No sex for over 4 years is this normal

[Never2L8]

Never2L8

Is over 4 years without sex normal?
I found this site by accident. Searching through the internet trying to find the answers to life and found a post on here by a woman asking the same thing.
I realise this is an almost exclusively female site but want a woman’s perspective.
We’ve been married 20 years together 25. 3 kids oldest is 17 youngest 13.
Our relationship has been very good in the past. Sex fun intimate but not always easy. Raising 3 kids is hard earning a living and paying taxes.
Sex slowed down over the years. More her than me. Well all her actually, I always find her sexually attractive and beautiful.
She said she just wasn’t as interested in sex.
We still had sex once a month then sometimes less.
I started a new job which required lots of travelling but it we decided it would be better to have the money while we could.
Things were alright for a year or 2 then the sex just stopped.
I didn’t want to push as I knew it was difficult looking after the kids with me away so much.
2 years ago I changed jobs again and now I’m home all the time. Still no interest from her. Also now no intimacy.
She doesn’t want to spend time alone together. Wants to go out on her one with her friends.
I don’t no what to do. Sex is important to me but equally so is intimacy. She and our family are everything for me but it’s tearing me apart. She moved into the spare bedroom last year.
If she doesn’t want to talk or work things out should I give up and suggest a divorce?
The idea of living in a sexless marriage for the rest of my life seems grim.
Any thoughts?

Its very mentally and physically emotionally draining having to be the one to bring up our situation all the time.
And now I have to be the one to bring up the subject of divorce. We are already physically and emotionally separated. It’s obvious where this is leading. And yet at times she carries on line things are normal.
Other times barely speaks. We are barely ever alone together for more than a few minutes so extremely hard to get to speak privately.
I may have to write a letter spelling it all out to her without any blame. Just our situation as I see it and without change/talk the only result is separation and divorce.
She never comes into my bedroom (was our bedroom) while I’m in it so very hard for a private moment.
I have gone in to her (the spare bedroom) to talk to her in the past but difficult as one of the kids could walk in. It feels as if an invasion of her privacy when I enter. Our youngest often goes in her bedroom to talk before bed so it’s no secret anymore.
It’s soul destroying how this makes me feel but I can’t see any other outcome. I have talked to her about my feelings and how I see things ending up if we don’t talk. We discussed things at M counselling and yet I’ve had no response really. That almost hurts the most.
It’s so hard to have to be the one to have to push to the next obvious step on my own.
Of the many divorced friends we have I only know of one where they worked together with no animosity and divorced.
All the others went pretty badly. Both for the couple and the ones with children for them as well.
It’s so important that we work together for our sake and the kids.
But here I am writing to complystrangers because I can’t find the balls to to say it straight to her.
Not entirely true I have brought in the past but I found it so draining it fills me with dread to have to do it again. Especially as before I was trying to finds ways for us to work together and reconnect.
Now... just to say it looks like it’s the end.
It’s difficult as well as my family don’t live in the country.
No time to mope around, going to go to the gym then write a letter. Then either give her the letter tonight or use the letter to collect my thoughts and speak to her tonight.
Can’t let this go on for any longer or before I now it another year will have past.
I just want both of us and the kids to be happy. But mainly I need to worry about me and the kids as she isn’t going to worry about me.

Just to answer a couple of earlier questions. We are now equal earners. We started when we met as equal earners. Then with young kids it I became the main earner. Now we are equal earners again. We share childcare duties(3 teenagers), cleaning and cooking.it varies who does more of what at any time.

I realise that intimacy can often get confused with sex, but I have tried to separate this. Not because I’m some great understanding husband (although I do try) but because I enjoy her touch whether it’s just sat on the sofa or lying in bed. I didn’t expect sex just because I gave her a hug in the kitchen when I walked past.
It is while writing all this down it has made me realise that it’s over. Not because she’s wrong and it’s all her fault, but because she does not seem to want to fix it or even try.
Thanks for all of your advice and input, it has actually been very helpful to me.

You sound like you have your head screwed on. A sad, unhappy marriage is awful and fear of the unknown can keep you trapped. I know, as I did it for years.

We are now 8 months into an amicable separation. Yes, some bits have been very tough BUT I am really so much happier, emotionally. My DH, not so much, as he is losing more socially than me. But he will be fine, he will find his feet. We even go on holiday together tomorrow and are helping each other this first tough year.

Not having sex for 4 years is not normal .... a guy on another site admitted he hadn't had sex for 20 years!! To say I was shocked is an understatement!

I feel for you. You sound like a good man and I am sorry that this isn't something that your wife is willing or able to fix. best of luck

Hi, I'm sorry that you're in this situation.
It's not good. When women stop being sexually attracted to their partners it generally won't come back. When they start to refuse intimacy in case it leads to sex then that's a massive issue, and the lack of sex combined with the lack of intimacy seems to do something to a woman that can't be fixed.

I don't think the lack of sexual attraction is to do with their partners attractiveness either or that it's really anything to do with their partner. There is just something that seems to happen to women when they go through quite a long period of no sex and intimacy. It feels like you are brother or sister. The aversion to having sex is so strong that even though they could generally cut the tension by having sex for a few minutes every so often they just simply can't. I don't even see it as not being willing to. It just feels completely wrong and horrible to have sex with that person.

There have been lots of threads on here with women who are like your wife, some still adore and love their husbands but they just cannot have sex with them, the aversion is so strong.

It’s strange things definitely got worse when I found out about her meeting for coffee with that guy.
I never found out how long it had gone on for. But she was angry with me and very distant after I caught her in some lies.
Things actually got better after when several months later when started a the new job which involved lots of traveling and I was away a lot. Even sex. It slowed down after a year or so then stopped about 4 years ago.
We talked about briefly but nothing much was worked out.
I ignored all the signs hoping things would get better. But I’m hindsight I’m sure there was an affair.
But you can’t change the past. And if she won’t at least talk then I have to prepare the future.
Big grave words, easier to say then to implement. I know there will be emotional pain and it won’t be easy.

It won't be easy but there will be a new life at the end of it. Hold onto that thought.

There will be emotional pain, but when the time feels right you will be ready to face it. You're not up against a deadline. Since you first posted you seem to have mulled things over a lot. Give yourself some time to digest things and when you're ready, you'll know. Theres no immediacy to do anything today or tomorrow. But at the same time, don't waste your life being unhappy.

I'd also brace yourself for her to not admit to a thing, so I wouldn't go into any conversations with that as a goal. Sorry for what you're going through.

I’m not going to accuse. I’m merely going to state the obvious. Our marriage isn’t working, we have no intimacy, and are functionally separated.
We need to talk about the next step. Legal separation and divorce.
If she wants to talk about staying together? Then it’s more complicated. We need to find a way that works for both of us.
Also if she doesn’t want to talk about divorce and doesn’t want to talk about being together.. then it’s even more difficult.
I’m back to where I am now.
I either file or live like this.

If she doesn't want to talk about it, just file.

This is very similar to my life, and I do get some comfort knowing I[m not alone in this situation. I've basically been in a sexless marriage for 12 years, co-parenting, living like sister and brother, no intimacy or connection. I didn't want to upset the kids so have been waiting for several years for my son to finish school and his exams, now just waiting for him to go off travelling in a few months and then hopefully we can call it a day amicably, and move on with life. We are now in separate bedrooms which actually suits me, as I got fed up with sharing a bed with someone who doesn't want any physical connection. I've read all the stuff about relationships, on here and elsewhere amd don't doubt the situation is partly my fault, but her reluctance to have any form of physical relationship was the killer. I tried the various suggestions over the years, helping out more, checking my hygiene and appearance, dates etc all without success I'm not looking forward to the split, like you its been 25 years but it has to happen if I am to have any chance of future happiness. The thing I hate is the pretence, when we are out we pretend everything is ok. I never talk about it with my friends, as I live in small community and gossip travels. Good luck in what you choose to do, I've come to realise you cant turn the clock back and you only have one life

@daveyknowles

Do you think she might have a lover you know nothing about?

no, I'm 100% sure she doesn't.

Perhaps she has just gone of sex for a medical reason ... I know some women can lose their sex drive when taking the pill or during menpause

menopause

Hi i could basically be your wife so I'll explain it from my point of view.we have young children and I'm a sahm. I feel very trapped by family life and the monotony of it all.
I have let myself go over the years which I'm not proud of so my body confidence is zero. My husband has also let himself go to and i will be totally honest here and admit I do not find him sexually attractive at all, and I don't think he finds me attractive either. We've had sex maybe 5 times since our daughter was born 5 years ago. We also sleep in seperate rooms because I snore and he gets hot.
But.. .. After all this, we still adore each other. We have been open with each other and sex is just a non issue to us. I don't want to be with anyone else and I don't think he does either. We get along well, we have a lovely life, we cuddle and hold hands. There is just no sex. I would not want to leave him and be with someone else because I wouldn't want sex with them either.
It really may not be the case that she doesn't love or like you anymore, sex is a very seperate thing to most women. She could have physical problems that are affecting her sexually. Maybe she doesn't want to discuss this with you. Is she nearing menopause? I didn't read your ages.
My advice would be if you love her then speak to her openly about it.

MileySmiley perhaps she has gone off sex for a medical reason, but if she still loved him, or at least cared for him, then she'd be willing to communicate with him about it and try and do something. She certainly wouldn't 4 sexless years go by with very little effort on her part.

Loudlady your situation sounds quite sad, but OP's seems very different. She doesn't want to talk to him about their situation, or spend any time with him, or cuddle him. She's resisted all his efforts to get close to her. It seems she just doesn't love him, or even care for him, any more.

@scott72 you adjust about summed it up.
Sure I’m not the same as I was 25 years ago when we met, but weight wise only a few pounds heavier. I did put on weight at one point. 2 stone but have lost that over the last few years. So nearly the same weight I was 20 years ago. A few more wrinkles and grey hair.
She hasn’t changed much yes of course she’s not 25 she’s 50. She does spend more time on her appearance now. Lots more makeup than 10 years ago.
I think she may be starting menopause but our problems have been going on for years.
I’m there if she just wants to hold hands our spend time together but that’s the thing she doesn’t. I’m not saying I need her around me all the time and trying to smother her, but some contact and feeling as a couple.
I’m actually very comfortable on my own. Having spent lots of time often on my own through work. But at the same time I enjoy company.
I’m not a touchy feely person who hugs lots of people I just would like to hold the person I married. That’s it really.
And yes I would also like to have sex with her but that is second.

If your relationship is stable and honest then yes, perfectly normal.

My partner and I probably only do it 4-8 times a year.

We do however do something weekly that keeps us both satisfied.

It’s myths like “both parties must orgasm” or “sex is an essential part of any relationship” that confuse matters.

What is important is honestly, health and happiness.

Sounds very lonely op. I think not only has she checked out but probably having an affair. Even if she doesn't agree to therapy, might be a good idea just for you.

I have thought about therapy but it’s time and money issue really. Between work, kids, house, and I go to the gym (when I can) who has the time.
I’m self employed so always busy. Trying to make time just to sit out and enjoy the garden!
It is a bit sad and lonely at time but it’s up to me to make the changes.

I was this wife and the truth was I really no longer wanted to have sex with my husband anymore because I'd checked out. There was no affair just a gradual wearing down of my connection with him over many years. Eventually I found physical contact abhorrent. We are now divorced (I initiated it) and a lot happier apart.

I can completely emphasise with as I was in a similar situation until recently.

Your kids are aged between 17 and 13 - which means that they're probably quite independent - and you both have more time and less stress at home.

4 years ago your homelife might have been busier and hectic when the kids were younger....It's a very similar scenario to mine! Our kids are now 15 and 11 (15 year old....Asd with a very long history of violence towards us, his parents) - and although it's a nightmare at times, it's much less stressful than it was a few years back.

I'm sorry to say this but it's very apparent to me that your wife is having an affair. She has checked out - and the only way she will try to check back in is if she is caught out - and then it will be through desperation not to disrupt your family. In my case my partner was trying to push me into leaving, that I'd finally just give up.

I'm about to post up my own thread about my situation but If I was you I'd try and confront your wife and sit down together to discuss where you are and where you both want to be!

My partner had been gaslighting me for years - when I look back she was also emotionally abusing me to an extreme level - as she carried out an affair for 5 years. (25 year relationship too.....did I post this when I was drunk last night, lol). She got a better position at work with a lot more money - and then her complete disregard towards me got worse...

The no sex thing when I tried to talk about it was just brushed off....'lots of people don't have sex' etc etc.....

We've

This thread has made me really sad and also a bit stressed out!
I've been with DH for many years. About 3 months ago he took his wedding ring off, he doesn't sit with me at night and goes into another room, keeps busy or if watching TV with me, he sits on a separate sofa. We never had a massive sex life (more him lacking interest, not me) but now he rarely kisses or cuddles me.

I've been very open with communication and asked him outright what the problem is. Does he still want to me married, does he want it to end. I couldn't have been more open and honest with him about what I want and how I feel about him.

According to him he loves me and doesn't want anyone else. So WTF is all that about? Sorry to throw my problems into the mix. I feel I am in the same boat.