
Life with children is busy, exhausting and can feel like you're stuck in a routine. By going out with her friends, she is temporarily escaping all that and reinvigorating herself.

Why is she not having sex with you; in a long term relationship, things build up and these can be a turn off. For example, you've had the opportunity to experience change by having new jobs and challenges. Was she the one holding the house together while you were at work? While she was doing this, little things build up and cause us to resent our partner and resentment is not sexy.

She should though be sharing her feelings with you and moving out of the bedroom is wrong without telling you why and giving things time and effort to correct. This is why I feel for you. She's fed up with you but hasn't told you why. She lacking the courage to change be that leave (the routine and financial security) or to face it and work through the problem.

My advice would be to be nice to her, see what boring things she has to spend her time on and ask if she would like you to do them. Be thoughtful, does she need anything for her weekend away? Little by little she'll notice and start to see you in a new light and then have the courage to open up. Once she does then sex will come back. But I'll be honest, you'll be lucky if that is here by Halloween.

I've just put my phone down and walked into our bathroom. While I was on my phone responding to you, my husband has put a glass of water by the bath as he knows I love a glass first thing. Didn't say anything or disturb me as I'm playing on my phone. These are the things I mean by being nice to her

If you were a woman posting that your husband was going out with friends during the week and had booked a 3 day weekend away without you, the replies would be screaming “affair” - and they’d very possibly be right. Strange they aren’t saying that now
Truth is OP, you marriage is over and has been for some time, she just hasn’t had the courtesy to tell you. She is also failing to engage in any meaningful reconstruction of a new marriage. Furthermore, she is subtly abusing you emotionally by manipulating your sense of reality when she says that this is all normal - it so definitely isn’t normal in a healthy relationship. Her behaviour isn’t even consistent: “no-one goes out weekdays” - then she goes out weekdays with her “friends”

Your wife likes your paycheque but lacks the courage and decency to tell you that’s all you are to her. Form a plan. Form a new life. Get on top of your inner game and flush her out if your system. When the time suits you, pull the rip chord on this and start over. Never regret your choice. Remember how she has made you feel.

Everyone has two lives and the second one begins right after you realise you only have one.

No sex for four years is bad but her refusal to discuss it is worse. Sorry OP.

I’ve been your wife in this situation. The comments about her being checked out and not loving the OP are not necessarily true.

I still love my DH and love him as much as I always have. But I developed hormone imbalance after a hormonal treatment that put me in temporary menopause for two years. Even after I stopped, my sex drive stayed gone for six years. Even 10 years on it comes and goes.

I can’t control it. When it’s gone, it’s not just that I’m not in the mood - the thought of sexual contact of any kind is awful. Even kissing. And if I did force myself to tolerate things that made me feel this way it made things worse.

The difference is that I did everything I could to try and fix it but then I knew the cause. Nothing helped, sadly. Doctors were no help.

I’d encourage her to see a doctor though.

Jabbercocky I think that's unfair. You have no idea of the OP's wife's reasons for not having sex with the OP. To decide she's money grabbing on such little info is outrageous IMO.

My ex and I didn't have sex for 5 years, before we split up. For me it was because he was a selfish lover - the sex was all about his orgasm. I carried on having sex with him when I wasn't really into it, to keep the relationship together and I shouldn't have done as it really damaged me emotionally. I did wish I could have a fulfilling sex life with him but when we did it just demonstrated to me how unconnected we were. He used to asl me "tell me wbat you want" but I didn't want to have to tell him what to do, like a robot, I wanted him to want to satisfy my and for us to have an emotional connection in bed. The last time we had sex before we stopped, I can still remember he went to sleep straight away and I cried silently in the dark. I felt so alone.

We did eventually split up and it was the right thing, but I didn't hang on in there because of a naive hope we might work it out.

Sorry, I totally missed a bit of my sentence!

That should have said - I didn't hang didn't hang on in there because of money - but because of a naive hope we might work it out.

Truth is OP, you marriage is over and has been for some time, she just hasn’t had the courtesy to tell you.

ODFOD. You don’t know that. There are many reasons for lack of sex - some are about the relationship but many others (often affecting women, such as menopause, hypothyroidism, low oestrogen etc) cause loss of libido.

We have no info from her side. Thank goodness my DH didn’t think like this - we had two children after our six years of no sex, which royally fucked up my hormones again. At the moment I may get 5-7 days where I have a sex drive per cycle, then it’s gone again.

Being able to communicate is the most important thing.

I think it is redeemable, but like most things will take hard work and willingness to remake. From both parties. What is lost is not just sex, it is the intimacy and sexy friendship that is vital in a relationship. I see her dance club as a positive. Unless she is happy and enjoying life your efforts will seem one sided anyway.
Do keep trying with date night, or a weekend away, do things together, watch TV programmes together that you will get into and discuss, swap books, nice gestures, and rekindle the spark.
After that more kissing, hand holding and cuddles (no sex). Then an honest chat about the barriers to sex.
The goal is to improve your relationship, and it has to feel like that from her perspective.
If she discussed sex with her dance friends she will discover that most couples DO.

I’m sorry to say, but to me it sounds like she is either having an affair or looking to have one! Classic sign is suddenly going to gym, going out more frequently and not inviting partner etc. It sounds like she has checked out.

Another female perspective here. As a mother somebody always wants something from me. All the fucking time. Kids want their mother constantly for various tedious crap. Old age parents need me to help them. Even friends only call when they have a crisis. It irritates me that everyone is on me and they take take take. My husband then gives me a cuddle which would be nice if he didn't immediately assume we were then having sex every time. It feels like someone else who always wants something from me. If he did more sweet kind things and cuddles etc with no sexual motive just because he wants to and just because he likes me I might let my guard down more for some emotional intimacy. Sexual intimacy would then follow. My husband went through a stage of being mega helpful to everybody else and taking me for granted. He never noticed me, touched me kindly without sex on his mind, bent over backwards to help his friends and family but when I asked for help I had to nag. He's much better now and we are connected on an emotional level so sex is better. What contraception do you use when you do have sex?

She doesn't want to do things with you because she knows you will expect sex. And she doesn't want sex until she falls in love with you again. So treat her like you did when you first fell in love. But without constantly trying to get in her knickers.

I could see my dp writing your post. Its been about 10 months for us now and 6 months before that where I waited till he fell asleep after sex and sobbed because it made me feel worthless and broken. In our case its like Emperorballpitine said. I still love him, but there is so much hurt and resentment in our relationship.

I don't know if she's genuinely never tried to talk, DP would say he has no idea but I've told him many times he just won't believe me or listen. He thinks we need to fix the sex first. We don't we need to fix our relationship first, but he won't just sit and talk, he wants to sit and kiss. Date night would be too much pressure, first I'd need him to rebuild my trust in him by showing he listened and stop doing the little things that constantly hurt me. He don't thinks they matter so he won't work on them, let alone on the big things. But he won't separate either and I'm too sick to fight for us anymore.

I'm not saying this is the case in your relationship, just that you can still love someone and not be able to be intimate with them because you're too hurt, yet cling to some tiny hope that he'll hear you one day and start rebuilding your relationship in the little steps you've asked for. It's not black and white. Maybe she is having an affair or totally checked, or maybe she's hurt and burt out and wants to but can't anymore.

That should say wants to be close again but can't.

What Jabbercocky said:

Something similar happened to me. He had checked out, no sex. Lots of pain and arguments. This went on for about 4 or 5 years. Then when our kid went off to university it was all over in a matter of weeks. Only then did I get the truth.

I can see it had to end. But the way I was managed and had years stolen from me in lies and dissembling (till the children left) is what really hurts and why I will never speak to him again, which is sad for our child. Get out and grab another life.

Hi OP is she struggling with the menopause. I went off sex and didn’t handle it well.

This sounds more like you live together coparenting, than anything else.

In your position I would make sure I had a good relationship with the children. Build a close bond, so you don't seem like the parent who is optional.

Your wife has no interest in spending time with you and finances are the likely reason she doesn't want to end the marriage.

She isn't having sex with you, that doesn't mean she's not having with anyone else.

Have you ever met these friends of hers? Has she told you where she's going? Do you have the hotel details? Is she protective with her phone?

I'm not sure how this can be redeemed when your wife isn't interested. Funny thing is, there was a woman in your wife's position...she refused intimacy and marriage counselling.

Then he had an affair and left her. All of a sudden she wanted to go to MC... he was no longer interested and had fallen for the OW. His wife was livid... I don't know why it surprised her tbh.

He thought she didn't care and was truly shocked by her attitude.

From a woman's perspective here. There's definitely something bothering her for her not to want any contact with you. Sounds like resentment from her towards you, maybe from a long time ago. She is however behaving like a child by not talking to you about what's bothering her! I'd write a letter to her about your feelings and ask for her to write one back. She might find it easier expressing herself if she doesn't have to do it face to face.

There might be an affair or there might not. I'd suggest she goes to see her GP to rule out any health issues.

I've had periods in my relationship when I've gone off sex. It was mainly from resenting my DH for not helping with kids, housework etc. And sometimes life just got dull. But going on a weekend away alone always seemed to do the trick in getting the intimacy back and remembering why we are together