No sex for over 4 years is this normal

[Never2L8]

Never2L8

Is over 4 years without sex normal?
I found this site by accident. Searching through the internet trying to find the answers to life and found a post on here by a woman asking the same thing.
I realise this is an almost exclusively female site but want a woman’s perspective.
We’ve been married 20 years together 25. 3 kids oldest is 17 youngest 13.
Our relationship has been very good in the past. Sex fun intimate but not always easy. Raising 3 kids is hard earning a living and paying taxes.
Sex slowed down over the years. More her than me. Well all her actually, I always find her sexually attractive and beautiful.
She said she just wasn’t as interested in sex.
We still had sex once a month then sometimes less.
I started a new job which required lots of travelling but it we decided it would be better to have the money while we could.
Things were alright for a year or 2 then the sex just stopped.
I didn’t want to push as I knew it was difficult looking after the kids with me away so much.
2 years ago I changed jobs again and now I’m home all the time. Still no interest from her. Also now no intimacy.
She doesn’t want to spend time alone together. Wants to go out on her one with her friends.
I don’t no what to do. Sex is important to me but equally so is intimacy. She and our family are everything for me but it’s tearing me apart. She moved into the spare bedroom last year.
If she doesn’t want to talk or work things out should I give up and suggest a divorce?
The idea of living in a sexless marriage for the rest of my life seems grim.
Any thoughts?

@piedandmash
The more the better. More angles and sides to the same problem the better. I think it’s good that you’ve noticed the problem early. I’m definitely not an expert in this as I’m making a hash of my own situation and trying to work my way out of a dark tunnel. But I do think it’s important to try to communicate. Both of partners feelings are important.
The trouble is the nature of affairs is they are secret hidden lied about.
However that doesn’t mean there is an affair.
If your H wants to talk or at least a little that’s a start. There obviously is some sort of problem. Spouses don’t just take off their wedding rings for no reason, after all they are a symbol of the marriage. Equally stopping to wear it is a symbolic gesture. Of what can be difficult to work out.
Couples do go through different stages in their lives, the young kissing cuddling changes, but I feel contact is important to keep intimacy.
It’s also what our M counsellor said. Not sex but contact.
Something I don’t have. And you seem to be losing. A big change like no longer sitting or sleeping together I would thing is important.

Had a partial conversation with W. Timing wasn’t great? But it was never going to be easy. Second one actually in the last couple of weeks.
Not much came of it really if I look at it honestly. I talked she nodded, but didn’t say much or commit to anything.
We’ve each taken our kids on short separate holidays. She’s going on a short break on her own, but nothing together.
I said we are halfway towards separation already. I’ve had enough.
I’ve given her space but there has been nothing from her to get us together. Always separate activities unless it’s work or to do with the house or kids.
It’s not
Enough for me. She either makes a choice to show commitment or that’s it. As usual the conversation was cut short.
But let’s see what the next few days holds. Nothing new I’m sure so I will have to book us mediation to get divorce started.
It’s not easy hurts to be the one to be the one to look bad.

She has already made her choice, and it doesn’t include you.

Get your finances in order, and speak to a solicitor about divorce and custody.

The difficulty is I don’t want the divorce to be a big expensive battle. So I’m trying to get her to talk to me so we can go to mediation for a divorce. Avoid solicitors and just use a mediator.
She avoids conversations about us and is doesn’t want to spend time together really but doesn’t want to talk about divorce. However in contrast we are mostly civil and mostly get on.
And can’t really understand it? I have many theories in my head.
1.She is guilty about cheating on me and changed that into blaming me for it and won’t let go.

1. She has cheated on me but isn’t having an affair, but doesn’t want to be with me? But doesn’t want a divorce as we may have to sale the house and split up our assets as we would be worse off financially maybe.
2. Cheated on me and angry for me leaving my other job. But doesn’t want the family officially broken up.

I’m not sure but it’s very emotionally draining having to keep pushing for either commitment on our relationship or on our divorce !! I guess my only choice will be to file for divorce if she won’t talk. Which may be what she wants and I’m just being out manoeuvred , again.

Gosh I'm sorry. It sounds really tough and very bewildering. I can't understand how she can just not talk about anything or making a decision either way. It's a very odd response and I'm struggling to even imagine how the conversation would go. Does she just literally refuse to speak?

If I'm honest I think its 3. She doesn't want to be the bad guy but is being completely unreasonable and making your marriage impossible. How is it a marriage in anything other than on paper?

It has become a marriage mostly on paper. We share kids, house, and finances now. And that’s it. She has gone out of her way to find social activities that don’t involve me.
Trouble is I keep going round in circles. Like Groundhog Day or the movie with Tom Cruise, Edge of tomorrow I think it’s called. Every time I think I’m making progress I end up back at the start barely any further along. The only way it’s seems I can make absolute progress is just to file and I don’t really want to do that.
I just feel that after 25 years we should be able to work things out one way or the other!

Or she's simply checked out but can't be arsed to split up. There doesnt always have to be cheating in the middle of it. Sometimes a libido just dies when you're not happy but change is scary.

It doesn't matter if you are giving her what she wants by filing for divorce because both people need to be checked into the relationship for it to work. If you leave now, you can find someone else who is actually interested in being with you.

Whatever it is she is not going to make changes she is happy with the inertia. You will have to step and make those changes. Agonising for weeks on end on her is doing nothing for you.

Op, stop all of this back and forth faffing no sense. Your marriage is OVER. Don't you want the second half of your life to be happy? Being single would be better than being stuck in a dead, soul-sucking marriage. Stop trying to talk to your wife because you're just wasting time. Get a solicitor and move on.

*nonsense

I find this thread surprising.
I just don't agree with the majority.

Most posters early on, saying she's checked out.
Or later posters: she's having an affair.
I don't see it that way at all.

Wanting To go away with your friends (as I do) doesn't mean you've checked out.

Seems I'm in the minority in my view though!

@Oblomov19.

If you read the entire thread, you would know there is much more to it than her simply going away with friends.

@oblomov19 how about no wedding ring, no intimacy, no sex, no companionship, no socialising, separate rooms, separate lives, dates with strange men?!

Sorry you are going through this OP. Life can, and will, get better.

Sorry to say this, but I agree with previous posters - I think your wife has checked out, maybe still ‘loves you but is not in love with you’ anymore (apologies, that sounds harsh).
She may or may not be having an affair/ONS’s - and at this point it’s academic anyway. She’s plainly showing that she has no interest in you or your relationship. It sounds like she’s just going through the motions until she’s ready to do what? - make the break? wait until the DC have left home? met someone she wants to leave for? Only she knows (assuming she’s got that far in her thinking) and it sounds like she’s not prepared to share what she thinks the future entails with you.
I think you should do what MN tells women to do in these situations - get your ducks in order and prepare for divorce.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation, it must be heartbreaking. But what are you now getting out of the relationship apart from frustration?

I agree with others, in that she is waiting for you to be the bad guy. Instead of taking her share of the responsibility and breaking on equal and amicable terms, she'd rather you make all the moves and do the leg-work, so that she can hold the high moral ground as the dutiful wronged wife abandoned by her husband. That narrative goes down better with family and friends and will artificially ease her guilt, whether or not she has strayed.

@Never2L8

When my children were little I was so tired (no help whatsoever) I didn't have sex for 5 years - I was too busy and too tired. It wasn't that I disliked sex it was just lack of sleep and holding down a demanding job - I really didn't feel like it. My other half is still with me so he must be a keeper.

I just re-read the thread and I think she just doesn't fancy you anymore - sorry to be so blunt but some friends of mine were the same. They were more like sister and brother than husband and wife. They split up and now are with new partner and much happier.

partners

I can understand if it was just not fancying sex or even me. I’m a lot older now grey haired but at least still the same weight now 25 years later. I had a blip 10 years ago where I went up 2 stone in weight.
But not to say she is that superficial. 3 kids is hard work especially when I was away working a lot.
But that was our choice.
However what I can’t take is that intimacy stopped suddenly. And the meeting up with another guy. And money other suspicious things that I’ve only just fully realised.
I understand that intimacy and sex can stop but that shouldn’t mean meeting secretly with someone else.
Or not having anything to do with me outside of family chores and work now. I realise I’ve been fooling myself and ignoring the obvious. And she has taken advantage of it.
If you don’t try to work things out and we have separate social lives then it will always stay that way.
Yes I’m to easy going I talk I talk she says little. So I’ve told her I’m not happy (again) and the only real possibility is divorce. I will give her a couple of days to think about it. And then I will book meditation for divorce. If she doesn’t want to go to mediation I will have to file for divorce.

Well finally got through to her. Had to catch her in a last minute conversation but managed to talk.
She would like to stay together for the kids at least until they all finish school. The youngest is 13. She doesn’t have intimate feelings for me anymore and doesn’t want to try to work things out.
She would like to carry on living in separate rooms, taking separate holidays, and more or less living separate lives. Cooking and sharing household chores and duties with the kids. And I guess being there with the kids so that it’s easy for one of us to have a weekend away or a night out without getting a babysitter.
Not sure that that’s really going to fool the kids? Or anyone else?
So I’ve said no. We need to talk to a mediator and begin divorce.
So I’m looking for a mediator now.
Not sure why it had to take so long and so much bullsh*t to get to this point.
I don’t want to end up in a legal battle. So I’d like to find out what she wants and hopefully we can reach an agreement.
Even if I have to sacrifice financially if we can keep it amicable it will be better for us and the kids.
I can’t live in a sham of a marriage where we sneak off to meet other people.

Good luck with it all.

Your kids won't thank you for staying together for them. They will want you both to be happy when it all boils down - I am sorry that this is happening but you are doing the right thing.

Good luck with sorting it out.