No sex for over 4 years is this normal

[Never2L8]

Never2L8

Is over 4 years without sex normal?
I found this site by accident. Searching through the internet trying to find the answers to life and found a post on here by a woman asking the same thing.
I realise this is an almost exclusively female site but want a woman’s perspective.
We’ve been married 20 years together 25. 3 kids oldest is 17 youngest 13.
Our relationship has been very good in the past. Sex fun intimate but not always easy. Raising 3 kids is hard earning a living and paying taxes.
Sex slowed down over the years. More her than me. Well all her actually, I always find her sexually attractive and beautiful.
She said she just wasn’t as interested in sex.
We still had sex once a month then sometimes less.
I started a new job which required lots of travelling but it we decided it would be better to have the money while we could.
Things were alright for a year or 2 then the sex just stopped.
I didn’t want to push as I knew it was difficult looking after the kids with me away so much.
2 years ago I changed jobs again and now I’m home all the time. Still no interest from her. Also now no intimacy.
She doesn’t want to spend time alone together. Wants to go out on her one with her friends.
I don’t no what to do. Sex is important to me but equally so is intimacy. She and our family are everything for me but it’s tearing me apart. She moved into the spare bedroom last year.
If she doesn’t want to talk or work things out should I give up and suggest a divorce?
The idea of living in a sexless marriage for the rest of my life seems grim.
Any thoughts?

I've got my hand over my eyes reading this

She's having an affair.

I do wish people would stop assuming that women generally don't want sex, but might magically warm up, if the husband does more "chores".

Some women have high sex drives, and are up for sex 24/7, regardless of who is doing the chores. I would have sex every day, if I could. I would even have sex with DH after an argument, if he was to take his clothes off and give me the come-on. And I do far more around the house.

Anyway....in a previous relationship, I behaved exactly as your wife is doing Op. I was having an affair. In my defense, this was after discovering that my Partner had had at least 10, whilst I had been faithful.

Your wife isn't going to dance class, or away for weekends with friends from the class. She's 100% seeing someone else. You need to get in to her phone/texts/whatsapp/facebook/e-mails etc. Trust me on this one. Because unless she's dead below the waist, she is getting sex from somewhere.

Did you have an affair in the past? Because this can be the catalyst for a woman to completely switch off.

After 4 years, why on earth haven't you given her an ultimatum? 4 years is a ridiculous amount of time to go without sex.

How old are you both?

Sorry this is going to be harsh but everyone seems to come up with complicated reasons to something that could be quite simple.

She just might not fancy you anymore? I hope it’s not that but if it is there’s not a lot you can do about it.

Ah...the coffee meet is definitely an affair or a date leading to one. Being secretive and protective of the phone is an obvious one. Without going into the phone you could maybe see notifications on the locked screen?

I kinda agree with Pete below... it's playing her own game but will make her notice. Next time she makes a date out with friends expecting you to stay home with the kids say you are actually going out. Start going out with friends yourself. If she suspects you are getting on with your own life rather than wallowing while she gets on with hers she might notice. If you show a change and appear more confident. Have that haircut and new clothes ...you feel good about yourself. In that stronger frame of mind it also helps you to deal with whatever then happens with the marriage going forwards.

It was asked why it’s taken so long for me come to this point. I’m not going to say we had a perfect marriage, which is what people seem to always say.
We had ups and downs like all marriages.
We were friends before we got together and then married after a couple of years as a couple.
Sex was good and often at first like most couples, but there were certain precautions as she has herpes.
I knew this going into our relationship and wasn’t going to it bother me. I was in love. Actually it’s far more common then I knew. Neither one of us was a virgin.
Of course it can be a worry with child birth but our kids are fine.
I also had a serious illness a couple of years ago but I’m ok at the moment. Things were already not great but it stopped me thinking about it as much for a while.
We both tend to bottle things up a bit and just get on with life. I eventually say something while she I have to guess what she is thinking.
When I’ve talked to her more recently again the last 6 months she just says I don’t know what I want.
So I just have to judge by her actions or lack of and decide what works for me and the kids,
It’s hard but I have no real love for her now. It faded away in the last year.

My DH did lovely things for me but I just didn't fancy him. It took us years to face the elephant in the room because, basically, we were cowards.

Now separated and happy. I was stupid not to talk to him and leave sooner but our children were small..

This makes sad reading as your wife is clearly no longer in marriage and either waiting for you to end it or the kids to grow up. Taking off wedding ring ...

it Is very possible that my wife doesn’t fancy me anymore. While I don’t see myself as having changed personality wise I guess my priorities and interests are slightly different.
I’m not as interested in going out very much.

I like a good meal out but we tend to go out as a family. I don’t drink anymore and she doesn’t drink much either now.
We went from doing everything together and traveling lots. To family and struggling along. Not as in not having any money but as happens easier to spend then earn. 3 children house cars etc. Life.
I think I was happy being dressed casual and to be honest I had work clothes and then relaxing clothes.
She likes nice clothes and I think looking back maybe wanted more of the country life life style.
Sure I put on weight over the years. I’m 50 but the last few years I’ve got my weight back down to what it was 25 years ago.
I go to the gym, I’ve always been physically active.

Were there any triggers, did you have an affair, emotional or otherwise, or got caught doing something she really didn’t like sexual/financial etc ? It sounds like something just switched off in her brain.

It might be her fault. I was bored with my husband in bed, he had always been a bit perfunctory and eventually I couldn't stand him touching me at all. He has done nothing wrong at all.

Deep down I know we were never really that sexually compatible.

It started after we had our children. It was very gradual. It really came to a head and almost stopped after I found out about her meeting up with this guy. She denied it for ages and then admitted there was nothing. Recently she admitted that there was more but that she stopped it when she realised that he wanted sex.
She also accused me of having an affair after while I was working away. I haven’t had sex with anyone else.
I have had female work colleagues but there has never been anything. I haven’t hidden my phone from her. She always knew the passcode for my phone, iPad, or computer.
Only after she started locking hers recently and said she wanted privacy did I change my phone password.
It was immature I know but I thought if you want to do that so can I.

Well that’s classic deflection - pointing more and more to her having had an affair herself I’m afraid.

Even if she hasn’t actually bumped uglies with anyone else, your marriage is dead and you need to move on.

See a solicitor, get your house on the market (or buy her out) and bun her off for good. You’ll feel a LOT happier once you have.

Her accusing you is a distraction to create a reason why you she is distant with you. She is either still seeing the same guy or chasing others. The no ring is a certainty to it being over. It's time to talk properly so you can move on

Really in the end I’ve realised it’s not about the sex. Sure sex is very important to me! But it’s more about the lack of intimacy and basically being a couple for want of better words.
It’s unbelievable how time rolls on and before you know it a year has passed. I’d always hoped that I’d find away of getting back together without selling my soul.
I’m willing to compromise and work together but not just bend over.
I love my family but my wife and I have not been a couple for a long time that not being a couple almost seemed normal.
I’m so used to working hard and just getting on that I’ve accepted it.
It’s hard to give up the stability even if it’s not happy. I still get time with my kids and sometimes together as a family but I realise she is avoiding family holidays now as we would be more alone. Or away from someone else? I don’t know?
I used to feel a lot of pain from all this but I have disconnected from it.
I was running around trying to work out ways to bring us together and spend time alone. But just met with negativity or neutral. Even in therapy. Although she didn’t she negatively in therapy to the therapist.
Just tried to make me look bad.
We gave up on therapy in the end.
But doesn’t seem interested in divorce? Can’t work it out.
I guess it’s up to me.

I suspect sadly she wants it to be up to you. Is she the sort of person who would care what others think? Would she rather be the victim of you saying its over than the one to say its over?

If this is important to her and you have been asking "do you want to divorce?" she will see that as her making the decision. The consequence of which she may fear is you telling everyone she wanted to separate, and you being the "victim".

If you've been painting it that way and you were to say "I think we should divorce" you may find you are met with little resistance as she will perceive that as you leaving her and you being the decision maker. Which leaves her able to be the "victim".

I don't know, I don't know your wife, but just reading your last makes me wonder if that's in her head. If you decide you want to split I guess it depends how much it matters to you, as to who left who, as to how you approach it.

I think though at the moment I would at least start with "we should talk about us" and then take it from there. Ask what's going on with her and ask for her honesty as to how she feels.

Life is short, both of you are clearly not happy. Sit down and have an honest conversation, there will be someone out there for you.

As NeedsSomeBottle says, all signs point to her wanting a divorce. But she wants you to start it and do all the work. That's pretty dishonest of her, but probably she's just as miserable as you and doesn't know what else to do. Get the ball rolling immediately. I don't think you can save your marriage at this point.

If she forces you to initiate the divorce then she can paint you as the bad guy to her mates and family. That’s basically what that’s about.

She’s had an affair, withdrawn affection, deflected her guilt on you and now wants you to do all the hard work in filing.

Time to get pissed off OP - she’s mugging you off and you need to stop letting her. File for divorce, sort out the living arrangements and look forward to being free of her crap.

I think she is just as miserable as I am and is trying to make the most of a situation that she is not happy with. I agree also that she doesn’t want to be the “bad” person and suggest divorce. Or maybe even agree to talk about it. So I would have to file for divorce as opposed to us mutually working on it together.
So I guess I have to just give up as, I don’t think she will really open up and talk to me.
The trouble is I get very mixed vibes or feelings from her. Keeping me at a distance but not letting go.
Of course maybe I’m also inadvertently doing the same. What a mess!
Foolish of me to think life got easier or that I would get any wiser as I got older!!
Oh well time to make my choices.

I would at least try to tall first, otherwise you will find yourself with lots of unanswered questions. Start with "I feel that if things don't change we will have no choice but to decide to separate. What's going on with us?" Takes away any blame or finger pointing, puts her on the spot and yet pushes her to be honest or accept that in not engaging with the conversation she is implicit in the decision to split.

That's of course if you want to. If you feel it is unsalvageable then maybe you don't want answers. In which case maybe you're ready to just say you want to split and not waste any time talking.

*talk!!

She’s having an affair

I like Needssomebottle's approach.

But see a shit hot lawyer first. Know what you're in for and what the risks are. Divorce is not pretty and it's going to hurt. But ultimately living like this is going to kill you as a person.

A friend of mine is waiting for the no-fault divorce bill to make it through parliament. At the moment you would need some form of grounds to prove that the marriage has broken down. If you have proof of infidelity, that's easy, but frankly if I were you I would divorce based on her unreasonable behaviour. Because no sex for 4 years, moving into the spare room, refusing to discuss any of it and refusing to engage with therapy is completely unreasonable.

Start therapy for yourself if you can. You deserve more than to be treated like a lodger who pays the bills.